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Post by Sagey Val on Oct 2, 2015 12:58:45 GMT
Hello,
I have just come across the adult attachment theory, although I am familiar with Bowlby and childhood attachment. I would like to ask a question regarding a recent experience of mine.
I was involved with a 40 year old man, a couple of years older than me. He has never had a relationship longer than 5 years, and never married although he has lived with women he has been in relationships with. He suffers from anxiety. We talked for over 10 months online before we met, owing to his anxiety which manifests itself in romantic relationships. We met over a period of 3 months. It was very quick and it seemed as if he was very much involved with me emotionally and then he suddenly stopped. Said he was too busy to see me and I was making things difficult for him. It was very sudden and unexpected. I respected his decision and wished him well, saying I hoped all went well in the future for him and I hope he could be happy. He got very angry and said I was trying to cut him out of his life.
It seems to me as if he is fearful-avoidant, would you agree? Have I made things worse for him?
It is worth me trying to purse a friendship with him? We have known each other for a number of years and move in the same social circles, I don't want things to be awkward for either of us. If I do want to have a friendly relationship what is the best way to re-establish contact in the hopes of being friends?
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Post by Jeb Kinnison on Oct 4, 2015 3:32:40 GMT
It sounds like he is both fearful-avoidant and has additional anxiety issues -- if he were were only fearful-avoidant, the anxiety would not be so conscious.
I don't think your behavior made anything worse for him. He has probably encountered many possible partners who realize he's not going to offer them a secure relationship base and so calmly wish him well. His reaction shows you would likely have been blamed for problems that came up as a result of his anxieties, not a good situation for anyone.
Your best bet for establishing a cordial relationship is time. When you encounter him, be warm and friendly but a bit distant. If he reacts well to that, you might consider further social activities like meeting for a meal and discussion. If he treats your boundaries with respect and doesn't subject you to more baseless anger, then a friendship is possible. But if not, the polite, distant routine will preserve the social niceties.
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Post by Sagey Val on Oct 4, 2015 11:47:12 GMT
Thank you for your reply. Your comments have chimed very closely to what I was instinctively feeling. I have not engaged in conversation with him either offline or online since he got angry with me. Although we are still facebook friends I am maintaining a distance by not following his feeds or checking his page.
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Post by Sagey Val on Apr 4, 2016 10:41:35 GMT
Hi,
I wanted to update you with my situation.
I took your advice and gave him a lot of time, we didn't talk or see each other. This situation went on for roughly 4 months then I heard through a friend that he had been very ill. I sent him a message saying I was sorry he was unwell and I hoped he got better soon. I want to say that I was not trying to initiate contact here, I did not expect him to reply, it was an act of kindness in the face of a serious illness. A few weeks after when he was recovering he began to make tentative contact with me, I always replied in a friendly manner but did not pursue the conversations. Out of the blue he called me and asked to meet, we have meet a few times since and have discussed what went wrong before.
He states that he wants a relationship, that he feels more for me than just friendship and that he cares for me. He also says that all the relationships he has ever had have ended because of him and his behaviour. He feels that he is incapable of a long term relationship and that he will ultimately end up alone although that is not what he wants. He talks about people in long term relationships and says that is what he wants and he can not understand how they manage it. He feels intimacy is possessive and he needs time to be alone.
I have listened to him. When we spend time together it is great, we have lots of fun, but he will suddenly need to go and to be honest, this does not bother me at all. If he needs time to himself or with other people, that is fine because the time we spend together is so great. I am more than happy to let him initiate contact when he is ready.
I don't feel that we are in a relationship, but we do care for each other and I like that.
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Post by StillLearning on Apr 25, 2017 21:21:07 GMT
Hello Sagey Val,
I am experiencing something potentially similar right now, though I am the man and my ex is 10 years younger than me. According to my shrink (I say this very lovingly, as my shrink has helped me tremendously through some brutal times and he still does), I have a secure attachment style. But certain behaviors from my ex definitely triggered some anxious/pre-occupied traits that I do not love feeling. After an incredibly turbulent year together, I shared with her that I was not as happy as I would like to be in the relationship (with hopes that we would both work together to resolve our issues). With the benefit of hindsight, that did not go over very well! And she immediately thought the relationship was doomed; she started pulling away; was suddenly wanting to date other people (though keeping the sex strictly between us); informed me she felt trapped/caged; etc.
So....I was wondering how you "delivered" the message to your friend about attachment styles? I would like to do the same for my ex in as "safe" a way possible with the goal being growth/learning oriented (for me, first) in that: (a) I know I cannot change her, though it's heart breaking that I cannot help her, (b) I would like to learn as much as I can about her perspective on my attachment style(s) to help me "improve" on relationships going forward, and (c) I would like to be friends with her at some point in the future.
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