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Post by maxymax on Jan 15, 2021 1:27:26 GMT
I shouldn't have looked at her instagram but I did only to see her post a story of a picture from 3 years ago today when we dated the first time around. It was a picture that her now boyfriend of a year was in in the background. She captioned it with "3 years ago I met my love on a fancy trip". Right after that family trip, in which she was texting me every day, checking in with me throughout the day, sending me pictures, video chatting me, she blindside dumped me 5 days after getting back. A few months later, I found out she slept with the guy that was in this picture while on this trip. She probably wished me sweet dreams right before or right after sleeping with him. We wound up dating again 6 months later for a few months, before she blindside dumped me again.
Now she's been with this guy for a whole year. He's from the UK but basically they've lived together right off the bat and are only apart for a month here and there. I hate it more than anything.
Right before that trip she was telling me how the last couple of months we had been together was the happiest she was in such a long time, how she thinks about me all day and how amazing I am. Tells me she's not going to fuck me over, that I had her and she was all mine.
One of the reasons she said she broke up with me (an subsequently somebody else she was seeing after me) was I always did things she wanted to do and felt like I relied on her energy (no clue where any of that even came from since I planned almost everything we did). This new boyfriend is living with her with not a single friend or family or even job here. Everything she does he's likely involved since he has no life of his own here. He must be completely reliant on her!! How is that not fucking bothering the shit out of her with him!?? I mean what the hell could this guy even have to offer with just no life at all here and to be living together. No friend group, no job, nothing. The second time she dumped me, she said there was a moment that I kissed her cheek from behind when getting ready together one morning and that was the moment her switch flipped. How has she not had a moment that triggered her like that yet!?
My aunt that is a therapist and said she strongly identifies with her, said this guy is just a thrill for now, eventually he won't be. That was over a year ago. Doesn't seem like that applies anymore. My roommate who knows her well said she's crazy, she's gonna go from fling to sling, never settle down, that there was nothing I could have done, she's just this type of person. Well now she's had this guy living with her essentially for a year. That's out the window. My therapist a few months ago said she doesn't think my ex knows whether she's coming or going or knows herself or loves herself and also said she thought whatever she was doing with this new guy was for now and she'd bet money she dumps him cold like she did to me and other guys in the past. Well, again, now they've been living together for a year... What fucking gives!!??
Rather than feel like she's a horrible person and I'm lucky we're not together, I just feel sad and heartbroken she didn't feel enough for me to not do that. That she's clearly so much more committed to this guy than she ever was me. That she's being the amazing girlfriend to him that I always knew she could be. Seems like she would never do anything to hurt him ever. But me? Hurt me so badly in such selfish ways. Why him!? Why wasn't this me?? I was so damn good to her. Maybe I was too good to her.
All she ever expressed to me were positive things. High interest, high attraction, high satisfaction. We did really fun, interesting things together. Until the day she dumped me both times. I don't understand what was sooo wrong. What was so bad. Where the incompatibilities even came from.
I just can't get over that this is who she has chosen to be so committed to and so wildly in love with. The most unfuckinglikely person. Couldn't bother to communicate with me but is maintaining this relationship for a whole year. I feel like if it were ANYBODY else in the whole world I wouldn't care. But him!?? Really???
I know I have posted about this before but seeing her post that picture really got me, needed to vent. She has absolutely no qualms, reserve, shame anything about the fact she was actually seeing me when she met and fucked him for the first time. Unfuckingreal. Ugh I just want to scream and punch something. wwttfffff
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Post by serenity on Jan 15, 2021 21:40:12 GMT
Hugs Maxymax,
It feels so very painful being replaced, and I am sorry you are still struggling emotionally with it. In my own experiences, a lot of this pain passes when you have moved on to someone new yourself. Have you been dating at all? Recovery from an awful breakup can make you feel like shutting down and closing off. But the world is full of beautiful people, lonely people... good people who want to find happiness in love. You owe it to yourself to explore and discover what is possible, using your knowledge of attachment styles to assert good boundaries and pick a better match. You will easily forget this woman who hurt you when you are happy in love again.
