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Post by triggercut92 on Jun 27, 2020 0:10:53 GMT
Hey everyone, I've been with my girlfriend now for a year, been going out since May 2019. Both 29 years old. As soon as we met it was great, life was so easy. We moved in together in September (was so normal) and things were great. Then as soon as the lockdown hit and she was home all day, that's when things changed. It wasn't an overnight change really, but it gradually built up until i felt totally trapped. The last week has been totally hell and i feel trapped, like suffocated, it's such a weird feeling. I go walks at night and she went back to work this week part time which helped a bit, but instead of feeling trapped, I started feeling anxious about her coming home. I'd start looking at the clock and thinking "3 more hours of alone time". I think this situation would have happened eventually, and being together constantly in the lockdown just expedited it.
She has a very very secure attachment. She's got 6 siblings. We're big communicators and We've both been in therapy before, really open, into meditating, all the good stuff really. I've done a counselling course as well which was massively helpful in understanding myself. I've talked her through every step of this as much as I can, trying to explain why it's happening, which helps a bit, but obviously doesn't really solve anything. I used to have 12 hours a day to myself. I worked from home, then my gf came home and we had 4 hours together, then when she went to sleep I'd stay up for another 4 hours. So before lockdown everything was great, this may have all been under the surface and I'm really glad it's came up because I need to deal with it at some point, but it's just since lockdown happened, which I know is a lot of strain for a relationship.
Growing up it was just me and my mum and she was totally uninterested in having a kid i think, so I'm an only child too which is a bit of a double whammy.
What's happening now has happened 4 times before now that I think back. I've broken up with every girl I've ever been with, and if I can remember correctly, it's all been due to the same thing. I end up feeling totally uninterested in them, wish they would stop speaking, and I literally feel a million miles away from them. My therapist advised me that I was probably coming into the reality phase of the relationships and I didn't really know what to do, which sounds pretty spot on. I always told myself these girls just eventually bored me, which they did a little bit, but the honeymoon romantic ecstatic phase had ended and it was settling into something more secure, which is when I feel suffocated and eventually leave.
I feel because of my attachment style that I lack a lot of emotional maturity. I have a good awareness and congruence in how and why I feel things, but i have a zero maturity. Another thing is before I got with my gf, is I used to see quite a few girls and go on lots of dates. I work from home so all my time is my own. One thing I really got from seeing girls was validation, acceptance and a sense of worth. I feel I lack self worth sometimes, so when girls used to find me attractive or find me funny, I used to really get off on it. Being in a relationship is much different and I don't really get that as much. And now my mind really is wondering, and it just appears out of nowhere. I'd rather not be thinking of this stuff too, but everything else apart from your current situation seem so easy and simple. Deep down I know it's not going to make me feel any more at peace in the long run, but my mind is trying to play tricks on me
So onto now and my current girlfriend. This girl is 9/10 for everything. Personality, understanding, empathy, beauty. She really is excellent. I'm fully sure now that my soul mate could come along, like the perfect person for me, and this would eventually happen again. I realise I need to try and fix me rather than keeping changing partners. I'm not massive on people as it is, so to do this all over again and try and find a girl as good as mine would be borderline impossible. I'm trying to fix my attachment style at the moment through mediation and revisualizing my childhood
I'm really sorry if I come off as a bit of an asshole or a prick here, I'm not. But I feel as if I'm spinning out of control and it's just how I feel at the moment
So has anyone gone through anything similar while in a relationship? Was it ever like "I can't do this anymore" but something changed or shifted?
How was your partner when this was happening? Is there anything they can do to make it easier? Any tips for getting space and setting boundaries? Any vids that could help?
Thanks very much
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Post by amber on Jun 28, 2020 1:35:48 GMT
Wow. You have great insight. Not many avoidants here, so the fact that you are even here and willing to take a deeper look within is commendable. You’re on the right track...therapy is great; does you’re therapist know about attachment styles?that is critical in working towards healing attachment problems. Your issue with your girlfriend sounds like your avoidant attachment kicking in...from what I understand about avoidant attachment, when too much closeness occurs in a r/ship you “turn off” your attachment system which was a defence mechanism you leaned as a child, and fits the description you gave of having an uninterested mother. If your mother did not attach well to you due to lack of love and care, the way you survived this was to disconnect from your feelings and emotions and sort of “pretend” that connection is not important. Of course all of this is done unconsciously as a child but gets replayed out in romantic relationships. Ive been with men that are like you... it’s good to hear what happens in your mind so you have helped me here too!
