What do DA/FAs want from their partners? (post-breakup shock
Jun 21, 2020 23:19:42 GMT
maryk likes this
Post by hottears on Jun 21, 2020 23:19:42 GMT
I'll start up front with a disclaimer that I'm new to attachment theory, so I feel like I'm grasping at straws a bit here– apologies for any vagaries/inaccuracies/generalizations as I try to articulate myself! Sorry, as well, for the length!!!!
I'm 27F and I tend towards anxious-preoccupied attachment, but I made progress towards secure attachment during my most recent relationship of four years with a DA/FA partner (27M). Learning about my partner's needs for distance and solitude actually helped me with my anxious tendencies in some really healthy ways. He did not, however, evolve in a similar way, and I'm now left completely baffled by how things went so wrong and wondering what the hell he wanted/wants....
During our first two years together, he suppressed his desire for distance and tried to "play the part" he thought he was supposed to– texting and calling daily, setting aside weekends for me, etc. My anxious personality ate this up. I loved the closeness and thought he did too. I had no idea that the established dynamic pained him so terribly until he began lashing out: I was "high maintenance, inconsiderate, overbearing, dependent," etc. Everything I did was wrong and grounds for critique. We lacked the emotional intelligence to calmly talk about our differing needs, and so we fell into a rut of feeling put-upon (him) and unduly criticized (me). After two years together, he broke up with me suddenly, without a conversation. I was blindsided. He "couldn't envision a future in which we were both happy."
For two no-contact weeks, I did some intense introspection and decided to take 100% responsibility for my anxious attachment and the toll it took on our relationship. I proposed a few more months of no contact during which I would continue to examine my tendencies and aim to evolve– I gently suggested that he do the same, but tried to keep the focus on myself and what I could change. He agreed, we spent a few months apart, I reached out eventually, and we got back together. He told me at that point that he had actually wanted to get back together immediately during that conversation two weeks post-breakup because he was so encouraged by my willingness to better understand him. We were both so happy.
When we first reunited he was, in his words, "all in," but it quickly became clear that the success of our relationship was predicated on my ability to respond to his needs. Everything came to feel like a test of my flexibility. I tried to make sure he felt comfortable articulating his boundaries and taking his space which led to weekdays and nights spent separately, infrequent texting, few (if any) phone calls, etc. Like I said earlier, this actually helped me relinquish some of my anxious tendencies and become more secure (I came to really appreciate having time for my own interests, activities, and friendships) but I felt as though if I did want or need to call him or spend time with him during the week, I was a burden and he felt like I ought to know better than to intrude. Whenever he would call me during the week, come over on a weeknight, watch a movie or do an activity that was more so "my thing" than his, or basically cede any of his time to me, we'd jokingly make a fuss like it was the absolute most thoughtful thing in the entire world– these were gestures I wouldn't think twice about and would genuinely enjoy doing for him but were truly sacrificial for him. A similar dynamic played out sexually... any sexual encounter that took longer than planned (i.e. if I took a while to get off) became a source of resentment.
Even the weekends– our only time together– came to be too much. When I was at his place, he'd constantly ask me "What do you have planned for the day?" which he later told me was a distancing strategy to make sure I wasn't planning to interfere with what he wanted to do with his time. He told me once he'd purposely withhold physical affection to ensure that I wouldn't feel invited to get close to him and take him away from whatever he was doing (writing, reading, working out, etc.). But I listened to him and adjusted accordingly– I made sure I always brought work, reading, clothes to work out in whenever I came to his place so that we could have our own days.
The most routine disagreements or miscommunications became catastrophes that would lead to deadly serious conversations about compatibility– the subtle messaging in each of these conversations was that the fault lay with me and my shortcomings, and even if my partner could acknowledge that he played any sort of part in the issue he would float a breakup before ever suggesting that he had work to do on his end as well. One time, after reading a book called Conscious Loving, I suggested that we resolve a disagreement by talking through the role we'd both played in the issue. I was totally willing to take responsibility for my part, but until that point, my faults had been the only topic. He told me through gritted teeth that he would do it, but that my "manipulation" of the moment made him feel "physically sick." I know that DA/FAs are supposed to value "independence" in their partners, but my attempt to be assertive/open/collaborative in this situation was not appreciated.
