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Post by alexandra on Jun 14, 2020 19:13:11 GMT
A lot of our problems seem to come from him refusing to see the relationship in a team perspective. Well... yes and no. This blames him. It's also from you not wanting to accept who he is and where he's at, ie wanting him to change, because it's been 3 years of the same and he still doesn't meet your needs. Is he serious about changing now? Based on what you've written that he's said, I don't think he's got both feet in for earning secure yet, and that's not something someone can choose to do in order to save/fix a relationship. They choose it for themselves, because I've been through the process of earning secure and it's simply not something that can happen only for someone else. The process also changes a person, and changes dynamics, and not necessarily in the way you predict/assume and believe will make you happy. I wish you luck that the appointment Wednesday will go well and give you some more clarity. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 14, 2020 23:17:29 GMT
This is you mads. You cannot regulate his behaviour. Bring the focus back to you. Not what he’s doing or not doing, but the fact that you’re there. Your reactions. Your motivations. This is about you, not him right now. |
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mads
New Member
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Post by mads on Jun 15, 2020 19:18:39 GMT
Thanks guys, for keeping me in check. If I say anything close to that, I should rephrase so it isn't blaming. I will say here- the thing about the "team" perspective is actually something he brought up to me in the first place as a goal we should be ascribing to, that we should "be a team".. which, yes, I want that too (in general in a relationship). But yeah.. we never got to that point.
I'm feeling tired today. I don't feel like I miss him or have positive associations to him, he doesn't feel safe. I try to imagine joining the therapy session and I'm just kind of at a loss/ feeling exhausted by this whole thing.
BTW I guess he is back from camping and hanging with friends etc. He just now sent me a text. "Hello! Did u want to hang out this week or no?"
I don't think I want to right now, I'm not feeling good about this and I don't know what to say.
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Post by dhali on Jun 15, 2020 21:25:59 GMT
Well, you're not a team. And after 3 years, that's sadly, not a relationship. I'm sorry for your pain.
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mads
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by mads on Jun 19, 2020 7:47:03 GMT
So yesterday we had the Zoom session with the therapist.
The therapist started off asking us to explain our issues. Ben quickly says something kind of rude like “I’ll let her explain since shes the one who knows all our problems “ and the therapist was a little bit surprised seeming at the immediate rudeness imo, but anyway.
I did say at first i didn’t really feel safe sharing, but they both sort of just asked me again. Then I tried to explain things from my end, I started off that we had been making lots of progress toward connecting from where we started, but that I had been feeling a certain way with the pulling back lately , and not being able to have conversations that end in us feeling closer.. brought up a couple examples. Therapist defers to Ben. He says something prickly like, “yeah I mean that’s all right I guess I’m just not seeing how this is a win win for anyone” and some other kind of self defeating statements pushing me away.
That’s when the therapist said something like “she was very honest with us and that must have a taken a lot. Is there something you could say to show appreciation for sharing with us” (I really can’t remember exact words) and then he asked me to tell Ben how I wished he would respond and I said something like “i care about you and I’m willing to show up to work on this with you.”. and the therapist tried a few times to get something out of Ben and it wasn’t really working.
Something strange happened that the therapist missed. Ben broke up with me in some statement as he was talking. Then the therapist went again poking asking him to connect with me and I said no it’s okay really, he just broke up with me right then. And the therapist goes.. (because earlier I had said that Ben said he was scared of me and women in general)- And the therapist said “Ben can you tell her what scares you about her?” And he said “nothing”, and the therapist said “well I can name one thing, she said earlier you had broken up with her, and I never heard that” and asked Ben if he had broken up with me and he said No. so then I kind of felt like a crazy person, but I didn’t want to argue so I said, Sorry I must have misunderstood the “hope we can be friends in the future” thing. The therapist then apologized and said he didn’t mean for me to feel ganged up on.
Umm what else. Therapist said we need another therapist for couples therapy.. and sort of asked Ben to rephrase or come back with different responses a lot of the time, like rejecting what he was saying. I don’t know if any of this is normal.
He also asked him to look at my face when I looked sad.
And said he got a lot out of the session to work on with Ben.
At one point the therapist told Ben I was sensitive. I don’t think he has seen that side of him.
Oh also at one point Ben said I was funny and lots of people like me, and the therapist said something to me like, “wasn’t it nice that he said you make him laugh and are well liked ” and I said yes because I felt like that’s what I was supposed to say..
Anyway, since then Ben and I have been talking a bit over text but no one is pushing to meet up, which makes me feel relieved (at least right now). Im feeling calmer than I have in the last 3 years. I’m also pretty sure we wont ever work out. I tried. Oh and btw I’m sure I made tons of mistakes in that therapy session too. I have a call with my own (new) therapist tomorrow.
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