last episode = i got my stuff back ! Jan 14, 2021 20:23:44 GMT
Post by KAI on Jan 14, 2021 20:23:44 GMT
Ok, it's been a one month and a half that my supposedly-FA ex suddenly went cold on me after a one week trip we took together.
Right after we got back, she started deactivating = 3 days with minimal contact (not at all what this relationship looked like in the 1St 5 months where i got the impression that we were communicating very smoothly). I ended the minimal contact period just by asking "what's going on?", she answered reassuring me, and it felt ok at first, but it was then followed by 10 days of us trying to find a better dynamic, and me withdrawing (turned off by her behaviour) as well, as she mentionned too much closeness. So at the end of the 10 days, she breaks up, saying she doesn't feel enough drive any more.
One week later, i find out that she's probably back with her ex who she said during our whole relationship that he was a low life, and could'nt compare to me and so on and so forth. (also, i was the person she was waiting for..)
I'm just back from getting my stuff back. She was quite vague about whether she was gonna be there or what. But this morning she confirmed she would. She was less cold when we chatted this morning, and we even managed to make a few jokes.
I was very nervous still, but it went quite well. I got back all the things i was asking for. We had a little chit-chat introduction for 15 minutes or so "how are you, what have you been up to". But at some point, i couldn't resist in cutting the small talk and ask a few more serious things.
I managed to stay calm and in control, even joked but i needed to hear it.
It's the 3rd different version of why she would'nt give it chance and broke up = 1st time the night we broke up, (very emotional) she basically described being an FA (if you're too far, i don't feel well, and if you're too close, i feel locked up/ your vulnerability brings out mine, and i cannot let that happen (ie get in touch with my weaknesses/ i projected a lot on you, and i want a perfect partner, i know it's crazy/ and of course "i don't have a drive any more"). 2nd time = "we had reached the end of it, it just happened sooner than we thought it would" and now the 3rd time she mentionned "our different lifestyles" and "our age difference" (14y). (of course : how can you argue with that: we will always be 14y older/younger, so there is nothing to be done)(to be noted that of course we talked about that when we were together, and she always said she had always been attracted to older partners, that she's been 2 y with somebody 13y older, and she liked it. (i think from the info i could gather, that partner was a DA, and i think at some point they were merely professional partners, no sex anymore, both on their avoidant side i guess)
it's funny because, as time goes by, the "fault" is gradually switching to me .. It started with her explaining some of her issues then some kind of in between "we had reached the end of it", and today my lifestyle, my age ...
I asked why she would be so cold after the breakup, that it didn't have to be like that, as there were not too much turmoil in the breakup itself, no violence, no ill-talking. She said "i'm like that, i always need some time "off", and then it can go back to being smooth" (fa?)
I couldn't help but mention the going back to her ex that i've heard terrible things about during our 5 months of relationship (because he was pursuing her like crazy and they had to work together in an organisation from time to time). She confirmed it happened "a few days" after we broke up, and said she was the first surprised of how suddenly her feelings changed back to him. When i mentionned that she'd been talking badly about him the whole time she said she "was thinking the things she said when she said them" (one of Alexandra's last post on one of my thread was exactly suggesting that, i found it really interesting). She said that she was angry with him for something that happened between them that was none of my business (i remember when we were together that she said something uncool happened with him sex-related, but didn't want to tell more, i didn't insist)
It's the only time when i got a bit too far. I said she had a lot of work to be doing with her analyst. I'm sorry i've said that, but afterwards she told me that was too hard on her, i apologised, and we laughed.
So that's it, i managed to be nice to her most of the time, not too judgmental and tried to talk about it patiently, and not in an angry way.
We hugged, i wished her well, said i had nothing against her, and mentionned meeting later, but i don't think that's gonna happen.
I think even if i've not been harsh on her, i've seen too much of her vulnerabilities and called too much of her disorganised behaviour to be brought back in her life, even in a platonic way. Plus i don't know if i would want that either. But it felt good to not give the impression that we were dead to one another. That's the worst .
AND YEAH, FOCUS ON MYSELF, i know.