rena
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Post by rena on Nov 27, 2020 12:18:45 GMT
I am in a dynamics with this guy at work, we have known each other for almost 3 years but it was only professional. About a year ago we started chatting on a more personal level and something developed there. We went on a few dates but his behaviour has left me BAFFLED AND CONFUSED!!! On the first date we met for lunch at a nice place. We ordered food and we were talking. We were connecting well and it seemed like he was having a really good time, I could feel that he was happy. But then... out of nowhere he said he had to leave (because he forgot he had a doctor's appointment) and quickly wrapped up things and left. He texted me later to say "That was good, we should setup another date soon  " I thought he made a false excuse and was just being polite and didn't mean to see me again, so I tried to forget the whole thing. But a few days later, he really did ask me out again! I like him and I am interested, so I agreed to meet up. It was a dinner date this time. Once again we connected really well. We had a good conversation, he opened up about his life a little bit, told me about his parents and the town where he grew up. We talked about work colleagues and other stuff. Everything was going well but to my surprise... he did the exact same thing again!! Once again he made a really silly excuse (I think I forgot to turn off my shower!!! Seriously!!!  ) and fled the scene suddenly but later called me and acted as if him leaving suddenly was no big deal! Then it happened YET AGAIN a third time on a date! He came, we connected, he made a stupid excuse and left! Then again... he did a similar thing when we were chatting on phone the other day. Everything was going well, we were relaxed and comfortable, chatting away nicely, but then suddenly he just made a quick excuse (He said he was getting a call from his landlord about an emergency issue, but it was 10 at night and he didn't mention any emergency earlier when I asked him if everything was fine) He hung up on me abruptly out of nowhere! Then later texted and acted as if nothing was wrong. The way he makes an excuse doesn't even leave me room to confront him. Besides he then later texts or calls and sort of makes up for his sudden departure so I don't know what to say. Is this anxiety? Is this FA behaviour or DA? When will this stop? |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2020 19:36:44 GMT
rena, sorry, I find this a little bit funny because I've read a lot of dating advice geared towards women about cutting dates short to leave them wanting more! But I haven't heard of anyone actually doing it My first inclination is, have you spoken about how you each feel about dating a colleague? He may like you but is uncomfortable because you work together, and it's making him act weird. I had a situation like that once that ended in the guy ghosting on me completely then reappearing in earnest 1.5 years later after it was no longer an issue, but I didn't want to try again because I'd liked him and he'd broken my trust with his bad communication. If it's not that, it sounds like he may have control and/or dating/social anxiety issues, which could be a red flag. His actions and words aren't aligning well either, hence your confusion, which is a red flag (often signaling an insecure attachment style or another reason for emotional unavailability). So this depends what you're looking for and can tolerate in a relationship. Things are likely to move very slowly and at the speed he's comfortable with if this is the precedent he's setting, so think about it more as checking in with yourself about what YOU want and the kind of relationship you like and if you think this can be a compatible situation or not if things stay on this course (as they probably will).
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rena
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Post by rena on Nov 27, 2020 20:56:39 GMT
rena, sorry, I find this a little bit funny because I've read a lot of dating advice geared towards women about cutting dates short to leave them wanting more! But I haven't heard of anyone actually doing it My first inclination is, have you spoken about how you each feel about dating a colleague? He may like you but is uncomfortable because you work together, and it's making him act weird. I had a situation like that once that ended in the guy ghosting on me completely then reappearing in earnest 1.5 years later after it was no longer an issue, but I didn't want to try again because I'd liked him and he'd broken my trust with his bad communication. If it's not that, it sounds like he may have control and/or dating/social anxiety issues, which could be a red flag. His actions and words aren't aligning well either, hence your confusion, which is a red flag (often signaling an insecure attachment style or another reason for emotional unavailability). So this depends what you're looking for and can tolerate in a relationship. Things are likely to move very slowly and at the speed he's comfortable with if this is the precedent he's setting, so think about it more as checking in with yourself about what YOU want and the kind of relationship you like and if you think this can be a compatible situation or not if things stay on this course (as they probably will). Thank you alexandra for replying. You are right to laugh, this is such a childish and silly behaviour. I found it funny at first too. I thought we have been colleagues and now starting to date so he is acting awkward, but when it kept happening again and again over a period of time it wasn't funny anymore. BTW we work for the same company but we are not in same teams. I hardly work with him directly. Also, we did talk about colleagues dating and clearly agreed that as long as we keep it professional at work we should be fine. To be honest, I really like this guy and I think we can make it work. I want to acknowledge red flags but then again not be too hasty and reject him if there is a chance for something good. Actually, in my initial post I ommitted one detail because I thought it wasn't that relavent. One of my ex is a really close friend with this guy, they were roommates for a few months and they still keep in touch. This ex tried to connect with me a few months ago (he said he was feeling lonely in covid and thinking about me) I told my ex that I didnt have feelings for him anymore but he has sort of persisted since then, regularly texting and calling etc. Is it possible that my ex is making this guy uncomfortable. I dont know. Should I ask him directly if this is bothering him? |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 27, 2020 21:12:52 GMT
I don't think it's the stuff with your ex. If he likes you, and knows you're his friend's ex, that is on him to discuss with his friend.
