Sorting things out

iz42, for me it was primarily about the partner not listening to me. This was usually apparent pretty quickly. They were very excited and eager, but they'd only hear what they wanted to hear and not what I was saying. For example, if I said something about what I was looking for in the future and they weren't looking for the same thing, somehow it got twisted into how it wouldn't be an issue because of some love conquers all type answer. Projecting and idealizing at me.

I also would have an issue with them over-texting. They'd seem really anxious if I didn't respond quickly and would just text at me until I did, without it seeming like a mutual conversation. Or I felt some sort of pressure was there, like no matter what they said they were clearly getting triggered anxious when I shared a boundary (I shared this a while ago, when I told one guy that I generally don't like texting in the morning because I'm not a morning person and he was texting me so early it would take like 5 hours for me to respond and I was assuring him it didn't mean anything and I felt bad for the delay but I also wasn't going to change my schedule, and he said he was cool with it but HE TOTALLY WASN'T reflected in his actions, and after talking only about a week it was clear he was definitely AP anyway).

Also, trying to force favors on me that I didn't want. Yes, they were offering to do things that were helpful, but it was too much too soon for someone I didn't really know, and they wouldn't accept no for an answer when I said it directly and clearly. Boundary issues.

Honestly, there wouldn't be more than a few dates over the course of a month max because I felt so projected on it was uncomfortable. When I was an immature AP, like as a teenager, I could act like that, but I learned some boundaries to not make others uncomfortable while still young (so my AP no longer manifested this way in my 20s+, though it was still very there in other ways like I'd still get triggered anxious and not communicate my needs properly) and these guys were acting this way in their 30s.

Other signs are if their exes all sound avoidant and there's some chaotic patterns in their relationship history and if they are consistently validation-seeking.

It really doesn't seem like an equal give and take because they're putting you on a pedestal and projecting at the expense of having their own opinions. They're more worried about winning you over and saying the right things than about really getting to know you over time and building a connection rather than rushing one.

Also remember that generalized anxiety and the anxious part of AP style aren't the same thing, even though the words are the same. AP is more specifically fear of abandonment. Someone having generalized anxiety issues isn't necessarily fearing abandonment.

Realizing that I think I'm also falling into the scarcity mindset a little here. I'm telling myself that if this new guy is secure then I'd better date him because who knows if/when I'll find another one. I still need to determine compatibility though and it's not going to be helpful if I'm already telling myself that I'm stuck with him!!!

Btw, it sounds from what you've written like you're both not physically attracted to him and uncomfortable that maybe his anxiety will be too much for you to deal with. Those are both solid reasons to not have further interest. In my opinion, you do need at least a baseline level of physical attraction to exist early on, and since you've been doing a lot of your own work it may be a lot to take on a partner who will need a lot of emotional support when you're still learning to give it to yourself.

That being said, if you otherwise find him engaging, you can give him some time to observe how he manages his anxiety and if he stays consistent and with healthy boundaries or if he starts emotionally dumping it on you. Any decision is okay, just be honest with yourself if it's what you want based on what's really in front of you or if it's a fear-based decision. I found that working through insecure attachment issues meant working through fears, and security involved not making fear-based decision.

I've decided to break it off. I'm realizing I find him kind of hard to be around. His energy is really intense and I know this is likely coming from anxiety but it's just kind of exhausting. There is no emotional dumping yet, just high intensity and I can tell that I will have trouble relaxing and being myself around him.

I wanted to explore the physical attraction thing because I thought my lack of attraction might be attachment-related. I also don't want to be picking on superficial things, but some level of attraction does seem necessary and ultimately I can't force it.

I can see that if I go any further I will keep getting more and more concerned about hurting him because he is clearly already pretty invested (probably too much considering how early it is).

iz42, AP/AP is very rare because AP interpret longing as love. If the partner is more anxious than they are though both AP, then the less anxious AP won't experience longing and it'll feel off (sort of in the way secures feel "boring") so the relationship is unlikely to last very long. There's also the subconscious mechanism of, I feel bad about myself so there must be something wrong with someone else who doesn't also see me that way so something's wrong with this partner.

You may have been FA the whole time, that isn't uncommon. Have you done the Diane Heller Poole assessment with your % breakdown of the 4 styles? And could you take it using the mindset you had before starting therapy etc.?

That's very interesting! And you're right, those results are very much AP and not FA at all.

If you were less drawn to AP partners and more just almost "settling" and forcing yourself to stick around, that doesn't sound to me like you're going against type doing the AP-AP thing. And if you were somewhat emotionally unavailable because you were always ambivalent about staying in the relationship, that could be enough to keep the AP partner feeling enough longing to want to stick around. It's also possible you were securely attached to each other even if both AP overall.