Have you read any of Stan tatkins stuff or Kathy Kain? They have excellent reading on attachment issues. Stan tatkins article titled “addiction to alone time” has amazing insight into the biology of why avoidant attachment occurs. Of course understanding this on an intellectual level will only take you so far, your reactions to your girlfriend are automatic and at the level of the nervous system outside your conscious awareness. Ultimately to heal it/overcome it you’ll need to work on a level outside the mind/cognition. Lots of people here including myself have found help with somatic experiencing which is a type of therapy that works on the nervous system. Good luck!
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Post by amber on Jun 28, 2020 1:37:31 GMT
Hey everyone, I've been with my girlfriend now for a year, been going out since May 2019. Both 29 years old. As soon as we met it was great, life was so easy. We moved in together in September (was so normal) and things were great. Then as soon as the lockdown hit and she was home all day, that's when things changed. It wasn't an overnight change really, but it gradually built up until i felt totally trapped. The last week has been totally hell and i feel trapped, like suffocated, it's such a weird feeling. I go walks at night and she went back to work this week part time which helped a bit, but instead of feeling trapped, I started feeling anxious about her coming home. I'd start looking at the clock and thinking "3 more hours of alone time". I think this situation would have happened eventually, and being together constantly in the lockdown just expedited it. She has a very very secure attachment. She's got 6 siblings. We're big communicators and We've both been in therapy before, really open, into meditating, all the good stuff really. I've done a counselling course as well which was massively helpful in understanding myself. I've talked her through every step of this as much as I can, trying to explain why it's happening, which helps a bit, but obviously doesn't really solve anything. I used to have 12 hours a day to myself. I worked from home, then my gf came home and we had 4 hours together, then when she went to sleep I'd stay up for another 4 hours. So before lockdown everything was great, this may have all been under the surface and I'm really glad it's came up because I need to deal with it at some point, but it's just since lockdown happened, which I know is a lot of strain for a relationship. Growing up it was just me and my mum and she was totally uninterested in having a kid i think, so I'm an only child too which is a bit of a double whammy. What's happening now has happened 4 times before now that I think back. I've broken up with every girl I've ever been with, and if I can remember correctly, it's all been due to the same thing. I end up feeling totally uninterested in them, wish they would stop speaking, and I literally feel a million miles away from them. My therapist advised me that I was probably coming into the reality phase of the relationships and I didn't really know what to do, which sounds pretty spot on. I always told myself these girls just eventually bored me, which they did a little bit, but the honeymoon romantic ecstatic phase had ended and it was settling into something more secure, which is when I feel suffocated and eventually leave. I feel because of my attachment style that I lack a lot of emotional maturity. I have a good awareness and congruence in how and why I feel things, but i have a zero maturity. Another thing is before I got with my gf, is I used to see quite a few girls and go on lots of dates. I work from home so all my time is my own. One thing I really got from seeing girls was validation, acceptance and a sense of worth. I feel I lack self worth sometimes, so when girls used to find me attractive or find me funny, I used to really get off on it. Being in a relationship is much different and I don't really get that as much. And now my mind really is wondering, and it just appears out of nowhere. I'd rather not be thinking of this stuff too, but everything else apart from your current situation seem so easy and simple. Deep down I know it's not going to make me feel any more at peace in the long run, but my mind is trying to play tricks on me So onto now and my current girlfriend. This girl is 9/10 for everything. Personality, understanding, empathy, beauty. She really is excellent. I'm fully sure now that my soul mate could come along, like the perfect person for me, and this would eventually happen again. I realise I need to try and fix me rather than keeping changing partners. I'm not massive on people as it is, so to do this all over again and try and find a girl as good as mine would be borderline impossible. I'm trying to fix my attachment style at the moment through mediation and revisualizing my childhood I'm really sorry if I come off as a bit of an asshole or a prick here, I'm not. But I feel as if I'm spinning out of control and it's just how I feel at the moment So has anyone gone through anything similar while in a relationship? Was it ever like "I can't do this anymore" but something changed or shifted? How was your partner when this was happening? Is there anything they can do to make it easier? Any tips for getting space and setting boundaries? Any vids that could help? Thanks very much This is one of the better articles ie read on avoidant attachment if you’re interested www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-1-dependence-dilemma-0201184/amp/ |
