john
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Post by john on Jan 15, 2021 1:32:21 GMT
I know that these can sometimes turn into novellas, so I'll try to stay on point. I am male and AP per several online assessments though one indicated secure. She is FA per the same assessments - though I didn't need an assessment to tell me that. We have been together for 28 years and married for over 26. We have four kids with one in college. We married young - 22 and 23 - fresh out of college. I was her first serious relationship and her first real lover. I had a few relationships before her, but nothing lasting more than a couple of months. We're what you might call upwardly mobile. We both came from broken homes and were determined not to make the same mistakes as our parents. None of our parents remarried or found new relationships after their divorces.
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer - now in remission after chemoradiation and surgery. I also found out she borrowed a large sum of money without telling me and I had some setbacks at work and turned 50 - all in the span of about 18 months. I have been in a very dark place. In seeking therapy, I came across attachment theory. I read Jeb's book and Attached and Sue Johnson's book - pretty much in a weekend. She took the assessments at my request and is reading Attached. She says she feels like she should throw herself off of a bridge - jokingly of course. Still, I am encouraged that she seems to be taking an interest by reading the books though it seems to be taking her a while to finish the first one. My fear is that she will abandon this in due time - would not be atypical.
I'm putting this out here to say that I was unhappy even before the cancer. Our relationship has always been a roller-coaster as described in the books. I have fantasized about leaving and looking for someone more settled, but I really fear winding up alone - though I am pretty lonely now. I have managed to deal with most of her distancing behaviors over the years as I convinced myself that I am ok being alone - as long as I know she will be home eventually. She doesn't like being at home. She often doesn't come home until 9:00 or 10:00 at night. I know where she is as she is usually with one or two of our kids at their dance studio where she spends a great deal of time. I am relatively secure and always have been that nothing is going on and am not worried about infidelity or anything like that. I used to call and text, etc., but that only led to strife. Eventually I said as long as you give me a time you will be home and honor it, I am good. Since then, that's how we have played it. She still shows up late, but I generally let it go. Again, the AP gives in. Or if she is home, she will stay downstairs away from me or make a point that whatever I am watching is not what she wants to watch and go to a different room. There's a lot more to this; this is the CliffsNotes version.
I wasn't going to post any of this except - this morning when she left for work, I asked her if we could talk tonight as she wasn't going to the studio and would be home. She said no problem and even made a little joke about putting me in her calendar. Then, lo and behold, I get a text this afternoon that she needed to work late and then go to the studio with an "OK?" at the end. I thought, per Attached, what would a secure person do? I just texted back "OK". So I guess my question is how do I approach this? I know my AP sense wants to go on the attack, but that will just lead to a fight and her shutting down. I did say OK. Part of me just wants to observe what happens when she gets home and see if she even acknowledges the discussion we had this morning - probably another insecure AP move. I hate all this uncertainty. I guess Mr. Secure would just say, "Can we talk?". and lay it all out. I suspect she will still get defensive. Any thoughts?
John
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simon
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Post by simon on Jan 15, 2021 11:36:33 GMT
Damn, there's a lot to unpack here, but it seems that you are very self-aware of your own actions and what is going on in the bigger picture. But no doubt, these type of patterns can be frustrating as hell.
First, she is probably slow to read the books and such because they are triggering for her, reminding her of her own shortcomings. I have heard from several FA or DA types that "Attached" can leave them feeling hopeless and heavily shamed internally as broken. For instance, it may be helpful to recommend some of Thais Gibson's videos, as I feel they come across from a place of empathy and compassion, and this may give her comfort. Remember, with a core wound of not being good enough or shame, it is delicate.
Yes, her behavior is classic avoidant in many ways, and although she tests as FA, she leans heavily towards DA in that construct, which means it's really hard to get through or have them open up or be comfortable with "having a conversation". And this is the challenge, you have things you want to talk about, but it's going to be really hard to get them to listen or come to the table to meet you. The default pattern is disconnection and separation. Based on her behavior, it also sounds like classic enmeshment/engulfment trauma and fear of being controlled, where being around an "other" is very uncomfortable, typically from having heavy responsibility and/or instability during their childhood, so they are (unconsciously) safer "alone" where nobody has any needs of them or is around them. Again, not about "you" in the present moment, but literally their nervous system is hyper-vigilant around others that "may" have needs or want to connect. Stan Tatkin has some good insight here (http://sonyathomaslcsw.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/Addiction-to-Alone-Time-Stan-Tatkin.pdf).
