Post by maxymax on Dec 18, 2020 23:23:45 GMT
My parents divorce came as a shock to me too at the age of 11 or 12. It was a pretty tumultuous divorce. I was split between both parent's homes 50/50.
I hear what you're saying. It has been almost impossible for me to let go of those good times. They were my first love, they were so fun and exciting, at the time, I thought she was as wildly in love with me and so happy with me and that felt really good too. I planned really fun and unique and thoughtful dates, we went out with my friends that were in relationships and everybody had such good times together, we went on a great vacation together. There were so many great things we talked about doing together. I was just so damn happy, it's hard to let all of that go. Even harder by that sudden flip of the switch.
I know a part of me wants to have those good times with her again, even though the bad things she did to me were pretty brutal. I never thought of myself as a man that would forgive somebody for treating me the way she did. I feel like that tiny sliver of hope is still alive because we are connected the way we are. For most people they never really have to hear about or from or see their ex again, they end up living completely separate lives. But we're connected, we hear about each other, we see each other. It feels like she's close enough but not really. It sucks. And yet I think a part of me doesn't hate it.
It's so crazy, sooooo many freaking people have said she is no good. People that don't have any skin in the game to try to be nice and make me feel better with their words. I was combating a lot of these missing and sad thoughts with everything people have told me is bad about her and the bad things she did to me, I need to get back to doing that. I need to force these things about her being avoidant and inconsiderate and crazy down my own throat. Not even think about the other side of the coin.
I think the combination of this time of year bringing up a lot of memories and knowing/seeing what's going on with this boyfriend is just combining to really hurt right now. I have to somehow not make the fact that her boyfriend is somebody she slept with behind my back or how outlandish it is that their relationship is, matter to me, I can't assign that extra value. Yes it's fucked up. It's twisted I will have to be around him. But if I try hard to not let it mean anything extra to me maybe I'll be ok eventually.
I can't really imagine being with somebody else. Although I had been somewhat hurt before, and maybe this is a good thing, but I don't think I'll ever be able to start a relationship with that sort of excitement and hope and vulnerability and feeling of freedom again. I'm not sure how I'll trust somebody again to be honest.
I actually had a pretty bad day today, my friend that I work with told me how my ex reached out to him about going on a trip with my best friend, his fiance, and my friend and his girlfriend. My already racing mind went into overdrive and I had the strongest visceral reaction I've had in a long time. Felt actually pretty anxious. Feeling a bit better right now though.
The whole situation is just soo incredibly screwed up.