Thread to stay strong

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, you seem to want this relationship more than he does and that's not a good place to be. With a DA, it just scares them even more to know that.

Actually, you will likely be discontented even if you didn't break up - the level of connection you need will go unfulfilled, and you are likely to be more frustrated in future.

You will feel much much worse if you are several long years into the relationship, emotionally even more invested and then back to square one if he still decides to break up due to his DA triggers.

It's far better for you to move on and find someone with whom it is possible to build a long term relationship resembling one that you desire.

The longer you stay emotionally mired, the more likely you're letting the right guy pass you by.

I'm also pining for the DA, and wonder if I did the right thing by breaking up, so I understand how hard it is.

I went on dates, even with those I'm not keen on, and that helps a lot in keeping him out of my mind. So stay busy and focused on your life, forgive yourself for the lapses, but save all the love you tried to offer to him for yourself.

I am actually a FA, therefore the problem as well. at the start I was running between together/ break/ together/ break. It got him frustrated and really hurt like I wanted to leave him but it was not that I want to, just that I was so scare he would leave me one day. That is also why I apologize to him cos sometimes I just say words that hurt his feelings and am not aware of it. Sometimes we both cry together feeling so helpless.

Thanks alot for the words of comfort. It really helps. It's the 3rd day and it is still hard.. i went from blank to sad to anger to confuse... and it is still changing.

Even though he is emotionally distance, he said he trusted and open up to me more than anyone. I was initially upset at some of the things he did, because there was never an explanation for the whole of 2 years but after reading about DA, I just went oh, that is why.

Yesterday I tried to message him and ask some things. He said to break up is really painful for him but because we are both "insufficient" we end up hurting each other because of that. Also, I asked him why he is so determine this time and he also mentioned that is because of the articles about DA and FA that I sent to him... he said he thought he knew himself but after reading the articles he was shock and realize that there's so much more on a deeper level that he is unaware. I said then aren't you suppose to do something about it like what I am trying? He was quiet and spoke little, but he said self help first probably. I left him some more information about FA and I left it at there, then block him because if not I would just keep checking up on him.

My friends would not believe that he would break up with me just because of an article and said he probably just giving an excuse for not wanting me to be around. I just really hope to believe he is not as bad as people say him to be. At some point, I do wish that he would think about coming back to me after we've both seek help but I know that is a very wishful thinking. The only time we talked seriously about break up was because we have issues with his family and he realize he has not been doing a good job which hurts me cos he drags on thing wanting to make things perfect... but he said he didn't want to lose me and really just needed the time to sort things out.

At the end, now that this is over. I know I will still need to sort out my confidence and self esteem issues. And I agree childhood was not great for me, I remember in fact some of the pain vividly and he always told me to forgive. It is not that I need to forgive them because I already did, it's just how I need to deal with myself on the problems it has caused. It does not help that both my previous partners betrayed the relationship and dumped me.

I am not sure about dating, but I would probably come out with a list of things to do to boost my confidence, become better and find faith. I really wished that he would really work on those issues as well. Meanwhile I guess it is better to not stay in contact... until, I don't know. Until when he wants to reach out to me I suppose.

That's nice to be able to meet him after so long, I wish that by 3 months I could see him too. I probably have no reason to even drop by his city apart from the fact that I bought 10 trip ticket card to his city. But ... I don't know. We'll see.

There was a great quote, that I found on the eNotAlone site, that I liked to keep as a reminder of how futile the situation with an Avoidant really is. It's by a poster called Kuteknish, who was being quoted by someone else there:

"As kuteknish so very well stated, a relationship is a two way street. A relationship with an avoidant is a one way exit ending in a bottomless hole, into which you can throw the kitchen sink and still get a net return of nothing. [The avoidant] pulling away is not restoring balance - unless you consider balance being alone, individual and independent. Which is the opposite goal of a relationship - the goal is to be with someone else, to live life in tandem; together we are stronger than we ever are alone."

ComeHereGoAway, Stan Tatkin's 'Your Brain on Love' is only on Audiobook. It's almost six hours long, with Stan as the narrator. He talks about 'Islands' (Avoidant), 'Waves' (Anxious), and 'Anchors' (Secures) and how the brain is wired for these attachment styles, and much more. He doesn't mention FA's or DA's, specifically. But there is a wealth of knowledge that he shares with the audiobook. Wired for Dating is for single folks, and Wired for Love are for those in relationships. Both are paper and audio.

Hello, for those who are looking to get over their breakups, I'm updating that I'm finally *free* of all thought or desire to get back with my ex DA.

What finally did it was the act/will of turning down an offer of physical intimacy, drawing up a firm boundary. He apologized and claimed he offered out of "tenderness and kindness", and I was thinking..."Really?!"

Then I contacted him for a reference, and we communicated a little, he was really nice and helpful, said he was inundated with work.

He was working insane hours, 60+ a week.

That was the time of Anthony Bourdain's suicide, after the Asia Argento photos with her new lover were splashed in the media, and I suddenly panicked about exDA.

I sent a message of concern about the overworking, but left it at that.

So it helped me because I found out I could care about him, but also checked my own instincts "to help", offering a final message just in case but no more. He is a successful businessman, he knows exactly what he's doing!

Strangely, after knowing that I actually cared for him, and confirming to myself I was not contacting him with the ulterior motive of continuing our dalliance, I laid to rest any and all ghosts. I would hate myself if I were to become manipulative, angling to get back together under the guise of "concern".

The constant act of wondering if I was trying to get back together actually kept me in the limbo state for the past months. When I discovered I don't really want to after all, but I cared about him in a certain way, suddenly seeing him as an aging workaholic chasing and lusting after attractive females he comes across got me slapping my head "What was I thinking?? This man is so wrong for me!"

Yes, he has so many wonderful qualities, but the work addiction and cluelessness about attachment, about being a companion and partner, should normally be a deal-breaker for me. However, I'm also glad that I cared for him, not in the lover's way, but as someone I shared some moments with. It brings peace and an open feeling.

All of these finally cleared my head.

So he is deleted from my phone database, I won't ever be contacting him again, neither will he, I'm sure.

Meanwhile, I'm traveling for the summer on vacation with an old friend and her parents, occasionally meeting unsuitable men for first dates, but I'm back to old happy self.

Cheers!