Post by mg55 on Sept 27, 2017 16:38:40 GMT
Sorry for the long story-
Hi, I'm a 30F and have been in relationship with a DA 35M for about 1.5 years.
I'm a very busy resident physician who works 80+ hours a week in NYC and he's a very successful corporate professional. I turned to online dating since most men don't understand my schedule/I'm too busy. When we met he was handsome, charming, charismatic and seemed so easy going which attracted me instantly but I didnt think anything of it since it's NYC and most guys are in the beginning. At first, I really appreciated that he loved having "me time" as I also need time to decompress but when we did spend time, he'd be on the computer and not doing work but looking up random things and I'd be on his couch until bed time. I would tell him I could do this in my own space and I wouldnt the take time in my schedule to come to his apartment to be ignored. He would eventually would come sit next to me once I finally vocalized. I appreciated this about him and we're both pretty nerdy so we were very comfortable around each other.
On our 4th month, I found myself seeing him closed off and not being affectionate still so I confronted him about it and he told me he was a bad boyfriend, cried and said he doesnt open up easily. He did tell me he was obese as a child and didnt have a romantic relationship until his late 20's so I can see where it's hard for him so I stayed but we'd fought again a couple weeks later and I was done with it. I ended up telling him I don't see him changing and I'll always end up asking for him to open up and not being happy. Told him I respect him too much too keep fighting w/ him and he agreed. We went one month NC and he sent me a written letter claiming hes going to counseling and he wants to be the one to make me happy. He owned up saying that showing emotions is a sign of weakness and he needs to get out of his own head. The letter was so heartfelt that I was overwhelmed and happy and we talked that same day.
9 months later, we've been talking about marriage and kids and have been looking for homes but the fighting has been nonstop the last 3 mths. I feel like I walk on eggshells at the mention of wanting to have a conversation; he'll roll his eyes, say ugh or look so uninterested when I'm talking. Unfortunately, I get the courage to say what I need to when Ive had a couple drinks. It would lead to a big blowout which makes me realize I have an emotionally unavailable partner and I'd leave. I'd always text him the next day telling him why I left and he'd say he wanted to work on it but change isnt going to happen overnight. So I stayed and this became a cycle of my frustration, arguing bc of it, telling him how I felt, realizing that I need more and me leaving.
The last blowout was last weekend when we actually went out to dinner (which was the first time in months and I was excited) so of course I wanted to be intimate but he sat there watching a mediocre football game and I was like this is boring, im going to bed. Trying to signal him- hey, lets go- but of course he didnt catch on. I laid in bed and was immediately feeling the emotion of loneliness overtake me. I told him Id really like him to come to bed but he dragged his feet into bed and I asked him why he wasn't being all over me? He laid his dead arm on my back. I was furious. I told him this is the reason why I get frustrated because I dont need to beg anyone to want to be around me, intimate, show that they love me. Same reasons so I broke up with him YET AGAIN and I left.
I didnt talk to him for 2 days and then my friend sent me a screenshot of his online dating profile. I was so shocked. He'd never done this before so of course, I felt the need to talk to him. He ignored me and I showed up to his place to him telling me I was a sunk cost and there's nothing left bc I keep arguing with him so he's over it. I took it personally bc he wasnt understanding the root of my arguments nor did he make any effort to change his behaviors. He was ice cold and said that being on the dating app should be a clear indicator he wants to move on so I left. He also mentioned that once he's done with someone, he doesnt look back and doesnt even care anymore which is what he finally was doing to me. I decided to do some research online and found out what attachment styles were and when I read up on DA, I was shocked.
A couple days ago, he texts me asking how I'm doing and wants to talk. I told him I'd talk for closure and he agreed. He ended up telling me he still wants me in his life. I sat there and I asked him why, and he looked at me and this, because of this... Indicating that he enjoys me being around him. WHICH IS SO CONFUSING. He suggested couples counseling but told him that I'm super hurt and don't know if I can trust him with my emotions. I see myself as a healer but I dont think I'm equipped to handle this back and forth. I love him but all this fighting has turned to resentment on both ends. So i'm here wondering I should observe him for any changes or move on with my life. Any help would be appreciated as I'm so thankful I found this forum! Thanks.
