Post by lostfaithinhumanity on Dec 19, 2020 1:26:27 GMT
Hello, I'm new here. I'm a female in my late 30's, divorced with kids. My general attachment style is secure, although I'm leaning preoccupied with this new guy I'm seeing. He's in his early 50's, divorced, and we have kids the same age. So quite an age gap, but we are in similar places in life. He's a self-proclaimed avoidant.
We met back in October through online dating, and we immediately had a strong connection. We are very physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to one another. And the conversations we have are amazing, we are vulnerable with each other. He even cried at one point when discussing a recent loss in his family. He has opened up about deep insecurities with me. He had an abusive and neglectful childhood, and he dealt with extreme poverty. He recently told me his previous girlfriend would berate him about his penis size, which I find to be terribly abusive. His ex would make him feel like he could not satisfy her. I am absolutely fine with his size and our sex life, and I have told him this much. I was absolutely shocked as he was telling me this. Another insecurity he has is his weight, which again, I see no problem. If anything it's vanity weight, but he compares himself to me (I'm in pretty good shape). I tried to reassure him as much as I could, but he would throw in self deprecating jabs often.
He's made it no secret how he feels about me. We discuss our admiration for one another often, but we have not labeled our relationship, and I was fine with this.
He's all but told me he loves me. he would tell me how much he thinks about me, how he's told his friends all about me and they love me (I met two of his friends.) He also voluntarily told me that he isn't seeing anyone else and is not on any dating apps. I have not requested exclusivity from him or brought any of this up - this is all him.
His communication was pretty consistent for a while. But I did notice a pattern of every time we would get together and it would be quite intense, he would share these deep feelings, and then he would be pull away for a bit. I get it. The emotional out-pour is a lot for him and he needs to recharge. During this period, I mirror his communication and let him fully lead. One time he came over for dinner and he was going to spend the night. We were intimate that night and afterwards we fell asleep. I ended up waking up and he was gone, it was 4 am. He left a very sweet note, basically explaining how he couldn't sleep, and he had terrible diarrhea (poor thing lol) and he just wanted to go home. I get it, when I'm have diarrhea, I just want to be home too. He ended up calling me the next day to apologize for bailing in the middle of the night, but after that phone call he pulled away. I figured he was slow fading me because it took 2-3 days to hear from him again. But to my surprise, after he took a few days to himself he was back to communicating on a consistent basis. Which for us is 1-2 lengthy and thoughtful text per day, sometimes more if we are planning something, sometimes we can go a day or two without talking if much isn't going on. Rarely would we go more than 3. I'm comfortable with this pace.
So just recently he comes up the idea for us to get a little cabin for a weekend get away. He seemed very excited about this idea, and I was too. He asked about my schedule, we found dates that worked, and he found this wonderful little romantic cabin that would be perfect for us. We discussed it, we agreed we both liked it and our schedule was wide open I thought done! Great! He booked it! Nope, I was wrong... I get a text a few days later that he just sat down to book the cabin and it was already booked. He was really worried I would be mad at him, I was disappointed but not mad. I didn't say anything discouraging at all. Told him, "no worries, it happens." So he starts looking for another cabin and he's sending me listings, we go back on forth on a few options and settle on one. This time, I'm like ok, he gets it now, he needs to be more persistent and book it because they are going fast. Well... that didn't happen. I get another text the next morning and he's so mad at himself, he didn't book it that night because he got "distracted" and he sat down to book it and it was booked out too. So then he suggest we wait until after the holidays. I was super easy to get along with, and I'm like yeah thats totally fine. We had plans for him to come over to my place to hang out the next day, so we said we would discuss the trip more in person. When we came over, we brushed the subject, but honestly we couldn't start looking because we didn't have our kids' custody schedule fully mapped out for the month of January, so we both agreed to come back to it when we know what the month will look like. But now having the advantage of hindsight I'm really starting to wonder if really got distracted or if he went into panic mode about spending more time with me.
