Can Please Use Input

seeking, to answer your initial question.

Anxious side attachment is conscious fear of abandonment and unconscious fear of engulfment. Avoidant side attachment is conscious fear of engulfment and unconscious fear of abandonment.

From your descriptions of the guys, I think you're projecting a lot on them, assuming a lot about them with little information, and projecting what you want on them without meeting them or getting to know them. There's a lot of over-analysis in respect to very little initial contact, which makes me think you're not very open and are looking for excuses to distance (kind of as you said about being avoidant right now). You're not letting the guys show you who they are.

I actually don't think it's a red flag that the guy is messaging good morning or that the other guy asked if you have time to date. If you feel good morning guy is too intimate, just tell him texting so early in the day isn't part of your morning routine. He can reach out if / when he wants, but if that's bothering you then manage his expectations that you won't respond until later on. But I'm not sure why that should bother you except you're actually assigning an expectation and obligation with it in your own head. You can just ignore it until later in the day, no big deal.

The other guy probably has dated single mothers before and had issues with them not actually having time to date (or perhaps they just didn't click with him and gave him that as an excuse). I don't think that's a rude question unless he keeps harping on it and making negative or competitive remarks about kids.

It's totally okay not to date if you need time to focus on and connect with yourself... what are you really looking for from online dating right now if you're also somewhat closed off? I also agree with your therapist. Think of it this way... look how exacting you're trying to be in wanting these guys to be and do exactly what you want. If they're in their 40s and 50s and used to living alone and doing their own thing, can you really control for how they live their lives to your preferences? Wouldn't you be offput if they weren't really particularly open and had similar expectations of wanting you to be a certain way, especially before they got to know you? There just seems to be a lot of fear and control and projection going into this overall, which can't be fun for you and reflects something in your connection with yourself.

What gave me that impression was the over-analysis of all the guys and focusing on what may be wrong with each

I do agree with the posts telling you to go with your gut, though. If there's other stuff bothering you about the good morning guy, then trust yourself and let it go. If you sense someone is pushy or controlling (or manipulative), then trust yourself on it and don't get involved. I'm just also recommending you look at what the guys are showing you with neutrality, openness, and curiosity, and not coming from a defensive place that gives things a negative bias.

I understand not trusting yourself and therefore wanting advice, because you've had bad relationships and know you still may have trouble identifying your projected triggers versus real issues the guys bring to the table. And my advice about focusing on getting yourself more secure, so you can build the trust in your own judgement in addition to going into dating open-minded, is from my personal experience -- because I've done all the stuff we're discussing myself in the past!


Yes, this is also what I'm trying to call out, so it's good you're aware of it. But the healthier boundaries naturally come with the work you do on improving your trust in yourself and your acceptance of yourself (ie that it's okay if you make a mistake or simply accepting it's okay to be you wherever you're at, I don't know enough about your attachment issues to necessarily know what self-acceptance means to you).



Glad that was helpful!

Unfortunately, my experience is that a lot of men don't really care if the information on your profile is their thing or not as long as they find you attractive. They just want you to like them, so they will ignore that information or tell you they do like those things too. I can't tell you how many men have messaged me even when they are not remotely close to fitting or relating to the information in my profile. 

 

Re: testing...Oh, I have gotten better at this, but I didn't used to be so great! I'll check out these resources. Thanks!

seeking
I am not saying that you are not fearfull avoidant (I call it desorganised) ....
This thread talks about dating and tips and tricks depending on your attatchment style, how to regulate, how to find out what you are looking for ect.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1927/dating-tips-attatchment-styles-phases

 
It's more about honestly communicating this. Most people don't because they don't want to turn you off because they miss out on having you in a way that they see fit that may not be in line with what you are looking for. A lot of people require autonomy but don't give it in return. Or vice verse.




This is an excellent point.