EDIT: My stuff
BELOW. Formatting got messed up
Heyyy so I want to start this off by saying that I am also an FA (currently earning secure) so please know that I probably understand to some degree some of your feelings. It is not my intention to make you feel attacked...I am sure it takes a lot of guts to post on a forum where we already have an establshed relationship with Joan so I want to recognize that first of all.
I also think it's great you are asking what you need to "fix" THOUGH I would actually say you shouldn't use words like "fix"...as this isn't a defect of yours. It's simply the (frankly predictable) expression of your attachment wounds. This doesn't mean youre bad or broken,it simply means you have to start getting very real and very honest with yourself about what wounds you have and how those manifest in relationships.
For example, us FAs, we have such a hard time with feeling worthy. It's a deep core wound we carry around. Could you possibly (bear with my logic here) feel as though taking on a parental role with a partner (in your words "making them the best they can be") is a way of you feeling you can earn your worth in the relationship? Or are you yourself always struggling to better yourself because you never feel worthy enough so you project this pain onto your partner? There is nothing wrong with desiring the best for you partner-I would argue thats a pretty universal thing across the board. HOwever, it's the way you have approached this that seems to misalign with your stated goals. IF for example, smoking is a deal breaker for you (perfectly your right!) then assuming your partner didn't pick up smoking during the relationship, it seems controlling and unreasonable to insist later on that this habit is now so imporant to you in terms of relationship satisfaction that you will dump them unless they follow through. Securely attached people will asses and leave when dealbreakers are present early on. If you start dating someone, then you are dating that person. Not their "potential" (which is just your own assessment btw)
Finally I want to bring up the lying since you have stated it many times as being a source of pain for you and you can't understand what possible role you play in this. I wil start off by saying this: while I don't PERSONALLY agree with this, there are many people out there who would say it's none of your business what happened when you were on a breakup and given your responses here "...she's sleeping with half the men in our country" I don't exactly feel like you are open to having a mature dialogue about it if she HAD been truthful! So she may have felt lying was her best option BUT thats not even my main point here. I will illustrate your responsibility with an analogy. OK so:
Suppose I had a friend who came to me one day and asked for $10 and promises to pay me back next week. Sure, i say and I loan her the money. Next week comes and she says "Hey sorry I don't have the money but I need to borrow $10 more. I promise i will pay you back next weekend". I give her the money and next weekend rolls aorund and it's the same issue. Imagine if I then told you 6 months later "Hey JoansFA, I am now $5000 in debt due to this person! SHe kept saying she would pay me back! So what responsibility do i have here??" Would you feel I was a victim? Well maybe the first few times. But if this was a pattern, at some point I am continuing to do it for other reasons, and THAT is my own responsibility. Staying with someone who lies and using the thought pattern of "If you are lying to me then just let me go" isn't goig to work. Why haven't YOU left? WHat are the reasons you are staying in a relatiosnhip where you say there is no trust whatsoever. What are you gaining from this?
THIS is the type of DEEP diving work you have to do if you want to tackle your attachment issues in a sincere way. It isn't about defending your position-it's really shifting the focus
completely inward. Asking yourself all the types of questions I have above. Figuring out what causes you pain. Reprogramming those pain points. What joan does is her own deal. This is what I would tell ANYONE who posts on here and if you read other posts you will see it's al the same. My attachment specialist therapist says the same things to me. If you partner shows up and is willing to do the work that is great. If they arent you have to either decide that is fine with you and you are happy with the dynamics (it's very clear from both of you that you aren't though) OR you decide your own healing is your priority. That is my best advice to you
How do you not take on a parental role with that? Is it better just to stay quite and not say anything? 
