Due to covid you can activate your social engagement system by:
- Lisetning to music (music you like) - Reading books, listening to podcasts, using audible - Walking in Nature. If you dont have acces to nature irl you can watch nature programmes, listening to sounds of nature - birds, rain ect. You can also bye a plant or a flower to get nature into your home - You can start playing an instrument - something where you are using air (a flute, a 🎷 ect.) - You can use the ohm sound - You can bye a pet or visit a shelter. - You can smile and wave at strangers (often time they will wave back at you) - You can draw, knit, make pottery ect. - You can turn your webcam on and watch a movie "with" a webcam friend, cook with the webcam turned on ect. - you can use the kind eyes exercise .
Gardening without gloves Imagining someone you like and then give yourself a hug Play with Lego Knit Keep a cricket ball, a stone ect in your pocket and touch it during the day. (It gives the same feeling as a baby/a toddler having a teddy bear as a transition object when letting go of its parents.)
Pick up your imaginary cat, put it on your lap, strike it from its head to its tail.
Tips for triggering situations: Allow Sooth, and the concepts of "big baby" Techniques to soothe tensions in the chest, hard moments, self-compassion and why it works from an anatomical and scientific perspective.
Hold a hot cup of beverage in your hands. Put it close to your chest Talk for yourself with a soothing voice as you would talk to a baby Rock forth and back with your body
So what is self compassion. Right. So in this very simple terms is just simply being a good friend to yourself the way you would be a good friend to others when they struggle. Know, most people when they think about how they treat themselves when they're struggling, especially when the difficulty comes from feeling like you failed at something or you're feeling really inadequate. Most of us say much more harsh mean even cruel things to ourselves than we say to anyone else in our life even worse than the people we don't like very much. Right. And contrast. Most of us have the experience of a close friend in our lives, or maybe a child's own really care about and with whom we know how to be compassionate and warm and supportive And so really you know what we're doing with with self compassion is not rocket science. We're just using the skills. We've already developed which is knowing how to be warm supportive compassionate towards those we care about. And we're actually turning them inward and treating ourselves with the same more than concern. And yeah, it does feel weird at first. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't right because we're used to being ourselves up and being kind to others. So it feels a little awkward at first. But, you know, the only reason that voice telling us we're crap feel so familiar is because we've never questioned it we've never even thought about using a different voice. And so self compassion is a practice you know we we practice being kinder, more supportive towards ourselves and after time it starts to become more normal and actually starts to become our habitual voice So that's kind of the easy way to think about what self compassion is, but I am a scientist. And I do have a more formal theoretical model of self compassion.
Which is that there are actually three separate components that go into self compassion. It's really not just one thing. I mean, we can think of it in simple terms, but in reality, it kind of forms a complex system So the idea is, in order to have a stable mind state of self compassion one that's healthy and stable over ti There's actually three elements we need we need kindness, which I talked about, but we also need a sense of common humanity into kind of a shared connection with other people and also mindfulness. So let me just break these down a little bit more in detail. So mindfulness. I mean everyone's heard about mindfulness these days. And again, mindfulness is actually at the core of self compassion. We can't be self compassionate unless we have some degree of mindfulness So what is mindfulness as most of you know mindfulness entails on being present with what is kind of being aware of what is instead of being auto on autopilot. And normally, we're on autopilot with ourselves in terms of, you know, being mean to ourselves. So mindfulness says, Hey, you know, wait a second. I'm really struggling here. Maybe I instead of being mean to myself, maybe I can try being kind to myself. Right. So with mindfulness. We're aware of our pain. We're aware of our discomfort. But we're aware of it in a balanced way. Right, so we don't we don't ignore or void or pain. Like, you know, the British just carry on, you know, don't even think about it. If you don't even think about it, you can actually give yourself the support and resource of self compassion. And the other hand, if we get what I call over identified with the pain, we kind of get lost in the storyline of how horrible things are. I am we get fused with our negative thoughts and emotions. We can't give ourselves, compassion, either. So mindfulness is kind of a balanced state and actually has a little space and perspective from our difficult experience.
