annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on Jul 31, 2021 23:11:02 GMT
I had a similar experience and was very confusing. Ultimately this is the explanation that made sense and I came to terms with: This person needed to regain some control. If they are indifferent to you they wouldn't feel the need to block/unblock. This comes from a place of insecurity. Either they want to move on and blocking can help them, or they would feel somehow disrupted by you reaching out and want to control the access you have to them, or they re-act to a perceived rejection or whatever. Or many other hypothesis for sure, but in any case, they need to regain control and are definitely not good at communication. I find it puerile and as a sign of emotional immaturity. I think we deserve better.
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Post by krolle on Aug 2, 2021 2:26:54 GMT
I want to highlight that all insecurely attached individuals “avoid”….it isn’t strictly those with “avoidant” in the attachment style. Anxiously attached individuals avoid by trying to figure the partner out and “adjust” in a way that is not authentic with who that person is. Consider that for a moment….because anxiously attached people are not just adjusting what is cooked for a partner…but their own behavior/responses and expectations to try to fit into that partner’s life….and in doing so…the anxiously attached person is avoiding their own needs/wants/desires. And….since anxiously attached individuals are attracted to and often end up dating avoidants…then APs also are not good at relationships either. In other words…work on healing your own trauma and stop analyzing and then judging the trauma of this other person. Tnr9 you are right avoidance is what I am talking about regardless of attachment style. I was not meaning to target individual styles, sorry if it comes across that way. But this is the style I have had experience with so naturally it will be discussed. I do disagree regarding the comment on the cooking analogy, it was a generalisation of how we adapt to others not necessarily my ex person which is why i said "I am coming at attachment the same way learning from it so what ever relationship I have be it friend, family or partner". All people in relationships make adjustments and compromise. There is no perfect fitting into another persons life, John Gottman says compromise and communication is important for making a healthy relationships. I do agree with the AP avoiding their wants needs and desires to try and please their partner as later on this is what i started to do. I feel that I have been misunderstood in the next part. In order to heal I need to understand what it is that needs healing. Which lead me here, buying the books, counselling etc. In order for me to heal it does include talking about my experiences which I thought were welcomed on this forum?! I am not judging anyone, I am attempting to understand different povs as I lean toward AP I need to analyse my situation to understand that, as that situation involves others naturally in my case a potential avoidant or narcissist I have to investigate why I reacted that way with that person. Which does require discussing and trying to understand to heal and not to be judged for doing so. Jeb wrote and sold a book on it, I am just trying to understand my situation like so many on this forum, and asking questions to get different perspectives. If we had the answers we wouldn't be here. I have been away for a week so have a few comments to add to this thread as I get chance to catch up. But I wanted to let you know in the mean time you are most certainly welcome to talk about your experiences. We might have different coping strategies depending on how we attach, but a common theme that brought most of us together on this forum is going through a lot of pain at one point or still. A type of a pain that is unlike much else in this life. As long as you are respectful with what you have to say your story will always be welcome, at least with me. As much as the suffering is crap. There's some hope in knowing you are not alone. Others who see value in you and your experience exist. that's a nice feeling I think. The majority of people on here are supportive and caring. |
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 2, 2021 3:23:40 GMT
Hi Dullboat123, I have looked at the link you provided, 13 out of 16 traits have been consistently present. You are right regarding the passive aggressiveness they exhibit. Also how others tend to not understand (close friends) because in reality from what I have experienced they were never that close, in fact the inner circle was limited to me and funnily enough their ex of which they constantly attempted to stay in touch with in a way I felt was toxic. Several times we would go out with groups of our friends and her ex would show up with his partner. I would ask why is he here, seemed bit odd, only to be told they were invited by my now ex. Who would be upset that he shows up with his new gf (I felt like a pawn in a toxic game sometimes). What is that about? I felt they were on a power trip and it backfired when their ex comes along with their new partner all happy and dis interested in them. I do find the blocking and unblocking emotionally abusive as I have made them aware of how it makes me feel, yet they do it anyway. I would prefer an actual conversation rather than being blocked or sent a text because it would allow for understanding and to heal what the issues are but they seem to do everything possible to avoid repairing an issue and hold on to them with everything they have. For example we have repaired (or so I have thought at the time) many times, but when they are ready to devalue and discard they bring up something from the past saying its still an issue when it isn’t. Or hasn’t been for years. It got to the point where I would say show me the proof and there never was any but then you get attacked for asking that too, their attempts to gaslight. You’re last paragraph about them not being there when you need them hit home hard. Everything said there has happened to me in one way or another. Which is still shocking because things were great for a couple of years then one day it just switched off, I literally felt like I woke up to someone else. Their whole personality changed to stone cold. There were glimpses of the old them over the past year but its as if they noticed and went Ice cold after. Leaving immediately each time and not talking for weeks or months. It was / felt odd, I felt because of their lack of control/power at home with their family, the built up resentment would be taken out on me and manifest in odd ways like they would poke me (figuratively) again and again trying to ruin date nights, special occasions just so they could release whatever they had built up. I would ask where did that come from as it was completely random. I would get “you know why, I don’t want to discuss it, I am leaving now, don’t call me” etc (an example each month we would book a weekend away to focus on us, they started to change, they would come out for the meal, then as we are leaving to catch the train, they would say I am going now see you on Monday and completely sabotage the trip no explanation nothing, then when we see each other later in the week and they act like nothing happened and when I ask to discuss they say I am guilt tripping them and they would leave). So hard to communicate with someone like this regardless if you're anxious or secure. That's why I said don't look at yourself that much, it will raise more questions and drive you insane. Its not you, its the shitty behaviours of avoidants. Avoidants string you along, flirt to introduce insecurity, push you away, makes use of you, lie through their teeth, passive-aggressive, stonewall, block unblock, play games, mentally abuse, hot cold dance and treat you, the closest person to them like shit.... All you wanted are love, affection and being close to them and you got to look within yourself after being jerked around by an avoidant?  Screw that. There's a lot of resources on this planet (just search on Youtube) that blocking someone is one of the most immature and disrespectful shit a person can do to another. Just goes to show the blocker has ZERO conflict resolution skills - which you do not want in your life anyway. There is not a single relationship on this planet without conflict unless you're a sugar daddy. Tell me, how does any relationship survive with someone with zero conflict resolution skills? I saw it with my ex......fall out with her biological sister, block. Fall out with her biological mother, block. Fell out with her friends because she has zero empathy, block. Me asking WTF is going on that she is ignoring me all day, block. I don't block anyone other than some random racist that threatens to kill me. Screw that. Really. |
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Post by simply on Oct 5, 2021 8:43:26 GMT
I am AP and have blocked and unblocked romantic people I was involved but that was because I knew they were not into me as I was into them. I was indecisive. Finally I blocked them permanently out of my life and so have they.
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Screw that.