Friend with benefits as a "secure base"?

anne12 reminded me of this when I was struggling with anger and frustration about the behavior of my partner, it was earlier on as I asked him for a break. I felt truly hurt and exasperated but she was able to remind me of his heart in the situation also. 

So, that's the thing.  We have these intentions to love well that we aren't always able  to actualize, but that's what support is for.  We don't have to be perfect but we just need to be able to soften our views away from survival into taking care of others too, from that secure place that does exist in all of us.  I really believe it's there we just have to peel back some stuff to access it. 

At my best, this is easy to remember.  When challenged or triggered, is when it's easy to forget.  But that's when I ask for help. It's so powerful to be able to ask other compassionate people for help, can get you going the right way right away. 

I agree it's important to have empathy for who people are and where they've come from. The next step is to do it in a way that's also healthy for you, again as was said, strengthening your own boundaries to be healthy. You can feel for someone without trying to come to their rescue, point out their issues, or take their abuse, etc. Giving acknowledgement of who they are and acting in a respectful manner to them without blame while keeping a healthy distance for yourself (which may be complete no contact) is secure if the dynamic is harmful to you, even if they don't have bad intentions. Easier said than done, I know, but part of the process.

I'm rooting for you Anne. And I'm really glad you feel quiet content at the moment, especially since you say you were suffering for a long time. I understand the void you feel when out of a relationship. I feel it too. I feel it now, since it's been so long since I dated actually. An existential emptiness so to speak.

Im just worried about a few potential red flags that might cause you some pain down the road. I'm not an expert. So take what I say with a pinch of salt. Just notice a few things that resonate with my experiences,and in hindsight are now things I feel wary of.

For example you say you are searching for situations that make you feel better overall. But I think it's important to clarify do you mean better overall long term, or short term? What I mean is this guy basically like your co-dependant equivalent of methadone? Your getting your "hit" from a less dangerous/intense source maybe, but is it still just a "hit" that helps you avoid a painful reality? which is the source of most addictions I'm told. Could perhaps the situation that might make you grow be sitting with that uncomfortable aloneness you felt before? I'm sure it has something to do with building a better relationship to yourself, but I'm not quiet there in my journey to understand that concept. So maybe someone else can add more on that.

My fear as previously discussed is the fact this guy is chasing you is giving you false sense of secure. Because I'v been there. Was with a girl for around 6 months and thinking wow, this is so much healthier than situations I'v been in before. She doesn't seem anywhere near as volatile as people I'v been with previously and seems to want me. Same as you, didn't feel the need to Google behaviours, had some really great deep conversations, great sex, really intimate connection. And felt secure enough to continue with other areas of my life, often times barely even thinking about her.....But I only felt that faux security because I knew subconsciously I'd get my hit of intimacy with her a couple times a week. Then suddenly the ghosting came, and I was heart broken. literally like a drug addict going through withdrawal. couldn't eat, couldnt sleep, ruminating, internalizing things as my fault. struggled at work etc.

And all that came after me being completely convinced that I didn't need her, and If she left I'd be totally fine. But when she did, I wasn't.

My feelings to that were human as you rightly said. But my reactions were very insecure. And I realized after just how manybted flags I ignored.

I don't want to tell you to stop enjoying yourself with this guy. I'm just a dude l, on a forum struggling with his own sh*t. For all I know it might turn out to be the most secure relationship of your life lol. I just get a feeling like "...ugggh this feels....familiar, from your post. I guess I'm just asking you to try be mindful, I mean really mindful of your reality and your thoughts/motivations.

Also read Pia Mellody "facing love addiction" I think it would be a great read for you.

I agree, it's obvious and evident. And for example, a person, who's been tortured their whole life, finally kills their torturer by law will be convicted of murder. or when you watch the ticktocs and people are cheering prisoners, who murdered other child molesters, they are getting applause and their accounts replenished. There always seem to be exceptions to the ethics and morals. Life is long. Things change, customs change, and we change. I am on the side of applauding the killers of the child molesters in this very moment. But the child molester was most likely themselves violated growing up. So how do we avenge them and should we? Can we?

From your original post, I think you’re triggered already, in the act of putting distance between you when he tries to see you more. The triggering is in the dread that comes before the pushing away.

I’ve sat on both sides of this insecure fence. I fell hopelessly for a FWB with obvious problems that would normally be dealbreakers for me. I didn’t think I could fall. In fact, I thought falling was a load of rubbish for me. For me, falling seems to be mostly an attachment related response, which isn’t pleasant.