And that space is what allows us to kind of step outside of ourselves and say hey you really having a hard time. What do you needed this moment right So mindfulness is kind of the foundation of self compassion. And then of course when we notice we're suffering, we need to respond in this kind way kind of what I talked about treating ourselves like we would a good friend. And it's important to note that the self kindness aspect of self compassion is where the motivation is In fact, many scientists defined compassion, not as an emotion, but as a motivation, the motivation to alleviate suffering. So the ideas with when with mindfulness, we notice we're struggling that motivation comes up to help ourselves in some way, you know, to ask ourselves, which really is the quintessential self compassion question. What do I need right now to care for myself. And then we actually try to give it to ourselves. By the way, just in terms of the numbers about how much people are kind versus judgmental to themselves when they notice pain, especially caused by inadequacy. My research shows that over 75% of people Are significantly more compassionate to others than they are to themselves. So it's actually not an average is that normal that we're kind to ourselves. It's normal, that we judge ourselves. And then we have to learn the skill of being kind to ourselves in response But really, really important with self compassion. What makes self compassion. Different than self pity for instance. Is the sense of common humanity, the sense of connection in our struggle. The word compassion in the Latin actually passion means suffer and come means with There's an inherent sense of connectedness and compassion. So, you know, when you consoling pities you we don't like it because it means they're looking down on us when someone has compassion for us. It's like, hey, I've been there, you know, I can, I can feel you The same thing with self compassion, the ideas in order to be self compassionate enough self pity. It's not like woe is me for me. We recognize that You know, hey, life is hard for everyone. It's not just me, you know, everyone struggles. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is imperfect. This is actually part of the human experience. And although logically, it's easy to see that kind of emotionally when we especially when we fail or make a mistake we feel like something's gone wrong. No like this should not be happening as if what supposed to be happening is perfection and when things aren't perfect or when I'm not perfect, something has gone wrong. And that's really dangerous emotion emotional reaction because what it means is, not only are we struggling We feel all alone in our struggles we feel uniquely isolated from everyone else like separated from the whole
And that actually really adds to our tension, and anxiety because it's very scary when we feel like we're an abnormal and something's wrong with us. And so with self compassion we can remember that this is the shared human experience. There's nothing abnormal about failing. There's nothing abnormal about struggling. This is something that we all share. Now having said this, it doesn't mean that all suffering is equal right we aren't saying that everyone suffers to the exact same amount Or in the exact same manner, you know, not at all. Some people suffer more than others, right. And so, for instance, people who suffer from systemic racism suffer more than people who are privileged by that system. So it's not saying that everyone is the same. What it is saying is that all human suffering is worthy of a compassionate response. No one. No one is dehumanized in this system compassion embraces all human beings in the circle you know ourselves and others. There are different forms of self compassion. Right. So again, self compassion is asking yourself: what do I need
I like to use yin and yang I'm not an expert in Chinese philosophy.
So one has to do with the yin and one has to do with yang so in the Chinese philosophical system yen is on the side of the energetic force which has to do with kind of just being with things as we are. It's more of a yielding a nurturing soft energy and yan is more of a form of energy which acts in the world right so it's forceful it's more hard, it's more goal oriented. And the idea and the symbol of yin and is that the to always go together and they always need to be in balance. And in fact, you might say, What defines ill health is when getting young are not in balance.
And so the yin and yang energies are also part of self compassion and have different answers to that question. What do I need right So sometimes what we need, especially if we're feeling badly about ourselves or they're just some, you know, really difficult situation like your child gets diagnosed with autism. Sometimes what we need is is tender self compassion or human self compassion and this side of self compassion is just what allows us to be with ourselves as we are, you know, in all our imperfection in all our brokenness.
Its kind of like I have this picture of a parent, the father with his child. When you're a parent to a newborn, your child might be screaming their head off. You don't care. You know, you just hold that child and you just rock that child and you just love that child exactly as they are. And eventually they start to calm down, they start to feel safe and they start to feel accepted. So this is what we do with ourselves, to be with ourselves as we are. And when we're feeling difficult emotions we kind of soothe ourselves, we comfort ourselves, we assure ourselves, we aren't alone. It's not just us. And this is actually the aspect of self compassion that allows us to heal. Right. It's very important. It's kind of an in a way that the key healing force of self compassion.
And so the three components of self compassion, kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. They take a different form with with tender self compassion. So with kindness. It's about soothing and comforting ourselves. With common humanity. Again, it's about kind of reassuring ourselves that we aren't alone.
