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Post by anne12 on Jun 13, 2020 1:55:48 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Jun 13, 2020 8:41:08 GMT
alexandraYou can't communicate your needs with a NPD, a aspd person. The more vounarble you become, the more the person can use sush information against you. And you can't use healthy boundarie setting either. And you can't get more secure with a person who uses gaslighting ect. Such a relationship will only tear you down the longer you stay. I know you already know this....and you are also writing this. But for an untrained eye it can seem a little unclear. Those of you who has usefull information from your own experiences, traumatized ex partners, links and support groups ect can maybe provide this woman with some of your information.... Just a thought
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Post by alexandra on Jun 13, 2020 9:34:04 GMT
Sure. To clarify, "Communicating with him likely won't help things with him as he's unaware (and 100% won't help if he's NPD)" entirely meant in regards to the relationship with him. I didn't mean helping him with his problems nor helping him be a better partner. I meant it likely won't help improve the relationship, and definitely won't if he's NPD.
But it's really important to learn how to communicate needs and thoughts and practice doing it. Anne's caution is about communicating this and feeling vulnerable with an unsafe person. If you blame yourself for their subsequent bad behavior or rejection of your needs, that makes things worse for you. That's why I tried to say if there's a negative response, it is his shortcomings and lack of capacity, not yours. So try not to internalize it if that happens, as it is not you, and a healthier partner will not do this.
If he is NPD or ASPD, you're best off just leaving. Communication won't work against a pathology. But I don't know him and I don't know if he's got a personality disorder, and the OP is imploding because she's not communicating at all.
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Post by dhali on Jun 15, 2020 21:30:23 GMT
Plus, the closer to secure you get, the better your boundaries and communication get, and you naturally start attracting healthier people... because you're more attracted to those traits and as you grow stronger within yourself, you simply won't tolerate dismissal or emotional or verbal abuse. I recently went on 2 socially distanced dates with a complete babe. At the end of the second date, I told her I'd like to see her for a 3rd. BTW, I disclosed my avoidance. And it led to a discussion about the things I do to manage it. Anyhow, she accepted the invite. And then added that she wasn't in a place of emotional availability. It took me a day for it to sink in, and I was totally into her, but I let he know that dating her wasn't in my best interest, that being the case. Previously, I would have tried to win her over. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2020 21:39:12 GMT
dhali ❤. Everything about that is awesome!
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Post by mrob on Jun 16, 2020 1:13:16 GMT
Good on you dhali. You saved yourself one hell of a lot of heartache there. |
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