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Post by triggercut92 on Jun 28, 2020 15:00:20 GMT
Wow. You have great insight. Not many avoidants here, so the fact that you are even here and willing to take a deeper look within is commendable. You’re on the right track...therapy is great; does you’re therapist know about attachment styles?that is critical in working towards healing attachment problems. Your issue with your girlfriend sounds like your avoidant attachment kicking in...from what I understand about avoidant attachment, when too much closeness occurs in a r/ship you “turn off” your attachment system which was a defence mechanism you leaned as a child, and fits the description you gave of having an uninterested mother. If your mother did not attach well to you due to lack of love and care, the way you survived this was to disconnect from your feelings and emotions and sort of “pretend” that connection is not important. Of course all of this is done unconsciously as a child but gets replayed out in romantic relationships. Ive been with men that are like you... it’s good to hear what happens in your mind so you have helped me here too! Have you read any of Stan tatkins stuff or Kathy Kain? They have excellent reading on attachment issues. Stan tatkins article titled “addiction to alone time” has amazing insight into the biology of why avoidant attachment occurs. Of course understanding this on an intellectual level will only take you so far, your reactions to your girlfriend are automatic and at the level of the nervous system outside your conscious awareness. Ultimately to heal it/overcome it you’ll need to work on a level outside the mind/cognition. Lots of people here including myself have found help with somatic experiencing which is a type of therapy that works on the nervous system. Good luck! Thanks so much for the three pieces on info. I've never heard of any of them so I'll look into it. The one tricky thing I'm going through is I know, on an intellectual and knowledge side, exactly what's happening and why. I just need to try and feel these things too, which to be fair I can. But when you're right in it, it can be tough. I've never got this far though, so I'm hopeful Yeah my therapist knows about attachment styles. I've just started working with this new therapist due to one of her specialities is working with only children. You say you've been with men that are like me. When you were, did they ever break out of this avoidant attachment in to a more secure attachment? Or did you have to kind of just manage expectations? Could you tell me a little bit about your experience with somatic experiencing? Did it change your style? or was it more of an understanding? Thanks very much for replying |
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Post by mrob on Jun 28, 2020 15:11:45 GMT
Search on my early posts and you’ll see the full FA experience, from when I was at a point similar to you, by the sounds of it. It’s certainly not a “how to”, more for your identification.
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Post by annieb on Jun 28, 2020 15:51:07 GMT
I am FA and until I learned how to self validate and self soothe, I couldn’t even begin to be in a healthy relationship. It’s really difficult to spot what you’re doing when you are in the middle of the deactivation phase or even if you’re in the anxious attachment/ seeking validation mindset. That’s what this is such a terrible thing to work through. And it’s great that you can recognize it.
For me, when I tended to my own self esteem with therapy and with personal work with whatever I could find online, things improved for me in regards to relationships. Once you stop seeking validation in a partner, you start seeing relationships differently, and you do not need them to validate you.
Often when I start getting anxious and my self esteem is dipping, I google the article called 42 ways of improving myself, and as I do the things in it one by one I feel my self esteem rising.
The hard part - your current girlfriend may or may not be right for you. She may have her own issues that work in tandem with your issues. What you’re about to undergo will change your entire world. Working on self validation, establishing boundaries, etc, will attract different people. It will change how you view others. It may improve your relationship or it may end it. But for better or for worse, anything you do from this point on will be more empowering than anything you blindly followed based on your attachment style.
