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Post by seeking on Oct 11, 2020 18:19:26 GMT
seeking , have you mentioned that your career is really important to you and you enjoy talking about it and asked if he is interesting in learning more? Are you primarily texting with each other? Sometimes people are awkward texters and it's easier to have conversations about most topics in person. It sounds like you're wanting him to do a lot of guess work and are assuming he should just know to ask you stuff but maybe he really just doesn't know. It's also possible it's not a strong enough connection, but it sounds more to me from what you're saying that you've deactivated somewhat the last several days so I encourage you to try to communicate these needs a bit more before you shift focus, distance, or give up. I also don't think the whole settling for a partner to just be there is a good strategy. It's actually part of the insecure mindset, in my opinion having been there myself and being in a different place now. Stemming, in part, from not feeling whole enough on your own and looking at a partner a bit transactionally for fulfilling needs you may have trouble with feeling good about on your own. Instead of feeling content with life first then finding a partner to make it even better. Different mindsets. I have said this a few times. One time, I said in text, early on "I'm super passionate about my work and raising my daughter." And he said "What about me?" (with kind of a cute emoticon). I've said it prob. 3 more times since then "I love my work." "I'm such a nerd, I can spend lots of time studying this, I love this so much." etc. Nothing. Maybe I'm sensing is that he's afraid there will be no room for him? Obviously, he said as much. I even read him parts of polyvagal theory in my car on our first date! Lol (I was reading it waiting for him and I showed him a few things that I thought were profound and kind of wanted to share) and there wasn't much reaction. Though later he did say something about himself (like he made a connection with something I said. And he did recently ask to have perspective on his boss with my input (her personality). So I'm hanging on to those little threads, and hopeful! |
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Post by seeking on Oct 11, 2020 18:24:41 GMT
"It's also possible it's not a strong enough connection, but it sounds more to me from what you're saying that you've deactivated somewhat the last several days so I encourage you to try to communicate these needs a bit more before you shift focus, distance, or give up."
-- Yes, this is exactly it, but I'm curious what the word "deactivated" means here.
And I thought about this too - like oh, this is my chance to speak up about my needs! But I don't quite know how. It feels self-ish or weird and a little kind of robotic.
I also don't think the whole settling for a partner to just be there is a good strategy. It's actually part of the insecure mindset, in my opinion having been there myself and being in a different place now. Stemming, in part, from not feeling whole enough on your own and looking at a partner a bit transactionally for fulfilling needs you may have trouble with feeling good about on your own. Instead of feeling content with life first then finding a partner to make it even better. Different mindsets.
-- I don't know if you're referring back to the "marry him" thing I mentioned, or me saying something personally about this - but based on what I just wrote about - how I like my life and just wanted a witness, I'm curious how I can give this to myself more? If that makes sense. This is what I feel like I need most from someone. I get kind of tired of it just through having a therapist....
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Post by seeking on Oct 12, 2020 13:16:13 GMT
by comparison, a good friend texted me last night and said "how is the training?" and then I was able to share a few things with him.
date - guy? He wrote that he was thinking about me. And to "ping" him if I had a moment to breathe. I didn't. So I texted instead. He was like, "Are you going to bed soon?" And I took a photo of the powerpoint slide in front of me and said "This is what I'm doing." And "Oh, only 2 more days."
Not "Oh that looks interesting." Which I guess is fine. I may not have done that with him. Or I may have said the same. It doesn't mean anything.
But a thought did go through my mind this morning about how much my work has become a part of me. It's a huge part of me. And so I guess time will tell.
But basically we texted about his sprained finger and I helped him with that.
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Post by serenity on Oct 12, 2020 19:06:32 GMT
Hi Seeking,
I can relate to the work part. Its a big part of my life too, and I connect to people most securely through it. I guess I derive security from being seen as not just a woman, but also as who I am inside, and what I do. Work is somewhere I feel appreciated and competent most of the time. I can forget my feelings of being thrown away as a woman, and all the things that make me feel vulnerable. I get judged for my work and my professionalism only, and those are things I feel good about.
I think I understand your concerns about your new dating partner. His lack of passionate interest in your work forces you to relate to him as a woman mainly. The one who was thrown away not that long ago, and perhaps at other times by people you trusted. This is a very scary thing, especially when you compare it to the security of friendships with colleagues.
Maybe you're not ready to have a conversation with him about this yet, and maybe you shouldn't until you trust him more. Perhaps just keep in mind how scared you really are, and this could be an opportunity for healing, if allow yourself to be loved as a woman again?. You likely need more time before you would feel ready to give yourself over like that, and its okay to let him know that too.
Hugs. I know this is scary.
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Post by serenity on Oct 12, 2020 22:25:26 GMT
I think I know what you mean. You don't want the kind of partner whose attitude to the things you care most about to be "that's nice honey, good luck with that". You need some involvement, and yet its awkward because its likely a bit too soon to ask for it? So you're feeling him out instead, doing your best to make good judgments with not enough information.
I feel you're very smart and thoughtful, and will make the best decision. You don't have to make it right away, just keeping asking the questions you need to ask. Sending love!