I'm sure part of you realises this already, but what you see on social media concerning an ex will never tell the whole story. They live together, thats all you really know. A woman who has a history of lying is also fully capable of making statements on social media that are untrue, or only partially true. You have no idea if she, or, he are faithful.
And just as a reminder, unaware FA women will anxiously attach to DA guys who mistreat them. You can't take this personally; its just the way attachment works until a person takes responsibility for their insecure attachment and works to change it. Her choices have nothing to do with your worth as a man, and likely only suggest that you treated her well. That makes you good boyfriend material, and there are many women who will appreciate you for that.
Get back on horse <3
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Post by maxymax on Jan 16, 2021 2:56:48 GMT
Hugs Maxymax, It feels so very painful being replaced, and I am sorry you are still struggling emotionally with it. In my own experiences, a lot of this pain passes when you have moved on to someone new yourself. Have you been dating at all? Recovery from an awful breakup can make you feel like shutting down and closing off. But the world is full of beautiful people, lonely people... good people who want to find happiness in love. You owe it to yourself to explore and discover what is possible, using your knowledge of attachment styles to assert good boundaries and pick a better match. You will easily forget this woman who hurt you when you are happy in love again. I'm sure part of you realises this already, but what you see on social media concerning an ex will never tell the whole story. They live together, thats all you really know. A woman who has a history of lying is also fully capable of making statements on social media that are untrue, or only partially true. You have no idea if she, or, he are faithful. And just as a reminder, unaware FA women will anxiously attach to DA guys who mistreat them. You can't take this personally; its just the way attachment works until a person takes responsibility for their insecure attachment and works to change it. Her choices have nothing to do with your worth as a man, and likely only suggest that you treated her well. That makes you good boyfriend material, and there are many women who will appreciate you for that. Get back on horse <3 Thank you for responding serenity . support and having people to talk to helps when I get anxious and messed up like this. I don't feel like I can vent to my boys at all anymore. Haven't really been dating. I've pretty much completely lost my self esteem and any confidence I once had. Been in a rut for a long time trying to find myself and figure out my life. Any women I have been out with or met or even hooked up with have done nothing for me. Nobody compares to her for me. Haven't felt that connection or anything even close at all. Don't know how I can give my heart to somebody again after this experience. It's the flip of the switch that has me all messed up. Both times. From her it's all the praise and affection and loving words and actions you could want, constantly affirming she's happy and having good experiences with me and loves me so much and then boom done. And then all the messed up things over the year and a half she did that I now realize probably traumatized me. Thought she was absolutely in love with me and committed to me and now I see her being so madly in love and committed to somebody else. I felt somewhat better thinking she would be going from fling to fling unable to maintain a serious relationship. Made it seem like it wasn't my fault at all. That nobody will get the best of her. Now this is happening. Absolutely tears me up inside. Unfortunately she has some close ties to me so I know too much. While sure people don't post unhappy things on social media, they also don't post things at all if the relationship isn't good or they aren't happy or are losing interest. I just really really don't understand how somebody with literally no life of their own in any facet whatsoever and totally reliant on her for anything isn't making her feel contained or relied on or overwhelmed or triggered at all. I mean wtf does he have, do, say, that is so captivating. Maybe he is a DA, I know he's a free spirit like her. But as far as I know, from what I've heard, he's a good guy. Not the mistreating type. I'm pretty sure I was an amazing boyfriend. I mean, in a post break up talk, she even said "you were perfect". I could be wrong, but I feel like if I did the things I did for her for any other girl, they'd be in all their glory. But of course, the one girl I wanted to love me, didn't feel that way. I just hate soo much that this guy from that damn trip that she slept with behind my back is the one that is getting her whole heart, all of this commitment, everything I knew she was capable of giving. Him of all people. Pretty surprised by the actual visceral reaction I had to seeing this post, some of my thoughts surrounding her lately, and just finding out that 2 of my best friends will be going to dinner with her and this guy tomorrow night. While things like this have made me sad, mad, and caused me some anxiety, these have really brought back a much stronger anxiety in my chest. I just don't get it. I don't even know how to not let it bother me. The only advice that's ever given, and I'm not saying it's not good advice, is to stop your negative thoughts. Well apparently I'm not very capable of that because I've been having them for 2 years. Apparently my mind wants to keep thinking about her and everything that happened. I don't know. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2021 3:37:01 GMT
