|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 10:23:35 GMT
I've been dating my FA partner for a year and half now with the last half of our relationship being us trying to work through this disconnect. At one point they ended things which led to them texting me every day for 5 days about how depressed they were and dont understand why they cant get passed this disconnect when they love me so much. They went on to talk about how its causing a huge amount of stress not knowing what to do to reconnect and how they dont want to be without me. Eventually they showed up at my door and said they didnt want to be apart and all that mattered was that they were seen, loved and heard and I gave them all of that.
Things were alright for a few weeks until i began noticing the deactivation again. I brought it up in a non-confrontational way and they acknowledged what I had said and then would change for a few days only to consistently cycle the deactivation back in. I suggested we attempt to try and go through the 7 conversations from the EFT book hold me tight. I had read a lot on the effects of EFT and how it can help reconnection. We got through the first conversation and it was very productive, they stated that they felt more connected to me emotionally but there was still a physical block in the way because any time we've tried to be intimate they freeze up. We havent had sex in almost 6 months now. I was excited to move on to conversation 2 and suggested a time for us to review it, I assumed given that they felt that the first conversation was effective they would want to continue. I was met with resistance and them stating they couldnt figure out if they were doing the EFT for themselves or because I asked them to. I'm confused as to why they would state multiple times they want change and reconnection and then fight so hard against doing the conversations, especially when they've seen the positive effect.
They stated they feel a lot of responsibility for our relationship going down this path, that if they followed my steps we wouldnt be stuck here but they cant seem to get out of the guilt of it to proceed forward. The guilt and stress of whether theyre wasting my time or that this might not work causes them to feel mentally exhausted and trying to do any emotion focused therapy then feels like a chore or something theyre only doing for me. With that said they dont know how to get out of that guilt.
Basically I dont really know what to do anymore in this situation. After that first conversation we had reconnected quite a bit and i could see them being more emotionally vulnerable with me (initiating cuddling, openly saying they felt more connected, invited me to goto their home city for a week to visit family) but then when i brought up continuing they began deactivating again and pushing me away. I decided to leave it be and hope they'll want to do the rest of EFT and bring it up on their own but so far its been left in the dust for a few weeks. Outside of these moments of deactivating we get along well and are each others best friends, theres no hesitation with cuddling anymore, they've playfully flirted with touch but as soon as i attempt to initiate sex they shut down. They've stated that it feels like theres a lack of passion or spark and they feel numb. I attempted to just be myself and initiate intimacy when I feel its right to normalize the intimacy since we've been so disconnected from it. But each time they shut down when I begin kissing them intimately.
Essentially I am stuck at things were getting better, now they've stalled/gone backwards at times, I have hope but then I feel I lose it everytime they deactivate, I know EFT would help us but I feel that resistance to do it on their part so...now what.
