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Post by lonewolf on Jul 17, 2020 7:06:35 GMT
@shiningstar Your post and link sent me down a rabbit hole of information that I have been happily exploring for several days! Thank you! I'd love it if you summarize or share some key points/insights!! It's really helpful for me to remind myself and learn new things from others, and that's why i still stick around in the forum. Glad this was helpful! I have just learned about creative visualization and related techniques so this is a wealth of information. I actually think I have intuitively done this in the past but learning the name and methods are new to me. I find it interesting that @becomingme brought up arousal because this something I struggle with as well. Of course I desire to be attracted to my partner but I am not attracted to many people. When I feel that "spark" I had not honestly considered it could be more accurately described as a "trigger." But am I really feeling "aroused" and "sexy" biting my nails by the phone or wondering if the guy I'm with really cares about me? No! It is more accurately like once we finally go to bed together, it soothes my anxiety. Of course, as soon as the day comes and he leaves I have the anxiety again. @shiningstar 's methods make things a bit more clear. I've been very resistant to dating men I'm not attracted to--why should I??? I've also dutifully given men several chances, even when I'm not feeling it, because I know he is a good guy and I want to like him. I'm sure our partners are confused by FAs, but I'm confused too! Here:
The ideas of focusing on expanding/contracting feeling in the internal self and a sense of rigidity is such a good tool that I will remember as I interact with men. If I am feeling small and hurt maybe I'm not really enjoying my time around him as much as I think I am! But for me at least, it can be hard to separate feelings of positive and negative arousal, meaning i'm unsure of how to proceed in the relationship and need tools to help me.
It brings up something @alive brought up which is the difference between friends and lovers. With friends I find it much easier to assess if I want the person around. If I'm not enjoying my time with them, I don't see them anymore. But with lovers, as you are naturally closer, there's passion, etc. it's so much harder for me to assess about the relationship.
Still not sure what to do but I am learning!
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Post by BecomingMe on Jul 18, 2020 11:15:08 GMT
Ah, I think you've highlighted something I wasn't quite able to put my finger on - in APs, negative arousal is often ignored in the face of what feels "positive" because of POSITIVE projections. We aren't really detecting the negative arousal accurately or we ignore it or mistake it as normal dating attraction dynamics. It may be that you feel both negative arousal from physically/intuitively sensing something is off AND positive arousal from the projections you are making. Sorry for the late reply @shiningstar and alexandra. Thank you so much for taking the time out to write it out. You weren't rambling at all!! I'm sure a lot of us on this forum will find your observations have been so helpful. I think I can understand what you both are talking about. I experienced quite a bit of positive arousal with my recent ex during the early days of our dating because our conversations were fun and on a great intellectual plane. However my anxious side also kicked in. I would day dream about how he would be such a good fit in a family. In my country, cultural values/background play a huge role during dating. I would consciously shake myself out of these thoughts, but I'm sure they eventually played out in a very anxious way with him. And it is so accurate that I ignored or didn't have important conversations about some of his distancing behaviour because I was sold of this story of how well he "fit" into my life. I was doing things to appear chill and at the same time going crazy that he was distancing. This has been really helpful to see my own part in that dynamic! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2020 13:10:02 GMT
Ah, I think you've highlighted something I wasn't quite able to put my finger on - in APs, negative arousal is often ignored in the face of what feels "positive" because of POSITIVE projections. We aren't really detecting the negative arousal accurately or we ignore it or mistake it as normal dating attraction dynamics. It may be that you feel both negative arousal from physically/intuitively sensing something is off AND positive arousal from the projections you are making. Sorry for the late reply @shiningstar and alexandra . Thank you so much for taking the time out to write it out. You weren't rambling at all!! I'm sure a lot of us on this forum will find your observations have been so helpful. I think I can understand what you both are talking about. I experienced quite a bit of positive arousal with my recent ex during the early days of our dating because our conversations were fun and on a great intellectual plane. However my anxious side also kicked in. I would day dream about how he would be such a good fit in a family. In my country, cultural values/background play a huge role during dating. I would consciously shake myself out of these thoughts, but I'm sure they eventually played out in a very anxious way with him. And it is so accurate that I ignored or didn't have important conversations about some of his distancing behaviour because I was sold of this story of how well he "fit" into my life. I was doing things to appear chill and at the same time going crazy that he was distancing. This has been really helpful to see my own part in that dynamic! YES!!! so many thumbs up for this. I myself have done exactly the same, fantasizing about how he WOULD be such a good fit blah blah. He might have been if the world was ideal and perfect but he certainly WASN'T at any point in reality. On the same note, I would take my anxious thoughts as truth when his reality might have been quite different. They were my "truth" but they were not The Truth. Same as how my truth was how good a fit he is, but The Truth is that the relationship was pretty disastrous and our lives didn't quite match. This really highlights how important it is to be mindful and centered in life, so that we don't create more upheaval with our thoughts and assumptions than there already is! |
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