Rumination is a common issue for people with AP attachment styles. Have you ever talked to a therapist about trying CBT? It can be a treatment for PTSD as well. www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/about/pac-20384610I have a friend who had a very serious partner, who he was with even longer than you were with your ex, and that partner cheated on him, lied about it, then left him for the other guy. He mourned in a self-destructive way for several weeks, then asked himself what he was doing and if he really wanted to sabotage his life over someone else's issues? The answer turned out to be no. He got really objective about it in his rumination and concluded that not everyone is the same, not every partner would be untrustworthy or hurtful, and then he focused on himself and his own life goals -- even though he still had a bit of a window into what the ex partner was doing because they had mutual friends after being together so long. It's been years, the ex partner is still with the other guy, and he moved on without them. Because he recognized he was wasting his life being unhappy, and that was in his control if he truly wanted to fix it. He realized it was his own decision to make. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. No one else defines that for you. It did take a lot of work. It wasn't an easy road because in his reflections back within himself, he realized he had just as many attachment issues as the ex partner did for them to pair up in the first place. But the pain of staying the same was more than the pain of moving on, and he ended up happier for the effort. It can be done! I feel like, from how you speak in all your posts, that in a way you have completely cut yourself off from being authentically open-minded in life... to new people, to new experiences, to anything that's new or different than what you felt with her. That may tie into your tendencies we've previously discussed about your black and white thinking, and your prescribing how things "should" be. It might be helpful for you to try new things for the sake of trying them and reconnecting to yourself, seeing how different things feel. There's a really good thread on the FA support board discussing this further (and discussing getting past longing for partners and exes) here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2826/get-longingIf you are still stuck after considering this and looking into CBT, then you may have a chemical imbalance somewhere too that's keeping you stuck, and Zoloft may not be the right way to treat it (or maybe you need a different dosage). There's a lot of trial and error involved in treating natural chemical deficiencies. You can talk to a professional about that. There's also another good recent thread with suggestions for options about getting more secure and recovering from romantic relationships with other issues on the AP board: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2935/new-member-recovery-tips-neededThis all assumes you're truly looking for answers and help, and that you're not just venting for its own sake. Venting without end is part of the AP pattern as well, because it's tied into rumination and looking to others to provide external emotional regulation. And this isn't intended as a criticism, when I was AP I'd ruminate endlessly and vent until people were sick of not being able to add anything new as well. |
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Post by maxymax on Jan 16, 2021 6:02:54 GMT
Rumination is a common issue for people with AP attachment styles. Have you ever talked to a therapist about trying CBT? It can be a treatment for PTSD as well. www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/about/pac-20384610I have a friend who had a very serious partner, who he was with even longer than you were with your ex, and that partner cheated on him, lied about it, then left him for the other guy. He mourned in a self-destructive way for several weeks, then asked himself what he was doing and if he really wanted to sabotage his life over someone else's issues? The answer turned out to be no. He got really objective about it in his rumination and concluded that not everyone is the same, not every partner would be untrustworthy or hurtful, and then he focused on himself and his own life goals -- even though he still had a bit of a window into what the ex partner was doing because they had mutual friends after being together so long. It's been years, the ex partner is still with the other guy, and he moved on without them. Because he recognized he was wasting his life being unhappy, and that was in his control if he truly wanted to fix it. He realized it was his own decision to make. