|
|
Post by sparkles on Jul 3, 2021 0:08:00 GMT
Hi All! New here… wondering if anyone who identifies as AP has been the dumper? I’m curious to know what led you to make that decision and what the outcome was… I’m having a hard time finding stories to relate to as it’s typically the DA who pulls away
thanks in advance!
|
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Jul 3, 2021 0:30:22 GMT
I have known AP's being the dumper in two situations generally. the first would be that they have a pretty reliable new source of affection lined up ready to go when the current relationship ends. And secondly when they have an avoidant, or avoidantly deactivated FA as a partner have reached the end of their tolerance for not having their needs met.
|
|
|
|
Post by krolle on Jul 3, 2021 0:37:07 GMT
Though I'm FA and not AP. I know the sensation of being the dumper as an AP for both the reasons I mentioned above. I was the (temporarily) anxious in a relationship with a very unaware avoidant.
We hadn't had sex for almost a year, nor any real affection for a long time, and then a very attractive woman I knew made her romantic interest in me clear. I ended things with lady #1.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jul 3, 2021 3:33:52 GMT
I am an AP leaning FA and I was the breaker upper in 3 relationships with 1 AP and 2 avoidant leaning FAs. In allcases the break up happened at the 3 year mark of dating and would involve me finding someone else and then broke up the current boyfriend.
here is my history
boyfriend in college broke me after4 months for my best friend
boyfriend in college broke up with me after 3 month because I wasn’t willing to go all the way with him
boyfriend in foreign country college broke up with me after 4 months because he liked someone else
boyfriend in foreign country, I broke up with him after 3 years (I met someone in a bar and started dating him)
the new boyfriend I broke up with after 3 years after meeting a guy through work who turned out to be a narcissist
the narcissist broke up with me after 6 months because he said I was too clingy
met next boyfriend at a party, we lived together 3 years and I broke up with him because I met someone at church
the guy I met at church broke up with me after 2.5 years of dating. He said we were after different things.
After along break, I met a guy at a bar and he love bombed me. We had 3 separate cycles over 3 years of him dating and breaking up with me.
After another long break, I met B at my church’s singles group. He broke up with me after 10.5 months of dating.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2021 4:24:05 GMT
The only time I ended things as AP, it was also because there was someone else. But it wasn't because of what the kids today call "monkey branching" ie lining up another partner to avoid feeling consequences and being alone. It was because I was languishing in broken relationships but, being AP, riding them out and banging my head against the wall trying to make them work since I didn't believe I could find a relationship in which I'd be treated better due to my low opinion of what I deserved. I basically couldn't muster up the strength to leave when I should on my own, or really to take responsibility to make any solid, autonomous decision and stick to it, without external factors involved. Left to my own devices, I didn't want the status quo changed even though the relationships didn't work. But once someone else got involved, I could see things maybe could be different and less broken by another person treating me differently which was motivation to thinking maybe I deserved more and should walk away into something else.
This generally didn't work, because I was still finding the same types of men and simply repeating myself with someone else. I should have left much earlier because the relationship didn't work or meet my needs, not been dependent on others to give me "strength" to make a decision for myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by lovebunny on Jul 3, 2021 15:57:00 GMT
I'm AP (who occasionally flips FA), and I've been the dumper plenty of times.
If I feel I'm not getting enough attention I leave. If I start to feel exhausted and hopeless in the AP/FA dance, I (eventually) leave. Yes, there is often someone around to monkey-branch to.
These are the situations where I've dumped in just the last decade, I won't go back to all the dumping I did in my 20's, lol:
I sent a breakup text to a suspected Narcissist after 5 months of dating her as a "secondary" relationship (my husband had reluctantly allowed me to open our marriage.) After the lovebombing, she gave me as little attention as possible, so I dumped her, kind of hoping it would make her step up. I would've taken her back had she put in any amount of effort, but the breakup turned ugly fast. Of course, I still had my husband as an anchoring relationship. Still, it took me years to recover from my obsession with her.
A couple of years later, I ended my 16 year relationship/marriage. Hubby did NOT want this and it was HARD. We went back and forth a lot in those final years before we fully uncoupled. He was workaholic/alcoholic/drug addict and I felt lonely and stuck at midlife, panicking at the thought of being his caregiver for the rest of my life. Though there was no one specifically I left him for, I'd had enough flings outside the marriage by that point to feel confident I could attract other partners.
I dumped my first post-marriage boyfriend, a guy I'd known a while but friend-zoned while I was still with my husband. He and I started dating a few months after my husband and I separated. I was with him 8 months. He was Emotionally Unavailable with capital letters. He only wanted to see me once or twice a week, which was NOT enough for me, plus he could be a real jerk, and I really wasn't ready to "settle down" again anyway. He tried to get me back, but I'd just met the next person I'd end up dumping. The weekend after I dumped Mr. Emotionally Unavailable, I went on a romantic getaway with Borderline Girlfriend.
I dumped Borderline Girlfriend after 2 1/2 years on-and-off, exhausted from the rollercoaster of her mental illness. I can't even say I "dumped" her, more like I extricated myself slowly and painfully until finally she let me go. I tried to leave her several times before it stuck, but I kept getting suckered back in. Luckily, she eventually moved back in with her family across the country where I could successfully keep my distance.
I've also recently (in the last 3 years) broken things off with a couple of people I was dating and/or sleeping with, but not yet "in a relationship" with.
One was a woman who showed signs of being another Borderline, and again, I struggled to extricate myself when she pushed me to continue the relationship. I have trouble dumping someone who acts like they really, REALLY want me, even if I know they're not good for me. I should mention at this time I was not yet over getting dumped by a girlfriend of 9 months who left me for another woman, so I was extra-weak.
Soon before I met my current boyfriend of a year-and-a-half (he's mostly secure with maybe just a little FA, and I still struggle with AP but am more secure than ever) I broke things off with a guy who was great and seemed all in, but he just wasn't in alignment with my vision of the life I wanted, and I wasn't attaching romantically. He was a decent chap who deserved a woman way more into him than me, so I ended things nicely and he was lovely about it. There was no one waiting in the wings.
|
|
anao
New Member
Posts: 15
|
Post by anao on Aug 17, 2021 14:09:28 GMT
I'm also AP working with my therapist towards secure. I've always been the dumper in my relationships, usually because I'd had enough in the abusive relationships I was in. I would give way too many chances and stay in these relationships for far too long. In one instance I did have another guy lined up. I'd also usually move countries after breakups, to make sure there was enough space between us and no temptation to go back  Only in the latest breakup I was the dumpee in a relationship with an FA and still struggling with the pain of it. First time on the other side and it's not a walk in the park. |
|
Only in the latest breakup I was the dumpee in a relationship with an FA and still struggling with the pain of it. First time on the other side and it's not a walk in the park.