Need advice dealing with a (likely) FA ex-gf

She responded and said she doesn't know what I'm talking about regarding anger and trust and that I don't need to feel like I owe her an explanation. She said that right now we're on different paths apart from each other and that she's enjoying doing her own thing. She said it's okay to check-in once in a while but that it's me time for both of us. I told her I appreciated her telling me her boundaries and that I'll respect that. But I also told her that I still want to be with her and that if she feels the same she should reach out.

Can you honor what she said above about the 2 of you being on different paths? It sounds like she isn’t looking for your apology or validation of her feelings. Can you be ok with letting that go? Part of what I do a lot and have seen in other FAs is this need to make things right. Address a perceived wrong that I did so that the other person does not have a negative view of me. But in that desire to make things right, I tend to make assumptions about the other person...and I tend to place more value on my wanting to make amends rather then hearing the other person saying whether the amends are really needed. Have you asked her to clarify what she means about the 2 of you being on different paths? It might provide you with insight into whether she sees a future with you or not.

What if she decides she only wants to remain friends...would that be ok for you?  When the guy I dated broke up with me, he kept in touch...even wanted to hang out from time to time and I wanted so desperately to believe we could get back together but he just did not want to throw out the friendship with the relationship.  I am not saying that is why she is staying in contact...but it isn’t uncommon for some people to want to stay friends.

Just circling back for some more advice, this time about handling ups and downs. Things have been difficult for me since I last posted, but despite that, I was really able to limit my bad days to single days, and was generally having more good days than bad. The last week or so it's just been a string of bad days and I feel myself heading in the wrong direction. It felt like a good time to reach out to the community here.

The biggest trigger for me is I started a new job. It was immediately clear that it wasn't a good fit when, in my second week, my boss screamed at me out of nowhere criticizing me for my time management, which is one of my strongest skills honestly. I stood up for myself and he gave me a half-assed apology saying it was a miscommunication (it wasn't and he never used the words I'm sorry just that he misconstrued the situation). But the damage was done and things have not improved in the two months I've been there. I've been on the edge of quitting since, and have kept working cause it keeps me busy and pays well. Friends have encouraged me to quit, but family has told me to tough it out. I've spent all my free time applying to jobs and finally had a good interview on Friday (fingers crossed).

Meanwhile, my mother, who has BPD and is the source of all my trauma, has really worsened. She's been really depressed throughout the pandemic and is starting fights and screaming at me and my sisters. I'm living at home and my sisters don't. We're in a city I haven't lived for a decade, so I don't have many friends here. That's coupled with the fact that the city I live in is still pretty closed down due to the pandemic, and my family has imposed our own restrictions on what we can do because of high-risk family members. So I spend most of my time working, and when I'm not, I stay in my childhood room, reading, watching shows, or calling/Skyping friends in other cities just to avoid the situation. It's just less than ideal.

Ultimately, I just really hit a wall this week for two big reasons. I hung out with pretty much my only friend here last week, and the day after I saw him, his brother committed suicide. It triggered me because my mom had a suicide attempt when I was in high school, but also because we had been talking about grief on our hike from both our long-term break-ups. One of the things we were talking about was closure, and how you don't get it in a lot of situations, and he brought up the example of when a family member dies all of a sudden. It was a really good chat and then that happened with his brother. I've done all I can to help and I know he's grateful but it's just really tough.

I had also gone on a couple dates with a girl who I really enjoyed talking to and was starting to like. But she appears to have stopped talking to me. After last week's date, I walked her to her car and asked her how it was going and she said really, really good and gave me a hug goodbye (I haven't even hugged my grandma in a year). Then she immediately started getting short with me via text and when I asked her on a third date, she said she had a back injury, and I haven't heard from her since. I can take a hint but it sucks. Dating has honestly has brought out insecurities I didn't previously have. I've found there to be more women who will lie or ghost you, rather than tell you they're not interested. I'm mature enough to appreciate someone telling you straight up that it isn't a good fit!

All this is outside of the obvious problem of my ex-girlfriend, who I haven't heard from directly. About a couple weeks after sending her that last text, she removed almost all the remaining pictures of us together -- but also any evidence of the last couple years existing (pictures of the cat, the city we lived in, etc.). It obviously made me feel like shit, but I took that obvious hint of her wanting nothing to do with me. It actually kind of helped because I was able to adopt a mindset of "All I can do is focus on myself, and if she reaches out, I'll deal with it then." That helped me through the bad days and I've done a good job of focusing on myself.

But then suddenly over the last couple weeks she's been popping up in my life via social media. Two of my best friends got engaged a couple weeks ago (these are such good friends that they literally called me after it happened.) Once they made their announcement, my ex commented on it despite maybe hanging out with them a handful of times (this also came from an account that I don't follow her on). That has just set off two weeks straight of her commenting or liking social media posts of my friends, co-workers, etc. I immediately went on a week-long social media cleanse, but then logged on over the weekend and found her commenting and donating money to a co-worker of mine whose dog had a surgery. I have uninstalled all the apps on my phone.