And to be honest, it seems you have your AP side under really good control, and what you are asking for is completely reasonable and calm and that you aren't over-reacting or lashing out to her in an overly anxious format, so very good job on your part and I see a lot of "Secure" behavior and reactions and statements - it sounds like you understand by now that this is not about "you". But you still owe it to yourself to have boundaries, and address your needs.
So here's what happened today. You asked for a conversation later, she said ok and covered up the first slight tinge of anxiety with the joke about the calendar. Then, as the day went on her anxiety rose as her limbic system got activated, and she needed to sabotage the possibility of conversation. It likely wasn't logical, she just knew she felt anxious and needed to lower that feeling any way possible.
Typically, it is important for these types to feel in control of "choice"... so a good way to approach might be "I'd like to talk, when would be a good time in the next couple of days?" ands that way it feels like it is THEIR choice. I don't think "Can we talk" works because it is asking her permission and lowering your own needs, instead of "I would like to talk and it is important to me" and choose a time and stick to it, but yes... keep it light or her nervous system will activate and you will scare her away. Above all else, she needs to feel safe in order to communicate.
And maybe it would be easier for her to digest a letter or written words? How do conversations go in person? If not well, then maybe written would be better.
But it all sounds very frustrating and best of luck, you need to be fair to your needs as well.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 15, 2021 12:00:32 GMT
There's a model of how to have a good conversation and how you can ask for one in the thread "how to create a long lasting juicy relationship" - general discusson forum. The first and second post. There's also a Lot of other good couples exercises in the same thread. The good conversation: 0. Tell your partner that you would like to have a talk. 1. Agree a time when it suits both of you - when there is time, no stress ect. 2. A, tell what your purpose is with the conversation. What do you want to achieve? "I wish we could spend more time together" 3. What is the deeper need? "I want to feel more connected with you", "I want to feel that I matter to you' 4. How important is the need in the head on a scale from 1-10? How important is the need in the heart on a scale from 1-10? (there can be a difference from the feeling in the head to the feeling in the heart) 5. B tries to imagine/feel the importance of the conversation for A and A s need 6. What does it do to B that A has this need and the importance of As need? 7. A asks B what do you need from me to be able to help provide this need of mine ? Read the model for the good conversation with your partner. There are different tips on how to talk to an avoidant, desorganised, ambivalent or secure partner.
It sounds tuff with your cancer ect. A lot of people seek couples counseling when there is major life crises. Havent you been to couples counseling together ? There are some selfregulationg tools in the self/co regulating thread in the secure discussion forum. Read and practise tihe watertankexercise (the first post). It helps you to land your nerveussystem, when your sympathetic nerveussystem gets activated. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ectAbout talking about attatchment styles I would use this "model" - you talk together and you both share and you dont point fingers and you dont diagnose eachother. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/30611/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31000/ |
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john
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Post by john on Jan 15, 2021 16:46:13 GMT
Thanks for the replies. Well, here's what happened. I kind of blew it. She got home a little after 9:00 and Mr. Secure took a hike. Mr. AP was there and he went into attack mode reminding her that we had agreed to talk. He also reminded her that she didn't really indicate that she would be closing the studio tonight - just that she "needed" to go. She apologized if she didn't communicate clearly and said she was here now. I told her to go downstairs and get something to eat while I calm down.
When she came back up I laid out that she knew I had wanted to talk and that her texting that she wouldn't be coming home had set me off. I explained that my "OK" was trying to be secure, but that I was still triggered. I even conjured up Mr. Secure from the book. As we were talking I could feel myself become confused and overwhelmed. I didn't know where to go or what to say. I think this is the problem. I've absorbed a lot of information in a short period of time. I feel like I need a roadmap.
So, I tried to go back to basics. I asked her if she agreed that there was something to this Attachment Theory. She agreed that there was. I told her that I feel AP does a good job of explaining how I often feel and avoidant was how I perceive her behavior. She agreed that the avoidant description describes how she feels and the AP description describes how she perceives my behavior. We both agreed that none of this is 100%. For instance, she has never spoken ill of me or put me down - never - even when I probably deserved it. We talked about what we had read. I admitted I had done a poor job of expressing my needs, but that I did feel like I had given her room to roam. She agreed. She said that she felt like the book was telling her that she had to go against herself. I told her I didn't see it that way. I saw it as more identifying with your partners needs and trying to please them. It might be uncomfortable, but that's part of the deal.
