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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2021 14:55:48 GMT
I realize as I am progressing in my therapy, that I am not great at regulating my own nervous system. I am vastly better then I was when I was dating B...but I still “swing” between overwhelm and wanting to check out.
Case in point.....I have a really good friend who has been going through a difficult time. She is also FA and tends to be focused on things that annoy and bother her....when she goes through something that overwhelms her...she reaches out via text and also phone calls. Sometimes I don’t want to answer because I am trying to chill and I don’t want to feel responsible to help her regulate her nervous system....but then I feel like I am not being a good friend.
My mom has even less capability in this space (her boundaries are tighter) then I do so she hasn’t been a great model at the balance I am hoping to achieve.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
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Post by anne12 on May 14, 2021 15:09:21 GMT
What kind of techniques have you learned in therapy ?
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Post by claire81 on May 14, 2021 15:13:53 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on May 15, 2021 8:59:55 GMT
What kind of techniques have you learned in therapy ? Deep breathing and putting my legs up on a chair have been my go to....basically reconnecting to the body. |
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Post by krolle on May 17, 2021 0:56:02 GMT
I realize as I am progressing in my therapy, that I am not great at regulating my own nervous system. I am vastly better then I was when I was dating B...but I still “swing” between overwhelm and wanting to check out. Case in point.....I have a really good friend who has been going through a difficult time. She is also FA and tends to be focused on things that annoy and bother her....when she goes through something that overwhelms her...she reaches out via text and also phone calls. Sometimes I don’t want to answer because I am trying to chill and I don’t want to feel responsible to help her regulate her nervous system....but then I feel like I am not being a good friend. My mom has even less capability in this space (her boundaries are tighter) then I do so she hasn’t been a great model at the balance I am hoping to achieve. Does anyone have any suggestions? kudos for coming so far with your therapy! You are much more down your journey of connecting your body to your feelings than me. Perhaps this shows naivete on my part. But are you sure your problem isn't one more of ethics and internal conflict than nervous system regulation? Selfishness vs altruism etc. I think I understand your situation, I'v been in the same spot with a friend who is struggling with alcoholism before, you feel some sense of guilt when your loved ones are in pain I guess. Sort of like we feel it's our job to fix them (if you struggle with the same wounds as me anyhow). But you also know your own emotional reserves are strung out and have little to spare. Inner conflict ensues and you get stressed anyway lol. Part of me wants to simply tell you that ultimately you aren't responsible for her nervous system. But, I know its not so easy to grasp that when you are emotionally invested in a person and want to help. Nor am I secure enough to be able to tell you what I have to say is good advice. Come up with some responses for when she reaches out and run them by me if you want. I know I don't know you or your friend so it wont be a truly valid experiment. But I can try get into the mindset of someone receiving those messages and let you know how I would likely feel/react to them if that's any help. I'm also FA. |
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Post by dullboat123 on May 17, 2021 1:40:48 GMT
I realize as I am progressing in my therapy, that I am not great at regulating my own nervous system. I am vastly better then I was when I was dating B...but I still “swing” between overwhelm and wanting to check out. Case in point.....I have a really good friend who has been going through a difficult time. She is also FA and tends to be focused on things that annoy and bother her....when she goes through something that overwhelms her...she reaches out via text and also phone calls. Sometimes I don’t want to answer because I am trying to chill and I don’t want to feel responsible to help her regulate her nervous system....but then I feel like I am not being a good friend. My mom has even less capability in this space (her boundaries are tighter) then I do so she hasn’t been a great model at the balance I am hoping to achieve. Does anyone have any suggestions? They're your friends. You help especially when they are going through a difficult time. Its not like they call you 3 times a day talking about the Kardashians. Its much better if FAs develop empathy for others and stop putting themselves first sometimes. Like you've said not being a good friend. Its times like this that you proved to them you're a good friend rather than a "good times" friend. I know how hard it is for FA's to answer calls because it requires effort but biting that bullet and answering that call is also part of the process of earning secure. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 17, 2021 2:14:59 GMT