I've felt really petty and angry at myself for getting mad about social media, as it's never been a problem for me in the past when dealing with exes. But I've had a number of my friends reach out and tell me it was really weird on her behavior as she wasn't doing that for the previous four months. I've figured out that I'm angered by the fact that she erased all existence of me and is ignoring me, but my friends and co-workers, who she would never have met without me, still exist. My insecurity is feeling erased from my own life.

I know the obvious is to block her and I'm getting closer to that point. But I'm hesitant to for many reasons: 1) It wouldn't stop her from interacting with my friends, it would just stop me from seeing it. 2) I've personally always seen blocking as petty -- I've never removed pictures of my exes even when it ended badly, because the memories are parts of my life that I draw on and I don't want to erase them; and 3) Obviously there is a part of me that wishes she would come back, even though I realize it's less likely by the day (I've felt for the last few weeks that I'm never going to directly here from her again).

I guess I just needed a place to rant because I feel the negative thought patterns that I've been able to avoid over the last 1 1/2 months starting to creep back.

Well, I'm back. I was having a realllllllly good stretch until this week.

I was able to channel a lot of energy into focusing on myself. The biggest things I did were 1) Deciding to deactivate my Facebook account; 2) Getting vaccinated, which has allowed me to get out of the house, see friends, go on dates, get out of my toxic home environment, spend time alone when I need it, etc. and 3) Channeling all my energy into getting out of the toxic job I was in.

Luckily I found a new job, but here's the unfortunate catch: It's in the same city as my ex. I had applied to a job in a different city, but it had already been filled. The company liked me and offered me a job in the city she's in. I pushed off making a decision for three weeks and talked to literally more than 60 people about it and made sure to make a decision once I was ready to do so entirely in my own interests. I ultimately decided to take it because it's a really good opportunity, the bosses were really respectful of my needs regarding work-life balance, they're paying me significantly more than any job I've ever worked, and in my line of work, I can't really be picky.

I've been working remotely for the first month and it's early, but so far it's been incredible. My co-workers are great and the work is great and not overwhelming. The only issue I've had is working on a different time zone (I've been exhausted!) and my apprehensiveness about moving to her city and not knowing anyone (but it's very big, there's a lot of young people and I would never have to see her if I don't want to.)

About a week ago, I got a text from a former co-worker that my ex-girlfriend contacted her asking me if I moved to her city. I hadn't posted anything on any social media that I started a new job (I was still getting settled and hadn't made any sort of new job announcement, which is common in my line of work.) I work in a very public-facing industry, so if you went looking for me, you could find where I'm working easily. I basically just told my friend that I can't tell you how to respond, I don't care if she knows cause she was going to find out eventually, and my only request is that you don't get stuck in the middle cause that's unfair to all of us.

Fast-forward about a week and it's just all really hitting me because of the message my ex sent. She basically told my co-worker that she saw I had a new job in her city, told her she was uncomfortable reaching out to me, saying she'd rather not have contact with me and that she was just curious about me. My former co-worker (this is the same friend that my ex kept blowing up her social media posts a few months back) was really uncomfortable about it and reached out to me because they are not close. Honestly I'm glad she did cause I would have been more upset if she didn't.

It's just bringing up all the same feelings again. I'm already hyper-emotional about moving somewhere close to her. My therapist kinda warned me this would happen and that my missing of her would return as I got closer to the moving date. I've been able to handle that by just telling myself my feelings are normal and it's okay. But this has just kinda set me into overdrive because it just feels like continued lack of respect for my boundaries and I'm not sure what she's trying to accomplish besides making me emotionally overwhelmed.

I admittedly had to look up what hoovering was, and I'm not sure if that's what she's doing here. It kinda felt like she was concerned and angry that I was moving there. It's just all made me feel really out of control for the past couple weeks, and I'm having trouble regaining that control in my life. Just ignoring the situation and staying my course is not helping at the moment. Any advice (outside of reaching out to her) would be appreciated.

I don't think it's reasonable to try to get inside her head and interpret her motives for asking about you, and it's also not something to put any weight into. People get edgy about their exes all the time. No matter the history, she's going to have her take and you have yours and the two takes will remain forever divergent. Not every ex is an evil narcissistic psychopath, and if you give the "shes out to get me" narrative energy you'd just going to feed drama in your own head. I'm with tnr9, see if you can find positive ways to distract yourself and knuckle through the addictive type of feelings you are feeling- be it craving or withdrawal or something else , it's making you sick. Take good care of yourself, set the boundaries with people who would potentially mention her, and do your best to move on but without all the hanging on to her with persistent anger and resentment as others may advocate for you to do. That's not peace and freedom it's just bitterness, and it prevents people from actually finding the answers they need to create a healthy relationship in the future. You don't want to be that guy popping up with all kinds of rants about your ex, nor the guy who pines after her, so pursue your emotional health as if your life depends upon it because in a way, your GOOD life really does. Some people truly never move on or repeat the same patterns over and over, and that knowledge itself, the knowledge that people really do die bitter and alone, once motivated me to make changes and find a better way to address my own happiness. Anyway, good luck, I'm sure you're a great guy who doesn't deserve a bunch of extra pain so do what you can to not heap any on yourself. I hope you feel better soon.