|
|
|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 10:28:46 GMT
In regards to myself, I am also FA but I've done quite a bit of self reflection and have been able to shift back to secure again. This happened mostly through being able to understand their behaviour and that it isnt intentional, addressing my moments of anxiety and pull away and being more present in my body VS my over analytical brain.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 27, 2020 12:19:59 GMT
I've been dating my FA partner for a year and half now with the last half of our relationship being us trying to work through this disconnect. At one point they ended things which led to them texting me every day for 5 days about how depressed they were and dont understand why they cant get passed this disconnect when they love me so much. They went on to talk about how its causing a huge amount of stress not knowing what to do to reconnect and how they dont want to be without me. Eventually they showed up at my door and said they didnt want to be apart and all that mattered was that they were seen, loved and heard and I gave them all of that. Things were alright for a few weeks until i began noticing the deactivation again. I brought it up in a non-confrontational way and they acknowledged what I had said and then would change for a few days only to consistently cycle the deactivation back in. I suggested we attempt to try and go through the 7 conversations from the EFT book hold me tight. I had read a lot on the effects of EFT and how it can help reconnection. We got through the first conversation and it was very productive, they stated that they felt more connected to me emotionally but there was still a physical block in the way because any time we've tried to be intimate they freeze up. We havent had sex in almost 6 months now. I was excited to move on to conversation 2 and suggested a time for us to review it, I assumed given that they felt that the first conversation was effective they would want to continue. I was met with resistance and them stating they couldnt figure out if they were doing the EFT for themselves or because I asked them to. I'm confused as to why they would state multiple times they want change and reconnection and then fight so hard against doing the conversations, especially when they've seen the positive effect. They stated they feel a lot of responsibility for our relationship going down this path, that if they followed my steps we wouldnt be stuck here but they cant seem to get out of the guilt of it to proceed forward. The guilt and stress of whether theyre wasting my time or that this might not work causes them to feel mentally exhausted and trying to do any emotion focused therapy then feels like a chore or something theyre only doing for me. With that said they dont know how to get out of that guilt. Basically I dont really know what to do anymore in this situation. After that first conversation we had reconnected quite a bit and i could see them being more emotionally vulnerable with me (initiating cuddling, openly saying they felt more connected, invited me to goto their home city for a week to visit family) but then when i brought up continuing they began deactivating again and pushing me away. I decided to leave it be and hope they'll want to do the rest of EFT and bring it up on their own but so far its been left in the dust for a few weeks. Outside of these moments of deactivating we get along well and are each others best friends, theres no hesitation with cuddling anymore, they've playfully flirted with touch but as soon as i attempt to initiate sex they shut down. They've stated that it feels like theres a lack of passion or spark and they feel numb. I attempted to just be myself and initiate intimacy when I feel its right to normalize the intimacy since we've been so disconnected from it. But each time they shut down when I begin kissing them intimately. Essentially I am stuck at things were getting better, now they've stalled/gone backwards at times, I have hope but then I feel I lose it everytime they deactivate, I know EFT would help us but I feel that resistance to do it on their part so...now what. Hi there....I completely understand where your partner is coming from. Although you see value in these sessions...your partner (I don’t know if your partner is male or female since you used the “they” and “them”) is rightfully stating that he/she isn’t sure about whether he/she wants to do the sessions because of his/her individual choice or whether he/her is doing it only to please you. If it is the second, then there will end up being more resistance and even resentment. As much as you would like to see additional improvement in the relationship, both of you have to want it. It appears to me that your partner is aware that he/she is letting you down which is why he/she is talking about feeling guilty....but at the same time, it sounds as if he/she is trying to convey that he/she is not in a space at the moment to move forward (thus the statements regarding feeling numb, losing the spark). Honestly, I would take your partner at his/her word....and if you cannot accept your partner as he/she is...then it may be time to end things. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Jun 27, 2020 12:43:26 GMT
My goodness, I could see myself there. Especially the part where he is so triggered but is trying so hard to push through, only to have his attachment give him a big, dirty subconscious kick. God, this stuff is hard.
I wish I had effective advice for you, but I don’t. While he’s still showing up, there’s a chance, but don’t let yourself get too messed around.
