Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2020 16:41:56 GMT
Hello people! I've been reading through this forum a lot lately and it helped me understand more about attachment styles and the corresponding dynamics in a relationship. Since I still struggle with my situation I thought I will open my own thread. Thanks in advance for any replies, I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
First of all a few remarks why I think that my ex-girlfriend is FA:
- Early in our relationship she told me several very personal things about herself. She suffers from PTSD and social phobia because of her abusive ex-boyfriend. He was alcoholic, tried to beat her several times but he wanted to marry her. After a rough fight she left but blamed everything on her. Because of these circumstances she claimed that she really needs time to be able to trust someone.
-She also told me that she has the tendency to run away, cut people off her life even though it seems irrational. She is currently in therapy because of all these mental issues.
-Her childhood was not easy, her parents did not show any love and she was bullied a lot because of her appearance. "I don't want to blame my parents for what I become but I also cannot deny it".
-During our short relationship there were times were she claimed her own space, to be alone, to have her own routine. I respected that mostly, but not in the week before we broke up.
-She told me that she struggles to show love, her way of showing it was to buy small things to cheer my day up. No expensive things, just for example food that I like.
-2 months in our relationship I told her that I love her. It seems quite early but I truly do, we had so many things in common, especially our aims in life, she wants to settle and have kids and so do I. Anyways, she told me that it is a bit early for her, but she likes to know on what she's on.
So based on all these cirumstances I think she is FA and I also think that she is strongly aware about it.
So how was our relationship? I must say, it went from 0 to 100 really fast. We started to text exactly on the day where I had a bad accident (achilles tendon rupture). I was in hospital for 4 days, we texted throughout the whole time with long phone calls in the evening. One week after our first meetup, another week after she came to my place, I cooked for her and she stayed at my place for the night, we kissed a lot
. Fast forward another week, she stayed again at my place and we had sex, maybe the best I've ever had. It was all perfect, our communication was superb, we talked about everything. From there on we saw each other at least every second day. After two more weeks I asked her whether we are exclusive now which she accepted.
Then Corona arrived in my country. She had contact with an infected person and had to put herself into quarantine. Since she is living with her dad, I proposed to stay at my place to keep him safe, which she was okay with. Two weeks quarantine, just two small fights (one of them because my ex, which I am still befriended with called me because her friend broke up. My gf didn't like it that I still have contact with her but I assured her I cut it to a minimum for us, which I did). Despite these fights, we enjoyed each other quite much. The first day after quarantine she told me that it was probably not a good idea. These extremes are hard to cope with, especially for someone with the "tendency to run away". At that time I assured her that everything will be alright and that it is a good foundation for our relationship. Today I think it was one of our major mistakes during the relationship.
Since she is working in a place with handicapped people, she wanted to make sure that she kept her social interactions at a minimum. It basically means that I was her only contact during the next month (Again, major mistake). We still saw each other a lot, texted a lot and had only minor fights, mostly via text (gosh I hate Whatsapp..misscommunication at its finest). In person, we never fought, it was very harmonic. She told me several times that she enjoys my presence, that I became a great, valuable constant in her life. Anyways, she also had some days were she was really off in in terms of showing feelings. But also I met her mom and dad, both liked me. The idea of meeting my parents irritated her, mostly because of her social phobia.
1 1/2 week prior to the breakup we have made a short trip for three days in a romantic place. She was a bit moody (period was hitting strong) but we still had some meaningful moments. On our way home I started to eff up heavily. I asked her why she constantly criticizes me for minor things (which was totally justified, my bad), like my way of driving or how I sometimes interact with people. Well she couldn't understand obviously, blocked the conversation. 30 minutes later she was really mad (again, justified), saying that she maybe just need some time on her own. Why did I do it in the first place? Because I am stupid and wanted reassurance.
After I dropped her at home, I wrote her whether we should cut contact completely or leave it to texting. She said texting is okay and she was thinking about me and wanted to ask how I am. Later I excused myself. Well the next days were really weird. She always initiated conversations, asked me to go shopping with her which we did (she was quite distant tbh). Since I had the feeling that our confrontation was still unsolved I constantly pushed her to talk about it, to meet up, to call me. She assured everything was fine (which I think really was the case, she just needed space). So on a stressful day from her side I wished her good night, she did not answer, I was pissed and confronted her. The next morning she said she felt asleep and thanks for blaming me. Conversation stopped from there, she was heavily annoyed. I excused myself via a 2 minute voice message, saying that I don't know where my head is at the moment, that I don't want to loose her. Tbh, my situation was not the best at the moment and this relationship seemed to be the only thing which made me happy (another big mistake..).
I constantly pushed her to talk about it again which she obviously refused. Five days later she offered a meetup and broke up with me. Things she said:
I already made a cut in my head. You suffocated me. The idea of sleeping next to you the next time was making me crazy. You constantly saying that you don't want to loose me put some great pressure on me.I still care about you and you can text me whenever something is up.
She also offered another talk which we will do this week (two weeks after the breakup).
It puzzles me a lot. On the one hand I was really clingy and needy the last weeks. But on the other hand her breakup seemed to be quite impulsive. Plus I don't understand why she offered another talk.
Well, reading a lot about attachment theory lately gave me some insight. I was pulling her torwards me and she constantly pushed away. I was not able to give her that space she needed and things escalated.
For our next conversation I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible. I accepted the breakup. I don't think that we are incompatible but the time and circumstances were just not right. From previous relationships (2yrs & 7yrs) I have the feeling that I am pretty secure. My whole situation (health problem, stress at work, social isolation) made me be clingy and needy.
