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Post by anne12 on Jun 30, 2020 2:46:56 GMT
iz42 You're welcome If you are also HSP be aware that HSP's often process things more deeply Not easy when you've got trauma / developmental trauma on top of it.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 30, 2020 3:14:40 GMT
iz42, a lot of localities are offering extra mental health help and resources because of the pandemic, some of which are probably free. Maybe you can look into starting there?
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Post by iz42 on Jun 30, 2020 3:23:30 GMT
I have a therapist right now but I can only afford to see her once or twice a month because the sessions are so expensive and she doesn't take insurance. I like her a lot but she specializes in eating disorders, not attachment or trauma. I've been planning to find someone through my insurance who will be cheaper but I'm not sure it will be worthwhile to go to a therapist who doesn't have specialized training in SE or attachment.
I also want to clarify that I don't obsess about the cheating incident all the time. It just comes up from time to time, and when I'm single it's easier to focus on it because I start wondering how my life could have been different. It's helpful to learn more about the different reasons behind why people cheat. I guess I assumed that I must have been avoidant to be sabotaging a good relationship. It does make sense that an AP would cheat in a situation where they were looking for validation. And now that I an honest look at it, I don't really think my ex and I would have been happy in the long term. There were too many communication issues.
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Post by iz42 on Jul 2, 2020 8:27:31 GMT
I know I’m probably overthinking here but I’m thinking a lot about cheating and infidelity. Do securely attached people ever cheat? I have a tendency to idealize secure people and think that they have achieved a kind of perfection and that they never hurt others, never make mistakes, etc. I feel jealous of my peers from high school who have been with their life partners since a young age and have found this long term happiness. Maybe not all secure couples are happy, but that’s what I assume. this probably shows my AP tendencies to idealize others and devalue myself.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 2, 2020 9:03:39 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Jul 2, 2020 9:08:33 GMT
iz42, secure attachment means a few things: healthy balance of trust of self and trust of others (leading to good boundaries), comfortable being independent or interdependent, and not projecting unrelated issues and motivations onto others. This does NOT mean always happy, always harmonious, perfect in every or any way. It means, on the whole, not responding to stress with additional layers upon layers of unrelated problems and tackling the issue actually at hand. So, it makes things easier in the sense that there aren't extra layers of pain and over-complicating issues, but it does not remove all problems. There's more of a sense of acceptance and optimism that one could argue increases resiliency in the face of stress, that's mainly it. I'm sure immature and inexperienced secure people can still cheat. I've known of it happening. And I'm sure some secures somewhere sometimes imagine cheating. But overall, secure would be more likely to end the relationship before actually cheating, recognizing that things are that bad and not fearing being alone too much to initiate a breakup. Or perhaps they'd try to problem-solve the issues and communicate better about what might later drive someone to want to cheat before it got to that point.
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Post by mrob on Jul 2, 2020 10:29:51 GMT
The other thing iz42 is that just because people have been together forever, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re securely attached. I know one couple in particular that have been together since high school where the dynamic is crazy! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 2, 2020 23:47:14 GMT
The other thing iz42 is that just because people have been together forever, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re securely attached. I know one couple in particular that have been together since high school where the dynamic is crazy! My mom and step dad have been married 30 years and they are opposite politically and my mom is often frustrated at my step father. |
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Post by iz42 on Jul 3, 2020 7:30:34 GMT
You all make good points. I definitely make assumptions based on social media and how things appear from the outside. I do know some couples who are definitely secure, but even then, it doesn’t mean they are perfectly compatible in all ways.
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