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. No one else defines that for you. It did take a lot of work. It wasn't an easy road because in his reflections back within himself, he realized he had just as many attachment issues as the ex partner did for them to pair up in the first place. But the pain of staying the same was more than the pain of moving on, and he ended up happier for the effort. It can be done! I feel like, from how you speak in all your posts, that in a way you have completely cut yourself off from being authentically open-minded in life... to new people, to new experiences, to anything that's new or different than what you felt with her. That may tie into your tendencies we've previously discussed about your black and white thinking, and your prescribing how things "should" be. It might be helpful for you to try new things for the sake of trying them and reconnecting to yourself, seeing how different things feel. There's a really good thread on the FA support board discussing this further (and discussing getting past longing for partners and exes) here: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2826/get-longingIf you are still stuck after considering this and looking into CBT, then you may have a chemical imbalance somewhere too that's keeping you stuck, and Zoloft may not be the right way to treat it (or maybe you need a different dosage). There's a lot of trial and error involved in treating natural chemical deficiencies. You can talk to a professional about that. There's also another good recent thread with suggestions for options about getting more secure and recovering from romantic relationships with other issues on the AP board: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2935/new-member-recovery-tips-neededThis all assumes you're truly looking for answers and help, and that you're not just venting for its own sake. Venting without end is part of the AP pattern as well, because it's tied into rumination and looking to others to provide external emotional regulation. And this isn't intended as a criticism, when I was AP I'd ruminate endlessly and vent until people were sick of not being able to add anything new as well. Hi Alexandra, thanks for popping into another one of my threads and providing me some support. I went to 2 different therapists. One that specialized in a multitude of treatments including CBT, EMDR, hypnosis, amongst others. This was immediately following the breakup and she was on the older side so I didn't feel she really connected with my world. My second therapist specialized in CBT. She was actually pretty good in terms of challenging me and my thoughts. I feel like it all just boiled down to, stop your negative thoughts as soon as you can and be consciously grateful. It's always felt like my negative thoughts were really unrelenting and nothing I did helped. As much as I have improved, no matter how much I try to focus on the bad, and tell myself this is part of life and all those sorts of things, I still have the thoughts I've shared in this thread and sometimes have really visceral reactions to them. I don't know what happened to me. I remember in college, this girl I had a much more casual relationship with, but that I was REALLY into, kind of strung me along and toyed with me and once I graduated, I completely cut her off because I was sick of it. I told her I have enough friends and that was that. Moved on from her. The only other girl that broke my heart, I wasn't in love with her, but I didn't question her reason for breaking up with me like this. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship and I just accepted it at face value, was sad and moody for a little while, but never depressed, and just got over it. I was still in college though which made it significantly easier being so busy and having so many options. But with my ex, everything she said, I had to read into and research and figure out the meaning behind it and I haven't moved on. Haven't found my self respect to say fuck that. I have so many times said to myself, I can't control this anymore, this is just making me miserable, this isn't healthy, I need to move on, she was terrible to me, it's like they're fake thoughts I'm just feed forcing down my own throat. Lying to myself. Beneath it all is still this longing, confusion, hurt. I really think if it wasn't this specific guy I'd be way more ok. I just hate it's him that is getting the absolute best of her. And now she's introducing him to another one of my best friends. I try to tell myself, well I had to know this was going to happen, and it's totally out of my control, but the I still hate that the guy she fucked behind my back is going to be at dinner with one of my best friends of 20+ years. I wouldn't say I'm completely close minded to everything. I have started playing music a lot more than ever, I picked up jiu jitsu, I was taking singing lessons, I was training for a triathlon before I got injured. I've lived in another state with a few friends for 2 months out of the year. Especially with covid, there's only so much I can do as well. I've also just had a lot of bad breaks the last couple of years and feel like I can't get anything going my way or catch a break. In terms of relationships, I just don't know. I mean I was sooo sure of what was going on. Of who she was (and now her maintaining this relationship makes me think I was right). I've read so many stories of people being blindsided. Especially in this day and age when everybody feels they have endless options and are trying to live big & better all the time. I mean 50% of marriages end in divorce and who knows how many are unhappy marriages. It's just scary. I can't even get over this one girl that I was on and off with for a year and half. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I were with somebody longer and it ended. I've been on dates, I used to go out with friends once a week or so before covid, I've been in social settings, I've hooked up with girls, just nobody catches me enough. And I just don't want to expend the energy it takes to do all this dating. I don't have the energy anymore honestly. I do understand what you're saying about blank & white thinking. But in terms of the "should be". I don't know if the things I think "should be" or anything outside of normal socially acceptable conventions in terms of how people treat people and act in relationships? I think in my next consultation with the psychiatrist I'm going to tell him about this and see what he says. So far, since it's been done by only facetiming I've pretty much only shared that I've been battling apathy and depression and low energy. Some of me is lookking for answers and advice. And some of it is looking to vent and support. I come back and read the advice and perspectives I get here to remind myself of the more objective and experienced ways to look at my situation. I think every which way I look at my relationship with her, what she's doing now, it possibly all boils down to me finding some way to blame myself? I don't even know anymore. I wish there were things going on in my life that consumed my thoughts like this. I don't know what that could be though. I've searched for that for 2 years and have come up with nothing so far. I will take a look at those threads you linked, thank you for sharing those. I really want to turn a new page and just move on from all of this. I want good things to start happening for me. I feel like my mind and body are fighting me every step of the way though. |
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KAI
Junior Member
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Post by KAI on Jan 17, 2021 9:13:13 GMT
Hello maxymax,
i'm quite new on the board, but have been reading a lot and saw some of your posts. I'm sorry that you should feel this way, and still be in such massive pain. From what i've been reading, i think that girl is taking the place of what some have called here the "phantom ex" i.e the more time passes by, the more you have this feeling that "she was the one", 'nothing compares to her", and it's strategy of avoidance. But you have to look at the whole picture, and she's been treating you very badly. It's also who she is. If a friend of yours was telling that story what would you say to him ? I am in a position that resembles yours : i had what i thought was a perfect relationship, it was amazing, she seemed happy, said so, seemed totally reliable and up for building something with me, amazing chemistry, and deeply in love with me, but then things changed radically and i felt betrayed that she could switch so rapidly to her ex which she painted REALLY black during our whole relationship. She even said last time we met post breakup that she was very interested in me, and had affection, and we had great complicity, but no spark i guess (it's the whole trauma thing that she would be looking after something less reassuring than me, and the ex/new bf probably is as he is bipolar)
Well in the end, do i want such a r-ship ? No. Why would i want a relationship where all the highs i'm getting are to be paid later by really low moments when i feel betrayed, humiliated, taken aback/advantage from, and no communication ? I feel pity for that guy (the ex/new) She is an emotional mess, and at some point, he will get the worst as well, just like he did before when she broke up with him, just like she did to me, except that he accepted to be treated like a dog, which facilitated his going back to her i guess, so yeah he's getting an additional piece of the cake. But i remember 2 years ago, i had something going with a girl which was DA i think. She was very much into dating me, and every time it happened, she was starting to withdraw, answering my sms very scarcely, treating me with no respect. And i accepted that 2 times, 2 times she went back and acted the same. So i decided with this one, i would'nt comply. I made this choice. So i'm not secure yet, but i took a secure step. So i guess i'm improving.
Now concerning your situation, maybe she miraculously found the only person on earth that would be able to put up with her shit. But at what cost ? How would you know what he has to accept to stay in that r-ship ? Maybe it's working because he's constantly adapting. Maybe at some point HE will get tired of making the effort. From what you wrote here, she has a lot of work to do, she is not doing it, so at some point, it will resurface. You can see here stories of people that endured it for years on. And after 15 years or 20 they're like : WHY ?