With mindfulness. It's about not only being present with but also validating our pain really, you know, honoring the fact that this is hard right now. You know, I'm really struggling, I need to tend to myself. And so the three components of self compassion in the in this tender form. Feel like loving connected presence. So the kindness is loving common humanity is connected in mindfulness is presence. And it's really kind of evocative of what it feels like, you know, again, sometimes when we asked ourselves, What do I need, sometimes the answers I need loving connected presence. It's a very kind of nurturing soft accepting energy But if you're in your apartment and the apartment next door is just caught on fire. And there's a big fire in the building. You don't want to just sit down and say to yourself: It is so hard for me right now. You don't want to just be with yourself as you are. Sometimes what we need is to take action and to do something to alleviate our suffering. And this is kind of the flip side of self compassion, which I like to call fierce self compassion..
So you might say if tender self compassion is like mama rock inner child fear self compassion is like mama bear who can be very fears in terms of protecting her children and providing for her for her cabinet or children her cubs are doing something to keep what she cares about safe. And so this is the young side of self compassion, the really powerful active site of self compassion. There are many forms that these actions can take, but the three main forms are, you know, protecting ourselves from harm and saying nom is sometimes what we need to do to have compassion is to say no, that's not okay you're doing this. Not okay, so plaease stop. 00:34:20 That's form of self compassion and providing for ourselves,. We need to say yes to ourselves: I'm sorry, I can't help you he way you want me to because I need to do something to meet my own needs. I have to actively value myself, value my own needs and take steps to meet them.
And also motivating change. So again, self compassion isn't always about acceptance. Sometimes we need to change something, and take steps to change it. And so this is really I'm taking action to alleviate suffering.
So fear self compassion that the three components, you know, kindness, means we kind of bravely protect ourselves so we draw boundaries. We were brave, we're out there in the world recreate jus To alleviate are suffering and common humanity. Now in this case what common humanity is not only reassures ourselves that we aren't alone, it empowers ourselves and empowers us to know that we aren't alone. 00:35:20 And if you look at like the me to movement or the Black Lives Matter movement. 00:35:24 This is really, I see this as the arising of fear self compassion, you know, instead of feeling like isolated or shamed or, or, like, I can't do anything because it's just me. 00:35:34 When we look around to you know to our brothers and sisters and we say, Hey, you know, it's not just me that I am part of humanity humanity needs to be respected. 00:35:44 This is actually an empowering aspect of self compassion. So we find strength and numbers and then mindfulness. In this case, it's really about seeing clearly 00:35:54 You know. So mindfulness does more than just accept things as they are in the present moment. Mindfulness also cut through all the BS in the world that says, oh, you know, you know, it's 00:36:06 Kind of like the micro aggressions are the things maybe the ways people treated unfairly. It doesn't accept injustice and actually sees injustice, as it is and actually calls it out. 00:36:18 And also another aspect of this isn't seeing clearly is, you know, really seeing clearly what is it this right for me. 00:36:25 What's authentic for me. Just because you're telling me I should want or need this. Maybe it's not right for me. So mindfulness allows us to kind of wake up and see clearly what is 00:36:37 So again, fear self compassion feels very different than tender self compassion. It feels like brave empowered clarity. 00:36:45 Okay, so I'm going to come back to this in a moment. Oh, yeah. Before I just want to say 00:36:52 Remember that union young always need to be integrated right and so when fears and tender self compassion are integrated and combined 00:37:00 It create something that I like to help caring force. Right. It's a force in the world is powerful, but it's a caring for us. 00:37:08 And actually if you look at some of the great social justice leaders of the 20th century, they all ascribe to this balance of yin and yang, you know, the idea of love and power go hand in hand to make change. 00:37:22 So like I said, I'm going to come back to that a little bit later but and I just want to talk a little bit about the research and then I'm going to come back to the caring force idea just very briefly, just so you know that I'm not full of who we 00:37:36 Are not just making all this up the idea of the power of self compassion. It's empirically supported on at this point there's well over 3000 studies examining self compassion, the research is just exploding. 00:37:49 Just so you know, how do we do research on self compassion. 