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Post by amber on Jun 29, 2020 4:11:53 GMT
Wow. You have great insight. Not many avoidants here, so the fact that you are even here and willing to take a deeper look within is commendable. You’re on the right track...therapy is great; does you’re therapist know about attachment styles?that is critical in working towards healing attachment problems. Your issue with your girlfriend sounds like your avoidant attachment kicking in...from what I understand about avoidant attachment, when too much closeness occurs in a r/ship you “turn off” your attachment system which was a defence mechanism you leaned as a child, and fits the description you gave of having an uninterested mother. If your mother did not attach well to you due to lack of love and care, the way you survived this was to disconnect from your feelings and emotions and sort of “pretend” that connection is not important. Of course all of this is done unconsciously as a child but gets replayed out in romantic relationships. Ive been with men that are like you... it’s good to hear what happens in your mind so you have helped me here too! Have you read any of Stan tatkins stuff or Kathy Kain? They have excellent reading on attachment issues. Stan tatkins article titled “addiction to alone time” has amazing insight into the biology of why avoidant attachment occurs. Of course understanding this on an intellectual level will only take you so far, your reactions to your girlfriend are automatic and at the level of the nervous system outside your conscious awareness. Ultimately to heal it/overcome it you’ll need to work on a level outside the mind/cognition. Lots of people here including myself have found help with somatic experiencing which is a type of therapy that works on the nervous system. Good luck! Thanks so much for the three pieces on info. I've never heard of any of them so I'll look into it. The one tricky thing I'm going through is I know, on an intellectual and knowledge side, exactly what's happening and why. I just need to try and feel these things too, which to be fair I can. But when you're right in it, it can be tough. I've never got this far though, so I'm hopeful Yeah my therapist knows about attachment styles. I've just started working with this new therapist due to one of her specialities is working with only children. You say you've been with men that are like me. When you were, did they ever break out of this avoidant attachment in to a more secure attachment? Or did you have to kind of just manage expectations? Could you tell me a little bit about your experience with somatic experiencing? Did it change your style? or was it more of an understanding? Thanks very much for replying no worries. basically what is happening to you when you get triggered by your partner on a very biological level is you are going into nervous system dysregulation. the number one most important thing for humans is SURVIVAL, which means being SAFE. if as a child you were not safe because you did not have the parenting that provided that, your nervous system develops and gets stuck in fight/flight/freeze. you can become permanently stuck in one of these states or oscillate between some or all of them. this is what i have learned from somatic experiencing. what happens when you grow up with trauma (and neglect like you describe from your mother is a form of chronic trauma) is that you are constantly on the lookout for threat. the primal part of your brain is activated and it overrides the rational part of the brain. because you are always on the lookout for danger and threat (you wont necessarily be aware you are doing this because it will probably feel so normal to you); you have whats called a small 'window of tolerance". this means your nervous system does not cope well with a lot of stress or stimuli. as a child you learned to what stan tatkin calls " auto regulate". meaning you had to rely only on yourself to regulate your nervous system. this is actually the parents job to do this but if your parent is unavailable for whatever reason and unable to meet your physical and emotional needs, you can develop an avoidant attachment style where you dont learn to whats called "co-regulate". this is where two healthy nervous systems relate to one another. if you never learned this as a child you wont know how to do this in intimate r/ships as an adult. so my take on why you feel irritated or triggered when you know your girlfriend is about to come home is your nervous system doesnt know how to regulate itself when there is another person involved. you most likely go into the freeze part of the nerovus system which is called dorsal vagal and shut down. as this is not a state we were biologically designed to be in for long (except for when we are in severe danger) it doesnt feel nice and you want to escape. somatic experiencing teaches you skills to regulate your nervous system and come out of fight/flight/freeze mode. they are basic skills such as orienting to your environment; ie sitting in a chair and turning your head slowly from side to side and using your senses to see and smell/hear what is in the room. these tools are used as a way to show the body that you are safe. we are all innately designed to be in a healthy part of the nervous system. its something you were born with and a state you can access but you do have to be intentional about it to recover that part of your biology. and you cant do it with your intellect. it must be at the body/nervous system level. if youre interested i recommend finding a pracitioner who you can work with, there are many all over the globe. my ex partners did not try to change their attachment styles. with my long term ex we didnt know about attachement styyles. he was DA and me AP so we had a lot of trouble and conflict. with my recent ex FA i began learning about attachment styles and did show him some reading on it. he agreed he was an avoidant but didnt take it any further in terms of therapy and we broke up. just another thing to add; sounds like you moved in with your new partner fairly early in the relationship. i personally think this can be a recipe for nervous system overwhelm, especially as you would have been likely in honeymood period before you moved in and may have been thrown quickly out of that when you moved in together. this can be hard , especially for FA as they want to be in honeymoon period forever and struggle when things get real and they start seeing their partners flaws. just something to consider. |
