For how long have you been together ? How intense have you been together and how often have you had contact with eachother, how often have you met ?
What it is about her that makes you think she's got some desorganised attatchment style ?
Maybe she got overwhelmed ? Moving slow is expecially important for people with some desorganised attatchmentstyle, but also for people with AP attatchment style. They also have to be aware if they are oversharing, crossing their own boundaries, beeing too vounarble which can trigger shame, old wounds ect.
"but our first few months were great, complete openness and honestly, telling each other this is the most open and honest we have felt in front of anyone ever, the best lovemaking for us both by a long shot and have professed our love to each other .."
Sounds like what can be typical for FA and AP people - moving with full speed ahead ....Maybe you just need to slow things down a little - taking a breather ?
It is easy to say all this stuff in the crushing phase when you are high on dopamine.
It can be easy for a FA to override their own boundaries in the crushing phase and AP's to leave themselves in the crushing phase.
Dating a person with some fa traits is often discribed as the most fantastic thing ever -they can make you feel ver y special - expecially to someone with ap attatchmentstyle.
Maybe you can see it as a good thing that she is slowing things down so that your relationship won't crach and burn ?.AP s can also end a relationship if things are moving too fast but for a different reason the if you are acting from a desorganised kind of state.
"Not responding to a text for a few hours.." - how fast do you expect her to respond ? Why and when do you text her ? If she is in freeze/fight/flight mode shes proberly not open for contact ? Or is she doing something else ?
Shes a little fa ? So shes got some secure attatchment style also or a mix of different attatchment styles (we of ten have traits from different attatchment styles) ?
Shes in therapy now willing to work on herself ?
"She has also shared that she has opened up in the past only for someone to use what she opened up about against her when breaking up with her......"
So maybe she got scared ?. You write that you have opend up to eachother fast ? Maybe you can tell her when it's convienent that you are not her ex and you are not going to do the same thing ?
Do you both want to try to see if you can Work things out ?
You can invite her to have a talk if you have been together around two months or longer - but when you have kind of agreed on that you want to see where this relationship leads you. - look in the thread "how to create a longlastning juicy relationship".
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1927/dating-tips-attatchment-styles-phasesRead the post with the 7 love phases from 28th of June 2019
From the healing desorganised healing thread:
"IT is not because of the same reasons as the avoidant (always moving away when the other gets close / or the ambivalent always moving toward when the other moves away) but IT is PANIC - they do not have a strategy - that's why it is called desorganised. They go into panic mode - they want to be close and distant at the same time. They get frigtent at an instinktive level. They can go into flight, and shut down and move away or start a fight. Or suddenly collapse into freeze.
They often cant even remember what just happend or how they have acted or what they have said, because they acted from the primitive instiktive reptile part of their brain.
That means sometimes they are shut down and frozen and not available for contact – they are more in their threat response, so there’s a shutting down of the attachment system and other times there is a lot of hyper-‐anxiety about what’s going on in the relationship.
The feeling of safety and good boundaries is important, if you have got some desorganized attatchment or if you are a partner to a person with some desorganised attatchment style.."
Dealing with a partner with desorganized attatchmentstyle:
Examine these topics to preserve your own health inside of a bond shared with a loved one with attachment injury or trauma.
Can You Maintain Healthy Boundaries?
We cannot change others, but we can control our reaction to their behavior. When your loved one or family member displays attachment injury, can you walk away or realize that their behavior is not truly related to you? This is difficult sometimes, as individuals often lash out due to chaotic emotions and the inability to self-regulate.
Letting your loved one know your boundaries can benefit you – and them. Is your loved one ready for help? If they are unaware of the area of attachment therapy, pointing him or her toward resources to help with secure attachment might be of value.
Display Sensitivity and Attunement
Realize that everyone comes from a subjective place. Often, showing attunement and compassion for your loved one with attachment injury gives them a taste of secure attachment while also setting a good example. It is possible to heal attachment at any age.
Attunement strategies include verbal and non-verbal qualities:
Affirmations
Acknowledgments
Active listening
Mirroring body language
Eye contact
Through attunement, your loved one can feel more secure, and being with less insecure people is far more pleasant.
Don’t Go on the Defensive
If your loved one shares a feeling with you, “I feel like my family doesn’t love or support me.” Or, “Everyone always lets me down.” Don’t come back with an immediate rebuttal. Respond while keeping in mind that it is their reality, their feelings. A compassionate response will validate their feelings and avoid the barrier that often arises with an instant rebuttal.
Sometimes we need to feel heard.
Brenee Brown, empathy Vs. sympathy - youtube
Good phrases to repair a disorganized attachment with your partner or other:
I notice you, and what you need
I'm sorry, I scared you
I want to protect you, and you can count on me
Let me make things clear for you
If your partner runs off and is triggered/situational triggered:
Remember they are looking for love and at the same time gets frightened by it.
You can try give your partner contact every day, if it feels natural to you.
But only short!
By sms short and loving.
By phone short and loving
If you meet, short and loving
Be clear in your communication.
No ambiguities. No long explanations. Brief/short, concistent and loving
If your partner could be under a lot of stress and stops the relationship out of nowhere:
If your partner could be under a lot of stress and stops the relationship out of nowhere:
Find out if there are many things happening in your partners life, so it's clear if your partners thoughts fly around on everything else. For example, a new apartment, a new job and a life as a student after some years of sabbath. Right now, your partners behavior is not normal, but you nterpret it as a natural stage and do not know if you should let your partner push you away and sometimes hurt you every time, but support your partners situation right now and hope for a few days / weeks a normal level again? Does your partner ends up feeling sorry for her/his behavior and is willing to fight for it?
Solution:
Keep on having the dialogue with your partner.
Remind your partner, that there is so much happening in her/his life right now, that it might be overwhelming for her/him. Investigate what kind of support, that overwhelmed part of your partner needs
Remember - If you have too much threat going on in a relationship, you'll lose the part of your brain that's actually interested in connection, intimacy, love, authenticity, and vulnerability."
There is also a post called the dog Valdemar in the same thread which maybe can be helpful to you:
"VAL method:
One of my friends has a dog called Valdemar. It has trauma and acts nerve-wracking to anyone other than my friend. Even she had to treat him carefully so as not to scare him away.
We went for a walk in the park and I pretended that Valdemar was not there, otherwise he would die of fear. At one point my friend would give me a treat I could give to the dog. I went there and held my hand as I walked, pretendend that the dog wasent there. After a while the dog came gently to me and took the treat. And I could also pat him.
I wanted to give the dog another treat and forgot to move carefully. I turned around and saw the dog into its eyes as I stretched out my hand with a treat.
The dog was getting a heart attack, so scared it became.
The dog jumped away with a kneejerk reaction.
It was too dangerous with my direct way.
This was also how it worked with my boyfriend.
Every time I reached out to him, he jumped away.
My method was to let my boyfriend come quietly to me.
My friend claimed that this method worked for most people. The method was to be there without making demands. Neither inside my head. The method was to rest in myself, just to be me.
I was curious about, what my boyfriend did without me having any projects on his behalf about what to do or not to do.
The more I practiced this method, the more it looked like love.
Wanting his best and my own best at the same time and giving freedom.
There was no sacrifice in this method and it did not require a lot of energy. It was just different from my auto pilot, that would be at the forefront of everything and have control.
My boyfriend became more attentive and he gave everything that I had longed for: closeness, enthusiasm, ease. Laughing together and having fun together..."
Being regulated yourself and holding space for your partner can be nessacary even if it can be challenging.
The tips are from different attatchment/SE/trauma workers/coaches.
But more information is needed I think.