The day before he broke up with me, we were getting ready to go to a BBQ at his friend's house. I could tell he wasn't really up to going so I suggested we stay back– he said, "I definitely don't want to go, but we need to because I feel like I don't know what to do when it's just the two of us here. I feel like I need to fill the time or we'll just be here together and I'll feel smothered. I just don't get the same thing that you get from our time together." This despite my conscientious, consistent, and honestly pretty successful efforts to make sure he feels totally free to do his thing and not worry about me. He said, "Just knowing you're here, even if your occupied, puts pressure on me to be attentive." I told him that I genuinely felt that if we spent any less time together, we wouldn't be together– it simply wouldn't be a partnership. He had nothing to say to this.
Despite what the previous description might suggest, our relationship was actually relatively happy and stable on the whole. Our spiritual, intellectual, social, and sexual connections were intense and gratifying. We come from similar families and look at the world the same way. We talked marriage and children and growing old together and it brought us such joy. He'd constantly tell me that he wanted to love me and make me happy for as long as I'd have him– that he wanted us to work. He knows that I know him better than he knows himself and love him wholly and unconditionally. Any change I desire in him would be for his benefit alone and I present straightforwardly, without manipulation. The morning of our breakup, we were planning a big trip and reflecting on how much we appreciate our love. Hours later, his heart "isn't in it," we "lack spark," and we'll "never be happy together."
tl;dr What do DA/FAs actually want from their partners? Do they want partners at all? It's hard for me to see how their traits and tendencies are at all conducive to sustaining long-term romantic connection. I (AP/SA) tried to be as flexible as I could possibly be and respond to every need and boundary my DA/FA partner articulated, and my presence was *still* too much. What else was I supposed to do? What could anyone do? It's hard not to read back through everything I described above and just feel toyed with. How can you love someone immensely, as my partner loved me, and also just not want to be around them? And also make the relationship's success rest entirely on the non-avoidant's shoulders? Sorry for the word vomit– I just feel like my head is spinning.
I'm 27F and I tend towards anxious-preoccupied attachment, but I made progress towards secure attachment during my most recent relationship of four years with a DA/FA partner (27M). Learning about my partner's needs for distance and solitude actually helped me with my anxious tendencies in some really healthy ways. He did not, however, evolve in a similar way, and I'm now left completely baffled by how things went so wrong and wondering what the hell he wanted/wants....
During our first two years together, he suppressed his desire for distance and tried to "play the part" he thought he was supposed to– texting and calling daily, setting aside weekends for me, etc. My anxious personality ate this up. I loved the closeness and thought he did too. I had no idea that the established dynamic pained him so terribly until he began lashing out: I was "high maintenance, inconsiderate, overbearing, dependent," etc. Everything I did was wrong and grounds for critique. We lacked the emotional intelligence to calmly talk about our differing needs, and so we fell into a rut of feeling put-upon (him) and unduly criticized (me). After two years together, he broke up with me suddenly, without a conversation. I was blindsided. He "couldn't envision a future in which we were both happy."
For two no-contact weeks, I did some intense introspection and decided to take 100% responsibility for my anxious attachment and the toll it took on our relationship. I proposed a few more months of no contact during which I would continue to examine my tendencies and aim to evolve– I gently suggested that he do the same, but tried to keep the focus on myself and what I could change. He agreed, we spent a few months apart, I reached out eventually, and we got back together. He told me at that point that he had actually wanted to get back together immediately during that conversation two weeks post-breakup because he was so encouraged by my willingness to better understand him. We were both so happy.
