Post by poppy2 on May 31, 2021 22:31:07 GMT
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say that this forum is really fantastic. I've found many situations that mirror my own and the advice and sense of perspective, as well as the vocabulary around certain issues, is really helpful. I was in an anxious/avoidant trap with someone, id never actually met or dated an avoidant person before so I really didn't read the signs well. I thought maybe they were just having a hard time with work or other things (this is what they told me) and I, being or at least becoming anxious in this situation, wanted to believe them. I think that their intermittent reinforcement, or hot cold pull withdraw style, really disturbed my ability to function in a basic way. This led to a really unhealthy pattern because it led to me doing something like 80% of the communicative work, and when I would really help them and provide this basis they would come out of their shell and say what they really think or feel, which was of course helpful for me to orient myself and feel connected to them. They were also very supportive of me and so I don't want this to be a one-sided story, but they were supportive in the sense of 'I will definitely help and be there for you, but I will only very reluctantly accept help from you or anybody.' over time I became increasingly uneasy with this style of vulnerability. Their wish not to be vulnerable is rather serious in their case, as for example they would not accept an anesthetic during their wisdom tooth operation as that would they mean were' out of control'. I found that pretty amazing.
I would really like to try and articulate my story to this forum. I'm sorry if it's a bit long, but I want to do justice to the situation and also ask for help. This is not really for me to 'get better' but rather because I have found their actions so hurtful and incomprehensible, and basically feel so bad and at a loss. I can't imagine, for example, how it is possible to be connected to someone for 10 months, and in the pandemic, and be physically intimate and share many things, and then suddenly cut off contact. This makes me think they are FA, but also with DA traits (or the other way around) . I know of course after reading about attachment theory that one should only focus on oneself and so on, but I feel very wounded and even objectified by their behaviour. I'm doing the mourning, deactivating, focusing on friends and work, and self-care. But a part of me also needs to understand in order to forgive and move on. I know that I'll never get this from them, not really. I feel like they always avoided a real commitment once it became necessary - but also often gave and showed enough of themself to keep me in there - and in the 'power struggle' stage of our relationship they basically took all of the power. I realized something was deeply wrong, not just someone having a bad time or some issues, once they refused to meet a need I clearly expressed in maybe 3 ways. It was hard for me to express this need at the time because it's about a very sensitive issue. They responded first with a affirmation, then with a need for space, then with a random question over the phone, etc. The fourth time they delayed it and blamed something else, I became angry and asked over the phone when they would ever make a commitment to me. They hung up. The next day (I know, stupid), I sent an email trying to reestablish contact. They blocked me for three weeks, and after that when I suggested speaking in two months over email, they told me they don't want to speak again. Then two days later they unblocked me, which I found the strangest thing. I don't know, and I guess I'll never know, if this was a belated attempt at communication or not.
I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, and I'm basically only ever going to talk to them again if they really show up and acknowledge they dismissed a need of mine, they need to take responsibility etc etc. I think this is incredibly unlikely but that is my boundary. Apart from really, really appreciating the opportunity to articulate this story, what I want to ask this forum is how anxious people, or people who have been wounded by DAs or FAs, have suceesfully stopped feeling this day to day breach in your heart which is made by someone else taking power, not explaining, then just cutting you out of their life. To me it just feels painful in such a way that is compounded by this bloody pandemic, my connection with them was really a lifeline for me sometimes and, while I actually don't mind breaking up and felt sort of relieved just to be myself again, and stop worrying and be happy, I also feel this 'hang up / block / remove' strategy is a way of denying my humanity, basically. That might sound like a strong way to put it, and I want to say everyone has the right to leave if they want. Nevertheless, I feel like I've been trashed for no good reason to do with me. I worked so hard to offer them safety recently and it felt very unjust to me that when I needed that safety I was basically a low priority after work and other things, and could be put on the shelf for weeks. And I wasn't going to accept this. It also makes no sense as they offered me safety too a lot, perhaps in their own distanced way, but genuinely too. Of course, after this conflict happened and they did nothing to repair it I doubted my own experience of how meaningful our bond was but I'm sure she falls into the category of FAs or at least avoidant types who feel super guilty afterwards after their fear- based reaction has ended, based on one experience we had before. We had a long period (3 months) of not talking in the middle which was the first time their avoidance became visible. After that I reconnected with them and the situation in a way just became worse until now (typical, I know. But there were also some important communicative experiences in there.)
so, if you've read this far, thanks for reading. The situation is more complex than I had room to describe here, but I hope it was clear enough. I don't want to lose my ability to trust or be open to others, which is why I'm working so hard to process this pain properly now instead of just wishing it away. I feel the body has the innate ability to heal but at the same time understanding, also of the limits of understanding, is a part of being human. Any advice is appreciated from people who are further down the line than me. I think so often, honestly most days, about being about to talk with them again and clarify this issue, even though I rationally know the pattern won't offer me this opportunity. I recognize this disconnect between my heart and my brain and want to heal my heart somehow. If they come to their senses in a month or two and write me a proper explanation and/or apology , I think I would gladly become friends, now I understand my own boundaries better and who they are and what they are able to give. It's not worth losing a relation to someone out of fear or unconscious triggering. But as I say the chances are very slim of this really happening, at least in any time frame I would accept. One last thing to say is the week before this conflict happened when it really became clear they needed to address this need they tried the 'let's just not talk for a few months and then become friends' option, which is what made me think they were DA, but personally I find this insulting as it's not a genuine friendship that way. Thanks everyone for being there.
