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Post by globalmark on Jun 4, 2020 14:26:18 GMT
Hi Guys
I know many people will say move on she not worth it , she not emotionally available etc - but i when you know someone is you match you gotta try try once at least - so please only positive comments that possibly help , and if dont help me maybe someone else thats reads this ..
DA- reconnect question
Hi my girl broke up with me and i pretty sure she is a DA also a INFJ , 3 months ago everything seemed perfect but told her how i felt a few times tried to get closer and she needed space (i am 50/50 AA and secure) think i came on little to strong nice guy stuff - did to much for her wanted see her every weekend . and eventually she said needed space , after 3weeks i chased again as didnt know whats going on (to many messages) and she broke up , i went no contact she reached out after 3+ weeks just asking covid19 and family , we have small text chat was noce over her garden etc , Then i said i had something to do call or text me later , she replied"you or me have something to do" i ignored this hoping she would contact me again ,, Nothing so after 5 weeks more I contacted her light pressure free message , maybe funny pic, she responded couple time , I tried keep this up every couple days but now she responded shorter and less , now doesnt seem like any replies -
Q. what is best way to proceed - either i thought leave for a week and try again light pressure free or write a letter telling how i feel and if she wants try or not (but i suspect letter will scare off more) - i love her but cant wait forever ... Suggestions would be great especially from DA, or infj's or anyone that been here.
Just extra note - was 5-6month relationship I am 47 she 34 and saw every weekend and travelled together for 5 weeks over xmas but when returned has 2-3 weekends together which seemed great and then a chat over valentines day seemed to cause when asked space .. think that day was something she wanted to avoid but i said few times wanted to see her and she mentioned might be visiting parents ( i already made pressies and stuff weeks in advance) - anyway seemed Valentines day was a trigger start this .. Also I only found out after the break/space that she might be a DA by research and she posted a pic that shes a INFJ and i asked she said yes .. so i wasnt aware in the relationship she needed space and stuff more - she did say smothered a few times and being unaware guy didnt hear or get it ..
Update - I did another reach out 5 days Later with a pic of dirty CAR that looked like hers and said are you stalking me (same joke i did before but she replied last time saying her car not clean smile emoji) - also asked her if wanted to talk about being INFJ as she showed interested last time i asked .. anyway whatsapp shows that she received but no blue ticks even though she been online she didnt read it , Also on instagram she put nice pic of a BEE (we both live bee pics) and i commented nice pic phone or Camera - that got me Unfollowed .. yikes
I am 50/50 secure and AA i believe (quiz
What to do Now with suspected DA and INFJ - should i write letter and then just wait and see (no contact) - or should i just assume she knows what i want and go no contact or should i leave it for a week/2 weeks and then try say Hi again. ??
I would love suggestions also , if i write her a letter , what should i say as i have written several but not sent and just get to long ..
So suggestions please all .
Final letter followed by no contact -then how and what to say
or
No contact at all
or
No contact for a couple weeks, followed by something light ? (providing she reads my Whatsapp, or will have to be email) - then what would i say ...
Thanks All Mark
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Post by dhali on Jun 4, 2020 15:20:57 GMT
Im sorry for your pain, but what you’re asking for is not what these boards are for. I understand you want to get back to your I securely attached previous relationship, but these boards are more about understanding yourself and working through your issues. There is a saying around here, that your ex didn’t operate in a vacuum. Forget those tests online. They aren’t a good judge of what you or your ex are. They are tainted with wishful thinking and not seeing yourself objectively. You were with a DA for months. And she let you know you were making her feel smothered. That’s anxiety, and not 50/50 as you claim. I’m. Not saying it’s your fault, your ex prob triggered you there, but you were there none the less.
I don’t know how to get your ex back. I do have some ideas on how to maximize your chances, but I’m also not a fan of gaming love. That’s not love, that’s obsession. Anyhow, you’re asking a forum on how to get back, and that’s been asked a ton around here. Not one has worked out. Some have gotten back together only for the relationship to last a fraction of the time the first time around and for everyone to feel worse off than the first time.
I know this isn’t the optimistic answer you said you only wanted replies with, so here is how you maximize your chances at getting your ex back. Disappear as if you never existed. I’m being serious. Not many can do it. Anything else, and you’ll chase your ex to avoid you like the plague. This will give you a chance, but 2 things. 1) I wouldn’t hold your breath usually when relationships are over they don’t get back and 2) even if you get back, she didn’t do the necessary work to have a fulfilling relationship and it’ll most likely end in a similar way. Good luck
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2020 15:59:01 GMT
I am also sorry you are going through this pain.....I get it....I have been there and I know it hurts like the dickens. I want you to know that I came to this forum hoping to gain the same insight you are now asking for.....I wanted to “win back” the FA guy I was seeing. I tried all kinds of online suggestions (going no contact, then having light hearted conversations and posting pictures of myself having a great time and even being flirty.). I even tried the whole “friendship” thing while secretly hoping it would lead back to dating. None of it worked. Now, I can already hear the justification....she is DA not FA, she is a woman, not a man etc.etc. We have plenty of examples from a guy’s perspective if you look far enough back in the threads. There is a saying...be the person you want to date...meaning, work on yourself and then you will attract the right person..but there really isn’t a win an insecure partner back guaranteed solution that any of us can provide that will lead to a guaranteed happily ever after story.
