I haven't had sex for months (first time in my life...) and a part of me would like to be able to have some casual sex, the other just can't and would like to wait in order to find something more meaningful. I want to enjoy sex for the sake of it but at the same time I'm scared of the emotional implications (me ending up emotionally involved, unlike the other person), and finding something more meaningful seems particularly difficult these days (pandemic, dating pool overcrowded by avoidants, etc). I guess it's something related to my AP style. As I crave for connection, I just can't detach emotionally. Wondering what's your experience?
Great question!!! I'm mostly AP who occasionally flips to FA and can even be fairly secure at times.
I can and have enjoyed what I consider casual sex. Usually it's happened naturally in the course of dating that there's people who I'm attracted to but not deeply compatible with, and they seem not too serious about me either. It usually lasts a couple nights or weeks, until one or both of us get bored or meets someone more promising, lol.
Just a bit before I met my current partner, I had a satisfying one night stand with a dude I met in a bar (we knew mutual friends who vouched for him.) He was no one I'd consider as a life partner, much too young and he smoked, but he was really sweet and a great ****.
I think the trick is don't try to have casual sex with someone you really want a relationship with, or if they really want a relationship with you. I also have to have some level of like and trust, enough to at least go out with them once or twice (generally) before getting sexual.
I don't think there is a blanket answer to the question. It probably depends on the person. It takes me a while to get triggered and swing anxious if I'm dating an avoidant. So while it's not appealing to me at all at this stage in my life, I could probably have casual sex for a brief period and not get hurt or overly attached. In my experience, if it goes on for more than a month or two, that's when it gets more tricky (if the other person is avoidant). Even if they're not avoidant, it can get complicated. So I guess for me it would just have to be a short-term thing and we would have to be on the same page about that.
I'm not sure how people are handling this kind of casual encounter during covid... in my area it would probably be too risky.
There's always the impact of Oxytocin to take into consideration. Some women gets more affected by Oxytocin than others.
Remember the impact of oxytocin - expecialy if you are a woman. Oxytocin makes women bond, when they are making love and they are touched on the breats and on the nipples. On the other hand: Mens testosteron can block the intake of oxytocin.
The effects of oxytocin are exacerbated by estrogen and minimized by testosterone. The bonding effect seems to last 2-3 weeks in women and 2-3 days in men. This could partly explain why younger women get more attached due to sex than younger men; and why post-menopausal women experience more freedom around sex while older men want regular sex to feel connected to their partners. It also explains why we see each other in a different light after orgasm (it’s orgasm that counts, with or without intercourse). Both men and women may want to consider the effects of oxytocin. Are you ready for that attachment, either by you or to you?
You can also find out where you are in your menstraul cycle, as this also can have an affect on you when having sex/ when choosing a sex partner.
And of course the pandemic situation right now. Do you think you would bond more than usual because of the lack of opportunities to find a match in general right now and as a way to feel more safe (at the instinktive level) in the world right now ?
What is your deeper need behind wanting to have sex with someone right now ?
For ambivalents sex can overactivate the attachment system. They can forget themselves both during sex and after sex
I’ve been able to have casual sex relationships a few times, but not with my DA that I dated (didn’t know about attachment styles until about a year in). Interestingly, I was unable to separate sex and feelings with him and got attached quickly. If I had it do over, I never would’ve done it because it cost me a lot of emotional turmoil and confusion. Mixed messages, intermittent reinforcement, hot and cold...all the things. That being said, in a different situation with a different attachment type, I could definitely have a FWB situation. But I know people are all made differently and you have to really know yourself. As a general rule, men seem to be able to do FWB easier.
To be honest, now that I think about it, before my longterm relationship I had a couple of casual experiences. Not a big deal at that time. But it was different. I was in my hometown to begin with, so there were friends and friends of friends and it was relatively easy to find someone and end up in bed "naturally". I didn't get attached and I cut it off immediately after sex, because I wasn't interested in a relationship with them. SO I guess what it's making it harder now is the "unnatural" way in which these things happen - through dating apps. I live in a foreign place and don't know many people. Plus the pandemic. So dating apps are the only way of meeting new people. And I can't just have a random conversation and sleep with a stranger with that nonchalance. It feels unnatural. Either I'm interested in something more or not...Apparently don't know how to handle any "in-between" situation this way.