|
|
Post by mrob on Jul 14, 2020 0:36:09 GMT
If I’m going to take a risk and message you, I’m going to have some sort of small talk based on something on your profile that interests me. I don’t find women to be insincere. It just doesn’t get to that stage. If you’re giving me one word answers, you’re distracted. I think that goes for men too, but in a bit of a different way. Please don’t ask me to elaborate.
Looks wise, I can find something attractive in nearly anyone. Whether we can hold a conversation is more important. There doesn’t have to be a lot in common, interests or even culturally, I’m looking to learn. So long as our base ethics are similar, I’m satisfied. Example: If we go out and you treat the waiter like a slave rather than a human being, it doesn’t matter how attractive you are, you’re destined for the bin.
If we meet for the first time, we do so in a public situation and I expect you to have thought about your own safety and have told someone your plans, as I have. I don’t want to know where you live. If you’re comfortable, you’ll tell me. I don’t pursue. I’ll follow up, though. It’s not antipathy, it’s that we live in 2020. You can make a decision and take action about your life circumstances as well.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jul 14, 2020 5:49:20 GMT
A thought:
What
if you could use Tinder or other dating apps for much more than just looking for a partner or sex? Imagine if you could use Tinder to explore your courage, become better at setting boundaries, practice receiving a no and even saying no - and become a better lover. All it takes is for you to change your mindset a little. You need to start looking at dating more as a game and not just as a way to seek a partner or sex...
Dating should be fun and educational.
In the book Finite and Infinite Games, it's about playing. There are two ways you can play a game.
1) The concluding and limited way
2) The endless and fun way.
The question is whether you play to win, or play to play? We can use that mindset, even when it comes to dating or sex.
Finite games: Here you play to win - there is a specific goal. Infinite games: Here you play to continue the game for the game's own sake and sometimes to bring more players into the game.
Finite dating: Always ends up with a boyfriend - otherwise it's a bad date. If this is how you date, you often get angry, annoyed and frustrated after a date. Maybe you turn it inward and think there is something wrong with you: I. can not find a man, men are idiots, or Tinder is a stupid medium, etc.
Infinite dating: Here you have always had a good date, even if you do not want to see him again. Instead, look at what you have learned. You have met a new human being. You've had a nice evening. You may have challenged yourself and done something new. You look for the positive in the date and look forward to it.
|
|
alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
|
Post by alice on Jul 14, 2020 6:47:18 GMT
anne12 Touche, Anne. Touche. I did this for years! I'm tired! I went out with any man who asked me as long as he did not seem unsafe. I try something like this here and there. And then I revert cause I just don't enjoy it. I'm an introvert and I don't enjoy meeting new people (at all). But I still try here and there. I can try this again (though I do not use Tinder). I tried one of the free apps years ago and when I turned down a guy, a few days later he sent me really disgusting highly insulting drunk texts. I will not use those apps ever again or expose myself to that. BUT, I have heard other suggestions from psychologists saying to stop dating for a husband. They don't mean don't look for a marriage partner, but they mean just go date and have fun. It's difficult for me at this point in my life, but I agree there is a very valid point to this.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jul 14, 2020 6:54:44 GMT
alice ....you went out with ANY man who asked you, as long as he didn't feel unsafe -..why ? ( Tinder is just an example) According to an attachtment/love coach It is said that slow daters are more prone to use dating sites (it suits avoidants more, as they are often slow daters, maybe it also fits introverts better) Apps are more suited for people who moves faster such as AP's and FA's and extroverts It properly also depends on your age
|
|
alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
|
Post by alice on Jul 14, 2020 7:05:51 GMT
alice ....you went out with ANY man who asked you, as long as he didn't feel unsafe -..why ? ( Tinder is just an example) It is said that slow daters are more prone to use dating sites (it suits avoidants more, as they are often slow daters, maybe it also fits introverts better) Apps are more suited for people who moves faster such as AP's and FA's and extroverts Years ago I went out with any man who asked. I did this to meet people and have fun. This was not on any of the free apps, so the men tended to be more stable/safe. I never had a bad date just some boring ones. Oh, I tend to use "apps" and "dating sites" interchangeably. I guess I use sites now more than apps. It was on the (free) apps I had bad experiences and men right off the bat speaking sexually, etc. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jul 14, 2020 7:24:57 GMT