This is an unhealthy dynamic, and you're the lucky one that could get away, so am i. Now you have your whole life still ahead of you, and you want to waste it ruminating over her and their supposedly perfect r-ship ? It can't be ! I don't know if you heard about it, but there is a book called "the toltec agreements", and one of the agreement (to be happier in life) is : stop making assumptions (so stip assuming they are living the perfect fairy tale). Another one is "do your best". Do your best is = the exact amount of best, not too little, but not too much either. Be kind to yourself. Stop comparing you with that other guy; You're on the board, here, he's not (or is he ? lol), you're trying to work on yourself, is he ? He's probably just trying not to drown.. And maybe they have a good relationship. Thing is, maybe your dynamic could'nt work, it doesn't make you less than him.
You have to accept that a more healthy relationship might not give you the same amount of intensity you got here. But maybe something more lasting, and sweet in the long run, don't you think life is complicated enough as it is that you would have to add an unhealthy r-ship to the lot ? It's draining ! You had passion with her, you know what it tastes like. Many people go through life without even experiencing it, you were lucky (?) enough to experience it, but you have to accept this can't last, and you can find intensity elsewhere, and have a calm, supportive relationship which won't put you down regularly.
When i need to soothe myself that is what i am thinking about the r-ship i had= it's like i got on a trip, it was really great, i enjoyed it a lot, now i have great memories, but at some point, i had to come back home, cause it's safer. I don't speak the language of that country, it's unbearably hot, yes, the food was excellent , but my stomach could not handle it for too long. And that's it. Also, from what i read on the board, there is the honeymoon/limerence effect which tend to prove that this is the best moment of the r-ship with insecure people (and that is what we both had, in my case, there won't be anything else) = the time when insecurities are still manageable for them, and you don't feel them too much, so it's an illusion of what the relationship would be like in the long run, you cannot base your feeling on that, it is biased. You probably got the best of what this relationship could offer.
Annie12 has got some really great stuff about self-soothing if you care to look at her threads.
Use that experience to become the best version of yourself (you already started i think) so that you can meet somebody else and make her and you benefit from that experience. Don't become addicted to the pain, it ain't love.
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john
New Member
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Post by john on Jan 17, 2021 16:28:32 GMT
I'm new here as well and have been reading both of your posts and I hope I can add a little perspective as someone a little older I think. I recently read the book Attached. One of the things the book has you do is a Relationship Inventory. Now, I have been in a committed relationship for 28 years, but prior to that I did have a couple of relationships that lasted several months and if I am honest, they ended badly (I was dumped in both cases). I was in college and very immature. In both cases I knew these girls weren't the one, but still, in both cases, I exhibited insecure behaviors including trying to get back together with them, putting them on a pedestal, etc. Looking back now it all seems really silly. The reality is that they were both disasters in their own way and did me a favor.
My biggest takeaway from the book so far is asking myself what would a secure person do. It's kind of like what KAI says above - if a friend were telling you the story, what would you say to him? That's the perspective. I know it's easier said than done.
I remember that feeling even today though it has faded with time. Rejection hurts even if you know you are better off. Not too long after the second breakup as I was still pining for this girl, I was at a Halloween party and there I met another girl. She was way smarter and way prettier than either of the other two - though far less promiscuous. I found out later that she had been dumped earlier that night. Even though she went to a different school, we had some mutual friends and we all wound up at a Waffle House at 2:00 a.m. 28+/- years later, I am married to her and we have four kids, so you never know where life is going to take you.
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Post by serenity on Jan 17, 2021 21:32:28 GMT
Ah, Hugs you guys.Hurts so freaking much to feel abandoned by someone who you believed loved you. Someone who fits that perfect imprint of "lover" that resonates with deep unmet needs, perhaps from times unmemorable.