Hi, I'm a 30F and have been in relationship with a DA 35M for about 1.5 years.
I'm a very busy resident physician who works 80+ hours a week in NYC and he's a very successful corporate professional. I turned to online dating since most men don't understand my schedule/I'm too busy. When we met he was handsome, charming, charismatic and seemed so easy going which attracted me instantly but I didnt think anything of it since it's NYC and most guys are in the beginning. At first, I really appreciated that he loved having "me time" as I also need time to decompress but when we did spend time, he'd be on the computer and not doing work but looking up random things and I'd be on his couch until bed time. I would tell him I could do this in my own space and I wouldnt the take time in my schedule to come to his apartment to be ignored. He would eventually would come sit next to me once I finally vocalized. I appreciated this about him and we're both pretty nerdy so we were very comfortable around each other.
On our 4th month, I found myself seeing him closed off and not being affectionate still so I confronted him about it and he told me he was a bad boyfriend, cried and said he doesnt open up easily. He did tell me he was obese as a child and didnt have a romantic relationship until his late 20's so I can see where it's hard for him so I stayed but we'd fought again a couple weeks later and I was done with it. I ended up telling him I don't see him changing and I'll always end up asking for him to open up and not being happy. Told him I respect him too much too keep fighting w/ him and he agreed. We went one month NC and he sent me a written letter claiming hes going to counseling and he wants to be the one to make me happy. He owned up saying that showing emotions is a sign of weakness and he needs to get out of his own head. The letter was so heartfelt that I was overwhelmed and happy and we talked that same day.
9 months later, we've been talking about marriage and kids and have been looking for homes but the fighting has been nonstop the last 3 mths. I feel like I walk on eggshells at the mention of wanting to have a conversation; he'll roll his eyes, say ugh or look so uninterested when I'm talking. Unfortunately, I get the courage to say what I need to when Ive had a couple drinks. It would lead to a big blowout which makes me realize I have an emotionally unavailable partner and I'd leave. I'd always text him the next day telling him why I left and he'd say he wanted to work on it but change isnt going to happen overnight. So I stayed and this became a cycle of my frustration, arguing bc of it, telling him how I felt, realizing that I need more and me leaving.
The last blowout was last weekend when we actually went out to dinner (which was the first time in months and I was excited) so of course I wanted to be intimate but he sat there watching a mediocre football game and I was like this is boring, im going to bed. Trying to signal him- hey, lets go- but of course he didnt catch on. I laid in bed and was immediately feeling the emotion of loneliness overtake me. I told him Id really like him to come to bed but he dragged his feet into bed and I asked him why he wasn't being all over me? He laid his dead arm on my back. I was furious. I told him this is the reason why I get frustrated because I dont need to beg anyone to want to be around me, intimate, show that they love me. Same reasons so I broke up with him YET AGAIN and I left.
I didnt talk to him for 2 days and then my friend sent me a screenshot of his online dating profile. I was so shocked. He'd never done this before so of course, I felt the need to talk to him. He ignored me and I showed up to his place to him telling me I was a sunk cost and there's nothing left bc I keep arguing with him so he's over it. I took it personally bc he wasnt understanding the root of my arguments nor did he make any effort to change his behaviors. He was ice cold and said that being on the dating app should be a clear indicator he wants to move on so I left. He also mentioned that once he's done with someone, he doesnt look back and doesnt even care anymore which is what he finally was doing to me. I decided to do some research online and found out what attachment styles were and when I read up on DA, I was shocked.
A couple days ago, he texts me asking how I'm doing and wants to talk. I told him I'd talk for closure and he agreed. He ended up telling me he still wants me in his life. I sat there and I asked him why, and he looked at me and this, because of this... Indicating that he enjoys me being around him. WHICH IS SO CONFUSING. He suggested couples counseling but told him that I'm super hurt and don't know if I can trust him with my emotions. I see myself as a healer but I dont think I'm equipped to handle this back and forth. I love him but all this fighting has turned to resentment on both ends. So i'm here wondering I should observe him for any changes or move on with my life. Any help would be appreciated as I'm so thankful I found this forum! Thanks.