The guy in my past wasn't working with me directly but had this weird idea he told me much later that if he "screwed things up" I'd gossip about him and hurt his reputation. That was all projection, and I'd wondered if someone did that in his past, as well as a red flag about his level of insecurity.
He could have a physical health issue that means he needs to leave abruptly but he isn't ready to share that with you yet (like IBS or something).
But instead of coming up with speculation, you should simply ask about the abrupt departures. Tell him you like him and are enjoying your dates and ask if anything's making him uncomfortable that you should be aware of. If whatever is going on isn't actually due to emotional unavailability stuff, then being direct after knowing him years anyway won't push him away -- and he'll actually give you the answer (you'll know if it's work, ex, health, or other). If he's immature and not ready, and he shuts down and evades, then you have your answer, too. There's no downside to communicating openly.
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rena
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Post by rena on Dec 1, 2020 12:58:21 GMT
Further update. I confronted the abrupt-quitter FA guy about his behaviour. At first he went quiet for a day, then came back to me and explained his situation. He said that one of his ex has recently got back in touch with him and she is in a REALLY bad place (attempted suicide a few months ago) and she has no one to turn to but him. This ex now keeps calling him and asking for support at any godly hour! Sometimes even in the middle of night if she gets a panic attack! He is worried about her well-being so he is making himself available to her whenever she asks. ( ) He said he feels trapped in this situation, and assured me that he has no feelings for her whatsoever (He is just being a good samaritan basically!) He categorically told me that he is not sleeping with this ex, he is only helping her out as a platonic friend and no more. He also said that in terms of family she only has a brother, he has got in touch with her brother who lives nearby to take her off his hands. I don't even know how to react to all this. Do any of you think he is being honest? Does he really not have feelings for this woman and only helping her, as a friend? |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 1, 2020 19:08:06 GMT
rena, since he did answer your question quickly and tell you all this, I do believe him... why make something like that up? However, if you're looking for reasons to hold back on the situation, he has given those, too. If he has a history of dating emotionally unstable people, and then years later struggling with feeling trapped, it means he very likely has boundary issues caused by his own stuff. If she was very unstable when they dated as well (and, depending on how serious their relationship was), he may have had a toxic bond with her which could explain why he's still engaging enough with her now that he's letting it interfere with new relationships yet he truly does NOT have romantic feelings for her or want to be with her. I respect that he's trying to help her, but he may not be well-equipped to do so if he's saying it's in a feeling trapped but being a savior sort of way, and she hasn't gotten further professional help yet. So dating him may look complicated even after she's able to expand her support system to others. The good news is, his behavior had nothing to do with you. Now you just need to figure out if he still matches the situation you want for yourself when you think about the right romantic partner for you. Are you comfortable moving forward with him if you believe he's not romantically involved with her, even if her presence will still take up some space? (But also think of it as if she was just a friend who needed help, not as his ex in that scenery of exploring how you feel.) What are your own goals? Do you hope to start a family soon? This may not be the level of stability you need in a partner if so, but if not, maybe you want more information from him first and can keep getting to know him better. Or maybe you want to meet and date others while you figure that out. Or maybe having an ex around in that capacity is too much and you want to go back to be just friends and colleagues. You have many options here, that all depend on what YOU want. Also, good on you for being direct and a good communicator and asking him what was up! I doubt anyone would have guessed this situation lol. Speculation wouldn't have been helpful.