|
|
|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 13:10:32 GMT
My goodness, I could see myself there. Especially the part where he is so triggered but is trying so hard to push through, only to have his attachment give him a big, dirty subconscious kick. God, this stuff is hard. I wish I had effective advice for you, but I don’t. While he’s still showing up, there’s a chance, but don’t let yourself get too messed around. I think my confusion in it is that they have stated they want to do the therapy because they know it's the only thing we can do or we stay in the same place, and that they also dont like the disconnect we have between us. Therefore I'm confused why this is such a struggle currently/they arent wanting to do it and flip flop all the time. It's confusing to me because this disconnect causes them a lot of stress as well, they had gotten a therapist to discuss how to move forward with their guilt but the therapist told them to stop holding on to something that clearly isnt working....so then they stopped seeing that therapist because they wanted help rather than someone telling them to move on. I think they want to try and they want to move forward with things, the only part that i can see for myself to do is to be supportive and less disappointed with things as the disappointment appears to be a trigger in this ( they see my disappointed or hurt face, they distance/feel guilty). Its difficult to let go when I can see the progress we have made these few months, but its also so discouraging to see the patterns and know that this person once trusted me and was suffocating me with affection and love...now only does it so often. |
|
|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 13:15:01 GMT
I've been dating my FA partner for a year and half now with the last half of our relationship being us trying to work through this disconnect. At one point they ended things which led to them texting me every day for 5 days about how depressed they were and dont understand why they cant get passed this disconnect when they love me so much. They went on to talk about how its causing a huge amount of stress not knowing what to do to reconnect and how they dont want to be without me. Eventually they showed up at my door and said they didnt want to be apart and all that mattered was that they were seen, loved and heard and I gave them all of that. Things were alright for a few weeks until i began noticing the deactivation again. I brought it up in a non-confrontational way and they acknowledged what I had said and then would change for a few days only to consistently cycle the deactivation back in. I suggested we attempt to try and go through the 7 conversations from the EFT book hold me tight. I had read a lot on the effects of EFT and how it can help reconnection. We got through the first conversation and it was very productive, they stated that they felt more connected to me emotionally but there was still a physical block in the way because any time we've tried to be intimate they freeze up. We havent had sex in almost 6 months now. I was excited to move on to conversation 2 and suggested a time for us to review it, I assumed given that they felt that the first conversation was effective they would want to continue. I was met with resistance and them stating they couldnt figure out if they were doing the EFT for themselves or because I asked them to. I'm confused as to why they would state multiple times they want change and reconnection and then fight so hard against doing the conversations, especially when they've seen the positive effect. They stated they feel a lot of responsibility for our relationship going down this path, that if they followed my steps we wouldnt be stuck here but they cant seem to get out of the guilt of it to proceed forward. The guilt and stress of whether theyre wasting my time or that this might not work causes them to feel mentally exhausted and trying to do any emotion focused therapy then feels like a chore or something theyre only doing for me. With that said they dont know how to get out of that guilt. Basically I dont really know what to do anymore in this situation. After that first conversation we had reconnected quite a bit and i could see them being more emotionally vulnerable with me (initiating cuddling, openly saying they felt more connected, invited me to goto their home city for a week to visit family) but then when i brought up continuing they began deactivating again and pushing me away. I decided to leave it be and hope they'll want to do the rest of EFT and bring it up on their own but so far its been left in the dust for a few weeks. Outside of these moments of deactivating we get along well and are each others best friends, theres no hesitation with cuddling anymore, they've playfully flirted with touch but as soon as i attempt to initiate sex they shut down. They've stated that it feels like theres a lack of passion or spark and they feel numb. I attempted to just be myself and initiate intimacy when I feel its right to normalize the intimacy since we've been so disconnected from it. But each time they shut down when I begin kissing them intimately. Essentially I am stuck at things were getting better, now they've stalled/gone backwards at times, I have hope but then I feel I lose it everytime they deactivate, I know EFT would help us but I feel that resistance to do it on their part so...now what. Hi there....I completely understand where your partner is coming from. Although you see value in these sessions...your partner (I don’t know if your partner is male or female since you used the “they” and “them”) is rightfully stating that he/she isn’t sure about whether he/she wants to do the sessions because of his/her individual choice or whether he/her is doing it only to please you. If it is the second, then there will end up being more resistance and even resentment. As much as you would like to see additional improvement in the relationship, both of you have to want it. It appears to me that your partner is aware that he/she is letting you down which is why he/she is talking about feeling guilty....but at the same time, it sounds as if he/she is trying to convey that he/she is not in a space at the moment to move forward (thus the statements regarding feeling numb, losing the spark). Honestly, I would take your partner at his/her word....and if you cannot accept your partner as he/she is...then it may be time to end things. I completely understand the need for them to want to also do the therapy and it not only be my idea, it is confusing when they’ve stated multiple times they aren’t happy with the disconnect, they want to be with me because they love me and don’t want to lose me and see that therapy is helping, only to flip to not knowing if they should do it because they might be doing it for me. I’d understand if they were like “ this is who I am and this is a normal relationship with this disconnect” but they’ve stated that they’re also unhappy with the disconnect and want to fix it |
|
|
|
Post by triggercut92 on Jun 27, 2020 15:12:16 GMT
Are they an only child by any chance? I've got an FA that I just found out about recently, and one of the things that makes it a ton worse is being an only child. In my opinion, you have to go back to their childhood massively and find out exactly what went on.
