As a probable AP.... | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

seeking
Honored Contributor

Posts: 886

As a probable AP.... Aug 1, 2020 13:28:51 GMT

Quote

Post by seeking on Aug 1, 2020 13:28:51 GMT

So I'm still posting here, even though I don't even know if I'm AP. I thing I'm FA? I guess it depends who I'm with, lol!

So I got through 1 solid week of NOT TEXTING the guy who ghosted me back in April. That may seem stupid to report, but it was not easy. It was such a coping mechanism for the grief and fear and shatteredness I feel over being single, over being abused by an ex (currently) (with not much I can do about it despite like a ton of lawyers involved), and just feeling, at times, like my life was ruined. Grieving over how much I wanted a family and not only didn't get that, but have been abused by this person since I had a child with him. The grief can get so intense, that all I want is to just "move on" --
And that's what sometimes pushes me into trying to convince myself to be with people or give people a try who I don't really find that appealing.

And I tell myself "Well, appealing is the 'old way' - that's the addiction, and the dangerous men, etc." But I think there is an in-between.

Anyway, so I resisted texting the ghoster.
I resisted convincing myself that the guy in question here was worth getting to know and that he might be the last man on earth kinda thing.
I didn't drink.
I didn't eat chips.
I resisted my escape plans
I didn't have sugar.

And some things in my life actually turned around this week. It was painful and I was triggered all the time, but I started journaling about my parts (like Internal Family Systems style work) and just getting to know all these "exiles" and wounds.

In the meantime, I started talking to someone new. At first, I ruled him out, but then I kept seeing him in my "likes" (he liked me) and decided to just talk to him. We totally hit it off emailing. He was surprisingly sweet and smart and a dedicated dad. And kind! He was impressive.

I observed a few other things about myself. Like how I will instantly give my power away when I sense something or decide "he won't like me, he'll find out I"m --- ugly, not worth it, fat, etc" - which is pretty surprising, so I watched that part of me come up.
Then I watched it quickly switch to, "Oh no, I'm too good for him."

And then after our chatting back and forth on the apps messenger, sensing he needed to go and immediately going "Okay, I need to get going," and abruptly leaving the conversation. I said a few more things but it was kind of abrupt, and then I didn't hear back from him. So I was like "ahh...."

And I watched myself do "ahhhhh ...." for a while.

And then when he did write me back, he was just so sweet. He thanked me for my time chatting with him.

So I wrote back something this morning to say that I really dig kindness. And thanked him for his time and said I enjoyed it. <----- that felt brave and big and scary. Like "OH NO NOW I'M GOING TO SCARE HIM OFF" because you're supposed to "play it cool" and "let them chase you" and "not show interest" etc. Ugh. So much stupid programming and things that would apply to, like, my abusive ex.

It felt really nice to just be kind and sweet with someone.

And the other thing is that last night, I watched part of my brain keep wanting to check messages and get sucked into the dating apps I'm on but then just stay engaged with my daughter for several hours and other things -- which felt really good but also new for me.

Last Edit: Aug 1, 2020 13:31:03 GMT by seeking

annieb
Honored Contributor

Posts: 636

As a probable AP.... Aug 1, 2020 15:10:15 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by annieb on Aug 1, 2020 15:10:15 GMT

I obviously don’t know your situation and all the details, but from what I see and hear I feel like if you don’t embrace your single life and in your case your single motherhood, you will perpetually get involved with abusers. And I mean really love yourself and your life, right now. How you’ve been doing the last week, that is true self love.
And many won’t agree with me, but I feel you have to get off dating apps and online dating. I think just from my own experience over the years using them on and off I’ve developed texting intimacy with people that I would never have in real life. But I think mainly it’s always put me in the comparison mindset and it’s always triggered my “not good enough”, while when I’m not dating at all I’m actually fairly confident naturally. And when I look at those times I wasn’t on the app, I wasn’t the healthiest necessarily, but I was the happiest.

seeking
Honored Contributor

Posts: 886

As a probable AP.... Aug 1, 2020 17:53:27 GMT

Quote

Post by seeking on Aug 1, 2020 17:53:27 GMT

I obviously don’t know your situation and all the details, but from what I see and hear I feel like if you don’t embrace your single life and in your case your single motherhood, you will perpetually get involved with abusers.

