getting my stuff back / advice on dealing with my ex FA

"...always without any feeling, in a very cold way although my msg was friendly, i answered "around 5.30" in the same tone one hour later" - are you texting ? How do people text in a "cold/friendly" tone ?

She has moved on. Remember the: Black and white thinking, friend or enemy thinking, splitting if bpd ect. - you are now black, enemy, in the past, ex, a fling maybe....

You have to choose your battles.
Can you tell her, to put your stuff in a garage, in a shop nearby, so that you can pick them up not having to interact with her ?
Or you can suggest 2 or 3 different dates, where you can come to her house to get your stuff back. The message has to be written in a way, so that it is clear to her, that she has to choose one of the 3 suggestions and that she has to  get back to you. Remember the request!

You also have to choose how important it is for you to get your money back. Maybe she will never pay them back to you. And then its a lesson learned for the future.
...Not a lot, like 70 euros (about 85 dollars), but it's for the principle, I won't let it go.
- So what is it really about ? 
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/19310/
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/18822/

You can also try to think of, if you explicivilly told her - when you gave her the money - that it was a loan and that she had to pay the money back to you ?
My male neiboughr, who dated a very annoying bdp women, never got his money back....I think a first he got blindsided by all the hot, loud and crazy sex - later he had a stress reaction and had to get sick leave from his work.

You can try with a short message, write that you need the money and that you are expeting to get your money back and tell her to put them into your bankaccount no. xxxx,xxxx,xxxx

Or to put the money in the same bag together with your clothes and the other stuff, that you want to get back.

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25919/ - boundary setting model - homework
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38350/ - the broken record method
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39032/ - you always have a choise

I would be firm, direct, use broken record method if she is being flacky and has got a lot of excuses ect. while keeing in mind what kind of person I am dealing with.

Good for you and that you can find support in you mother and sister.

AP men and some men with some disorganised attatchmentstyle, can be more in their feminine energy. Maybe also because your dad suffered from depression, so that you dident grew up with a healthy masculine rolemodel who could show you healty masculine anger and energy ? (sometimes depression is repressed anger that is  turned inward)
You can work with your healthy anger, boundaries, your masculine energy ect.

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37991/ - feminine and masculine energy and the 4 different attatchmentstyles
Do you want to get more into masculine energy(many women loves this), then there is one thing that is most important to focus on: set your limits/boundaries and go for some of the goals you have set. Do not let anyone castrate you.

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39184/ - boundaries and the different attatchmenstyles

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39239/ - inner and outer boundaries

Shes the cold one now. She has proberly shut down.  Theres nothing more to say for her it seems like. Lets hope that she dosent come back - and if she does, then you will have your firm, no bullshit boundaries in place, right ?

Being cold-  is that something that you do not want to see yourself as (your dark shadowsides) ?
Because you are the cool guy, the pleaser ex. - women (and other people) can loose respect for you, if you are walking arond with a nice and cool persona. They cant feel you and you risk not beeing seen as trustworthy.

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38962/ - the cool/chill guy

Anger exersises to get your life energy back:
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/984/lifeenergy-back-anger-exercises-meditations

No more Mr. Nice Guy:
www.audiobooks.com/audiobook/no-more-mr-nice-guy-a-proven-plan-for-getting-what-you-want-in-love-sex-and-life/322707?refId=38796&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIv9yfjd6Q7gIV9UeRBR1ZggOcEAAYAyAAEgKwRvD_BwE

You wouldent lash out at her, because you are working on becoming more secure from now on and you want to keep your own dignety. You can risk getting overwhelmed and get a more dysregulated nerveussystem, if you dont release you anger in a controlled way. You can also risk damaging/hurting the other person.  Its not about dumping your anger on other people. You are allowed to lash out in you anger letter, using SE tools - pretendig you are a lion, a jaguar, a bear with claws, that lashes out.