One thing that's really helped me open up and come to terms with who i am is psychedelics. Totally shifted my emotions and perspective on lots of things. Could be worth a shot if they're willing to try it. It sounds like you're in limbo at the moment, so sorry about that
I will say for me personally that my mind changes about 10 times a day on what to do. I feel we wake up questioning our choices a lot of the time. I always feel I should be alone, and being in a relationship is fighting against that in a way. We all want secure attachment, but when we get it, we don't really know what to do with it. Secure people know this instinctively, it was taught to them before 20 months old. But for us, we've probably spent 20+ years in a constant conflict and cycle about who and why we are the way we are. One thing about FA, in my opinion, is we really want to change, but imagine everything you've achieved in your life is because of being FA, so why would you want to change it? For myself for instance, if I had a great childhood and both parents were there and I had a secure attachment, I know for a fact I wouldn't have got into stuff like LSD, meditation, trying to open my mind. I'd have just been a regular person, doing regular things. I wouldn't change anything looking back because it's really pushed me to think about things differently. Now, I really want to have a secure attachment, but letting go of FA is super tough, because deep down we want the best of both worlds. This is all just my own opinion, but hopefully that gives you a better understanding. I know you can read about it, and learn about it, but until you experience it, it is so so so difficult to put into words
|
|
|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 15:41:40 GMT
Are they an only child by any chance? I've got an FA that I just found out about recently, and one of the things that makes it a ton worse is being an only child. In my opinion, you have to go back to their childhood massively and find out exactly what went on. One thing that's really helped me open up and come to terms with who i am is psychedelics. Totally shifted my emotions and perspective on lots of things. Could be worth a shot if they're willing to try it. It sounds like you're in limbo at the moment, so sorry about that I will say for me personally that my mind changes about 10 times a day on what to do. I feel we wake up questioning our choices a lot of the time. I always feel I should be alone, and being in a relationship is fighting against that in a way. We all want secure attachment, but when we get it, we don't really know what to do with it. Secure people know this instinctively, it was taught to them before 20 months old. But for us, we've probably spent 20+ years in a constant conflict and cycle about who and why we are the way we are. One thing about FA, in my opinion, is we really want to change, but imagine everything you've achieved in your life is because of being FA, so why would you want to change it? For myself for instance, if I had a great childhood and both parents were there and I had a secure attachment, I know for a fact I wouldn't have got into stuff like LSD, meditation, trying to open my mind. I'd have just been a regular person, doing regular things. I wouldn't change anything looking back because it's really pushed me to think about things differently. Now, I really want to have a secure attachment, but letting go of FA is super tough, because deep down we want the best of both worlds. This is all just my own opinion, but hopefully that gives you a better understanding. I know you can read about it, and learn about it, but until you experience it, it is so so so difficult to put into words So they do do mushrooms and lsd every so often but I don’t think their mind focuses on us but rather other things since our situation causes a ton of stress. I have heard that lsd is great for opening up those parts of yourself and the last time they did lsd was recent and I actually noticed them distance more after... they didn’t mention their revelations or anything and I know better than to pry. I understand the comfort of your attachment style, as I mentioned I am also FA. But maybe their FA is stronger than mine because I’m able to also self reflect and recognize how my coping is hindering our connection, it was the reason I ended up working so hard on myself and growing to be more secure. We all turn to our attachment styles because we have comfort in that, but that comfort isn’t true comfort in a relationship because you’re essentially protecting yourself rather than connecting. Of course I can’t explain that to them because I’m the closest to the situation and I know myself enough in my FA that I’d question the hidden agenda to everything. I believe theyre constantly on edge with what my supportiveness and kindness means and what I want from the situation. Which is unfortunate given that I don’t have any agenda other than wanting to move forward just as they want. I’m hoping this weekend away will give us some time to just connect outside of mundane things we do. But also I don’t have any expectations on things and know better than to hope for things in our relationship currently. |