When we first reunited he was, in his words, "all in," but it quickly became clear that the success of our relationship was predicated on my ability to respond to his needs. Everything came to feel like a test of my flexibility. I tried to make sure he felt comfortable articulating his boundaries and taking his space which led to weekdays and nights spent separately, infrequent texting, few (if any) phone calls, etc. Like I said earlier, this actually helped me relinquish some of my anxious tendencies and become more secure (I came to really appreciate having time for my own interests, activities, and friendships) but I felt as though if I did want or need to call him or spend time with him during the week, I was a burden and he felt like I ought to know better than to intrude. Whenever he would call me during the week, come over on a weeknight, watch a movie or do an activity that was more so "my thing" than his, or basically cede any of his time to me, we'd jokingly make a fuss like it was the absolute most thoughtful thing in the entire world– these were gestures I wouldn't think twice about and would genuinely enjoy doing for him but were truly sacrificial for him. A similar dynamic played out sexually... any sexual encounter that took longer than planned (i.e. if I took a while to get off) became a source of resentment.
Even the weekends– our only time together– came to be too much. When I was at his place, he'd constantly ask me "What do you have planned for the day?" which he later told me was a distancing strategy to make sure I wasn't planning to interfere with what he wanted to do with his time. He told me once he'd purposely withhold physical affection to ensure that I wouldn't feel invited to get close to him and take him away from whatever he was doing (writing, reading, working out, etc.). But I listened to him and adjusted accordingly– I made sure I always brought work, reading, clothes to work out in whenever I came to his place so that we could have our own days.
The most routine disagreements or miscommunications became catastrophes that would lead to deadly serious conversations about compatibility– the subtle messaging in each of these conversations was that the fault lay with me and my shortcomings, and even if my partner could acknowledge that he played any sort of part in the issue he would float a breakup before ever suggesting that he had work to do on his end as well. One time, after reading a book called Conscious Loving, I suggested that we resolve a disagreement by talking through the role we'd both played in the issue. I was totally willing to take responsibility for my part, but until that point, my faults had been the only topic. He told me through gritted teeth that he would do it, but that my "manipulation" of the moment made him feel "physically sick." I know that DA/FAs are supposed to value "independence" in their partners, but my attempt to be assertive/open/collaborative in this situation was not appreciated.
The day before he broke up with me, we were getting ready to go to a BBQ at his friend's house. I could tell he wasn't really up to going so I suggested we stay back– he said, "I definitely don't want to go, but we need to because I feel like I don't know what to do when it's just the two of us here. I feel like I need to fill the time or we'll just be here together and I'll feel smothered. I just don't get the same thing that you get from our time together." This despite my conscientious, consistent, and honestly pretty successful efforts to make sure he feels totally free to do his thing and not worry about me. He said, "Just knowing you're here, even if your occupied, puts pressure on me to be attentive." I told him that I genuinely felt that if we spent any less time together, we wouldn't be together– it simply wouldn't be a partnership. He had nothing to say to this.
Despite what the previous description might suggest, our relationship was actually relatively happy and stable on the whole. Our spiritual, intellectual, social, and sexual connections were intense and gratifying. We come from similar families and look at the world the same way. We talked marriage and children and growing old together and it brought us such joy. He'd constantly tell me that he wanted to love me and make me happy for as long as I'd have him– that he wanted us to work. He knows that I know him better than he knows himself and love him wholly and unconditionally. Any change I desire in him would be for his benefit alone and I present straightforwardly, without manipulation. The morning of our breakup, we were planning a big trip and reflecting on how much we appreciate our love. Hours later, his heart "isn't in it," we "lack spark," and we'll "never be happy together."
tl;dr What do DA/FAs actually want from their partners? Do they want partners at all? It's hard for me to see how their traits and tendencies are at all conducive to sustaining long-term romantic connection. I (AP/SA) tried to be as flexible as I could possibly be and respond to every need and boundary my DA/FA partner articulated, and my presence was *still* too much. What else was I supposed to do? What could anyone do? It's hard not to read back through everything I described above and just feel toyed with. How can you love someone immensely, as my partner loved me, and also just not want to be around them? And also make the relationship's success rest entirely on the non-avoidant's shoulders? Sorry for the word vomit– I just feel like my head is spinning.