I realize as I am progressing in my therapy, that I am not great at regulating my own nervous system. I am vastly better then I was when I was dating B...but I still “swing” between overwhelm and wanting to check out. Case in point.....I have a really good friend who has been going through a difficult time. She is also FA and tends to be focused on things that annoy and bother her....when she goes through something that overwhelms her...she reaches out via text and also phone calls. Sometimes I don’t want to answer because I am trying to chill and I don’t want to feel responsible to help her regulate her nervous system....but then I feel like I am not being a good friend. My mom has even less capability in this space (her boundaries are tighter) then I do so she hasn’t been a great model at the balance I am hoping to achieve. Does anyone have any suggestions? kudos for coming so far with your therapy! You are much more down your journey of connecting your body to your feelings than me. Perhaps this shows naivete on my part. But are you sure your problem isn't one more of ethics and internal conflict than nervous system regulation? Selfishness vs altruism etc. I think I understand your situation, I'v been in the same spot with a friend who is struggling with alcoholism before, you feel some sense of guilt when your loved ones are in pain I guess. Sort of like we feel it's our job to fix them (if you struggle with the same wounds as me anyhow). But you also know your own emotional reserves are strung out and have little to spare. Inner conflict ensues and you get stressed anyway lol. Part of me wants to simply tell you that ultimately you aren't responsible for her nervous system. But, I know its not so easy to grasp that when you are emotionally invested in a person and want to help. Nor am I secure enough to be able to tell you what I have to say is good advice. Come up with some responses for when she reaches out and run them by me if you want. I know I don't know you or your friend so it wont be a truly valid experiment. But I can try get into the mindset of someone receiving those messages and let you know how I would likely feel/react to them if that's any help. I'm also FA. Thank you...yes....it has been quite a journey from having no boundaries or walls...to establishing boundaries that are...fluid....and it is still a work in progress. My friend came over tonight and we had a great time....we watched a couple of movies and had dinner. She thanked me for being there for her and stated that she understood that I could not always take her call or answer her texts...especially when I am working. I do know what it is like to have my nervous system all wound up and I do try to be there for her when I can...but it was so nice to here her say that she understood that I could not always be there for her. |
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Post by krolle on May 17, 2021 3:57:06 GMT
Thank you...yes....it has been quite a journey from having no boundaries or walls...to establishing boundaries that are...fluid....and it is still a work in progress. My friend came over tonight and we had a great time....we watched a couple of movies and had dinner. She thanked me for being there for her and stated that she understood that I could not always take her call or answer her texts...especially when I am working. I do know what it is like to have my nervous system all wound up and I do try to be there for her when I can...but it was so nice to here her say that she understood that I could not always be there for her. Pat on the back. That sounds like a pretty successful interaction to me. She felt like she got her needs met and you let her know that your availability has limits, without sounding hostile. I also think it was a smart move discussing this when neither of you were activated/deactivated. The real test may come, in my opinion, when she is very much activated and you are simultaneously very exhausted/deactivated. But I think you have set a good foundation to navigate that successfully. And regarding your last sentence, I'm not sure if its specifically an FA thing, or just a human thing. But I agree on the feeling, when somebody makes me feel understood, it feels better than just about any compliment they can give. Really endears me to them. |
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Post by alexandra on May 17, 2021 4:51:32 GMT
Leaving someone hanging for days without any response isn't good if you're working on secure dynamics, but it's definitely okay to not always be in the mood or the position to respond at length to someone's bid for attention as long as you're still acknowledging them. It is good to have boundaries if you're overwhelmed, coupled with respecting the inter-dependency of the friendship by acknowledging the other person, even if you can't immediately meet all their needs. For example, if I know I can't call someone back that same day, I'll send a quick text to let them know I'll have to get back to them later in the week. If it's not a situation that's slipping into codependency, following up a little later shouldn't be a problem.