00:37:52 Well, one way is we actually measure people's levels of self compassion with the scale I developed a long time ago. 00:37:59 If you're interested in measuring your level of self compassion. If you go to my website just Google self compassion, you'll find me. You can actually take the scale can get a score. Are you higher low 00:38:09 Other ways we induce a self compassionate mood or we train people to be self compassionate and see how it changes their behavior. 00:38:17 And so basically what we know is it self compassion is is very strongly linked to wellbeing. Okay, so it's linked to reductions and negative states of mind, things like Shane depression, stress. 00:38:29 I don't have this up there but suicidal ideation right also increases and things like a life satisfaction happiness on also physical improvements, things like enhanced immune function so self compassion is linked to better physical and mental well being. 00:38:46 But a lot of misunderstandings stem. I think from the fact that people don't understand the fear side of self compassion. Right. And so again, there's research to support the fact 00:38:57 That not only does self compassion have this kind of young tender side. It also has a fierce active side. 00:39:04 So for instance, a lot of people think that self compassion is weak because they only see it soft inside what the research shows 00:39:13 Is it self compassion is linked to enormous strength and resilience. Right. So basically, when the going gets tough. 00:39:22 The tough to get self compassionate are much more likely to cope and get through a difficult situation. So whether it's things like dealing with combat trauma or divorce. 00:39:33 Chronic Pain dealing with special, special needs kids. I mean, any really traumatic or difficult experience. 00:39:40 What we know is that people who are more self compassionate are much more able to get through it without developing things like post traumatic stress syndrome. They're much more able to cope 00:39:51 A study we did that people did of veterans coming back from combat in Iraq and Afghanistan down, they are not only had less PTSD, but we're less likely to attempt suicide, for instance, so self compassion makes you stronger when times are tough. 00:40:08 And that kind of related to the idea that it's that self compassion is weak, the idea that it's kind of just in the idea that self indulgent is being soft on yourself. Right. 00:40:18 It's not being soft on yourself. If you care about yourself and you don't want to suffer. You're going to do things you can do at things actively 00:40:26 To make sure you're healthy like exercise, go to the doctor practice safe sex you know say no to alcohol. Again, because if you care about yourself. It doesn't mean accepting unhealthy behaviors. It actually means changing them and making them healthier. 00:40:41 And sometimes people think that it's selfish right self compassion is just giving to yourself, me, me, me. 00:40:48 And quite the opposite, right. So again, when you're more concerned with yourself. It means you can be more concerned with others. 00:40:55 So for instance, people have more supportive relationship behavior, they're more able to take others perspective, they're more willing to compromise when there's conflicts, right. 00:41:07 But the number one block. We know from the research, the number one block to self compassion is the belief that is going to undermine your motivation. 00:41:16 You know, people really think that they need to be hard on themselves to reach the goals to succeed in life, whether it's in business or any other realm of life. 00:41:26 It ain't so. What we know is that self compassion is a more powerful motivator than self criticism. 00:41:35 Okay, so first of all, just to know, you know, the standards of people who have higher and self compassion. They're just as high as those who are self critical 00:41:43 If you care about yourself. You're going to want to reach your dreams. You're going to want to meet your goals. The huge difference is what happens when you fail to meet your goals. When you come up a little short 00:41:54 So people who are very self critical often just, you know, slammed themselves shame themselves. And what that can do is it can lead to fear failure. 00:42:02 It can lead to performance anxiety, it can lead to eventually giving up right 00:42:07 So people who are self compassionate they you know it's okay to fail when it's okay to fail. That means you can learn from your failures. It means you can grow from your failure failures. 00:42:17 Means you have less fear of failure and you're more likely to kind of pick yourself up, pick yourself up and try again. 00:42:26 Alright, so I want to talk a little bit about self compassion and anger, especially fierce self compassion anger and anger. Right. 00:42:36 So anger gets kind of a bad rap in the well being world and mindfulness world. It's kind of always something where, you know, meditating, so we don't get overtaken by anger. 00:42:47 So I would like to argue that when anger is properly harnessed right like it is in fear self compassion anger can actually be quite a positive force in the world. 00:42:59 So this is a picture of Kali. Some of you may have seen this picture before she's a Hindu goddess and she is wearing severed heads as a necklace. You've got severed arms. 00:43:09 So Kali is a force of destruction. But why do people Revere her because what she destroys is illusion. 