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Post by globalmark on Jun 4, 2020 16:33:33 GMT
Hi Guys
yes you both right, i guess i already Know this , sorry didnt know this forum wasnt for this topic DHALI .. I also am not trying to Game her i would only want her back in a real love situation i want her to be happy of course ..
anyway thanks for Honest advice thats always the best way ...
i have read this all before but doesnt really help or stop you very easily when your hurting ans searching for answers, I looked on Youtube the personal development school and a THAIS GIBSON a expert in Attachment does mention a slow pressure free contact method but who knows ..
Thanks Mark
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2020 16:45:00 GMT
Hi Guys yes you both right, i guess i already Know this , sorry didnt know this forum wasnt for this topic DHALI .. I also am not trying to Game her i would only want her back in a real love situation i want her to be happy of course .. anyway thanks for Honest advice thats always the best way ... i have read this all before but doesnt really help or stop you very easily when your hurting ans searching for answers, I looked on Youtube the personal development school and a THAIS GIBSON a expert in Attachment does mention a slow pressure free contact method but who knows .. Thanks Mark So..I am going to question you here....I was not trying to “game” B either.....however, what is happening is trying to find a way to “change” the feelings of another person by changing your own. Put another way...does a slow, pressure free situation work for you? What if you start down this road and she finds someone more “suitable”? How will you feel? It is very typical AP attachment to forgo our needs as long as we can keep someone else happy....but it just leads to resentment and protest behavior. Not trying to be all gloom and doom here...but I have been through this. |
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Post by annieb on Jun 4, 2020 17:46:34 GMT
We as AP (I’ve been on all sides of this it feels and I am mostly FA), when we try to get back with a DA, or psychoanalyze them, etc. It’s all really a selfish act for us to feel better. We need to learn how to soothe ourselves because we are not respecting the DA. You need to understand that you disrespected her by reaching out when she was perfectly content without you. And analyzing her type, etc. That’s none of your business. If she has any issues she will find her own way of dealing with them. You need to spend time now dealing with your issues and figure out why you can’t self soothe. Look up different ways of self soothing and start learning self validation and self love. We make it about DA so we don’t have to deal with our own sh*t.
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Post by globalmark on Jun 4, 2020 19:24:27 GMT
Hey Tnr9
Thanks for that , No worries i have thick skin i prefer people to be open and honest - its always best even if hurt, better if my DA was like that or at least clearer earlier on.. -For me if she finds someone else then its definatelty over , i never chase or pine after a couple or someone there and if she broke up with them one day , i wouldnt be chasing - thats who i have always been .. some people chase married or someone in couple i never cheated in life. So she is welcome to find someone better ..Actually for me probably i could move on easier LOL .. built her shutters for house cupboards, cook clean, both all same interests and values (we honestly perfect match) so i really not bothered there..
Not sure what i am saying but this was really last attempted for me ,hence my 3 choices above after this i was kinda done as on the fence already- normally move on easily But this sudden break and no real reason except loved her and also Covid19 dont help or would just gone travel ..
thanks Please say whatever you feel , good to get a kick in the pants by someone who been through it ..
