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Post by amber on Nov 12, 2020 0:05:39 GMT
Hoping to get peoples opinions/insights on this. I have a couple friends who I think are DA. one in particular who told me last night she only likes to have communication with friends once every 2-3 weeks. This feels like quite a limit to me to place on a friendship, because I like to have more contact with friends. I know have some AP tendencies to want more connection and contact but wonder how aligned I am with someone who wants a lot less contact than me. I know this is just the way she needs to regulate her nervous system (auto-regulation). she told me she gets drained if she spends too much time with people and needs a lot of time alone. I guess I feel a little frustrated with this. can other DA's chime in with this in terms of how much time they like to see/spend with friends/ have contact with friends? im also curious to know how much time secure people like to spend with friends. I find it hard to feel close to people if there's limits like this on a r/ship...I don't expect to have daily contact with people but almost all my other close friends we text regularly, see each other 1-2 a fortnight etc. this feels odd to me.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 12, 2020 1:52:56 GMT
As a secure person, it doesn't even cross my mind how often I'm hanging out with people (unless I'm not seeing them for long stretches because one of us is constantly turning down plans or cancelling without giving much reason... then that's not a good sign). I feel like pre-covid I'd usually see several people 1-2 times a month. When I lived near my closest friends, for them specifically it would be every few days.
It's okay for you to outgrow friendships if that's what's happening, but your friend told you a boundary/needs, and you can take it or leave it. I think it's cool she was that direct and open with you. I'd think an actual issue to be more concerned about would be if one or the other or both of you are "keeping score" because then it dips into transactional territory (which all insecure styles do, but creates distance in bonds). But your friend not wanting to connect more than a couple times a month shouldn't be a big deal if it's not a serious romantic partner, as it's not a sleight towards you. I've had "going out friends" that I might see every week but wouldn't rely on for deeper needs (like, those are not close friends I'd call in case of emergency). Not saying that's what's happening in your case, just that different people can have different degrees of platonic closeness and that's okay too.
Can this friend just see you sometimes, and maybe you have other more extroverted friends for more routinely texting and hanging out?
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2020 14:59:09 GMT
Hoping to get peoples opinions/insights on this. I have a couple friends who I think are DA. one in particular who told me last night she only likes to have communication with friends once every 2-3 weeks. This feels like quite a limit to me to place on a friendship, because I like to have more contact with friends. I know have some AP tendencies to want more connection and contact but wonder how aligned I am with someone who wants a lot less contact than me. I know this is just the way she needs to regulate her nervous system (auto-regulation). she told me she gets drained if she spends too much time with people and needs a lot of time alone. I guess I feel a little frustrated with this. can other DA's chime in with this in terms of how much time they like to see/spend with friends/ have contact with friends? im also curious to know how much time secure people like to spend with friends. I find it hard to feel close to people if there's limits like this on a r/ship...I don't expect to have daily contact with people but almost all my other close friends we text regularly, see each other 1-2 a fortnight etc. this feels odd to me. What you are describing is my mom to a tee....and I agree with alexandra that it is good that she was upfront with you. Honestly, she is likely introverted....my mom is the exact same way. When we talk on the phone, she always wants to get to the point (she is not a chit chat kinda woman) and they are time bound, usually 10-15 minutes. I have come to appreciate that her needs and boundaries are very different from mine. The important thing is to not take it personally....it has nothing to do with you...it also doesn’t mean you need to change anything about who you are. But I would suggest diving a bit more into the frustration you feel...because something has been churned up by what she said and it is providing you an opportunity to get more information about it. |
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Post by amber on Nov 13, 2020 20:16:23 GMT
Thanks guys I really appreciate your input. I think you’re right in that it triggers some AP stuff in me around rejection and feeling kind in being pushed away which was my experience with my my my whole childhood. I think the reality is I found the be super close to someone that had such boundaries around time and texting etc but I can still have this person in my life as a more casual friend. Definelty need to look at what this brings up in me
Cheers!
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 18, 2020 22:30:05 GMT
Its pretty normal to meet every 2-3 weeks, especially for someone who has several friends.
Meeting friends more than once a week can be taxing for an introvert; DA or not. I do think DA people generally do not like to have multiple friends from different circles over. I too am hesitant to introduce others unless they seem to have similar interests.
It also depends on one's schedule; in college I did meet friends more often, but I had more time.
In my adult life; most socializing takes place on the weekend, and I have to fit all my friends, my mother and other family into a limital timeframe. I prefer not to have more than 2 or 3 social engagements per weekend, as I need some time to myself.
It is cool if I just happen to see a certain friend twice in a week or can offer support in time of need, but I would not want one friend to structurally take up a weekly slot in my calender.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 18, 2020 22:54:00 GMT
I do think DA people generally do not like to have multiple friends from different circles over. Ooh, good point. Anecdotally, over the years I've noticed this with DA friends and exes as well. |
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