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Post by cecilia on Jul 2, 2020 15:54:20 GMT
Thank you so much for this message serenity. It does me so much good to read it and reread it. The words are accurate in terms of the confusion and vulnerability I am feeling right now. I (hardly) manage not to make contact and every time I go beyond 3-4 days (and I am very proud of myself!) he contacts me again...Last time he told me he spent the day with a woman he had recently met. I also saw that they became friends on social media...Obviously, I compare myself to this person at a disadvantage. She's gorgeous and successful (according to her public news of course). Because of what you're explaining to me, I have a better understanding of the effects and impact of intermittent contact. That's exactly what he's using. As if to validate that I'm not too far away. Just yesterday, he asked me for my help on a project and I gladly accepted on the spot...then today I regret because he was not at all grateful...I absolutely have to take this distance and I feel that I can do it when it's been a few days since I had no contact...so I see the benefit, but as soon as he comes back, the spiral starts again: I'm fine immediately and then disappointed afterwards because it doesn't meet my needs. As you say, I have to protect myself, even if it's from someone I'd like to be close to. I feel supported and understood here. Thank you! |
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Post by cecilia on Jul 2, 2020 15:59:55 GMT
amberThere, you describe it so well! The contact is sometimes so good, we have hope! Then, another exchange can be so banal and superficial, as if that person were talking to someone they have never been close to. It's this disconnect that I don't understand: we've been so close and intimate emotionally, how can the other person act so detached! Even on a friendly level, there place for warmth behavior, it seems to me?
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Post by cecilia on Jul 2, 2020 16:23:49 GMT
Do you think that having lost parents at a young age can contribute to the development of these kinds of avoidance traits?
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Post by dhali on Jul 2, 2020 17:19:38 GMT
Possibly. Does it matter?
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Post by cecilia on Jul 2, 2020 19:08:01 GMT
Not really I guess...just trying to understand a little bit more about the origin of all that...
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Post by serenity on Jul 2, 2020 20:30:11 GMT
Do you think that having lost parents at a young age can contribute to the development of these kinds of avoidance traits? Hugs cecilia, I believe that plenty of people have trauma and neglect in their childhoods, who don't treat people the way you have been treated. What separates victims of trauma is empathy, or lack thereof. A person with empathy would never discard you and then use you whilst dating others. As far as I have researched personally, some people are born with a screw loose when it comes to empathy and it can be enhanced by environmental factors. But an empathetic person will endure all kinds of abuse and will not change, other than to be more careful with people. I appreciate that your guy seemed good during courtship, and avoidants are often very skilled at courting because that's all they have. Then they bail or fade out afterwards unless you have considerable resources they think they can use. |
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Post by cecilia on Jul 3, 2020 3:52:29 GMT
I wonder if the fact that I was a witness to his vulnerabilities and injuries, attentive, empathetic, welcoming, is not one of the reasons he says he no longer has feelings for me .. . As he seems rather to have a hard time forgetting his exes who decided to leave and hurt him, he may have trouble accepting being loved and feeling the attachment of the other? It's a hypothesis ... I don't know. Any thoughts on that? Thank you
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 3, 2020 4:13:22 GMT
I wonder if the fact that I was a witness to his vulnerabilities and injuries, attentive, empathetic, welcoming, is not one of the reasons he says he no longer has feelings for me .. . As he seems rather to have a hard time forgetting his exes who decided to leave and hurt him, he may have trouble accepting being loved and feeling the attachment of the other? It's a hypothesis ... I don't know. Any thoughts on that? Thank you I know you are trying to understand his dynamic.....but is it perhaps helping you to “avoid” looking at your own? |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2020 5:19:33 GMT
Take a look at my first response in this recent thread: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2704/fas-partners-post-breakup-shockBigger picture, I'm talking about how different styles are primed to pair with and interact other styles. This also is true for how different attachment styles are conditioned to give and receive love. (Will be referring to General You as an AP): You're used to chasing it and longing for it and are more likely to feel attraction towards someone who requires you to do that, and less likely to feel and accept love from someone who is giving it to you in a stable and unconditional way. You didn't get wired to receive it that way earlier in life and it feels unfamiliar. Same for avoidants. But reconditioning your own AP attachment style is all you can change. |
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Post by cecilia on Jul 5, 2020 17:40:16 GMT
Thank you all for taking the time to write and share your impressions with me. After learning that my ex was already dating another person, I feel more insecure than ever...I was trying to make my way to recovery and learn from that relationship and how my attachment style may have contributed. But it's another blow to me...Now I wonder if all that distance and the talk about not grieving his ex was just a show-off and that he had already moved on with someone else. It really hurts...I think he's going back to the beginning of a new relationship where everything is magical and deep attachment is not necessary and that makes him feel more comfortable than he did with me, who wanted something stable and committed. I don't know...