00:43:19 Particularly the illusion of separation. Right. And so this is kind of where fear self compassion can come in fear self compassion. 00:43:28 Can call things out when they're harming and someone's being harmed. 00:43:33 Or in someone's being treated unjustly. It's this force is this is real, you know, fierce mama bear energy and then love the fact that it's a female energy because it breaks all the gender stereotypes. 00:43:44 But I think most women they know mama bear. They know Kali they've had access to it, they've been taught to suppress it 00:43:51 But in fact, this can be one one properly harness it can be a force for good in the world. So what are the gifts of anger. First of all, 00:44:01 It gives incredible focus on when there's some sort of threat or some sort of injustice being done. So just to tell you a little story. 00:44:11 You know, one of the, you might say downsides of being a successful self compassion researcher, you know, I'm probably a more publications and anyone else in the field is that I'm also a target. 00:44:22 And so someone wrote an article about myself compassion words someone I've been having a debate with we disagree about how the scale is used 00:44:30 And I wouldn't agree with them and I wouldn't agree with them. And so finally, he wrote an article saying that because I don't agree with them. I must be biased unscientific an unethical. 00:44:44 I was furious. I was so furious that in three days. I wrote a 32 page response. 00:44:51 To his article which kicked ass. I have to admit, I think it did. Anyway, but I got it published within three days, you know, and I'm sure many of you have stories like this you know sometimes when we're angry, especially angry editing justice. 00:45:04 It provides us incredible focus incredible motivation to do something about it. 00:45:09 That's a gift that we shouldn't like, you know, we shouldn't take for granted is a real gift. So energizes us. It also suppresses the fear response right we were really angry. We aren't so worried, we're actually able to be bold. Be courageous. 00:45:25 It communicates that something's wrong, you know, to ourselves and to other people. And it also provides a sense of power. You know when you're angry, you're back is straight, and it's tall and it can be empowering. So these are all gifts of anger. 00:45:39 And having said that, of course, anger, can be destructive or constructive, right, it can be harnessed for good things, but it can also be caused a lot of damage and relationships to other people. So what's the difference between destructive and construct and constructive anger. 00:45:57 So destructive anger is when it's focused on a person 00:46:01 Rather than a threat right so in that article I wrote, I didn't just like call the person who wrote the article names. 00:46:08 I was just about the facts. It was all about the empirical evidence right it was about what I felt was the injustice of the attack. It wasn't personal in any way, which would have been completely counterproductive. 00:46:20 So a destructive anger tends to be ego defensive. Right, so about protecting my ego, as opposed to, again, focused on the harm or and justice being done. 00:46:29 It seeks to retaliate or harm. The first one is easier angry at as opposed to just fixing the injustice. 00:46:37 Is reactive and doesn't see clearly that's, again, because it's it's tied up with our ego. Remember Kali destroys the sense of separate self Kali is working in favor 00:46:49 Of releasing the sense of separate self and anger. So in Cali has harnessed for good. She's not about defending our ego. She's just about seeing truth. Okay. 00:46:59 And so when its destructive. We don't see truth, we're just seeing our ego. And then, and also the problem with destructive anger is when we're defending ourselves that way. 00:47:08 We have no access to that wounds that the wounds that line underneath or anger. Typically, our anger is protecting ourselves against feeling wounded in some way. And if we're just waiting reactive anger. We have no ability to see our wounds and therefore to tend to them as well. 00:47:25 Constructed anger. On the other hand, again, it's focused on the threat that the person is not ego involved seeks repair harm. It's not reactive 00:47:34 And this is where the yin and the young comes in. Right. So when we're using young self compassion is a form of anger. We also have access to the yen, the kind of tender nurturing side of compassion, which can heal the underlying wounds that the young anger is protecting 00:47:52 Okay, so get there's not there's not a lot of research on self compassion anger. I wish there were more, but the little that there is kind of supports the idea 00:48:01 That it leads to more constructive anger. Right. So on people who are self compassionate when they're angry. 00:48:06 They're less likely to be fixated or last reactive in the anger, the less likely to be aggressive when they're angry. 00:48:13 And they're more assertive and they feel more comfortable expressing their anger to others and kind of healthy ways and they feel stronger and more competent 00:48:21 And also people who are more self compassionate when they get angry. 00:48:26 Are more aware of cultural discrimination and more committed to social activism. So again, this kind of suggests that what self compassion can do with anger is harnessed with this fear self compassion, we can harness the energy of anger. 