We talked about our sex life which has been an issue of late. We have sex often, but it lacks intimacy (this hasn't always been the case). It is very routine and scripted. If I try to introduce anything new it is met with at best indifference and mostly with a no. As an AP, I am of course triggered and she shuts down which leads to an unsatisfying sexual experience. We both agreed on this. She got emotional and said something about being pushed away and not being vulnerable and trusting anyone again. I'm not really sure where this is coming from, but I let it go. She has always had trust issues. To be honest, in the early part of our marriage, pre-kids, she was probably more AP and I was more avoidant. I used to push her away, but that was a very long time ago. We both agree on this.
I was afraid of overwhelming her at this point. Also, she has to get up very early, so I wanted her to get some rest. Maybe always being on the go is an avoidant trait.
We have never had counseling to answer the question above. I have identified an EFT counselor if we decide to go that route. I am starting individual therapy myself in March. This will be my first experience with it. She has agreed to finish Attached soon and then I think I will suggest we read Sue Johnson's book together - can't hurt.
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Post by serenity on Jan 15, 2021 22:17:15 GMT
Hi John,
Its nice to meet you, and I wanted to say I'm sorry to have heard about your health scares lately. Thats a lot to deal with, on top of the emotional aspects of accomplishing the 50 year milestone. Its hard to feel secure when you are dealing with so much emotional and physical vulnerability, but like simon said (lol) I feel you do a pretty good job. Its human to feel triggered at times, and you were open and communicative about it. It was good how you gave yourself some space to cool down too.
Conversations like the one you just had usually don't go well. They come across like a character assassination, leaving your partner feeling criticised and helpless, rather than a statement of your needs and a reasonable proposal for moving forward. From here on, try to work on those two things, and negotiate with her.
Simon suggested watching Thais Gibson's videos, and I totally agree with him . There are so many excellent videos of hers on youtube, that can help you as an individual, and give you strategies for improving your relationship. If you have some time , check out some of the videos about FA. Also, considering your history, you may also be FA, who is the more anxiously attached partner at the moment. Thais thoughtful and experienced videos may help you understand yourself a lot better.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 16, 2021 8:08:14 GMT
If I were you I would learn some selfregulating exercises. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-regulation-exercises-ectI would do the watertank exercise when Im activated. Do it so that you can talk in a calm way. Dont try to talk about things, when you are activated. (But I can see that you already know this) For a lot of DAs on the board, it can be overwhelning, when apś talk too much with too many words and feelings and long sentences ect. Also for a desorganised attatched person it can become overwhelming. Its recommend that you are precise, clear, use short sentences. Saftey and being clear and predictable, with clear messages and clear boundaries ect. is expecially important if you are dealing with an fa (maybe also da). As unsertenty are toxic to the disorganized, also loose and or unclear agreements, they need short, clear, concise messages. You may be the more angry and complaining type of ambivalent. There are two types - maybe more than two. If you are the more angry type of ap, you can have (big) emotional outbursts and become easily flooded by the emotions (which is mix from the past). You think it's all about your partner, and does not see your flood to a great extent stems from your past. You're easy to complain and blame your partner for everything ... but often indirectly and martyrically, say, "You'd also rather be with the others", "You always think of your work first", "I do everything possible for you " ect. Or You are more quiet and more sad and implodes instead of explode. This type is more quiet, becomes sad instead of getting angry, implodes, do a lot for their partner. This type do not blame the other, like the more "angry" type of ambivalent. Ambivalents or fa leaning ap who are overfunctioning in their relationship can also get pissed, because they do not set boundareis and are having trouble expresseing their wants and needs and can have trouble asking for help in a healthy way instead of giving, giving, giving. Your cancer and the treatment of it, may have given you chok trauma, by being in survival mode. You may have stuck fight/flight survival energy in your nerveussystem. Have you tried SE (somatic experiencing) ? jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2532/trauma-chock-fight-flight-freezeIs she FA or DA ? (we often do not only have one attatchmentstyle, but a mix) jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31435/DA can be camuflaged desorganised/FA just as AP (ambivalent) can be a camuflaged desorgnised attatchment style. Theres not much info about FA/desorganised attetchmentstyle in the book Attatched. Sounds like you are more leaning symathetic and