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Post by alexandra on Jul 5, 2020 18:43:17 GMT
In general, I also feel like it's more likely for people with attachment issues to not be connected enough with themselves to realize they're on the rebound, as they have trouble processing things in a way that allows them to move forward as part of the insecure attachment style behavior patterns. Or, are seeking the distraction and high of a new connection to avoid the pain of the old one ending (which means they eventually have to mourn both the ex and the rebound!). Hi cecilia, I'm sorry that you're now going through the pain of finding out he's starting up something new with someone else. If it's any consolation, you should notice that's right in line with this pattern we just discussed a little over a week ago! I don't think it has anything to do with you or anything you need to feel insecure about -- that is your AP speaking and your old tapes playing are really behind that insecurity. I'm not sure how you found out he was dating someone else, but no contact so you can focus on yourself and healing and breaking patterns still sounds like your best bet. Chasing him isn't worth it, feeling unworthy because he's a flake who doesn't process his own feelings isn't worth it. Be kind to yourself, you'll get through this  |
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Post by amber on Jul 5, 2020 22:22:29 GMT
Thank you all for taking the time to write and share your impressions with me. After learning that my ex was already dating another person, I feel more insecure than ever...I was trying to make my way to recovery and learn from that relationship and how my attachment style may have contributed. But it's another blow to me...Now I wonder if all that distance and the talk about not grieving his ex was just a show-off and that he had already moved on with someone else. It really hurts...I think he's going back to the beginning of a new relationship where everything is magical and deep attachment is not necessary and that makes him feel more comfortable than he did with me, who wanted something stable and committed. I don't know... You dodged a bullet with this guy! |
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Post by cecilia on Jul 5, 2020 22:44:50 GMT
amberI think you're right! I just hope I can feel it too someday... Of course, I’ve been digging into his new girl and I ended up thinking that she is everything I’m not: more beautiful, younger, very fit, champion of her sport, having travelled a lot, accomplished in her work and rich, two beautiful children…It depresses me even more…I’m no match at all. But I try to talk to me and remember what you've said alexandra : seeking distraction and high of new connection (instead of working on their issues like his past relationship that he's clearly not over with!) I just feel that life is a little bit unfair...I remember him saying that if it was not from the lockdown, we would have see each other often and maybe he wouldn't have lost his momentum and interest in me like he did...Tell me about bad timing! Or maybe, it's juste another excuse...Now that the lockdown is partially up where we live and summer days and fun are here, he can see this new girl when he wants. And of course, she's all over liking all his posts on social media...
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Post by amber on Jul 5, 2020 23:00:47 GMT
amberI think you're right! I just hope I can feel it too someday... Of course, I’ve been digging into his new girl and I ended up thinking that she is everything I’m not: more beautiful, younger, very fit, champion of her sport, having travelled a lot, accomplished in her work and rich, two beautiful children…It depresses me even more…I’m no match at all. But I try to talk to me and remember what you've said alexandra : seeking distraction and high of new connection (instead of working on their issues like his past relationship that he's clearly not over with!) I just feel that life is a little bit unfair...I remember him saying that if it was not from the lockdown, we would have see each other often and maybe he wouldn't have lost his momentum and interest in me like he did...Tell me about bad timing! Or maybe, it's juste another excuse...Now that the lockdown is partially up where we live and summer days and fun are here, he can see this new girl when he wants. And of course, she's all over liking all his posts on social media... And the chances of it working out with them? Probably slim. Also, social media says nothing about what someone’s life is really like.i think we all know that. |
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Post by serenity on Jul 7, 2020 9:41:19 GMT
amber I think you're right! I just hope I can feel it too someday... Of course, I’ve been digging into his new girl and I ended up thinking that she is everything I’m not: more beautiful, younger, very fit, champion of her sport, having travelled a lot, accomplished in her work and rich, two beautiful children…It depresses me even more…I’m no match at all. But I try to talk to me and remember what you've said alexandra : seeking distraction and high of new connection (instead of working on their issues like his past relationship that he's clearly not over with!) I just feel that life is a little bit unfair...I remember him saying that if it was not from the lockdown, we would have see each other often and maybe he wouldn't have lost his momentum and interest in me like he did...Tell me about bad timing! Or maybe, it's juste another excuse...Now that the lockdown is partially up where we live and summer days and fun are here, he can see this new girl when he wants. And of course, she's all over liking all his posts on social media... Cecilia, Sending big hugs and love <3 Its normal for these guys to run from intimacy and tell themselves it was because of some inadequacy on their partner's part that they've corrected by choosing the `correct' partner next. And they will find them inadequate too and do the same. You never did anything wrong. He went looking for a reason to end the intimacy that you shared, he betrayed your trust , and he will do this with everyone. There's not a good human on earth that an avoidant can't spin into seeing as garbage when they want distance. You did good. You extended yourself and loved a damaged person, and now you are learning to love yourself more. You have to now. He will continue to inflict harm on people and you are free. Feel sorry for the sports person, she will be harmed by this guy. |
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