alice People who are dating have different needs. Some wants to have fun, some wants to get attention, some just want to have sex, some wants a travel buddy, some wants to start a family, some want's to find a good friend ect. Are you having trouble saying NO ? It is expecially important to take good care of yourself when dating if you've got some fa attatchment style. Fa's can find it difficult to feel their own boundaries or/and other people's boundaries because of descosiation/crossed boundaries from childhood or they can be in doubt if their boundaries are okay. They should also be aware of any underdog/overdog dynamics ect. Disregulated People who are in a kind of freeze state and low on energy/who are nummed out are more prone to attract people with dysregulated prepretator energy. People with prepretator energy say that they can spot people in freeze/they can feel their low energy miles away. For examble at a bar. If you are low on energy, in freeze/shut down and not well regulated be carefull because you can attract these type of people without being aware of it. You are in risk of being hunted like wounded/weak animals in the wild. You are also not able to detect danger the same way as if you were wellregulated. (Peter Levine) If you are feeling draind/stressed out it is proberly better to wait to date for a while. Being drained can be a kind of freeze..... Theres a lot you can prepare/work on before you date ... Where are you in life and what do you need/want in your life now ? What type of partner suits you / shares some of the same values/has got some of the same lifegoals as you ? jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1927/dating-tips-attatchment-styles-phases
|
|
alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
|
Post by alice on Jul 14, 2020 8:02:26 GMT
alice Are you having trouble saying NO ? lol, no not at all. I did this years ago to try to have fun and meet people. I'm on the extreme end now and say no way too much now. You're probably right about the drained state though. However, I'm always low energy with people because that is the default state of an introvert. It's not really conducive to dating when you have to interview person after person after person to find a partner. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jul 14, 2020 17:12:06 GMT
Building on anne12 's finite and infinite dating post, alice, it's always going to feel more draining if you're framing your conversations with new guys as "interviews." That is totally exhausting. I'm naturally extroverted so maybe this won't work as well for someone introverted, but since I made the approach about being curious and getting to know who someone is (and moving on quickly if there's dealbreakers), it's still frustrating but less "exhausting." When I feel exhausted I take a break. But looking at it more as well, I'll have a conversation and learn something about someone and hopefully they can be a compatible partner but onto the next if they're not, versus it sucks that all these guys fail my interview questions  , has made it less intense (so I'm at least assuming that means I'm not coming off as needy either), has still kept things slow (and if they don't like my pace it filters them out), and has led more to what anne's post described. Dates that can be more fun in the moment even if not going anywhere. Does that mean I'd choose to spend time on dates with random people I don't know just because they're not bad dates but they're still not good matches? Definitely not! I hate dating ha ha. I'd rather see my friends with that time and social energy. But, it's the nature of trying to meet people through online mechanisms. |
|
alice
Full Member
Posts: 128
|
Post by alice on Jul 15, 2020 4:08:40 GMT
So, I'm feeling this again. The drain.
I've been talking to a guy for a bit under a week. Just a bit here and there. We opened up the conversation more in depth today, and it just feels like a chore to respond. We have stuff in common and he seems interesting. I'm trying to figure out why I feel this way. At this point, from what I can tell, I don't think he is doing anything wrong. There is something in me here. It may be that I'm still wrestling with the ex and that is taking up some of my energy. It's not taking up as much as it was, but it's still there.
When I like someone, I tend to gain some energy, even if a little. I'm trying to figure out if there is a middle ground where it is neither draining nor energizing, and I'm not certain. There is definitely a difference between extraverts and introverts in these situations, but I also think attachment issues or being unavailable, etc comes into play. I'd like to figure out what causes this if possible.
|
|
, has made it less intense (so I'm at least assuming that means I'm not coming off as needy either), has still kept things slow (and if they don't like my pace it filters them out), and has led more to what anne's post described. Dates that can be more fun in the moment even if not going anywhere.