your wife is more leaning parasympathetic or ? (We often attract our opposite) If you are coming on (very) strong, her nerveussystem can shut down, and she can go into freeze. Can she speak, when you are getting activated/angry ? (Her voicebox can shut down and it can also be difficult for her to hear what you are saying) - The cranial nerve that activates the voice box and/or the inner ear, can shut down. People living in This state can have difficulty communicating their distress and staying precent when it happens. For people with desorganised attatchment style or other kinds of trauma, IT can occour when a person feels overwhelmed. When we are being confronted with a threat we can become immobiliasied. Some are more a fighter in arguments and conflicts, some are a fleer or a freezer or a fawner in conflicts. Also avoidants tend to lean into parasympetheic freeze state. (Maybe you do not see it as coming on strong yourself, but her nerveussystem can percieve your nerveussystem energy as overwhelming and as a threat) Also you have to be clear about what it is, that you want to talk to her about. What is your deeper need and how important is tht need on a scale form 1-10. You both have to agree, when it is a good time to talk, and when there is not much else going on around you. To have a talk at 9 oćlock in the evening, sounds like a bad idea. Cant you set time aside to talk when you there is more time ? Thats why I wanted to lead you to the general discussion forum - the good converation ect. (The thread is inspired by an attatchment, SE, couples, gestalt therapist/teacher) I do belive that Thais Gibson also offers some good advise on how to handle the different attatchmentstyles and your own attatchmentstyle ect. |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 16, 2021 9:18:21 GMT
About sex and lovemaking: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/37258/.... There are 3 systems running when making love: When having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connects with intensity Attatchment Sexuality Survival What blocks intimacy and good lovemaking: In the individual: Shame (also about sexuality - a person whose parents have been very liberal or very uptight - underweight / overweight) ect. Poor self-esteem (body, emotions, thoughts) Attatchment pattern and carater structures Stress and trauma - Too Many Stress Hormones Can Drain Sexual Desire. Others may Want More Sex to Relieve the Nervous System When Stressed out Trauma and shock trauma can cause the nervous system to shut down so that you don't have as much energy available in your system or it creates more sexdrive Too little sleep or lack of good sleep - especially the feminine energy is hurting (because of small children ect.) Lack of exercise Malnutrition, deficiency - vitamins and minerals, underweight - can go beyond hormone production, malnutrition (obesity) Medicine Deasises Lifecrises Within the couple: Lack of respect - especially if the feminine loses respect for the masculine Lack of intimacy physically or emotionally Lack of presence Lack of couple time together Lack of polarity (between the feminine and the masculine) Lack of renewal in beroomd or in daily life The power struggle phase - including anger, sadness, boundaries - you stop trying...you think more about yourself and your own needs More info and tips . also about the female atonomy ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2718/sexual-blueprint-attatchmentstyles |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 16, 2021 10:24:22 GMT
About fighting: An attatchment therapist explains when there's crises, do not fight/stay in a negative state for more than 15-20 min. - for some people maybe only 5-10 min.. Otherwise the negative state will turn into the long term memory in your brain and your partner, child, friend will "become your enemy". Stop the fight and agree to get back to the topic later. Ask for a timeout if you need a timeout and then do something enjoyalbe or relaxed together instead. If you are very activated, go for a walk, relax in your arms, neck and shoulders, regulate your nerveussystem ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13006/I also like the tip from Diane Poole Heller, who suggests, that you light a candle or put another sign on the table in the livingroom or in the kitchen, that signals when you are ready to talk again. And then you wait for the other person to contact you when he/she is ready to talk. I also remember she also uses the word watermelon, to warn the other person, that you are getting triggered. |
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john
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Post by john on Jan 16, 2021 18:05:25 GMT
Thanks all. Whew. That's a lot coming at me at once. I hope I respond accordingly (pleaser). I probably lean to the angry, complaining AP and she just shuts down and goes quiet. I probably haven't done a good job making her feel as safe as I could and to be honest, I am having trouble with trust after the money borrowing issue. I also admit I have trouble expressing my needs which equals I am not concise, clear or to the point - need to work on that. I am probably an FA leaning AP. As my wife has pointed out, I have been known to distance myself. But hey, maybe I can use this as an advantage. Maybe I can recognize that urge to pull away when I feel it. I'm definitely not feeling it right now.