No, you don't know me. And that's not actually true. I was in an 18-month relationship as a single mom with someone who was not an abuser. I don't really see the correlation you're making here?

My single life has been not for the faint of heart. I've been in court for most of it. I don't get any support from my daughter's dad. She's on the autism spectrum. I've created my own business and put her in private school. She got super sick in our old house and I figured out it was mold, and this past January left everything behind. All of our possessions, and move to a new house without mold to start over. We are totally broke. But she is doing phenomenally better. I commuted 2 hours a day to her school. I don't have anyone helping me. Her father and his new girlfriend put me (and by proxy her) through living hell. And now we're in a pandemic. And that's not even the half of it. So I'm not sure what advice you're giving, but I don't think "embracing my single life" really has anything to do with anything. Or me.

I've been independent and single a lot of my life. I'm 48 and never been married. I've been single for years now. I think it's time for me to work on partnering with someone. But that's for me to know. And that's my choice.

My single life has largely been living hell. And I'm not looking to bring someone into that hell. What feels like self-love to me is giving myself the opportunity to allow myself to really be loved and appreciated by someone and have a companion to do things with (camping, traveling, just doing life - there are a lot of single fathers out there who would appreciate the same -- I know, for my daughter, she would love to have a father figure in her life and I would love to have a partner who is kind and supportive).

And so what's actually helping me right now is to be "on to" myself about what I do with attachment stuff. Because I might push away the right guy; I've done that before and it helps to have accountability.

I'm not like you; I wouldn't be at all happy not on dating apps. If it made you the happiest, I don't think there is any logic in assuming or suggesting that it would be true for other people. I'm combating isolation in a pandemic.

There was no false intimacy between me and the guy from last night. I'm careful about that -- which is exactly why I started this post b/c another guy was saying "wish you were here" and that was freaking me out.

Me and the guy from last night were doing the "how many kids do you have, what do you do for work," which is totally reasonable for meeting someone online.

What I'm doing right now is observing myself intensely. I'm trying to change age-old patterns and seeing things now with new eyes. I'm watching exactly just how fearful I become.

I will keep online dating. It is no different from me than if I were to meet someone in person - same issues. I'm confident, but these issues come up for me around men (whether in person or online). It's important for me to have a place without judgement and projection to be able to have the space to receive feedback that I'm super grateful for and that really helps me in this process, and for me to be able to explore what I'm seeing in myself.. which is exactly what I'm doing here.

I don't know if what I was doing last week was true self love. For me, it was watching the addict in me rear its ugly head and for me not to give into it. And to notice how much havoc it can wreak on my life and to figure out what triggers it. That's been enormously helpful for me.

I wouldn't say self-love is not eating sugar and not drinking. It's more restraint. I'm also trying to observe my relationship to pleasure and what that looks like and the difference between that and addiction. Again, it's been an ongoing process.

Self-love is probably not texting the ghoster. That can fit. But it didn't feel like my *not* doing it came from a place of self-love, more from a manager (to use IFS terminology) part of me that "knows better" -- so more restraint.

Last Edit: Aug 1, 2020 17:58:01 GMT by seeking

seeking
Honored Contributor

Posts: 886

As a probable AP.... Aug 1, 2020 22:31:23 GMT

Quote

Post by seeking on Aug 1, 2020 22:31:23 GMT

So he initiated that "we live far away." not sure where that came from - I don't know if I realized where he lives though (and he wrote to me, so I assume he knew it was far). It's 2 hours! So we agreed not to continue, which is fine. And I know I had a few concerns about him, but still feeding into my "Not worthy" story, can't get a man, I was "too nice" -- oh well, at this point in my life there is no way I'm playing games to get a guy, lol. And I don't think that is it at all, actually (for him, he was prob being genuine). But still watching the little voices going through my mind.