|
|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 15:46:32 GMT
Are they an only child by any chance? I've got an FA that I just found out about recently, and one of the things that makes it a ton worse is being an only child. In my opinion, you have to go back to their childhood massively and find out exactly what went on. One thing that's really helped me open up and come to terms with who i am is psychedelics. Totally shifted my emotions and perspective on lots of things. Could be worth a shot if they're willing to try it. It sounds like you're in limbo at the moment, so sorry about that I will say for me personally that my mind changes about 10 times a day on what to do. I feel we wake up questioning our choices a lot of the time. I always feel I should be alone, and being in a relationship is fighting against that in a way. We all want secure attachment, but when we get it, we don't really know what to do with it. Secure people know this instinctively, it was taught to them before 20 months old. But for us, we've probably spent 20+ years in a constant conflict and cycle about who and why we are the way we are. One thing about FA, in my opinion, is we really want to change, but imagine everything you've achieved in your life is because of being FA, so why would you want to change it? For myself for instance, if I had a great childhood and both parents were there and I had a secure attachment, I know for a fact I wouldn't have got into stuff like LSD, meditation, trying to open my mind. I'd have just been a regular person, doing regular things. I wouldn't change anything looking back because it's really pushed me to think about things differently. Now, I really want to have a secure attachment, but letting go of FA is super tough, because deep down we want the best of both worlds. This is all just my own opinion, but hopefully that gives you a better understanding. I know you can read about it, and learn about it, but until you experience it, it is so so so difficult to put into words They aren’t an only child but the first child to a neglectful narcissistic parent. They were raised in a chaotic household and therefore have never had consistency in their life regarding relationships. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 27, 2020 15:53:26 GMT
Hi there....I completely understand where your partner is coming from. Although you see value in these sessions...your partner (I don’t know if your partner is male or female since you used the “they” and “them”) is rightfully stating that he/she isn’t sure about whether he/she wants to do the sessions because of his/her individual choice or whether he/she is doing it only to please you. If it is the second, then there will end up being more resistance and even resentment. As much as you would like to see additional improvement in the relationship, both of you have to want it. It appears to me that your partner is aware that he/she is letting you down which is why he/she is talking about feeling guilty....but at the same time, it sounds as if he/she is trying to convey that he/she is not in a space at the moment to move forward (thus the statements regarding feeling numb, losing the spark). Honestly, I would take your partner at his/her word....and if you cannot accept your partner as he/she is...then it may be time to end things. I completely understand the need for them to want to also do the therapy and it not only be my idea, it is confusing when they’ve stated multiple times they aren’t happy with the disconnect, they want to be with me because they love me and don’t want to lose me and see that therapy is helping, only to flip to not knowing if they should do it because they might be doing it for me. I’d understand if they were like “ this is who I am and this is a normal relationship with this disconnect” but they’ve stated that they’re also unhappy with the disconnect and want to fix it But that is the the thing....depending on the level of consciousness and also what happened in his/her past...this could be the best you achieve for now...a desire to change and a fear of that change to who he/she is. Things really have to feel as if they are 100% his/her choice...if not...if there is the slightest thought that he/her is doing this to please you, then the resistance will likely kick in...like a subconscious “you don’t get to define me” reaction. I agree with mrob that at least this person is still showing up, but can you accept where he/her currently is? |
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Jun 27, 2020 17:03:14 GMT
I’d keep in mind that you can’t force the pace with an FA. Now maybe an EFT couples therapist could, but I doubt you could. So you want to work on x, Y and z today? Well guess what? You’re FA significant other wants to zone out for 3 hours instead. Now anything you say is value judging him, but it’s also the only spot he feels comfortable at the moment.