I watched several Thais Gibson videos last night and even took notes. She really opened my eyes to a few things. I now realize that we both have trouble with boundaries - i.e. we've never really had them. I believe her father suffered from schizoid personality disorder as diagnosed by me and the Internet. He put her into figure skating when she was three years old and she was competitive until a knee injury at 16. She got up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and was driven across town to skate before school. Her father drifted through life never having a real job or forming real connections - just a series of failed businesses. He made promises - like to pay for college - but never kept them. She did things on her own to survive. Even after we met and married he would call and leave rambling messages begging for money or leave notes on our door. He would also disappear for long stretches (thankfully). Her mother was neglectful and could barely function. She wouldn't make basic repairs on their house like repairing a leaking roof or fixing the plumbing even though she had the means to do so. When I first saw her house, I honestly felt pity. But, being from the rural south, I had relatives that lived like that, so to me it wasn't a big deal. I never considered the psychological side of things. Her father moved out at some point, but they didn't officially divorce until several years later. This is the CliffsNotes version - it's actually much worse - and these are just the things I know about.
I on the other hand was raised by a single mom. She was 43 years old when I was born. She kicked my alcoholic father out when I was five. I saw him once in while, but he really never had a job and lived in a trailer on my aunt's farm. He eventually died alone in that trailer and nobody found him for a couple of days. My mom did the best she could, but she probably didn't need a kid at her age. She was a teacher and was good with money and provided. But, she always had a plan for me and was very sheltering. She kept me away from sports, music, etc. It was academics or bust. I felt a lot of shame around my family situation as most of my friends had intact families (later, after graduation, a lot of their parents split up, so I guess it was just for the kids). I was a rebellious teenager, but somehow made it through. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there, though.
When we met, there was a sort of instant connection and we became instantly enmeshed? (I need to research this more). I think one of Thais' videos talks about this between APs and FAs and long term relationships. Both of our mothers are even teachers. Makes you wonder if it's dysfunction or destiny. Trouble is, we've never gotten too deeply into it. I knew her father and I knew his issues, but I've never really sat with her and gotten deeply into her feelings about it. I know it's painful for her and always saw it as none of my business. I put myself in the shoes of a little girl growing up in that environment and I shudder. She's never had therapy, but I now think she needs it. She met my father, but we've never really talked about how I feel about the whole situation. I often tell her I was the lucky one because my father just went away. I am starting therapy in March. I wish it were today.
I went into this thinking that how we got here doesn't matter, but now I am thinking that maybe it does. Thais says that often FAs and APs have never had anyone model a secure relationship for them and I can say that is 100% true for us.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 16, 2021 18:44:58 GMT
Sorry, I don't mean to overwhelm you with information. Just wanted to share some information before I will forget about it. Oh good for you for investigating more about your own and your wife's attatchment style. Sounds like you both need a SE/attatchment /trauma therapist who knows how to work with the instinktive level, the emotional level and the cognitive level. Who knows how to use bottom up and top down techniques. You can do the watertank exercise together then. And some of the touch exercises ect. People with some desorganised attatchment style can be very fascinating to be with. You properly fell in love with each others wounds. It only takes a fifth of a second to activate the 12 brain areas that make you fall in love. The old brain is designed so that we quickly read each other, when we meet a stranger. We know during the first moments most about the other person, at least at the unconscious level. This is because the love template is in the old part of the brain. This part of the brain is extremely primitive in relation to neocortex, where reason and conscious thoughts emerge! The old part of the brain does not operate with chronological time, but sees everything as being right now. Therefore, if you meet a person reminiscent of someone you know or have known, then it will confuse the person with this one. You will then feel safe or unsafe, comfortable or uncomfortable, etc. At the same time, this person whom you fall in love with has sides that you have repressed and lack to accept and / or develop yourself. That is, compensatory sides that makes the other different from yourself. If you are outgoing, you may fall in love with someone who is more quiet and introverted. It gives you a feeling of being whole. Later in the relationship, these sides of the other person you fall in love with,cann be exactly the sides that bothers you the most. Put it another way: The more a person potentially is able to give you the same kind of feelings that you experienced in childhood, the more in love you become! The more in love - the greater the challenges later. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/26196/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/28441/jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-trauma |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 16, 2021 19:51:51 GMT