These people help us meet our wounds in a way that is both agonising and transforming. And the agony sure hurts. You feel it in your body, the sapping of energy, the visceral sensation of anxiety, the choking of grief. And when we hit overwhelm, we defend ourselves with whatever tools we can muster.
Inside all of us is a loving protector. During times of trauma, it so comforting to muster up that part of our psyche. He or she can talk to our wounded selves, is responsble for creating and defending boundaries to prevent more hurt. I know in the depth of my black hole, that part of me is what pulled me through the worst of it.
You need to get to a place of repulsion for those things that hurt you the most. You need to assess people from a position of "do I trust" instead of "do I love". You need to know that ongoing intermittent contact with an ex to whom you bonded traumatically is harming you. You have to find the strength to cut them out. You deserve it, and your wellbeing depends on it.
Maxy, I know you feel lost right now, so try this: block her access to you on all platforms, phone everything. Block her social media; use a chome extension like ublock. And ask mutual friends to never mention her again. Stop feeding this trauma any energy and start moving your thoughts towards your boundaries and real desires. Get in touch with your internal protector. This can all be a process, but that is the way to heal from this.
All the advice on this forum about healing deep trauma is spot on too. But that is another matter, and can take years when it comes to imprinted trauma wounds. Start with cutting out toxic people from your life.
Hugs
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Post by lovebunny on Jan 20, 2021 14:48:20 GMT
I feel you, MaxyMax.
I'm sure you know this, but...stop looking at her Insta. When you get the urge to look at her soc media or talk about her with mutual friends, come here instead. Hear me???
I was in a similar situation to yours not long ago after the FA woman I spent every night with for 8 months dumped me for another woman. I was blindsided, just 2 days earlier she'd told me she loved me, made love to me, held me all night. I was her first relationship in 5 years, I thought we were good together. She and the person she left me for are still together almost 2 years later.
Believe me, I did ALL the ruminating. I was in pain for a very long time.
I went on antidepressants, journaled, read selfhelp books over and over, came on this forum and got support, and threw myself back into life and dating (this was pre pandemic) even when I didn't feel like it. Often, I felt like one step forward, two back.
Good news is, slowly, eventually, the pain subsided. And eventually, I let someone else into my heart, someone with more secure attachment, and now when ex pops up on my social media or I run into the happy couple in public, it doesn't ruin my day.
You just keep your chin up, you didn't do anything wrong and there is NOTHING wrong with you!!!
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Post by annieb on Jan 20, 2021 16:30:13 GMT
Hey, I don’t know if there is a scientific term for this, but this is what it is. It’s like a reward/ addiction cycle, but for the pain/ invalidation. It’s just as addictive as being addicted to a pleasure. When you look at her Instagram you get a jolt of invalidation to continue the negative validation loop you’re in. There really isn’t any cure of this other than working on your self esteem. If you are not in serious therapy, I would give it another shot. If you are strong enough to get out of it, you probably could, but most of us sought out professional help. It’s there for you to use and take care of yourself. I would give therapy another go.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2021 15:27:05 GMT
Hi there.....i took a break from this page.....please, stop looking at her pages...it only hurts you and you are in control of that. Once I stopped looking at B’s page I have been able to address things within myself. There are a lot of things that are outside of your control...but this 1 thing.....you do have control over.
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Post by dhali on Jan 26, 2021 4:22:50 GMT
I’ll give a different perspective, and it’s that you’re trauma bonded. Your ruminations are you in the freeze state which was never allowed to release after the breakup. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Trauma bonds are hard.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 26, 2021 17:01:15 GMT
I’ll give a different perspective, and it’s that you’re trauma bonded. Your ruminations are you in the freeze state which was never allowed to release after the breakup. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Trauma bonds are hard. Hey Dhali.....good point. I have had to resign to the fact that I have this incomplete picture of B. I haven’t been able to fully embrace that there were aspects of him that did not make him a good partner. Super challenging to move on when the storyline and memories are based on a fantasy version. |
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