This is how it plays out for me. I’m the FA btw.
I find doing my own therapy is more helpful because it’s about me Not about the other person. And I don’t like to be forced to be vulnerable. It feels very unsafe.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 27, 2020 19:58:04 GMT
You need to decide what you want and what you're okay with. What's happening here is you're both in different places in your own process (it sounds like you are further ahead and more internally motivated, and your partner is saying they want change but their steps backwards each time and size of the walls they keep hitting shows you that actions and words aren't lining up and they're not truly quite ready yet). You can't do anything to influence where they are or at what speed, you can only work on your own journey. So if you then assume things may continue to be where they are indefinitely, ie seeing what's in front of you instead of seeing potential, are you comfortable with having a sex-less existence and continuing to have a disconnect if you don't converge to the same emotional place?
|
|
|
|
Post by dhali on Jun 27, 2020 21:19:19 GMT
Also, if you’re mature enough to have a dispassionate conversation about masturbation and porn, he has to pretty much stop this. Not to be too crass, but in order for someone like him to have an active sex 𝙇𝙞𝙛𝙚 (I’m similar), he has to be backed up- at least the testosterone. If he’s getting sexual dopamine elsewhere, you’ll forever be frozen out. Because that comes without intimacy, and it’s comfortable, and also fantasy. Most people attack the other person about this though, so it becomes a source of shame. Again though, this has to come from him, not you.
|
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Jun 27, 2020 21:28:07 GMT
The only advice I have for you is to focus on you. They can do whatever the have to do to make this work and you can either accept this relationship or let it go. And by accepting I mean they have to take initiative in their own healing and not you. It’s is not your job to show them the ropes, and it’s not your job to train them into a partner. That is their job.
If the therapist said to end the relationship it’s probably because the relationship is damaging to them at the moment, they are probably very much struggling with the situation and I think the therapist only want the best for them. If they really wanted to work through things they would have stuck with that therapist. But they didn’t even get that far, and there is more to the story.
Decide if this situationship at best work for you. If you adjust your expectations and it’s still something you want to pursue by all means. But it’s not your job to be their therapist or their mom. It’s their job to seek out help and therapy if they are so unhappy. You’re in a way enabling their issues believe it or not.
|
|
|
|
Post by femmefatale on Jun 27, 2020 22:44:49 GMT
I completely understand the need for them to want to also do the therapy and it not only be my idea, it is confusing when they’ve stated multiple times they aren’t happy with the disconnect, they want to be with me because they love me and don’t want to lose me and see that therapy is helping, only to flip to not knowing if they should do it because they might be doing it for me. I’d understand if they were like “ this is who I am and this is a normal relationship with this disconnect” but they’ve stated that they’re also unhappy with the disconnect and want to fix it But that is the the thing....depending on the level of consciousness and also what happened in his/her past...this could be the best you achieve for now...a desire to change and a fear of that change to who he/she is. Things really have to feel as if they are 100% his/her choice...if not...if there is the slightest thought that he/her is doing this to please you, then the resistance will likely kick in...like a subconscious “you don’t get to define me” reaction. I agree with mrob that at least this person is still showing up, but can you accept where he/her currently is? I agree with your post, i suppose I need to figure out my limitations with things and accept that for my own self. My view of relationships had always been to communicate and see if there is a possibility to do things to better our situation seeing as how their attachment and my attachment are connected in a relationship. But i also understand this is inner work she must do for herself outside of our relationship. I feel that i flip back and forth with my acceptance of things. At times i'm at peace with where we are and have hope based on her actions. Then other times I feel so drained, we communicate, I feel that we're on the same page, and the cycle continues. |
|