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Post by serenity on Jun 29, 2020 7:44:30 GMT
Hey everyone, I've been with my girlfriend now for a year, been going out since May 2019. Both 29 years old. As soon as we met it was great, life was so easy. We moved in together in September (was so normal) and things were great. Then as soon as the lockdown hit and she was home all day, that's when things changed. It wasn't an overnight change really, but it gradually built up until i felt totally trapped. The last week has been totally hell and i feel trapped, like suffocated, it's such a weird feeling. I go walks at night and she went back to work this week part time which helped a bit, but instead of feeling trapped, I started feeling anxious about her coming home. I'd start looking at the clock and thinking "3 more hours of alone time". I think this situation would have happened eventually, and being together constantly in the lockdown just expedited it. She has a very very secure attachment. She's got 6 siblings. We're big communicators and We've both been in therapy before, really open, into meditating, all the good stuff really. I've done a counselling course as well which was massively helpful in understanding myself. I've talked her through every step of this as much as I can, trying to explain why it's happening, which helps a bit, but obviously doesn't really solve anything. I used to have 12 hours a day to myself. I worked from home, then my gf came home and we had 4 hours together, then when she went to sleep I'd stay up for another 4 hours. So before lockdown everything was great, this may have all been under the surface and I'm really glad it's came up because I need to deal with it at some point, but it's just since lockdown happened, which I know is a lot of strain for a relationship. Growing up it was just me and my mum and she was totally uninterested in having a kid i think, so I'm an only child too which is a bit of a double whammy. What's happening now has happened 4 times before now that I think back. I've broken up with every girl I've ever been with, and if I can remember correctly, it's all been due to the same thing. I end up feeling totally uninterested in them, wish they would stop speaking, and I literally feel a million miles away from them. My therapist advised me that I was probably coming into the reality phase of the relationships and I didn't really know what to do, which sounds pretty spot on. I always told myself these girls just eventually bored me, which they did a little bit, but the honeymoon romantic ecstatic phase had ended and it was settling into something more secure, which is when I feel suffocated and eventually leave. I feel because of my attachment style that I lack a lot of emotional maturity. I have a good awareness and congruence in how and why I feel things, but i have a zero maturity. Another thing is before I got with my gf, is I used to see quite a few girls and go on lots of dates. I work from home so all my time is my own. One thing I really got from seeing girls was validation, acceptance and a sense of worth. I feel I lack self worth sometimes, so when girls used to find me attractive or find me funny, I used to really get off on it. Being in a relationship is much different and I don't really get that as much. And now my mind really is wondering, and it just appears out of nowhere. I'd rather not be thinking of this stuff too, but everything else apart from your current situation seem so easy and simple. Deep down I know it's not going to make me feel any more at peace in the long run, but my mind is trying to play tricks on me So onto now and my current girlfriend. This girl is 9/10 for everything. Personality, understanding, empathy, beauty. She really is excellent. I'm fully sure now that my soul mate could come along, like the perfect person for me, and this would eventually happen again. I realise I need to try and fix me rather than keeping changing partners. I'm not massive on people as it is, so to do this all over again and try and find a girl as good as mine would be borderline impossible. I'm trying to fix my attachment style at the moment through mediation and revisualizing my childhood I'm really sorry if I come off as a bit of an asshole or a prick here, I'm not. But I feel as if I'm spinning out of control and it's just how I feel at the moment So has anyone gone through anything similar while in a relationship? Was it ever like "I can't do this anymore" but something changed or shifted? How was your partner when this was happening? Is there anything they can do to make it easier? Any tips for getting space and setting boundaries? Any vids that could help? Thanks very much Hi triggercut92, Can you tell us a little bit more about what happens when your girlfriend comes home from work? Is she someone who wants a lot of attention when she comes home, or is just her presence in the house triggering you? Does anything make it feel better? If you're in a habit of dropping everything and feeling obligated to give her a lot of attention when she comes home from work, its perfectly reasonable to work on changing that. I can assure you that coming home from work to a partner is a common teething struggle for many couples. Some people struggle with saying they don't want to talk to anyone and just want to be alone for a few hours. Some people can only manage light connection during week days...stuff like sharing a meal or watching a show together. Whatever it is you need personally, its okay to need it. The key to getting your needs met is usually an understanding partner, workable compromise, and good communication. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 29, 2020 8:12:50 GMT
That Stan Tatkin stuff is horrible and disturbing, but accurate in my case. There’s whole gaps that I’m coming to realise that I just don’t remember.... and that I’ve passed on to my own daughter. Thank God for her secure mother.
