Can Please Use Input

I think the definition of chemistry needs some consideration. What do you define as chemistry? Usually, chemistry is taken to feel frission, passion, excitement, butterflies, nervousness etc etc etc. For me as an insecure, this "chemistry" is now a huge red flag - it usually means the other person is also unavailable somehow. And now I use it as a key indicator - my body knows almost immediately what this other person is going to be like.

I've since come to define "good" chemistry as a positive pleasant buzz that's very low key and easy. it is not.. exciting, intense, high arousal that make me nervous and shy and turned on. It, of course, needs to be pleasant and positive and there is a sense of desire of wanting more, but if there was a heightened sense of nervousness and excitement, chances are that my attachment is being triggered. as insecures, we are so used to heightened sensations and anxiety that it's become a norm for us to take it as an indicator that something relational is happening. and it is, but it probably is insecurity being triggered lol.

I'll give you some examples of my own.

i've once flew across the world to meet someone I had great chemistry online and we seem compatible. when we met, it felt like we were married for a very long time and we are comfortable as it. but it wasn't that we were comfortable with each other positively, it was more the "i've known this dude for a million years and cannot be bothered anymore" kind of comfort. The feeling was mutual and it ended there. so that was chemistry and compatibility, but completely boring chemistry that we both didnt want.

i've also once met someone on a trip and the chemistry was just explosive, and we both made efforts/considered moving to each other's countries without actually discussing plans or even speaking of these efforts to each other - we would just sort of find out through other common friends or slip-ups during texting. So that was amazing chemistry but completely crazy.

with my current partner (previously da), the chemistry is very.... mild and calm. it's comfortable without being boring, it's positive without being intense. and I would have completely missed it (just very recently turned secure then) if he has not persisted in dating. this sort of feeling was very new to me and I had just taken it as "no chemistry" or that "it's kinda boring", precisely because I was so used to the intense sizzling that made me feel alive. I asked him before why he persisted, and he said he doesnt know but there was something and he was curious what that "something" was - he leans DA and I think he also felt quite weirded out by this chemistry. This chemistry made it possible for me to function everyday and still experience a low-key positive buzz, which is quite nice because it "added" to the day, not "highlight" of the day. I think that made it easier for me to run my own life without feeling like it's being taken over by the relationship/person, and that was what I had wanted for myself. this was not immediately apparent to me, but we discuss this very frequently which helps concretize these thoughts.

I will urge you to think about what chemistry means to you, and what kind of chemistry you want to experience in a relationship. So perhaps think about how you want to feel everyday if you are in a LT relationship, and then try to create those "feelings" consistently through other experiences, so that you can recognise it when you see it.

good luck! dating can be a difficult process indeed.

my advice is to stay away from "forms" and focus on "feelings". respecting someone is a fundamental criteria for any relationship to work, in my opinion, but that respect should not be based on achievements. Then you're definitely going to run into many DAs because they tend to be relatively high achieving but not quite available. wanting to look up to someone is also not a great thing to "want", just think about what that looks like already! there are 2 key things here.

1 - you can be very successful, even if you're doing charity work, by being a complete dick to someone else. Do not focus on the outcome, focus on the traits/processes that got him there. how did he become successful? because he was a workaholic and/or was obsessed with his work? what would that mean for you as a partner? was he a complete dick and knew how to step on others to get ahead? does he think of everything in business terms? it will spill over to you and you need to know if that's what you want for yourself.
2 -  if you're successful what you are looking for is someone equally successful, whatever that version of success is. Do you already look up to yourself and respect what you have achieved? what do you need to look up to him for? successful people can give you good advice, but so can unsuccessful wise people. why do you need him to have success? I'm not shitting on this, because I'm rather snobby myself  and I do care if my partner has a reasonable amount of success/ambition/work ethic. LOL. but I think it is important to explain to yourself why you want that person to be successful - and if that "why" is a good thing to have in a partner. My past partners (the ones I'm most attached to) are also highly successful at work - my last one being a MD of a MNC, but that was an absolutedisaster. I was very attracted to his mind and work ethic and success, because I felt like that was someone I could look up to and respect, and that he has done it all and can advise me in navigating through work/life. It absolutely sucks. Now, I think of it as...would you want to date your intern? 