Anyways, that night we had an amazing time, we sat on my couch and just chatted the night away, again, he got super vulnerable with me, and told just how amazing he thinks I am, and how much he truly cares for me and adores me. We made love that night and it was very passionate and intense. At one point while we were making love, he literally grabbed my face and said "I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..." over and over and over (maybe 20 times). That night we left and we were both laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. He was making impressions of his old dad who is Italian and I was making impressions of my my who has a thick Alabama accent, we were both being so silly and in our own little world. This is also the night he opened up about his insecurity about his penis size and his "love handles." (His words.) So yeah, he went from professing his feelings for me, to laughing, then having sex, then discussing his deepest insecurities, and then laughing again... I get it, it was a big night.
He left that night and when he arrived home he sent me this text: "I made it home safely. Thank you again for an incredible evening, I hope you sleep well. I can't wait for our weekend escape!!!!!" I reciprocated his text, told him I had a lovely time and I'm also super excited for our weekend get away.
It's been 5 days and I've heard nothing. I guess you could say he's deactivating (I'm still reading the book) I was fully expecting him to pull away a bit due to the intensity of our night together, but this is much longer than he usually pulls away and I'm sure he's done and is ghosting me. Interestingly enough, he has brought up in the past how ghosting is such a shitty thing to do, so I'm wondering would this dude really have a conversation with me about how terrible ghosting is and then turn around and do it to me? Maybe so. I feel like I'm losing my faith in humanity. The other thing is, he borrowed a book from me (his idea), but it feels so weird and inappropriate for him to ghost like this when he borrowed something from me. Yes, I can easily replace the book, it isn't an original signed copy or anything like that, but it's more the principle. Should I just let it go or ask for my book back?
I feel like my head is spinning, he has these emotional outburst almost about how he feels for me, he plans weekend get aways, but can't hit the final button and plan it. I have mirrored his communication style, but also been honest that I have feelings for him too, I have not come across needy at all, and he has even thanked me for my patience. And now... gone. I feel used, cheap, and gross
I was really starting to fall for this guy. I know I shouldn't try to make sense out of this, there is no sense in trying. I could use support from others who have been on both sides of the coin. I can hardly get out of bed today because I'm so heartbroken.
I really want to ask him how it would make him feel if a guy treated his teenage daughter this way. I don't think I will ask him this, but it's a thought that bubbles at the surface.
We met back in October through online dating, and we immediately had a strong connection. We are very physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to one another. And the conversations we have are amazing, we are vulnerable with each other. He even cried at one point when discussing a recent loss in his family. He has opened up about deep insecurities with me. He had an abusive and neglectful childhood, and he dealt with extreme poverty. He recently told me his previous girlfriend would berate him about his penis size, which I find to be terribly abusive. His ex would make him feel like he could not satisfy her. I am absolutely fine with his size and our sex life, and I have told him this much. I was absolutely shocked as he was telling me this. Another insecurity he has is his weight, which again, I see no problem. If anything it's vanity weight, but he compares himself to me (I'm in pretty good shape). I tried to reassure him as much as I could, but he would throw in self deprecating jabs often.
He's made it no secret how he feels about me. We discuss our admiration for one another often, but we have not labeled our relationship, and I was fine with this.
He's all but told me he loves me. he would tell me how much he thinks about me, how he's told his friends all about me and they love me (I met two of his friends.) He also voluntarily told me that he isn't seeing anyone else and is not on any dating apps. I have not requested exclusivity from him or brought any of this up - this is all him.
His communication was pretty consistent for a while. But I did notice a pattern of every time we would get together and it would be quite intense, he would share these deep feelings, and then he would be pull away for a bit. I get it. The emotional out-pour is a lot for him and he needs to recharge. During this period, I mirror his communication and let him fully lead. One time he came over for dinner and he was going to spend the night. We were intimate that night and afterwards we fell asleep. I ended up waking up and he was gone, it was 4 am. He left a very sweet note, basically explaining how he couldn't sleep, and he had terrible diarrhea (poor thing lol) and he just wanted to go home. I get it, when I'm have diarrhea, I just want to be home too. He ended up calling me the next day to apologize for bailing in the middle of the night, but after that phone call he pulled away. I figured he was slow fading me because it took 2-3 days to hear from him again. But to my surprise, after he took a few days to himself he was back to communicating on a consistent basis. Which for us is 1-2 lengthy and thoughtful text per day, sometimes more if we are planning something, sometimes we can go a day or two without talking if much isn't going on. Rarely would we go more than 3. I'm comfortable with this pace.