I just wanted to say that this forum is really fantastic. I've found many situations that mirror my own and the advice and sense of perspective, as well as the vocabulary around certain issues, is really helpful. I was in an anxious/avoidant trap with someone, id never actually met or dated an avoidant person before so I really didn't read the signs well. I thought maybe they were just having a hard time with work or other things (this is what they told me) and I, being or at least becoming anxious in this situation, wanted to believe them. I think that their intermittent reinforcement, or hot cold pull withdraw style, really disturbed my ability to function in a basic way. This led to a really unhealthy pattern because it led to me doing something like 80% of the communicative work, and when I would really help them and provide this basis they would come out of their shell and say what they really think or feel, which was of course helpful for me to orient myself and feel connected to them. They were also very supportive of me and so I don't want this to be a one-sided story, but they were supportive in the sense of 'I will definitely help and be there for you, but I will only very reluctantly accept help from you or anybody.' over time I became increasingly uneasy with this style of vulnerability. Their wish not to be vulnerable is rather serious in their case, as for example they would not accept an anesthetic during their wisdom tooth operation as that would they mean were' out of control'. I found that pretty amazing.
I would really like to try and articulate my story to this forum. I'm sorry if it's a bit long, but I want to do justice to the situation and also ask for help. This is not really for me to 'get better' but rather because I have found their actions so hurtful and incomprehensible, and basically feel so bad and at a loss. I can't imagine, for example, how it is possible to be connected to someone for 10 months, and in the pandemic, and be physically intimate and share many things, and then suddenly cut off contact. This makes me think they are FA, but also with DA traits (or the other way around) . I know of course after reading about attachment theory that one should only focus on oneself and so on, but I feel very wounded and even objectified by their behaviour. I'm doing the mourning, deactivating, focusing on friends and work, and self-care. But a part of me also needs to understand in order to forgive and move on. I know that I'll never get this from them, not really. I feel like they always avoided a real commitment once it became necessary - but also often gave and showed enough of themself to keep me in there - and in the 'power struggle' stage of our relationship they basically took all of the power. I realized something was deeply wrong, not just someone having a bad time or some issues, once they refused to meet a need I clearly expressed in maybe 3 ways. It was hard for me to express this need at the time because it's about a very sensitive issue. They responded first with a affirmation, then with a need for space, then with a random question over the phone, etc. The fourth time they delayed it and blamed something else, I became angry and asked over the phone when they would ever make a commitment to me. They hung up. The next day (I know, stupid), I sent an email trying to reestablish contact. They blocked me for three weeks, and after that when I suggested speaking in two months over email, they told me they don't want to speak again. Then two days later they unblocked me, which I found the strangest thing. I don't know, and I guess I'll never know, if this was a belated attempt at communication or not.
I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, and I'm basically only ever going to talk to them again if they really show up and acknowledge they dismissed a need of mine, they need to take responsibility etc etc. I think this is incredibly unlikely but that is my boundary. Apart from really, really appreciating the opportunity to articulate this story, what I want to ask this forum is how anxious people, or people who have been wounded by DAs or FAs, have suceesfully stopped feeling this day to day breach in your heart which is made by someone else taking power, not explaining, then just cutting you out of their life. To me it just feels painful in such a way that is compounded by this bloody pandemic, my connection with them was really a lifeline for me sometimes and, while I actually don't mind breaking up and felt sort of relieved just to be myself again, and stop worrying and be happy, I also feel this 'hang up / block / remove' strategy is a way of denying my humanity, basically. That might sound like a strong way to put it, and I want to say everyone has the right to leave if they want. Nevertheless, I feel like I've been trashed for no good reason to do with me. I worked so hard to offer them safety recently and it felt very unjust to me that when I needed that safety I was basically a low priority after work and other things, and could be put on the shelf for weeks. And I wasn't going to accept this. It also makes no sense as they offered me safety too a lot, perhaps in their own distanced way, but genuinely too. Of course, after this conflict happened and they did nothing to repair it I doubted my own experience of how meaningful our bond was but I'm sure she falls into the category of FAs or at least avoidant types who feel super guilty afterwards after their fear- based reaction has ended, based on one experience we had before. We had a long period (3 months) of not talking in the middle which was the first time their avoidance became visible. After that I reconnected with them and the situation in a way just became worse until now (typical, I know. But there were also some important communicative experiences in there.)
so, if you've read this far, thanks for reading. The situation is more complex than I had room to describe here, but I hope it was clear enough. I don't want to lose my ability to trust or be open to others, which is why I'm working so hard to process this pain properly now instead of just wishing it away. I feel the body has the innate ability to heal but at the same time understanding, also of the limits of understanding, is a part of being human. Any advice is appreciated from people who are further down the line than me. I think so often, honestly most days, about being about to talk with them again and clarify this issue, even though I rationally know the pattern won't offer me this opportunity. I recognize this disconnect between my heart and my brain and want to heal my heart somehow. If they come to their senses in a month or two and write me a proper explanation and/or apology , I think I would gladly become friends, now I understand my own boundaries better and who they are and what they are able to give. It's not worth losing a relation to someone out of fear or unconscious triggering. But as I say the chances are very slim of this really happening, at least in any time frame I would accept. One last thing to say is the week before this conflict happened when it really became clear they needed to address this need they tried the 'let's just not talk for a few months and then become friends' option, which is what made me think they were DA, but personally I find this insulting as it's not a genuine friendship that way. Thanks everyone for being there.