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Post by triggercut92 on Jun 29, 2020 23:40:33 GMT
Thanks so much for the three pieces on info. I've never heard of any of them so I'll look into it. The one tricky thing I'm going through is I know, on an intellectual and knowledge side, exactly what's happening and why. I just need to try and feel these things too, which to be fair I can. But when you're right in it, it can be tough. I've never got this far though, so I'm hopeful Yeah my therapist knows about attachment styles. I've just started working with this new therapist due to one of her specialities is working with only children. You say you've been with men that are like me. When you were, did they ever break out of this avoidant attachment in to a more secure attachment? Or did you have to kind of just manage expectations? Could you tell me a little bit about your experience with somatic experiencing? Did it change your style? or was it more of an understanding? Thanks very much for replying no worries. basically what is happening to you when you get triggered by your partner on a very biological level is you are going into nervous system dysregulation. the number one most important thing for humans is SURVIVAL, which means being SAFE. if as a child you were not safe because you did not have the parenting that provided that, your nervous system develops and gets stuck in fight/flight/freeze. you can become permanently stuck in one of these states or oscillate between some or all of them. this is what i have learned from somatic experiencing. what happens when you grow up with trauma (and neglect like you describe from your mother is a form of chronic trauma) is that you are constantly on the lookout for threat. the primal part of your brain is activated and it overrides the rational part of the brain. because you are always on the lookout for danger and threat (you wont necessarily be aware you are doing this because it will probably feel so normal to you); you have whats called a small 'window of tolerance". this means your nervous system does not cope well with a lot of stress or stimuli. as a child you learned to what stan tatkin calls " auto regulate". meaning you had to rely only on yourself to regulate your nervous system. this is actually the parents job to do this but if your parent is unavailable for whatever reason and unable to meet your physical and emotional needs, you can develop an avoidant attachment style where you dont learn to whats called "co-regulate". this is where two healthy nervous systems relate to one another. if you never learned this as a child you wont know how to do this in intimate r/ships as an adult. so my take on why you feel irritated or triggered when you know your girlfriend is about to come home is your nervous system doesnt know how to regulate itself when there is another person involved. you most likely go into the freeze part of the nerovus system which is called dorsal vagal and shut down. as this is not a state we were biologically designed to be in for long (except for when we are in severe danger) it doesnt feel nice and you want to escape. somatic experiencing teaches you skills to regulate your nervous system and come out of fight/flight/freeze mode. they are basic skills such as orienting to your environment; ie sitting in a chair and turning your head slowly from side to side and using your senses to see and smell/hear what is in the room. these tools are used as a way to show the body that you are safe. we are all innately designed to be in a healthy part of the nervous system. its something you were born with and a state you can access but you do have to be intentional about it to recover that part of your biology. and you cant do it with your intellect. it must be at the body/nervous system level. if youre interested i recommend finding a pracitioner who you can work with, there are many all over the globe. my ex partners did not try to change their attachment styles. with my long term ex we didnt know about attachement styyles. he was DA and me AP so we had a lot of trouble and conflict. with my recent ex FA i began learning about attachment styles and did show him some reading on it. he agreed he was an avoidant but didnt take it any further in terms of therapy and we broke up. just another thing to add; sounds like you moved in with your new partner fairly early in the relationship. i personally think this can be a recipe for nervous system overwhelm, especially as you would have been likely in honeymood period before you moved in and may have been thrown quickly out of that when you moved in together. this can be hard , especially for FA as they want to be in honeymoon period forever and struggle when things get real and they start seeing their partners flaws. just something to consider. Thank you so much. This is been more help than probably years of therapy for me. I emailed a Somatic Experience person so just waiting on a reply. There's something hilarious about it being called the window of tolerance too |
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Post by triggercut92 on Jun 30, 2020 0:00:18 GMT
That Stan Tatkin stuff is horrible and disturbing, but accurate in my case. There’s whole gaps that I’m coming to realise that I just don’t remember.... and that I’ve passed on to my own daughter. Thank God for her secure mother. I'm reading his addiction to alone time essay, and when he says we were "Neglected" it hits quite hard. Triggers a bit of rejection straight away. Any on his stuff you'd recommend? |
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Post by mrob on Jun 30, 2020 0:37:52 GMT
I’ve only just started reading his stuff. It’s been too much for me until now.
