seeking, sounds like he's been triggered anxious, and I believe I'd said early he has some control issues. Now he's lost control and doesn't know how to cope... buying you a shirt after a breakup is really strange :/ I'm sorry about this, but if it's not the situation for you, you did the right thing by telling him clearly and directly that it was over and closing the door. Send him back his tools, and you don't owe him anything further.
I deleted a lot of my posts from above. Thanks again to everyone for supporting me. I dove into some deep inner work through writing and somatic experiencing.
I'm still confused. I'm learning about addiction.
I still have no real idea what happened in this last go-around with someone. Tonight, journaling, I wrote: Was this love and I coldly pushed him away only to try to re-connect with someone who can only give me "just enough" - but that's not true. I had problems with this guy.
But I did reach out to the first guy from back in the spring that started me on this whole journey - that triggered that old (anxious) pain. Amazing how avoidant I can be with one person and seeking-anxious with another. I'm not anxious with him now. I see it for what it is. No idea if he'll write back (he did the first day, but then said his mantra "I'm calling it an early night.") - I think he drinks. I think that's what "calling it an early night" means. And I just lost interest. He might write again. Who knows. Don't care.
I'm more interested in my extremes - And thinking now that I'm finding some balance, and that feels good. I'm observing myself wanting to reconnect to an ex who just moved to my town. He's hot. Fantasizing about just a certain kind of connection. Not that that is what I want - but he's non-monogamous. Annoying that I'd even think about that. Or be so drawn-to/interested-in him.
Really wondering how my ex who has been an extreme avoidant (even with his own daughter - ours) and is a covert narc, has managed to have a stable relationship for 3+ years now and seems to just have a really normal life.
Ugh. This guy just keeps writing to me and "pouring his heart out" to me. It's so raw. He doesn't seem to be getting the message. Is in denial that it's over. I'm starting to become afraid again that he's not going to be able to cope with it.
seeking, this means he was never secure to begin with. It isn't your responsibility to emotionally regulate him as long as you were honest and communicated directly, which it sounds like you did. He's a grown man and needs to be able to cope maturely if he's to be a good partner to anyone. It's okay for you to have strong boundaries here and move on. It's in fact better if you stay consistent, as long as he doesn't pose any issue to your safety.
Thanks, Alexandra, that's what I'm thinking. If I had such a strong avoidant shut down, I don't think he could have been operating from a secure place.
I'm not overly concerned about safety. But I'm afraid of when he finally "gets it" what he'd do. I'm not responding to this last email yet, I'm concerned his next step would be to like show up at my house, so not sure...