00:48:41 Actually do good in the world. Right. And so that, and you know, given given the world today. We can all just sit on our cushions and be healthy and be centered and be mindful and be loving towards herself. 00:48:54 And just sit there, you know, we need to take action, because our world is a lot of harms. 00:49:01 Being done all the time and with global warming. We may not even be able to be around and a few decades, so 00:49:08 From my point of view, we need to be able to harness the yang fear side a self compassion for social justice. 00:49:16 So just to kind of point out the ways that we can do this. So first of all fear self compassion, I think, is needed to take action on 00:49:24 But again, it's not just the fear self compassion. It's also the tender self compassion, so 00:49:31 We need to be able to hold the pain of the world in order to be able to act to change the world, right, if we can't deal with it. If you can't see it, what, what's going to happen is we're going to like shield ourselves from it like 00:49:46 There's no systemic racism in our society or, you know, global warming start really happening. 00:49:52 One of the reasons it's hard for us to own up to things like that is because it's so incredibly painful and so incredibly scary. 00:50:00 And so we need the yen self compassion to be able to open up to it is to be with where it is and then we need the young or fear self compassion to actually be motivated to do something about it. Okay. 00:50:14 And again we need both. Because if we aren't there can be problems. For instance, if we have this young fear self compassion without the yen loving connected presence, then without, you know, pretty soon we may think we're acting 00:50:28 To fight and justice, pretty soon we are just being hostile aggressive toward others. 00:50:33 So again, the young, the young and the young always have to be balanced. In other words, we need to have love in our hearts. We need to have our hearts open as we are fighting for change, but at the same time. Yeah. Without young can just lead to complacency. 00:50:49 And here's a great quote by once the king. He says power without love is reckless and abusive and love without power is sentimental and anemic power at best is love implementing that make the demands of justice. 00:51:04 And justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love user avatar Unknown Speaker 00:51:12 Okay. user avatar Kristin Neff 00:51:15 So I just want to make just a couple more points and then I'm going to do a practice. 00:51:22 Some of you may have already had this thought and I kind of mentioned in a little bit already is that the gender. 00:51:29 Gender really messes with our ability to integrate yin and yang. Okay. So, for instance, girls are socialized to be tender and not fierce girls are socialized not to be angry. 00:51:44 People when they see Amanda is angry. It makes them think he's more competent people when they see a woman who's angry and makes them think she's less 00:51:52 Competent so there's lots of social forces against woman's anger and this is one of the forces that actually disempowered women. 00:52:02 Because, again, we need to be. We need to have our fear self compassion flowing in order to claim our power. 00:52:09 So, you know, this is one of the things that's really harms Woman Is it the fact that we we don't have easy access to our fear side because it's been so suppressed and socialization. 00:52:20 But it doesn't just harm woman. It also harms men because men are socialized against being to yen right men are told they shouldn't be soft. 00:52:30 They shouldn't be tender, they shouldn't be sissies right and this harms men because you know the tender side of self compassion is 00:52:39 The power of healing and if men aren't able to access the power to heal themselves or to heal others, you know, the power to just to be with things as they are. 00:52:49 That really harms men as well. So the gender socialization of Union young harms both men and women. And I'm not going to get into even the different gender identities, because it's all messed up the fact that we know we pigeonhole 00:53:03 Some people again. And some people as young when, in fact, the truth is, we all have human Jaan, and we all need to be encouraged to express it in whatever way is authentic and natural for us. And unfortunately, that's not what happens. 00:53:18 And so, you know, both are needed. I really think that the gendering of yin and yang is kind of what helps lock patriarchy in place so kind of at a deep level is contributing to the systemic problems. 00:53:32 And and just, just a little plug for my book that's going to come out in 00:53:37 In should come out in June, called fear self compassion. It's all about. It's actually pretty feminist book is really written for women, men me 00:53:46 Needs this as well. Many yen and I'm not a man is that nice what else things to write this book. This book is just for women how we can draw on self compassion, especially fear self compassion to empower us and fight against some of the gender socialization, which is harmless. 