I think the key is to really build a life you are content and happy with, and be someone you can look up to, and then find someone who can match your standards of what you think makes a good life. 

Woah, so last night, for whatever reason I could not stop thinking about the last DA. To the point where I almost wrote to him (didn't, thankfully). But what is that? I decided he was "perfect" and kept going over in my mind what happened (I still don't really know only can guess).

Also, what is the deal with a DA who suddenly ghosts - hot and cold? They get spooked or something?

But, in thinking about him, he did have my respect and whenever he said something that threatened to lose it, I freaked out. So I'm realizing this respect thing is big for me. Like I really fear losing respect b/c then I think it's over....

I loved how he supported a child that wasn't even his. He still does. I love that he did it from his heart and showed his loyalty. He was financially successful and it wasn't so much his job or career or success at work, but that he had that financial stability (I do not) (and this may be where he fled). I liked that he was the same astrological sign as me and related to work ethic and organized home, etc. It felt like a lot of compatibility and chemistry.

Or maybe it was just me sniffing out the old usual DA.

ShiningStar, good question, but I think the answer is both.

Providing with what I do not have - a partner, a coparent/father figure for child, financial support, etc is a definite. But I couldn't have that without the respect piece (admiration, shared values, etc).

Alexandra, so what does chemistry look like for you now if not coming from the attachment parts?

Just some observations from few days.

I know I used to be super anxious. But I'm still confused about that b/c now I can seem so avoidant. Isn't it 2 sides of the same coin? Fear of intimacy because either way you're afraid of intimacy (anxious with someone who was avoidant).

I'm talking to a bunch of guys from online. A lot at once. I can do a lot of observing and I see how quick I will shut down. My therapist is trying to encourage me to speak up, have boundaries, etc. And don't outright dismiss someone but start to use boundaries to "teach them" in a way how to be with me. She thinks I'm going to need someone with a lot of "stamina" she says and someone who isn't sensitive to my physiology - which is kind of highly changeable, so that they don't get their abandonment stuff triggered when I'm always pulling away.

Ha! Tall order, I guess.

She said I seem to want someone who is 100% on my life path even though I'm dating men in their 40s and 50s. That they've been on their life paths of years (she's basically saying it's unrealistic).

So anyway, a nice guy I was talking to but turns out to be "too nice" almost like he is appeasing me. That turns me off immediately. We also had a few emails, 1 phone convo and a couple texts and haven't met yet and I'm getting "good morning" emails every morning. sometimes before 8 am! What the heck is that? Why do guys do this? For me, that is reserved for like well into dating when you know someone's schedule and you've been intimate with them. He also says "hi beautiful" even though he's only ever seen photos of me and "I can't wait to talk again" (and wanted to talk to me the day after our first convo).

Is this normal? Red flag?

Guy #2 is chill. We can go days without texting and he doesn't seem to take it personally. I see him online - he's still out there looking. But based on our conversations, he has a lot of disorganized attachment. He seems to go after women who treat him poorly. He still stays hooked into them long after they are gone.

Guy # 3 I just like. But his energy is sooooo slow for me. My therapist thinks he is a bit on the spectrum and says "You don't need more of that," because I have a child and an ex with Asperger's. He's an odd guy. He will go weeks without texting. And then text. And tell me he just got diagnosed with Lyme, and I'll give him some tips, and then he'll send me a video of him playing piano. Etc. But it's like ... ? What are we doing? It has a friends vibe but that is fine. I'm most physically attracted to him on paper. His mom lives with him <------ that worries me! Even though he is a single dad and has his boys most of the time (ex lives in another state). I am not judging it but... but then suddenly he'll surprise me and say he's gonna call me and he does. I missed him last night, so he left a message to say he's going to call tonight. A little pursuit in him feels good, feels fine (doesn't' scare me into shutting down)