It is good your friend recognizes you're not always available on her schedule. As long as you get back to her within a reasonable timeframe (though reasonable can be subjective), I don't think that's being a bad friend at all. Another way to think about it, if someone called you when you were making dinner, would you feel bad that you didn't pick up? Or do you feel okay that you are putting your need of satiating your hunger first and calling back later, as then you'll probably be a better participant in the conversation anyway if you aren't hangry? If you called someone and they didn't answer then later told you they weren't able to pick up because they were making dinner, would you see that as them being a bad friend? Probably not, so don't judge yourself harshly... I'm even wondering if that judgement is coming from someone else's voice in the past.
Since reasonable amount of time may be subjective to the receiver, if the person reaching out to you is someone you're close to you and you're concerned, you can always ask at a neutral, untriggered moment about their general expectations to help inform your decisions. It sounds like that even just happened organically in your current situation.
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Post by tnr9 on May 17, 2021 13:16:52 GMT
Leaving someone hanging for days without any response isn't good if you're working on secure dynamics, but it's definitely okay to not always be in the mood or the position to respond at length to someone's bid for attention as long as you're still acknowledging them. It is good to have boundaries if you're overwhelmed, coupled with respecting the inter-dependency of the friendship by acknowledging the other person, even if you can't immediately meet all their needs. For example, if I know I can't call someone back that same day, I'll send a quick text to let them know I'll have to get back to them later in the week. If it's not a situation that's slipping into codependency, following up a little later shouldn't be a problem. It is good your friend recognizes you're not always available on her schedule. As long as you get back to her within a reasonable timeframe (though reasonable can be subjective), I don't think that's being a bad friend at all. Another way to think about it, if someone called you when you were making dinner, would you feel bad that you didn't pick up? Or do you feel okay that you are putting your need of satiating your hunger first and calling back later, as then you'll probably be a better participant in the conversation anyway if you aren't hangry? If you called someone and they didn't answer then later told you they weren't able to pick up because they were making dinner, would you see that as them being a bad friend? Probably not, so don't judge yourself harshly... I'm even wondering if that judgement is coming from someone else's voice in the past. Since reasonable amount of time may be subjective to the receiver, if the person reaching out to you is someone you're close to you and you're concerned, you can always ask at a neutral, untriggered moment about their general expectations to help inform your decisions. It sounds like that even just happened organically in your current situation. Yep...thanks for the reminder. It isn’t days....it is usually a matter of hours. I have a tendency to leave my phone in my car when I run errands, so I have missed a few calls because of that, I don’t like taking calls if I am using GPS, there have been a few calls when I am in a meeting, but I do text her back that I was working. Things have settled down for a bit...which is nice because I got my second Covid shot and had a really bad night of sleep which she and I discussed. So I am sooo grateful that there wasn’t anything pressing in the moment. |
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Post by happinessrules on Jun 7, 2021 15:03:25 GMT
I realize as I am progressing in my therapy, that I am not great at regulating my own nervous system. I am vastly better then I was when I was dating B...but I still “swing” between overwhelm and wanting to check out. Case in point.....I have a really good friend who has been going through a difficult time. She is also FA and tends to be focused on things that annoy and bother her....when she goes through something that overwhelms her...she reaches out via text and also phone calls. Sometimes I don’t want to answer because I am trying to chill and I don’t want to feel responsible to help her regulate her nervous system....but then I feel like I am not being a good friend. My mom has even less capability in this space (her boundaries are tighter) then I do so she hasn’t been a great model at the balance I am hoping to achieve. Does anyone have any suggestions? |
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Post by happinessrules on Jun 7, 2021 16:32:13 GMT
I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so I usually have lots of time to watch youtube and tiktok videos.I found one woman who is a Trauma Informed Therapist and works on Attachment Styles. and puts out some great content on self-regulation. You can find her at MelissaParksSays. If she doesn't do it for you, there are so many great channels from mental health professionals that discuss important things to regain your mental health. I was blown away at how much a 3 minute video could change my mental health. I never even thought TiKTok would ever be in my life, but this social media venue is amazing. Her segments on Attachment Styles showed me exactly what was happening in our 37-year marriage. I felt like I finally got the operating manual for my husband.
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