00:54:04 Okay, so that's enough talking. What I want to do now is lead a practice called breathing in and young and what I want to do is I want to stop my share 00:54:19 I can stop sharing my screen. Is there a way I can stop my sharing my screen here, they'll stop share. Okay, good. I don't need that anymore. All right. user avatar Stephany Dano 00:54:27 In the meantime, if you want to like ask question, please put it under Q AMP. A. So we have like few minutes in the end. user avatar Kristin Neff 00:54:33 Right, so I'm just going to take a few minutes of this practice and then I'm going to do some Q AMP. A and it's also just 00:54:40 For me to be able to come down because I get very excited when I present these ideas, it's funny when I talk about fear self compassion, you can like see the young energy flowing up my spine. 00:54:50 It is activating and empowering. Okay, so What I'd like to do is just do a little practice where we can try to integrate some of this yin and yang energy Okay, so just relax kind of settle into your body. Just start to notice your breath. And particularly notice your in breath. Alright, so just noticing how a breathe in breath, you're actually nurturing your body you're nourishing it with the oxygen it needs to survive. Just noticing with each inhalation. You're nourishing your body, you're nourishing yourselves. And so along with that nourishment, you might imagine, that you're breathing in loving connected presence, you're breathing in tender yin energy Just letting it fill you up If you want, you can imagine the soft golden light filling your body on the in breath. Okay. So take a deep breath in. Now, and hold it for a moment. Hold it. And release exhale OK, so now start to focus on your out breath. Alright, so this is the kind of this this connection out into the world. And as we, read that I'd like you to imagine that your young energy is flowing. So this is more of a forceful active energy starting at the base of your spine going up your spine. So maybe sitting up tall. Breathe imagining connecting to the world. You might imagine as you're breathing. Now you're breathing out brave and empowered . This is the power that allows you to go out into the world to change the world. If you like, you might imagine a very bright white light rising up in your spine and then leaving with each exhalation out into the world. This bright light Yang energy light. Okay. And so now bring both breath together So breathing in and breathing out now and allowing the energies of yin and yan to mingle to integrate in your body. You can imagine the white and the golden light mixing merging integrating Allowing the yin loving connected presence to fill you up And the young fierce empowered clarity to flow through you out into the world. So really just consciously inviting the yin and the yang to merge and integrate within you. Claiming both sides of your nature. peers and tender. When you're ready, open your eyes.
So that was just a few moments of that that's actually the practice I do mainly these days. When I meditate. I consciously invite the two energies. Union Yang. Some people call it masculine and feminine. I kind of don't like those terms because they're so gender right union Yang gets away from the idea of masculine and feminine, but really this merging and integrating Integrag user avatar Kristin Neff 01:02:19 That's the type of practice. I do to do that. 01:02:24 So yeah, I'd love to take questions. user avatar Stephany Dano 01:02:28 How can we be aware of that thin line between being self compassionate while setting boundaries and being empathetic towards the other party and address his or her needs.
Right. And so it really is a matter of wisdom. I mean, I can't tell you from the outside. There's no like one magic formula to to discover this One way to know if meeting someone's needs is authentic for you is just asking yourself when you do so, do you feel drained and depleted. Or do you feel energized, and it's really authentic for us. We really want to give and it's something you really care about this person The meeting their needs will feel energizing to us. Right. And if we're doing it kind of because we think we have to because we're supposed to That it's going to feel draining and being depleted. And so it's not to say that we can only do things for others when it energizes us is all about balance. You know, we may be a parent during maybe an employee and sometimes we just have to suck it up. Do things we don't like to do or want to do, it is all about balance The really important thing is actually just pausing to ask yourself what it is I need ? Maybe you think you need rest. But actually, maybe rest isn't what you need, maybe what you need is just a little kindness, a little validation, which you can give yourself. And then that means you can do whatever is requested of you. First of all, I think it's really important to recognize that meeting our own needs is part of self compassion. Meeting others needs is also part of compassion, because if we care about ourselves, then we want to have good relationships with others, which also means we need to care about others as well. So it's kind of all mixed in there together.
Could you give an example of a self compassion practice that might help in a situation of shame exactly at the moment when it happens. You might say, the three components of self compassion are kind of the recipe. It's like the cookbook.