annieb - Thanks for reply , not sure it was clear But i did leave her in peace she reached out to me first after 3 weeks with covid19 excuse when i actually started to get over it, then yes i reached out 2nd time 5 weeks later and she responded really happy and nicely ... but thanks for comments as i said above i need a kick in the arse , need to self soothe and since i wrote this been meditation and self love affirmations and exercise and feel bit better , i have been working on self alot but obviously got long way to go get more secure.. Thanks and happy for your comments
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jun 4, 2020 21:55:03 GMT
Hi Guys I know many people will say move on she not worth it , she not emotionally available etc - but i when you know someone is you match you gotta try try once at least - so please only positive comments that possibly help , and if dont help me maybe someone else thats reads this .. DA- reconnect question Hi my girl broke up with me and i pretty sure she is a DA also a INFJ , 3 months ago everything seemed perfect but told her how i felt a few times tried to get closer and she needed space (i am 50/50 AA and secure) think i came on little to strong nice guy stuff - did to much for her wanted see her every weekend . and eventually she said needed space , after 3weeks i chased again as didnt know whats going on (to many messages) and she broke up , i went no contact she reached out after 3 + weeks just asking covid19 and family , we have small text chat was noce over her garden etc , Then i said i had something to do call or text me later , she replied"you or me have something to do" i ignored this hoping she would contact me again ,, Nothing so after 5 weeks more I contacted her light pressure free message , maybe funny pic, she responded couple time , I tried keep this up every couple days but now she responded shorter and less , now doesnt seem like any replies - Q. what is best way to proceed - either i thought leave for a week and try again light pressure free or write a letter telling how i feel and if she wants try or not (but i suspect letter will scare off more) - i love her but cant wait forever ... Suggestions would be great especially from DA, or infj's or anyone that been here. Just extra note - was 5-6month relationship I am 47 she 34 and saw every weekend and travelled together for 5 weeks over xmas but when returned has 2-3 weekends together which seemed great and then a chat over valentines day seemed to cause when asked space .. think that day was something she wanted to avoid but i said few times wanted to see her and she mentioned might be visiting parents ( i already made pressies and stuff weeks in advance) - anyway seemed Valentines day was a trigger start this .. Also I only found out after the break/space that she might be a DA by research and she posted a pic that shes a INFJ and i asked she said yes .. so i wasnt aware in the relationship she needed space and stuff more - she did say smothered a few times and being unaware guy didnt hear or get it .. Update - I did another reach out 5 days Later with a pic of dirty CAR that looked like hers and said are you stalking me (same joke i did before but she replied last time saying her car not clean smile emoji) - also asked her if wanted to talk about being INFJ as she showed interested last time i asked .. anyway whatsapp shows that she received but no blue ticks even though she been online she didnt read it , Also on instagram she put nice pic of a BEE (we both live bee pics) and i commented nice pic phone or Camera - that got me Unfollowed .. yikes I am 50/50 secure and AA i believe (quiz What to do Now with suspected DA and INFJ - should i write letter and then just wait and see (no contact) - or should i just assume she knows what i want and go no contact or should i leave it for a week/2 weeks and then try say Hi again. ?? I would love suggestions also , if i write her a letter , what should i say as i have written several but not sent and just get to long .. So suggestions please all . Final letter followed by no contact -then how and what to say or No contact at all or No contact for a couple weeks, followed by something light ? (providing she reads my Whatsapp, or will have to be email) - then what would i say ... Thanks All Mark You shouldn't be worrying about wanting to spend more time than a weekend together at the 5-6 month mark. That shows one of two things. The relationship wasn't there in the first place, which says a lot about her, because you wouldn't allow something to continue on that wasn't "real" to her, but you're clearly interested, that's very poor communication and at worst "leading someone on". So potentially it does point towards an "avoidant" attachment. But at 5-6 months, (you'd be doing that at around 3 month mark after a steady buildup) in a secure relationship, you'd be seeing each other daily, no questions asked, and high communication. You'll know where you stand. Problems are talked about ASAP, and you try and work on it, if not call it a day. Very simple. Also, the Myers-Briggs emphasis is nothing to do with "attachment". Like it hints at general personality (but this can change slightly with how you perceive some of the questions and answer in "that moment", has an error factor attached like attachment tests tbh), but it certainly can't predict the problems you are talking about here. They are self esteem/self worth issues, open communication issues at bare minimum. The fact she reached out far later, is literal "breadcrumbing" as dating coaches point out. She may not mean all this, and is internally struggling unbeknowest to her self, it's her subconscious, the real question is, would you rely on her if you were ever in need of help yourself? I'd say the answer is no. Therein lies the answer for you. Just not reliable. |
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Post by globalmark on Jun 4, 2020 22:46:27 GMT
Hey Dualcitizen , Thanks for reply, dont think there was worry about spending weekends together just work and we lived 1 hr apart so i usually went up friday to sunday or sometimes saturday to monday as when went to work i returned home , she did say words like smothering and to Available etc , but i am more AA and wanted more time guess she wanted less time. but usually she wanted to see me , but as i think back i was always one that said shall i come up for the weekend she said if you want , rather then ask me to come .. But also 5 weeks together over xmas then came back home and i saw her next 2 weekends in a row and everything was fine .. then Valentines day was the following and she wanted to visit parents , i said i wanted to see here even if only for a hr before she went - that triggered something i think .. still have all the presents I made for her.. and esculated from there but all through text , she never wanted speak on phone much or video chat - we did but very rare..
But as you say maybe breadcrumbing and have my answer .. definately think avoidant - when i said i love you (about 3 month mark) she said NO YOU DONT , that happenned a few times she couldnt accept that i loved her even though i didnt expect her to say it at the times, but my actions would really show her i cared. few times i told her i love you - she said No ? thats a first one for me. her actions also showed me she loved me even though she never said it directly it was very clear she did .... we live and learn ..
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Post by dhali on Jun 5, 2020 0:10:55 GMT
Welcome to intermittent reenforcement land. It’ll be your escort for the next 9 months as you deprogram. Enjoy the ride.
