Confused and in need of support... Apr 10, 2021 7:14:01 GMT
Post by salientsensation on Apr 10, 2021 7:14:01 GMT
Overwhelmed and I feel like I need to vent... Almost two months in NC, and it seems I'm feeling a bit worse these days about it all.
I tried, and I'm sure he did too.
As things started to crumble I reminded myself to be accepting of all that might come, because it is not our job to "fix" anyone, but only support them up to a point.
I’ve been ruminating from time to time, because parts of it are really confusing to me. How it all switched up in a matter of days.
Sometimes I feel foolish for letting my FA leaning DA into my life again, after 2 years almost. And I resent that I could not ever seem to "click" with anyone all that well during that time apart when dating as I did so harmoniously with him. That's when I realized I genuinely love him.
He never believed he was worth that love, it seems.
He said it all ended before because he was scared of commitment, he wasn't worthy of it with me in his eyes. That he was sorry.
Maybe I should have taken it slower, became friends, assessed his growth better. There was some growth, according to him partially influenced by the talk I gave him when I pulled the cord years back - but it was not enough.
It was great when we started dating again, he spoke of marriage and kids. It was like we've fully turned a new leaf.
Around 5 months in though, he said he was triggered by his mother and eldest uncles pressuring him to marry soon by shaming him thorough comparisons with cousins etc.
One of his reasons for wanting to end things was that he wanted to “cut the cord” before being pulled into a marriage because thinks he is not able to give me what I deserve/need at the moment, calling himself “crazy” for thinking so, and not wanting to hurt me in any way. He felt like he was uniquely damaged mentally in some way for throwing away something he saw as totally harmonious, benign and a dynamic that was quite highly compatible.
After that he asked to be friends, which I did not agree to, but we then agreed to try to work things out and if they don’t? That’s life.
It seems he was ashamed for displaying any shows of love or affection toward me, insisting our relationship was his attempt at starting over with me and he had failed at that and he was stupid for thinking he was “ready”, and that everything was pure coincidence. At some point, he was resolved to the idea that he needed an "indefinite" amount of time to work through things alone, but was open to try and work things out together.
I tried, and I'm sure he did too.
But you cannot heal a person without them realizing their own self worth, or give them strength when all they seem to feel in the moment is fear or resignation. Therapy doesn't seem appealing in that state of mind, I don't think. Although I did appreciate him looking for therapists on his own volition, and I hope he sees brighter days since he's now more knowledgeable about his attachment style and patterns.
I felt shame for a while, for not walking away sooner. I should have pulled the plug when he had asked me "why" I hurt when I see and hear him almost constantly self deprecating, showing self hate and self sabotage.
It boggles my mind sometimes how he could be so empathetic to others, but believes he deserves none himself.
I get the impression he felt pressured to be “perfect” in a certain time frame, that everything was black or white - either he goes into it fully healed, or he avoids it all.
We’re in hard no contact now, but no blocks on either end. It hurts.
Sometimes I question if he had ever loved me at all, and that hurts too.
I feel anger. Anger at how society enables and normalizes child abuse and dismisses abusive relationship experiences for men in many ways. How things beyond both my and his control have pushed him into this cage of avoidance at any sign of true connection with anyone.
I'm sure with time, things will get easier. Recovery's trajectory is not a straight line.