So just recently he comes up the idea for us to get a little cabin for a weekend get away. He seemed very excited about this idea, and I was too. He asked about my schedule, we found dates that worked, and he found this wonderful little romantic cabin that would be perfect for us. We discussed it, we agreed we both liked it and our schedule was wide open I thought done! Great! He booked it! Nope, I was wrong... I get a text a few days later that he just sat down to book the cabin and it was already booked. He was really worried I would be mad at him, I was disappointed but not mad. I didn't say anything discouraging at all. Told him, "no worries, it happens." So he starts looking for another cabin and he's sending me listings, we go back on forth on a few options and settle on one. This time, I'm like ok, he gets it now, he needs to be more persistent and book it because they are going fast. Well... that didn't happen. I get another text the next morning and he's so mad at himself, he didn't book it that night because he got "distracted" and he sat down to book it and it was booked out too. So then he suggest we wait until after the holidays. I was super easy to get along with, and I'm like yeah thats totally fine. We had plans for him to come over to my place to hang out the next day, so we said we would discuss the trip more in person. When we came over, we brushed the subject, but honestly we couldn't start looking because we didn't have our kids' custody schedule fully mapped out for the month of January, so we both agreed to come back to it when we know what the month will look like. But now having the advantage of hindsight I'm really starting to wonder if really got distracted or if he went into panic mode about spending more time with me.
Anyways, that night we had an amazing time, we sat on my couch and just chatted the night away, again, he got super vulnerable with me, and told just how amazing he thinks I am, and how much he truly cares for me and adores me. We made love that night and it was very passionate and intense. At one point while we were making love, he literally grabbed my face and said "I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..." over and over and over (maybe 20 times). That night we left and we were both laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. He was making impressions of his old dad who is Italian and I was making impressions of my my who has a thick Alabama accent, we were both being so silly and in our own little world. This is also the night he opened up about his insecurity about his penis size and his "love handles." (His words.) So yeah, he went from professing his feelings for me, to laughing, then having sex, then discussing his deepest insecurities, and then laughing again... I get it, it was a big night.
He left that night and when he arrived home he sent me this text: "I made it home safely. Thank you again for an incredible evening, I hope you sleep well. I can't wait for our weekend escape!!!!!" I reciprocated his text, told him I had a lovely time and I'm also super excited for our weekend get away.
It's been 5 days and I've heard nothing. I guess you could say he's deactivating (I'm still reading the book) I was fully expecting him to pull away a bit due to the intensity of our night together, but this is much longer than he usually pulls away and I'm sure he's done and is ghosting me. Interestingly enough, he has brought up in the past how ghosting is such a shitty thing to do, so I'm wondering would this dude really have a conversation with me about how terrible ghosting is and then turn around and do it to me? Maybe so. I feel like I'm losing my faith in humanity. The other thing is, he borrowed a book from me (his idea), but it feels so weird and inappropriate for him to ghost like this when he borrowed something from me. Yes, I can easily replace the book, it isn't an original signed copy or anything like that, but it's more the principle. Should I just let it go or ask for my book back?
I feel like my head is spinning, he has these emotional outburst almost about how he feels for me, he plans weekend get aways, but can't hit the final button and plan it. I have mirrored his communication style, but also been honest that I have feelings for him too, I have not come across needy at all, and he has even thanked me for my patience. And now... gone. I feel used, cheap, and gross
I was really starting to fall for this guy. I know I shouldn't try to make sense out of this, there is no sense in trying. I could use support from others who have been on both sides of the coin. I can hardly get out of bed today because I'm so heartbroken. I really want to ask him how it would make him feel if a guy treated his teenage daughter this way. I don't think I will ask him this, but it's a thought that bubbles at the surface.
