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Post by wolfmother on Sept 15, 2020 17:08:12 GMT
I broke up with my partner of 1.7 years the other day, and I am feeling so bereft. We broke up due to an erosion of trust over time because he had made comments that made me feel like sexually, I was inadequate, and he had needs that I felt were out of my comfort zone. He came to our relationship having had two relationships where he pretty much got to live out his kinks every time... which, I'm open-minded but that regular expectation feels uncomfortable for me, and who even knows if I want to commit to sex like that on a regular basis later down the line? I really tried to compromise and busted my own boundaries in the process trying to meet his needs, and he tried to make me feel better and make out he didn't need those things, but the damage to my self esteem and ability to trust in the longevity of the relationship seems like it was already done and maybe irreversible. He had already said he didn't know if he could be with someone if he couldn't do certain things to them. He already told me who he is. Last time we spoke about it, he said that connection was the most important thing to me and that he was having the best sex with me. I said that he could find someone else that wanted what he does who he also connects with. He said something along the lines of the fact that he could meet someone else he's more sexually compatible with but he'd rather have what we have... but I don't want to feel like a compromise. From the first time we slept together, it just seemed like he was pretty selfish in the bedroom in a way where he expected certain things, and regularly. I don't think that's how it should work. And now it just feels too late, and like there's this mistrust that's seeped in.
I feel desperately sad... he was my best friend. We are now no contact. Has anyone else gone through anything like this before?
I'm so god damn sad.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 20, 2020 6:36:43 GMT
Leaving a relationship can make you sad. If it was not good for you /because you are not compatible in different areas/ because you have compromised yourself / because you grew apart / because you thought you were going to grow old together with this man / because you overhaered red flags / deal-breakers/ because of lost opportunities ect... All of this can also make you sad -. very- that's understandeble. There's often something that was also good in the relationship, otherwise you properly wouldn't have been together with the person. (You write that you were good friends). You can try to write down the things that were good and the things that were bad in the relationship. And you can rewrite your relationship: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2544/exercise-rewrite-challenging-relationships"From the first time we slept together, it just seemed like he was pretty selfish in the bedroom in a way where he expected certain things, and regularly. I don't think that's how it should work...." So you carried on with the relationship even if you noticed some of your own boundaries ? Compromising/doing something that you do not like, can make you recentfull. It can also damage your selfworth. Also if you don't feel seen, heard and understood. Give yourself time to mourn while keeping in mind that you were not a fit sexually. (as I understand your post) Compromising on some of your deal-breakers or core values can drain your lifeenergy. Also compromising about sex can be a bad thing. Maybe you are not only sad but also angry ? (It could be that you are angry that you felt that he didn't respected your wishes about sex ect ?) Some with ap style can confuse sadness with anger. ....(there's a two chair anger exercise in the generel forum inspired by Leonard Jacobsen and a SE attatchment teacher). Dont turn the anger towards yourself. Doing this exercise can help you to get in touch with your healthy anger/your lifeenergy. It can help you to get back into your own power jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/Leaving something is also setting a boundarie. Sometimes sexual differences is just something that can't be compromised. Getting your sexual/physical boundaries crossed can be damaging to yourself as a female. You can write down how a good sexual relationship is for you. You can try to visualise it so that you can get in touch with the felt sence, like if you are almost experiencing it right now in the precent moment. Getting clear on your deal-breakers, values, wants and needs in a future relationship It can be part of your lovevision for a good relationship. You can read about how to do this in meeting your future partner thread (secure discussion forum). jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1852/prepare-create-future-relationshipMore input about sex: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2718/sexual-blueprint-attatchmentstyles The way I read your post is, that you've got in contact with yourself and stood up for you, by ending the relationship. You go girl ! |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Sept 20, 2020 23:17:13 GMT
I broke up with my partner of 1.7 years the other day, and I am feeling so bereft. We broke up due to an erosion of trust over time because he had made comments that made me feel like sexually, I was inadequate, and he had needs that I felt were out of my comfort zone. He came to our relationship having had two relationships where he pretty much got to live out his kinks every time... which, I'm open-minded but that regular expectation feels uncomfortable for me, and who even knows if I want to commit to sex like that on a regular basis later down the line? I really tried to compromise and busted my own boundaries in the process trying to meet his needs, and he tried to make me feel better and make out he didn't need those things, but the damage to my self esteem and ability to trust in the longevity of the relationship seems like it was already done and maybe irreversible. He had already said he didn't know if he could be with someone if he couldn't do certain things to them. He already told me who he is. Last time we spoke about it, he said that connection was the most important thing to me and that he was having the best sex with me. I said that he could find someone else that wanted what he does who he also connects with. He said something along the lines of the fact that he could meet someone else he's more sexually compatible with but he'd rather have what we have... but I don't want to feel like a compromise. From the first time we slept together, it just seemed like he was pretty selfish in the bedroom in a way where he expected certain things, and regularly. I don't think that's how it should work. And now it just feels too late, and like there's this mistrust that's seeped in.
I feel desperately sad... he was my best friend. We are now no contact. Has anyone else gone through anything like this before?
I'm so god damn sad.
Wolf not to upset you further, just something to think about in future perhaps. Look I and my last partner, we're both "secure" always talked, and we had chats about this within first few months and over the course of the relationship. She was that solid of a person, I compromised on it, and our general chatting as well. ie "Emotional connection", it's not just sex, it's general chat. And it was the major reason I called it off in the end. She was a very very busy person, had a management role running 2400 people, was "live to work" type, hence why she's single at age 41. Lovely person, I respected her tremendously, still do. But this aspect is very important for both sexes, and i'm not talking anything other than baseline sex here, frequency, some sensuality etc (i'm leaving anal, bdsm and kinks etc out of it all, I presume this is where you are coming from though, also something to be aware of "kinks" are intertwined with attachment), if that's not there, it's gonna be difficult. I would take heed of your gut feel next time, I know it's hard to walk away, you may like them for other reasons (if insecure, you may be literally trauma/fantasy bonding, something else to be mindful of in relation to all this as well imao), if that isn;t being met and you feel uncomfortable, then you aren't compatible...sadly. This statement in particular "From the first time we slept together, it just seemed like he was pretty selfish in the bedroom in a way where he expected certain things, and regularly", and so did he satiate you? Or are you doing all the "giving"? And if it's the later, screw him imao. 2 way street a relationship, not a one way street, complimentary, remember that. One would have to ask if this permeated into other aspects of your relationship, it maybe worth thinking about that, and baseline compatibility, as many pine over just the "abandonment" not the actual person themselves. I think you'll find in time, once the fog clears, you'll realise he wasn't a good fit for you. |
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Post by mrob on Sept 28, 2020 15:22:44 GMT
also something to be aware of "kinks" are intertwined with attachment. Absolutely. I was just thinking about this today. Kinks as the way of actually acting out insecure attachment. Throws a whole new light onto the kink scene. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 28, 2020 15:34:37 GMT
also something to be aware of "kinks" are intertwined with attachment. Absolutely. I was just thinking about this today. Kinks as the way of actually acting out insecure attachment. Throws a whole new light onto the kink scene. Kinks as in fetishes? |
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Post by mrob on Sept 29, 2020 11:14:24 GMT
Yes, the power and dynamic related kinks/fetishes.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Sept 29, 2020 23:02:54 GMT
also something to be aware of "kinks" are intertwined with attachment. Absolutely. I was just thinking about this today. Kinks as the way of actually acting out insecure attachment. Throws a whole new light onto the kink scene. An example is Liberty Cairde, on youtube, has talked about it and exploring the link. She was sexually abused when younger, she's into BDSM as an example only. |
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