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Post by dullboat123 on Nov 9, 2020 23:39:31 GMT
Hi there...welcome to these forums. I recognize so much of what you are saying about yourself...the clinging, the needing external validation....the hot/cold, on/off aspects of the relationship. I am so sorry it is so painful. When the guy I was dating broke up with me...my world literally felt upside down.....when I found my way here....I just wanted to understand why it happened and why he behaved the way he did....which led me to behave the way I did. It is very normal for APs to come here with questions regarding their ex partner...the thing is.....I never got answers that were truly satisfying and that is because as much as I thought I needed to look at and understand everything about him...it was really that I needed to turn the focus back to myself. I needed to ask myself why, in the face of so much incompatibility and inconsistency I stayed...even while it was hurting me to do so. Since this is all fresh for you, please take the time you feel is needed to explore your questions about her behavior etc......but at some point, it will be beneficial to start looking at why you chose her, why you stayed with her, how did she make you feel and why, if those feeling were mostly bad did you decide to stick it out...it is fine if now is not the time for those answers. I had a good think ever since June when we broke up. I chose her because she is physically very appealing to me. Also, I went through 16 years of narcissistic abuse and yes I do recognised a little bit of narcissism in my DA ex but it is never as bad as my ex wife. Perhaps my pain has been normalised and thus it doesn't seem to feel as bad as my ex wife. My DA ex was hot and cold so I was addicted to the hot side thinking I can put up with the cold side. Also, since the issues are always my fault, I really believed that and worked so hard to improve myself thinking that she will stay with me. In the end it is all futile.....I am hurting so much now even when everyone of you confirmed that she is not good for me. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Nov 9, 2020 23:52:55 GMT
Does it really matter if she's FA, BPD, or just not that into you? I understand wanting to understand, but in the end, you've described someone who isn't relationship material for you. You can't have deep talks with her. She doesn't have energy at the end of the day to anything with you, instead wants to f around on insta. She doesn't want to commit to you, doesn't want you to know her friends. A better question to ask than "What's wrong with her?" is "Why would I accept this in a partner?" Breakups suck, but eventually, you'll find you're just fine without this woman. Chin up! Thank you for the encouragement. Yes this hurts more than my divorce with my ex wife whom is showing a great deal of narcissism. I guess that gives you an insight on how come I can accept this DA partner. At least this DA partner is not abusive physically towards me even though the stonewalling is emotional abuse. I guess given time, the abuse will come and it will be similar to my ex wife if the DA is not self aware and is not doing anything in terms of seeking help. I am not even sure if she is relationship material for anyone after me if she doesn't resolve her issues. Though it is none of my business, I do want her to be happy. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 10, 2020 2:49:23 GMT
Hi there...welcome to these forums. I recognize so much of what you are saying about yourself...the clinging, the needing external validation....the hot/cold, on/off aspects of the relationship. I am so sorry it is so painful. When the guy I was dating broke up with me...my world literally felt upside down.....when I found my way here....I just wanted to understand why it happened and why he behaved the way he did....which led me to behave the way I did. It is very normal for APs to come here with questions regarding their ex partner...the thing is.....I never got answers that were truly satisfying and that is because as much as I thought I needed to look at and understand everything about him...it was really that I needed to turn the focus back to myself. I needed to ask myself why, in the face of so much incompatibility and inconsistency I stayed...even while it was hurting me to do so. Since this is all fresh for you, please take the time you feel is needed to explore your questions about her behavior etc......but at some point, it will be beneficial to start looking at why you chose her, why you stayed with her, how did she make you feel and why, if those feeling were mostly bad did you decide to stick it out...it is fine if now is not the time for those answers. I had a good think ever since June when we broke up. I chose her because she is physically very appealing to me. Also, I went through 16 years of narcissistic abuse and yes I do recognised a little bit of narcissism in my DA ex but it is never as bad as my ex wife. Perhaps my pain has been normalised and thus it doesn't seem to feel as bad as my ex wife. My DA ex was hot and cold so I was addicted to the hot side thinking I can put up with the cold side. Also, since the issues are always my fault, I really believed that and worked so hard to improve myself thinking that she will stay with me. In the end it is all futile.....I am hurting so much now even when everyone of you confirmed that she is not good for me. That is actually quite normal....missing the good and ignoring or justifying the bad. I wish there was an easier way to process through it...but there really isn’t. It is ok to miss those good parts about her...just remember that they are only “parts” though. I miss some parts of the guy I dated..and it has taken me years to accept that we were not a good fit. What I can say with a level of certainty...is that time does help, no contact helps, therapy helps, these forums help...just give yourself lots of grace right now. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 10, 2020 6:18:13 GMT
The actions you’ve described sound much more FA than DA. It sounds like she has some pretty serious psychological issues and perhaps you got caught up thinking you could help her? I totally understand your desire to understand her better. One thing you might also ask yourself is why someone so unstable was attractive to you in the first place. You don’t need to accept responsibility for the breakup just because she refuses to. You were in an anxious avoidant trap with her and if you read other stories here, you’ll see that those rarely end well. I now think that she has some pretty serious psychological issues as many of you had confirmed it. As a guy, I think she appeals to me physically too because she is a very attractive woman. Within the relationship, she told me that there are a constant stream of men trying to hit on her and even offering her gifts for sex. This does trigger my insecurities and low self esteem. Also, she is from another race and I really enjoy taking the time to get to know her culture. Yes I recognised that I am in a AP/DA dance and it will not end well. However we are no longer in that dance as she had found someone else, even though it is long distance, it absolutely suits her DA style. What hurts me was that she strung me along while already being emotionally invested in the other guy (though we are not in a relationship). She came back trying to fix things with me while already being emotionally invested somewhere else. I still showered her with gifts and free meals. Now that the guy confirmed that he is interested in her, she said the most hurtful things to me and cut me loose. My heart feels like it's being stomped on while typing this because I feel a bit betrayed. I'm really sorry it's so painful. I've been through a somewhat similar scenario with an FA ex and I know it can be devastating. I'm still working through the aftermath of my relationship with my ex. You're getting good advice from others here. This stuff takes time so be patient with yourself. We can't really diagnose her over the internet, but it might be helpful for you to read about FA traits because it does sound to me like she could be FA not DA. The hot + cold stuff usually means someone is FA (though it's possible she also has a personality disorder). |
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Post by simply on Dec 16, 2020 14:12:11 GMT
From what you listed, she doesn't sound like a secure person and do you know what attachment style you are? Having common interests and a 'similar mind' isn't really from my opinion a good basis to form a relationship it sounds more like her traits or style of relating is from a wounded part of you in childhood?
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