What do you think about the whole story? For now I really just want to be friends with her to have a solid foundation for a possible reconciliation in the future. As I said, I accepted the breakup and know that it had to end this way to open my eyes and understand that now I am probably not ready for a relationship.
First of all a few remarks why I think that my ex-girlfriend is FA:
- Early in our relationship she told me several very personal things about herself. She suffers from PTSD and social phobia because of her abusive ex-boyfriend. He was alcoholic, tried to beat her several times but he wanted to marry her. After a rough fight she left but blamed everything on her. Because of these circumstances she claimed that she really needs time to be able to trust someone.
-She also told me that she has the tendency to run away, cut people off her life even though it seems irrational. She is currently in therapy because of all these mental issues.
-Her childhood was not easy, her parents did not show any love and she was bullied a lot because of her appearance. "I don't want to blame my parents for what I become but I also cannot deny it".
-During our short relationship there were times were she claimed her own space, to be alone, to have her own routine. I respected that mostly, but not in the week before we broke up.
-She told me that she struggles to show love, her way of showing it was to buy small things to cheer my day up. No expensive things, just for example food that I like.
-2 months in our relationship I told her that I love her. It seems quite early but I truly do, we had so many things in common, especially our aims in life, she wants to settle and have kids and so do I. Anyways, she told me that it is a bit early for her, but she likes to know on what she's on.
So based on all these cirumstances I think she is FA and I also think that she is strongly aware about it.
So how was our relationship? I must say, it went from 0 to 100 really fast. We started to text exactly on the day where I had a bad accident (achilles tendon rupture). I was in hospital for 4 days, we texted throughout the whole time with long phone calls in the evening. One week after our first meetup, another week after she came to my place, I cooked for her and she stayed at my place for the night, we kissed a lot
. Fast forward another week, she stayed again at my place and we had sex, maybe the best I've ever had. It was all perfect, our communication was superb, we talked about everything. From there on we saw each other at least every second day. After two more weeks I asked her whether we are exclusive now which she accepted. Then Corona arrived in my country. She had contact with an infected person and had to put herself into quarantine. Since she is living with her dad, I proposed to stay at my place to keep him safe, which she was okay with. Two weeks quarantine, just two small fights (one of them because my ex, which I am still befriended with called me because her friend broke up. My gf didn't like it that I still have contact with her but I assured her I cut it to a minimum for us, which I did). Despite these fights, we enjoyed each other quite much. The first day after quarantine she told me that it was probably not a good idea. These extremes are hard to cope with, especially for someone with the "tendency to run away". At that time I assured her that everything will be alright and that it is a good foundation for our relationship. Today I think it was one of our major mistakes during the relationship.
Since she is working in a place with handicapped people, she wanted to make sure that she kept her social interactions at a minimum. It basically means that I was her only contact during the next month (Again, major mistake). We still saw each other a lot, texted a lot and had only minor fights, mostly via text (gosh I hate Whatsapp..misscommunication at its finest). In person, we never fought, it was very harmonic. She told me several times that she enjoys my presence, that I became a great, valuable constant in her life. Anyways, she also had some days were she was really off in in terms of showing feelings. But also I met her mom and dad, both liked me. The idea of meeting my parents irritated her, mostly because of her social phobia.
1 1/2 week prior to the breakup we have made a short trip for three days in a romantic place. She was a bit moody (period was hitting strong) but we still had some meaningful moments. On our way home I started to eff up heavily. I asked her why she constantly criticizes me for minor things (which was totally justified, my bad), like my way of driving or how I sometimes interact with people. Well she couldn't understand obviously, blocked the conversation. 30 minutes later she was really mad (again, justified), saying that she maybe just need some time on her own. Why did I do it in the first place? Because I am stupid and wanted reassurance.
After I dropped her at home, I wrote her whether we should cut contact completely or leave it to texting. She said texting is okay and she was thinking about me and wanted to ask how I am. Later I excused myself. Well the next days were really weird. She always initiated conversations, asked me to go shopping with her which we did (she was quite distant tbh). Since I had the feeling that our confrontation was still unsolved I constantly pushed her to talk about it, to meet up, to call me. She assured everything was fine (which I think really was the case, she just needed space). So on a stressful day from her side I wished her good night, she did not answer, I was pissed and confronted her. The next morning she said she felt asleep and thanks for blaming me. Conversation stopped from there, she was heavily annoyed. I excused myself via a 2 minute voice message, saying that I don't know where my head is at the moment, that I don't want to loose her. Tbh, my situation was not the best at the moment and this relationship seemed to be the only thing which made me happy (another big mistake..).
I constantly pushed her to talk about it again which she obviously refused. Five days later she offered a meetup and broke up with me. Things she said:
I already made a cut in my head. You suffocated me. The idea of sleeping next to you the next time was making me crazy. You constantly saying that you don't want to loose me put some great pressure on me.I still care about you and you can text me whenever something is up.
She also offered another talk which we will do this week (two weeks after the breakup).
It puzzles me a lot. On the one hand I was really clingy and needy the last weeks. But on the other hand her breakup seemed to be quite impulsive. Plus I don't understand why she offered another talk.
Well, reading a lot about attachment theory lately gave me some insight. I was pulling her torwards me and she constantly pushed away. I was not able to give her that space she needed and things escalated.
For our next conversation I want to make it as comfortable for her as possible. I accepted the breakup. I don't think that we are incompatible but the time and circumstances were just not right. From previous relationships (2yrs & 7yrs) I have the feeling that I am pretty secure. My whole situation (health problem, stress at work, social isolation) made me be clingy and needy.
What do you think about the whole story? For now I really just want to be friends with her to have a solid foundation for a possible reconciliation in the future. As I said, I accepted the breakup and know that it had to end this way to open my eyes and understand that now I am probably not ready for a relationship.