I went into this thinking that how we got here doesn't matter, but now I am thinking that maybe it does. Thais says that often FAs and APs have never had anyone model a secure relationship for them and I can say that is 100% true for us. How you got here does matter, because a lifetime of unprocessed trauma leads to the coping mechanisms and dysfunctional patterns that are roadblocks in your emotional intimacy. Even if it's no one's fault that you both had difficult childhoods, it's still something you both would need to take responsibility around and heal within yourselves if you wanted to change your dynamic and live your life with less fear and less triggering. Based on your descriptions of your backgrounds, my gut instinct is also that you're both FA, though you've fallen into different patterns based on how you triggered each other over time. It's very, very common for FA-FA to pair, and for one to push the other more anxious while the other is more avoidant, and then switch back and forth as life pushes you to one side or the other through stress and then the partner goes the other way in response. When you're taking those tests online and thinking about your partnership with her, you'd test AP because it sounds like she got even more avoidant when not knowing how to deal with you being sick, which made you more anxious. If you had a clear bill of health and then withdrew from her, she'd probably flip anxious and your anxious-avoidant dynamic would likely flip back the other way similar to when you were younger. If you took another attachment test at a time she was triggered anxious for a while, you'd probably come up more avoidant than you are right now. Probably the important underlying factor to understand about why this matters is when insecure attachment styles develop in childhood, they are unconscious and ingrained in your nervous system, and get triggered automatically. So what happens is, when someone fears abandonment and gets triggered anxious, their nervous system gets flooded and then you feel that desperate need to reconnect and have the other person reassure you in a way you don't feel like you can reassure yourself. When someone fears engulfment and gets triggered avoidant, the nervous system shuts down and there's a numbness and disconnection from attachment feelings. This developed because, in childhood, you needed to stay connected to adults for your physical survival, even when the parents were inconsistent, abusive, neglectful, or unpredictable and scary. The child will usually internalize it and blame themselves, because little children see adults as gods in a way (and need them to survive and are wired to attach to them and get their needs met however possible). They will then develop an insecure attachment style as a defense mechanism to emotionally allow them to stay with the parent and compensate within themselves for all the ways they feel emotional pain. Anxious and avoidant children do this differently because their adult caretakers respond differently to different tactics (inconsistent adult caretakers versus neglectful adult caretakers). Fearful avoidant children had unpredictable childhoods that involved parents who could be scary to them, so they take on a mix of anxious and avoidant tactics to cope. The problem you ultimately end up with in adulthood is, the attachment style had an important purpose to help your survival in childhood, but it doesn't serve you in adulthood and you don't automatically grow out of it the way you grew into it. You can absolutely become more secure and even switch attachment styles over time (I did! And so did Thais Gibson), but it takes consciously understanding and untangling how you got here, using that understanding to put words to your own narrative of how you got here, and reconditioning your nervous system. And since it took years to develop an insecure attachment style, it can take a couple years to undo it. Being on the other side of it, I can say it was worth the time investment. But in regards to working through a relationship that has problems because both partners have attachment issues, both need to be equally invested in their own individual healing to get anywhere. Which means, you can give your wife the information and hope she also wants to change enough to motivate her own progress, but you can't force her. You can only work through your own process, and hopefully she'll be on a similar path. It's really good your wife is willing to read about and discuss attachment theory. It's even better that you're starting therapy. Hopefully she'll observe that it's helping you and maybe will be inspired to start it herself. I agree with the above that Attached doesn't talk much about FA and Thais Gibsons videos will be helpful filling in a lot more blanks that should resonate with her. I know you're getting a whole lot of information thrown at you, but another thing to look into that may help you communicate when one or both of you is triggered is the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses to stress and conflict. Insecure attachment styles tend to respond with at least one of these which shut down open communication during conflict and make it much more difficult to resolve anything over time. I believe there's more information in the links anne12 already provided, and internet searching also quickly brings up a lot of information. Good luck. I think you and your wife actually have a lot of options and opportunity to start working through your issues. Attachment style awareness is the first step and can be painful at first to learn about, since this is all deep stuff, but it also comes with a lot of information about how to heal and improve ways of coping with stress and improving communication over time. |
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