We can have different angerpatterens with different people in different situations.  jebkinnisonforum.com/post/39289/

You can talk to her and strangle her, shake her ect in SLOWMOTION in this exercise -even if shes not there.... This  2 chair anger exercise also helps you to process your anger and it helps you to get back into your own power - anger is a natural feeling when our boundareis gets crossed, wne we get rejected and when we do not get our needs met - you can do it as a detox 5-10 min each day for 30 days. An then you can change the person in the chair with one of your exes, your dad ect. You have to use FACTs when you do the exercise, so that you do not make things up, otherwise you will stay in a victim-role.  jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/

Healthy anger jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38958/

Trauma therapist Roger Jackson and Togetherness founder Adam Wilder discuss the role of anger, why it can be seen as taboo to express it and how to cultivate a healthy and enriching relationship with it. - www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShgfkOiAPeM

Peter Levine - releasing anger technique- 4 min. in - www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByalBx85iC8

Because you are learning not to let other people perdict and dictate your mood and actions.
You do your inner work, you do some of the exercises on this board, you work with you anger and your broken heart , you seek a therapist who knows how to work with the instinctive, emotionel and cognetive level - top down and bottom up.

You can join a mens group, where you can share experiencens and where you can help eachother to get more into your masculine energy, where you can go out in the woods together (if allowed) and make a fire and sleep outside, do the haka dance or whatever you like to do as a man ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2799/working-feminine-masculine-energy-man

You can try to play the scenario in your head of how it would look like ,if you confronted her irl. and lashed out- you would proberly look like an idiot... how dare she find someone else that fast ... 
You can say out loud - "This sucks, but I will be okay. I which you had ended things diffrently - but you dident."

We cant know whats going on in her head. Why is it important to know if she would cycle back to you ? Because you want to get back with her or because you want to get a change to reject her or ?

Focus back to you!

You need to learn how to be pro active:
jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/1198/victim-deal-negativity-role

I agree with much of the advice anne12 is giving you.

It's also good you're angry, as that's a grief processing stage.

That being said, I'm going to challenge the story you are telling yourself.



There's no reason to assume she was lying or led you on. At all. As you already know, she's not an emotionally healthy individual. Unaware and extreme FAs disassociate. They can't connect to their feelings and don't have a stable identity. They tend to react and respond, but believe what they say in the moment. So if you already know this isn't about you, it's about her limited capacity to deal with relationships and her issues attaching to others, why paint her black in this way that assumes the worst about yourself? Why tell yourself a negative story about yourself, that you're easily replaceable and a beautiful woman doesn't want you because you're not enough and you believe lies and are gullible, instead of telling yourself the true story instead, which is that she has too many issues?




To continue this, you are giving all your power away and letting her define YOUR identity, instead of you feeling strong enough to be okay with yourself on the inside. Rejecting her doesn't matter at all, because all that matters is you do not abandon yourself. This is very painful, but neither she nor her actions nor even your story about her feelings for you (as you are projecting many assumptions about her feelings) are important now as they don't reflect on who you are. You and you alone define who you are. This is a big struggle for AP and anxious FA. These insecure types rely on external validation and emotional regulation. They look to others to make them feel okay because they do not know how to feel okay from the inside.

This is not you becoming less "Mr. Nice Guy." Not at all. Being a nice guy means someone who respects others, who respects themselves and is supportive but not at their own expense (you see the other person as an equal, not putting them above you and doing things for them you don't actually want to do), and who doesn't look at relationships as transactions (you must be equal and fair at ALL times, you must both pay the same amounts of money, if things are not equal all the time then there is a power imbalance in the relationship -- no, these are all insecure attachment attitudes). It is not being guarded because you can't trust others. It's what I've said in other threads about slowly getting to know someone without the rush, to see if they are a stable partner worth your time, while also working on your own confidence, self acceptance, and trust in yourself.

You keep abandoning yourself and having bad boundaries with women who are not able to have full, healthy romantic relationships of the kind you say you want. You now need to make your own words and actions line up. If you say you want that great relationship yet only choose emotionally unhealthy partners, then you are inconsistent yourself and your actions (picking partners who can't give you a healthy relationship) are the truth about what you want.

You don't need to reject her to get your power back. All you need to do is accept both yourself and her as incompatible, and that she doesn't define you so you'll be okay. You define yourself, and that's what leads to good boundaries and helps with the grief processing.

I do hope you get your stuff back. I think you will, whether she actually sees you or not, as my FAs always made the trade even if they were reluctant and difficult about it.