Reaching Out To Ex FA To Bring Awareness To Issues?

Hi, I think it's a bad idea to point out behaviors to avoid and suggest ways to do better not because you're coming from a bad place but because if she could just choose to avoid behaviors (instinctive self protection) she would- and she will likely feel quite misunderstood and judged and perhaps even hopeless.

I am avoidant and just posted in the support forum on my struggles, and while hers may not be the same, the feelings of being confounded by ourselves and misunderstood are very alienating. If you are able to have compassion but not truly empathize because you aren't avoidant or a trained professional, your efforts will miss the intended mark.

Alternately, you might think of just sharing a link to the Healing Disorganized attachment thread found here , in the General Forum..  with a simple statement of care and support, no advice, maybe share that it was informative to you to understand her possible struggles more and that you truly hope she finds relief from her pain. Leave it to her to seek advice and understanding where she may. And delete this thread before you do that of course lol.

Tread lightly when you don't really know the terrain, I say. You might crush something you didn't intend to.

What about looking into your own side of the fence?   What attracted you to someone who is struggling with an attachment issue over someone who was a secure partner?  Can you see the boundary of where you end and she begins and respect that, or do you feel it is your job to rescue and save her from herself? (Which is a boundary/enmeshment issue that is very common with anxious preoccupied or anxious leaning FAs).  

It's very typical for people with anxious-leaning attachment (AP or FA) to feel a need to reconnect when their fear of abandonment is triggered. This is about a flooded nervous system anxiously seeking to cling to the person triggering it, looking to ease this anxiety and ensure the insecure's "survival" by convincing them not to leave. It's a trick, (general) you are an adult and can survive as long as you don't abandon yourself, but it was a defense mechanism as a child when someone close to you was unreliable and you couldn't fend for yourself. It made sense to the younger AP/FA, but doesn't serve you as an adult.

The idea of closure, ending things on a positive note, not feeling you communicated properly, it's all anxious insecure patterns trying to rationalize reaching out and finding a way to reconnect, finding a magic solution that doesn't really exist because reconnection doesn't address the correct issue (which is internal not external or even about the ex partner), so it won't help.

That's my long way of agreeing with the other posters that it's a very bad idea to send a message. Self-soothe and mourn first, and give yourself some time to sit with it and really introspect about yourself, your patterns, values, and history. Maybe wait a few months and decide then if it's worth it to you to reach out again. There's also threads on this forum about members (myself included) trying to tell insecure ex partners about attachment theory. It never goes well unless the person is ready to receive it, and that's generally only if they come to you and bring it up, NOT if you go to them.

I'd also say she's aware that she has issues and is already working with a professional on them, so someone should already be steering her in the right direction. It's better to have a professional not a romantic partner help with this stuff as a romantic partner is often a huge trigger of attachment or trauma issues for someone who doesn't quite have their finger on what's going on.

Yes, I feel the same.  Initially that's why I suggested sending the link... because foremost on my mind was the importance of knowing this.  I haven't heard about it in therapy much nor explored it, I've learned about it on the web.  Why aren't more therapists into this? It seems essential.

But- I'm not aligned with the premise of the contact here.  I guess if the ex were looking she would find this stuff like we did. 

When I imagine someone breaking up with me "Our time was fun but..." while I'm trying hard to work through issues, then sending a lighthearted note suggesting which behaviors they recommend I avoid.... with the hopes that I'll have a happy relationship someday....

it smacks of arrogance and insensitivity not help. The message would be lost in the absolutely inappropriate delivery.

And, it also seems to conveniently delete any possibility that the OP might have contributed to the difficulty and impossibility of the relationship. Who knows- but save the advice for when you are in a relationship and need to lovingly state boundaries and needs.