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rena
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Post by rena on Dec 2, 2020 10:24:39 GMT
Thank you alexandra. Had another really long chat with him last night. He told me some things which sound really complicated to me on first sight. Seems like there is a lot more between him and this woman, and I am seeing a good number of red flags. But my own situation is not very rosy-cosy. I am in my 40s, have had some really crappy relationships in the past. Made mistakes sometimes with too much logical thinking. This guy could be good for me in many ways, I have strong feelings for him and he is stable in other areas of life if not in relationships. All I need is to strike the right balance of logic and emotion here while thinking about this situation. Excuse the long post, but I really need your opinion, if you think these are red flags or am I just miss-reading / over judging. This is basically what he said:- Some time ago, this BPD woman had had a bad breakup with another man and she was really upset, at the time she came to him (FA guy) for moral support because she had nowhere else to go, and he asked her to stay with him for a couple of days until she was feeling better. (Red flag 1) At this time they themselves were fully broken up and were only friends. But he wasn't seeing anybody else he told me, and one night during her stay they had sex. (Red flag 2) A few months later, he found out that as a result of that one night sex she had got pregnant! (Red flag 3) However without telling him about the pregnancy, she aborted the baby, and eventually went into depression and that's when she attempted suicide. This entire drama sent the FA guy himself into depression. (Red flag 4) He said he didnt want a child with her but wasnt happy that she aborted it without even telling him. If the child was born he would have happily paid child support. (Red flag 5) Right now he is just helping this woman out, but he is "strictly" not sleeping with her. The woman however is emotionally attached to him still! (Red flag 6) He said he only ever felt physical attraction towards her, and it was just a bit of fun, never meant to be serious, he was clear about it right from start. (However he does know her family closely, he has even travelled with her to quite a few places and basically has a lot of history with her) (Red flag 7) He said now all he wants is closure and move on from this as soon as possible. One thing which is nagging at me is this sixth sense that there is something more which, either he is still not telling me, or there is some lies this woman is telling him but he blindly believes her lies maybe because he has some sort of emotional attachment with the woman despite what he says. I need to think about all this very carefully. Please give me your point of view and opinions if you can, much appreciated. |
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Post by annieb on Dec 2, 2020 13:01:44 GMT
To me this man sounds like he is in a relationship, but in a typical avoidant fashion weaving a thread for himself in which he is not involved with her. Very odd behavior, but not unheard of. I bet if you asked her, the story would be very different as to what their involvement is.
If you keep seeing him, there will most likely be more of the odd erratic behavior. I would downgrade this potential boyfriend back to friends...
And don’t beat yourself up for being in your forties and not having a boyfriend. There are lots of women in your shoes and despite the societal pressures in their private many are living their best lives.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 2, 2020 14:50:28 GMT
I am single and in my 50s.....🤔...😂😂. I agree that his version of things sounds very much like there is more to the story. For all of his talk...it doesn’t appear that he is moving on from her.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 2, 2020 15:00:52 GMT
Thank you alexandra . Had another really long chat with him last night. He told me some things which sound really complicated to me on first sight. Seems like there is a lot more between him and this woman, and I am seeing a good number of red flags. But my own situation is not very rosy-cosy. I am in my 40s, have had some really crappy relationships in the past. Made mistakes sometimes with too much logical thinking. This guy could be good for me in many ways, I have strong feelings for him and he is stable in other areas of life if not in relationships. All I need is to strike the right balance of logic and emotion here while thinking about this situation. Excuse the long post, but I really need your opinion, if you think these are red flags or am I just miss-reading / over judging. This is basically what he said:- Some time ago, this BPD woman had had a bad breakup with another man and she was really upset, at the time she came to him (FA guy) for moral support because she had nowhere else to go, and he asked her to stay with him for a couple of days until she was feeling better. (Red flag 1) At this time they themselves were fully broken up and were only friends. But he wasn't seeing anybody else he told me, and one night during her stay they had sex. (Red flag 2) A few months later, he found out that as a result of that one night sex she had got pregnant! (Red flag 3) However without telling him about the pregnancy, she aborted the baby, and eventually went into depression and that's when she attempted suicide. This entire drama sent the FA guy himself into depression. (Red flag 4) He said he didnt want a child with her but wasnt happy that she aborted it without even telling him. If the child was born he would have happily paid child support. (Red flag 5) Right now he is just helping this woman out, but he is "strictly" not sleeping with her. The woman however is emotionally