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Post by alexandra on Dec 27, 2020 4:10:38 GMT
Hopefully 2021 gets better in this regard  And in many others as well  Cheers to that!!!! 🥳 Also what is most clear to me at this point is the extent to which our dynamic always felt like a power struggle. I am so ready to walk away from that and work on finding a relationship where I’m not constantly fighting keep my power or to avoid giving it away. I can see how there would be no place for that in a secure dynamic.
FWIW, there's zero power struggle with my earned secure boyfriend and there never has been. It organically always just felt like both getting to know each other --> always on the same team. Sometimes he helps me finish things that I need to get done without my asking (like, my own chores, versus chores we need to get done), and then I feel a little bad about it and say that and he responds... "why, I don't mind and it still needed to get done." I'm still used to all my prior romantic relationships being a power struggle, and when he says that I'm like, oh.... Cool! On the flip side, I recognize that the faster we both get all the chores done, the more downtime we can spend together. So it's not him trying too hard to help me or anything transactional -- it's not at all from a place of power dynamics or control, it's just adulting.
He has also said (since he's earned secure and also had lots of power dynamics involved in past relationships) that it's so great and easy, he doesn't have to expend any energy on managing the dynamics in the relationship (ie overfunctioning and mind-reading) and instead can just put energy into enjoying the relationship itself. I agree, and it's really so much better... the relationship adding value instead of sucking out energy. I've been a big fan of these secure dynamics and recommend them!
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Post by iz42 on Dec 27, 2020 4:38:28 GMT
Cheers to that!!!! 🥳 Also what is most clear to me at this point is the extent to which our dynamic always felt like a power struggle. I am so ready to walk away from that and work on finding a relationship where I’m not constantly fighting keep my power or to avoid giving it away. I can see how there would be no place for that in a secure dynamic.
FWIW, there's zero power struggle with my earned secure boyfriend and there never has been. It organically always just felt like both getting to know each other --> always on the same team. Sometimes he helps me finish things that I need to get done without my asking (like, my own chores, versus chores we need to get done), and then I feel a little bad about it and say that and he responds... "why, I don't mind and it still needed to get done." I'm still used to all my prior romantic relationships being a power struggle, and when he says that I'm like, oh.... Cool! On the flip side, I recognize that the faster we both get all the chores done, the more downtime we can spend together. So it's not him trying too hard to help me or anything transactional -- it's not at all from a place of power dynamics or control, it's just adulting.
He has also said (since he's earned secure and also had lots of power dynamics involved in past relationships) that it's so great and easy, he doesn't have to expend any energy on managing the dynamics in the relationship (ie overfunctioning and mind-reading) and instead can just put energy into enjoying the relationship itself. I agree, and it's really so much better... the relationship adding value instead of sucking out energy. I've been a big fan of these secure dynamics and recommend them!
Omg that honestly sounds like a dream! I love hearing about this. |
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Post by iz42 on Jan 29, 2021 6:51:48 GMT
Just here to post an update. My ex’s new relationship has already ended...she broke up with him after 4 months. It probably shouldn’t be a surprise, but my sense was that he wanted to marry her. I guess they were unable to resolve conflicts and she’d just had it. This has clarified some things. I’ve wondered whether he is really FA, and it seems to me that if he can’t form a connection after being sober for an extended period and becoming much more stable in his life, there has to be something else going on.
Over the years I’ve paid more attention to his words than his actions, and that kept me stuck for a long time. He’s sometimes able to show self-reflection about his avoidance in relationships but he has never come to the point of looking to get help with it or trying to change how he relates to others. For a long time i thought him saying that he struggled with intimacy meant that he wanted to change, and I gave him a lot of leeway, but it never led to him actually working on the issue.
I’m in therapy now and I think it’s helping, but there are some things my therapist has said that have put me in sort of a shame spiral. Maybe that’s part of the process?! Right now I’m feeling like there is something fundamentally wrong with me for getting involved with him and putting up with all the intermittent closeness and cycling. I know it’s an AP thing to beat up on myself and this line of thinking is not productive, but it’s tough. One positive in all this is that I feel REALLY done with him once and for all.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 29, 2021 7:04:20 GMT
iz42
"..but there are some things my therapist has said that have put me in sort of a shame spiral." What did your therapist say to you/what did she do - was it her tone a voice, a certain look, how she was sitting in her chair ect. - does she know how to position her chair (Peter Levine got a tip on how to position the chairs when working with clients, who carries shame) ? If I were you, I would tell your therapist how you feel, so that this can be repaired/corrected/healed... It is crusial that you are having a good relationship with your therapist and you feel that you can trust your therapist. Therapists can make mistakes as well. Listen to Peter Levine talking about shame: www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2CN5nhmfxk / Brene Brown www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7EMost people got shame bottoms. You dident know any better back then. Now you know better, so now you can try to do better next time. If you dident excist, your therapist would have one less client, right ? Be nice to yourself and try to forgive yourself... You can journal and write this down: "My story taking into account, it is only understandable that ....." - about shame and how to work with shame/anger/your inner critic:- jebkinnisonforum.com/post/18822/
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1007/trauma-shame
Boundarie setting model:
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25919/
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Post by iz42 on Jan 29, 2021 19:27:02 GMT
anne12 It’s hard to point to any one thing she has said. I think I am hyper-sensitive to feeling like I’m being pathologized. I don’t know. I keep thinking I’m overreacting. My sense is that she sees my AP behavior as bad or pathological. I’m going to bring this up with her next time - thanks for the helpful links!
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And in many others as well 