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Post by amber on Jun 30, 2020 1:13:44 GMT
That Stan Tatkin stuff is horrible and disturbing, but accurate in my case. There’s whole gaps that I’m coming to realise that I just don’t remember.... and that I’ve passed on to my own daughter. Thank God for her secure mother. I'm reading his addiction to alone time essay, and when he says we were "Neglected" it hits quite hard. Triggers a bit of rejection straight away. Any on his stuff you'd recommend? You can google him. He’s written some books and other articles. |
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Post by amber on Jul 1, 2020 3:18:02 GMT
One thing I have learned through this journey of regulating myself better an working on my attachment style is to have self compassion. The reactions you are having with your partner are actually outside of your control. Your biology is at play here and is governed by the autonomic nervous system which is automatic and self protective/self preserving. This is why to change it you have to be intentional about it. But also don’t beat yourself up. It developed as a way to help you survive an incredibly painful Childhood and it was the only choice you had at the time. Now as an adult you have different choices you can make. One thing I have been doing lately that I learned from Kathy Kain who wrote the book “nurturing resilience” which is about somatic experiencing and attachment, is an exercise that down regulates the fight/flight part of the nervous system. It actually is highly effective despite seeming very simple. You lie on the ground and get two wheat bags that have been heated and put them under your kidneys. You focus just on the sensation of the heat on your kidney area. What this does is it calms the adrenal glands that sit on top of the kidneys and helps you come out of dysregulation. Try this when you are heightened emotionally or triggered with your partner. Just even for ten-fifteen minutes. |
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Post by triggercut92 on Jul 3, 2020 12:36:29 GMT
One thing I have learned through this journey of regulating myself better an working on my attachment style is to have self compassion. The reactions you are having with your partner are actually outside of your control. Your biology is at play here and is governed by the autonomic nervous system which is automatic and self protective/self preserving. This is why to change it you have to be intentional about it. But also don’t beat yourself up. It developed as a way to help you survive an incredibly painful Childhood and it was the only choice you had at the time. Now as an adult you have different choices you can make. One thing I have been doing lately that I learned from Kathy Kain who wrote the book “nurturing resilience” which is about somatic experiencing and attachment, is an exercise that down regulates the fight/flight part of the nervous system. It actually is highly effective despite seeming very simple. You lie on the ground and get two wheat bags that have been heated and put them under your kidneys. You focus just on the sensation of the heat on your kidney area. What this does is it calms the adrenal glands that sit on top of the kidneys and helps you come out of dysregulation. Try this when you are heightened emotionally or triggered with your partner. Just even for ten-fifteen minutes. Thanks so much. I just ordered the book. My therapist actually has been telling me about self compassion quite a bit. I've been reading so much avoidant attachment stuff and it's been hitting me intellectually, but not emotionally. It all came out a couple nights ago in the form of a panic attack. I'm now realising how important the self compassion stuff is, so thanks very much for the advice on dysregulation |
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