attached to him still! (Red flag 6) He said he only ever felt physical attraction towards her, and it was just a bit of fun, never meant to be serious, he was clear about it right from start. (However he does know her family closely, he has even travelled with her to quite a few places and basically has a lot of history with her) (Red flag 7) He said now all he wants is closure and move on from this as soon as possible. One thing which is nagging at me is this sixth sense that there is something more which, either he is still not telling me, or there is some lies this woman is telling him but he blindly believes her lies maybe because he has some sort of emotional attachment with the woman despite what he says. I need to think about all this very carefully. Please give me your point of view and opinions if you can, much appreciated. My honest opinion...for all his talk.....he has poor relationship skills and poor boundaries. If he really did not want to be in this situation, he would not be...so he is getting something out of it...attention, being needed etc. I also would recommend downgrading your involvement with him. Just be aware that when he senses you are pulling away...he “may” amp up pursuing you. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 2, 2020 18:01:50 GMT
I agree with the above. Just because you're in your 40s doesn't mean you should enter into something with an unstable partner (which he is). Things with inconsistent / unstable people are at their best at the very beginning of the relationship. The red flags and issues magnify later on. At the start of this, you've already felt like he cuts off your dates early and he's got this very emotionally complicated situation in the background. Pursuing this will likely just get you more and more of the complicated parts of this situation.
There are some emotionally available men around over 40. It's normal to have a scarcity mentality (look how many threads we have talking about dating over 35 and being scared there won't be healthy potential partners!), but dating becomes much easier if you can flip that narrative and believe there's some partners still out there. You already came to this forum because your gut knew something was wrong with the situation. You can trust your gut!
Also agree that he'll probably chase harder if you say you want to be just friends. That doesn't mean anything would go differently, though.
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Post by amber on Dec 3, 2020 1:41:16 GMT
Thank you alexandra . Had another really long chat with him last night. He told me some things which sound really complicated to me on first sight. Seems like there is a lot more between him and this woman, and I am seeing a good number of red flags. But my own situation is not very rosy-cosy. I am in my 40s, have had some really crappy relationships in the past. Made mistakes sometimes with too much logical thinking. This guy could be good for me in many ways, I have strong feelings for him and he is stable in other areas of life if not in relationships. All I need is to strike the right balance of logic and emotion here while thinking about this situation. Excuse the long post, but I really need your opinion, if you think these are red flags or am I just miss-reading / over judging. This is basically what he said:- Some time ago, this BPD woman had had a bad breakup with another man and she was really upset, at the time she came to him (FA guy) for moral support because she had nowhere else to go, and he asked her to stay with him for a couple of days until she was feeling better. (Red flag 1) At this time they themselves were fully broken up and were only friends. But he wasn't seeing anybody else he told me, and one night during her stay they had sex. (Red flag 2) A few months later, he found out that as a result of that one night sex she had got pregnant! (Red flag 3) However without telling him about the pregnancy, she aborted the baby, and eventually went into depression and that's when she attempted suicide. This entire drama sent the FA guy himself into depression. (Red flag 4) He said he didnt want a child with her but wasnt happy that she aborted it without even telling him. If the child was born he would have happily paid child support. (Red flag 5) Right now he is just helping this woman out, but he is "strictly" not sleeping with her. The woman however is emotionally attached to him still! (Red flag 6) He said he only ever felt physical attraction towards her, and it was just a bit of fun, never meant to be serious, he was clear about it right from start. (However he does know her family closely, he has even travelled with her to quite a few places and basically has a lot of history with her) (Red flag 7) He said now all he wants is closure and move on from this as soon as possible. One thing which is nagging at me is this sixth sense that there is something more which, either he is still not telling me, or there is some lies this woman is telling him but he blindly believes her lies maybe because he has some sort of emotional attachment with the woman despite what he says. I need to think about all this very carefully. Please give me your point of view and opinions if you can, much appreciated. I should be taking some of my own insight and info here, because like you I worry about being older and finding a partner, but my close friend at 38 found her partner of 2 years when he was 40, my dad was 53 when he met my stepmom at 39 and they were happily together for 14 years, my cousin met her partner when she was 41 and happily married now for 7 years, and my aunt later 30s met her partner at 55, still married 30 years later. it defo can happen! |
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) and fled the scene suddenly but later called me and acted as if him leaving suddenly was no big deal!