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Post by alexandra on Oct 12, 2020 22:33:43 GMT
How long have you been dating this man? While it definitely sounds to me like his comment about kids triggered you (so deactivation to me in this case means your FA side wanting to create distance because now you don't feel that the connection is entirely safe), pertaining to your stuff about work etc.... in my experience and opinion, this may have to do with trust not being earned yet on both sides. And what I mean by this is, if you haven't known each other long, it may feel intrusive to him to get involved and curious about your work and your family because he almost doesn't have the right to do this yet. I know a lot of people are protective about their kids around new partners, and they want to make sure there's a strong connection before any introductions (for example) in order to shield the child(ren) from getting potentially attached to a new parental figure who won't be sticking around. I haven't dated men with kids, but for me, I think I'd be treading pretty lightly about their children until they invited me in more. I'm sure I'd ask kind of basic and superficial questions about them and how they're doing, but I don't want to feel like I'm intruding until we know each other better and are more firm and clear about what we are. In fact, I have specifically told men with kids I wouldn't date them because I had possible plans to move a significant distance away to be closer to family and I feel that would be totally unfair if things went anywhere -- men have argued with me about this which is a turn-off because I feel like they aren't prioritizing the kids enough. But anyway, that's a tangent, but in relation to your situation my point is you both may need more time before he feels more comfortable getting involved with your family in any real way. And as difficult as it is, whether you feel "ready" or not, to get over triggering like that requires communication and you basically asking him more about what he meant by that comment (versus making assumptions and shying away) and telling him what you need and are looking for in regards to how a new partner might view your relationship, and their potential relationship, with your child.
That all being said, I'm a big advocate for trusting your gut too once you've parsed out if your issue is attachment issue projection (ie, it's really your issue projected) or it's a real incompatibility issue / a problem with them. And your gut seems to be saying he's a little standoffish for you. I'm just encouraging you to decide if it's because you haven't had much time to mutually get to know each other yet (because I don't remember how long you've been speaking) and because there's not been enough direct communication about what you each want yet.
In my experience as well, I used to assess whether or not the guy fit my "mold" and think about what he could give me and if he matched my checklist etc. Now I sit back and want to get to know who the person is first, before I get more involved in learning about their family or their job. It's not because I don't care, but it's because wanting to jump into their lives in that way is more about me trying to rush to judgement and look for excuses not to let a connection grow organically. And when I was able to do that as an AP, it's because they were avoidant and I wanted to win them over and alleviate my anxiety and look at them with rose color glasses, and I wasn't truly just trying to get to know who they are and decide if I like them and assess true compatibility along the way. Once I started doing that, which came with me getting more secure in myself and less worried about what a relationship GIVES me because I'm whole on my own and started seeing it as more the "icing on the cake" of a nice life, my romantic relationships improved a LOT and I started meeting and attracting more and more secure guys. Yes, I meant the marry him thing. The only way I have been able to solve for this in my own life is focusing on myself and taking time out in my life to build up my own trust in myself and self-esteem, which I did outside of a dating context while I was single after my first breakup with my longer-term FA ex a few years ago.
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Post by serenity on Oct 13, 2020 18:32:29 GMT
Hugs Seeking. Its hard when you feel so triggered, and this is bringing up a lot vulnerability about not being able to give him children. Sending you tons of love. <3
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Post by alexandra on Oct 14, 2020 7:15:43 GMT
seeking, it sounds like maybe you're seeking a partner with more empathy / higher EQ than he's got. Which, at least for me as well, is pretty important.
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Post by serenity on Oct 15, 2020 21:29:49 GMT
Hi Seeking,
I would imagine he has some fears of his own, and maybe you've hit the nail on the head, when you said they might be about your family. Not just having a child he doesn't know yet, but a problematic ex. And perhaps there are also fears about your feelings for him in general, if there's been some subtle pulling back?
If both of you are starting to feel fears and its starting to create a wall, it might help to talk about some of them soon?. I'd likely start with asking him something along the lines of did he feel included when he dated a divorcee before? And did he want to be included? That sort of thing.
I think its too soon to know if he's exercising healthy caution, or genuinely self absorbed and lacking in empathy. But some careful conversation might help there?
Sending you good wishes! <3
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2020 3:47:26 GMT
seeking, this sounds great! I'm glad you spoke up about what was going on for you. Now you'll see if his actions consistently match his words on whatever you talked about and you can decide if it works for you. But it's a really great step that you were able to talk through some of this and fought the urge to stay distant. Glad the wall is back to a curtain and you're both getting to know each other better and seeing if there's a trustworthy foundation that can be built there 😄
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Post by seeking on Oct 19, 2020 2:46:22 GMT
*P.S. I know I said "second date" but we've been involved since August. We've done a zoom date and several many-hour conversations and texted pretty much daily for months. So second in-person date.
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Post by serenity on Oct 19, 2020 5:33:46 GMT
Hugs seeking, I smiled when I read your update. You're doing so good pushing through your fears, and talking them out. And I'm happy for the way he has responded to you, and assured you of his intentions. <3
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Post by seeking on Oct 26, 2020 2:46:16 GMT
Wondering if this post can be deleted. Not yet, but curious. Want to send new guy Annie's stages of dating but if he finds this site, sees this post, he'd recognize himself.
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Post by seeking on Oct 26, 2020 3:03:18 GMT
P.S. If I let myself be excited about this it feels great, and like there's so much we can do that I haven't in so long - weekend trips, support each other, just have someone *there* - a partner, a potential other "parent" figure - healing, love, laughter, friendship . . . but there's a hypervigilance still-
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Post by anne12 on Oct 26, 2020 7:23:59 GMT
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