But seriously, hang in there. It’s a tough card deal. The way through is through self acceptance. All the best.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2020 2:45:46 GMT
Hey Dualcitizen , Thanks for reply, dont think there was worry about spending weekends together just work and we lived 1 hr apart so i usually went up friday to sunday or sometimes saturday to monday as when went to work i returned home , she did say words like smothering and to Available etc , but i am more AA and wanted more time guess she wanted less time. but usually she wanted to see me , but as i think back i was always one that said shall i come up for the weekend she said if you want , rather then ask me to come .. But also 5 weeks together over xmas then came back home and i saw her next 2 weekends in a row and everything was fine .. then Valentines day was the following and she wanted to visit parents , i said i wanted to see here even if only for a hr before she went - that triggered something i think .. still have all the presents I made for her.. and esculated from there but all through text , she never wanted speak on phone much or video chat - we did but very rare.. But as you say maybe breadcrumbing and have my answer .. definately think avoidant - when i said i love you (about 3 month mark) she said NO YOU DONT , that happenned a few times she couldnt accept that i loved her even though i didnt expect her to say it at the times, but my actions would really show her i cared. few times i told her i love you - she said No ? thats a first one for me. her actions also showed me she loved me even though she never said it directly it was very clear she did .... we live and learn .. The whole situation of you saying I love you and her saying, no you don’t can also be a way to regulate feeling overwhelmed...hard to say unless you actually spoke to her about it. If it truly was an esteem thing...then she isn’t DA and instead is FA. DAs don’t have low self esteem. The hard part is going to be to see her as she truly is and not just the “potential” if only the two of you were back together. |
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Post by globalmark on Jun 5, 2020 8:54:33 GMT
Thanks guys
tnr9 - i hear what your saying she also mentioned she is a INFJ , the avoidant part i just put together myself and she sounds like a DA thats just how i seen it beut yes she could be anything , was always hard to talk to her as answers were quite short when together ,, but as far as i understand a INFJ they also need lots space and close off like this ..
anyway thanks for advise
Mark
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Post by BecomingMe on Jun 5, 2020 9:52:56 GMT
globalmark, I am very sorry for what you're going through. Many of us on these boards understand your pain. We've been there in some way, shape or form. Breakups with DAs are hard because they put up a wall you cannot penetrate and the more you try, the higher it goes up. However, there is light at the end of this horrible Tunnel of pain and that is for you to understand yourself. Most of us here who've had DAs exes and didn't know about attachment theory had to look inside and heal. It isn't easy but the answer for your questions is to heal your AA side. I apologise if I sound presumptuous. Ive had a DA ex too and I had to step way back to understand myself before reaching out. The way I see it DA exes, who we don't want to let go, show us where our healing lies. Thais Gibson's videos on DA are very good. You mention you are also AA and she says something about AAs/FAs that has stuck with me and I paraphrase here - when you're all up there trying to take of someone else's needs, who's here taking care of your needs? You have to figure out how to do this. It's not an easy journey but you've gotten started, so don't lose hope. Put yourself first.
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Post by globalmark on Jun 5, 2020 10:07:49 GMT
hey ppawar
Thanks for those insites , yes looked at lots Thais gibsons videos and member of her facebook group .. just looking into doing one her courses maybe on AA , even though before dated this person didnt think i was Anxious at all as never had any issues moving on before - i have always had no problems meeting girls (ex scuba instructor) but something here triggered it i guess also was in a long term Toxic relationship with wrong woamn for 12-14 years so think that might have actually caused it more then childhood (like most these attachment people mention)
I am doing lots self love , meditations , affirmations, exercise, food , etc so doing all right things as much as possible - but really helps talk people on these posts who have been through it also ..
thanks Mark
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Post by alexandra on Jun 5, 2020 15:45:04 GMT
even though before dated this person didnt think i was Anxious at all as never had any issues moving on before - i have always had no problems meeting girls (ex scuba instructor) but something here triggered it i guess also was in a long term Toxic relationship with wrong woamn for 12-14 years so think that might have actually caused it more then childhood (like most these attachment people mention) You may want to look into flipping this. If you were in a toxic relationship, and willing to stay in it for 12-14 years, that sounds like you have always had attachment issues from earlier in life. It's very normal for an anxious preoccupied (or fearful avoidant) person to stay way too long in toxic relationships because they are disconnected from their needs, have unhealthy boundaries, and can stay for as long as they feel longing and potential (versus stable love and perhaps reality of what's in front of them). Anxious in regards to attachment theory isn't the same as having anxiety and doesn't necessarily manifest the same way, so even if you weren't consciously feeling anxiety in a relationship that long but you call it toxic, it probably compounded attachment issues you already had by reinforcing them, but the healing is still going to partially lie in figuring out the childhood narrative that got you there. |
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