For self compassion and and we teach something called the self compassion break. You can go on my website. If you go to self compassion org I've a little
MP3. You can listen to it. So basically, the three components of self compassion or the direct antidote to shame. So with Shame. First of all, we feel that we get lost. We get identified with what's happened. Instead of, you know, I did something bad. I am bad we get identified with it. And we are usually very, very harsh with ourselves and we usually feel completely isolated and cut off for the rest of humanity. And if you think of what self compassion does we're mindful instead of feeling over identify the set of feeling lost in the storyline, we're mindful, we have space. We remember our common humanity as opposed to feeling isolated and we're kind of supportive as opposed to being judgmental. So it really is exactly what we need, when we're feeling shame. And so usually the first step is self compassion. It helps on to be to be mindful of the pain. So, you know, so if you're feeling shame if you notice you feeling shame I would advise you can focus on the pain of shame. Wow. It really hurts to feel shame. So kind of get out of the storyline of what happened at my bad person, you know, the kind of storyline, or the drama of what's happening and just feel the pain of the shame. Be aware of it mindfully. And then remember that you aren't alone. The irony is, we feel we're all alone, and yet you know they're probably 4 billion people. Everyone every single one of us feel shame at some moments and at that particular moment there are probably 10s of hundreds and millions and a feeling shame in that exact same moment so shame is actually it's not something that's unique to us. Everyone feels shame is actually we actually evolved to feel shame because it helps us. It helps us to be connected to the social group. If you think about actually what underlies Shame. Shame is just the desire to be loved. Right, it's really an innocent emotion. Of course, we want to be loved. And you can see evolutionarily Shame was adaptive because those babies who wanted to be loved are more likely to participate in their social group People who have no shame or psychopaths, that's not good for evolution either so shame is is a natural emotion. Right. We just want to be loved. So we aren't alone. At first hurts to feel this way. I'm not alone. And then see the kindness. Right, so it can really help to use some sort of like physical touch. Hands on your heart or, you know, some place that feels soothing. Your physical touch works in two ways. One, it kind of reminds you, that you aren't alone because you actually feel your own touch. And actually you feel less alone and also works with the level of physiology, you're activating your parasympathetic nervous system. You're activating the parasympathetic nervous system. We know what self compassion reduces cortisol. Increases things like heart rate variability is that activates the parasympathetic and then you just, you can just ask yourself the question, What would I say to a dear friend who is experiencing the exact same thing, that I'm experiencing right now Right, you probably wont to tell your friend. Oh, you deserve it. You probably wouldn't say that to your friend. Right. What would you say to your friend, you probably say to your friend: Hey, yeah, okay, you made a mistake, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. There are lots of reasons for this. I care about you. You naturally say those things to friend, so you can say those things to yourself. And so it's called the self compassion break and you can find it on my website
How can we get really clear on reactive anger versus fear self compassionate anger.
And one of the reasons I'm writing this book is because I'm actually I actually struggle with it. I tend to be by nature a reactive person right And, you know, part of it was like for years and years feeling so badly about my reactivity when I finally said, wait a second.
This fear is a good thing. My fierceness is really good quality. I'm not going to be ashamed of this anymore. You know, and so really just honoree I'm featured Cali and my bedroom, you know, is kind of just really honoring that side of me. Yeah. And so it is tough. The reason it's tough is because, when you're in reactivity. It's hard to be mindful-
With mindfulness does help to know the difference I've got a little better over the years. So when I get an email or I find out something that's kind of really pissed me off and and you know I might be taking it personally. I can kind of feel it in my body. It's like hard to describe. But I can. I've learned to sense the sensation in my body, kind of like filled with this kind of I have a feeling I can't even describe it. And so what I've learned to do, is I write my email that I want to write. And then I send it to a friend. who knows about me and they say, send this to us. I don't send the person any feedback. And then ater doing that I am immediately able to write a more normal email, that's not so offensive and reactive and that is not gonna destroy relationship. So you could just see if you, if you think about it, you can usually LEARN TO FEEL THE SIGNS. YOU KNOW, I helped me tell you something for me though made the difference Because kind of laboring under the illusion that this fear side of me this angry. Sorry. To me, that was with something bad. It was almost like it tried to trick me this part of me like took over the system because it was afraid of being shut down. 01:11:54 You know, it's kind of, I know it seems kind of hard to talk about. But psychologically. It kind of makes sense, We dont want to be shut down so I wanted to get the anger out before the rational part of me can say, oh, don't be so angry. So it was only after a practice really honoring my anger and really seeing the all the great things brought me and honoring my fierceness I'm not just going to be shut down. And then that trust actually gives me more ability to be aware of when I'm angry because it doesn't have to take over the entire system. But, you know, having said that, it is very tricky and I'm not the best person in the world. I'm still in in work in progress on that one