I wanted to provide an update.....my brothers and I got together last weekend with our step mother and her son and daughter for a Chinese lunch in honor of our dad. There were no speeches....just 1 cheer to dad. My brother and I have no fond memories with our dad....and that has really hit me. I do currently have 3 bags worth of his cherished clothes...D&G and other designers of the time...that I said I would sell. I have been going through bouts of sadness....the loss of having any kind of deep, meaningful relationship with my dad in my later years did influence the choice of men I was/am attracted to. I have also had bouts of deeply missing B...longing for a sense of security that I sometimes felt with him. And with that always comes the added sense of loss...because B is married to someone else. I know I will get through this....my therapist says my brothers and I have been holding so much and the process of letting go with take time. So I just allow the feelings and welcome what they have to reveal...knowing that they will not always be at the same level of intensity. I am also allowing myself to miss B....to miss what he represented...a sense of safety during unsafe times....and I know I will find that feeling again in someone else.