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Post by iz42 on Aug 9, 2021 17:19:10 GMT
I have a new boyfriend after many years of back and forth with my FA ex. It’s the first time that I have dated from a more secure place after therapy and it’s been interesting. I think the new guy is secure but I’ve only known him for about a month so it might be too early to say. He’s very kind and thoughtful. my concern is that i’m not sure whether the emotional intimacy is growing. That could be my fault or my own misperception. I’ll give it some time, since this is new. Ive been trying to move slowly but it’s hard to settle on a good pace. I like him but it’s definitely different not having tons of sparks and intense chemistry and all that. I guess it will take some adjusting. he’s very affectionate, which is nice, but the last time we got together he was physically touching me the entire time we were together and I started to feel like I needed space. I’m not sure whether that could be a sign of him being AP or me starting to become avoidant, or maybe it’s a preference that’s not attachment related at all. Maybe I just need to relax and see how things develop?
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Post by anne12 on Aug 9, 2021 18:55:36 GMT
Well his a man….😉 Tell him to slow down with all the touching in a kind way - and respect your own boundaries. How did you meet ? You are only in the crushing phase If one person peaks in interest too quickly and the other can not keep up, then the lovecrush can not unfold jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40629/If the other person is too avaliable the ap can loose interest I would try to remember that Aps are good at doubting. You can start to find faults with the other person. If the other person is tooo avaliable the ap can lose interest and your NO can come up. Recieving love can activate your wound. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23503/If you are in doubt: You become unsure of what you want and whether the other is interesting enough. Your old part of the brain tries to find faults about the other person. However, you still have good moments with the other person. You've talked to your friends and just as soon as you've made a decision, you're starting to doubt again. You will Get yourself in a yo yo limbo. Here you can also find it difficult to concentrate on yourself. Land your nervous system. Try to become objective. Look at your dealbreakers and look at your love vision. You can share this with a friend of the other sex who knows you well. To be in doubt is an old defense mecanism That is keeping you from being Hurt. Here you can also use the rubberband exercise or you can use a coin. Feel if you are relieved or sad - but just right after the coin lands on your hand. Otherwise You Will start to doubt again. Theres also a two chair exercise in the dating thread you may find usefull. Questions you can ask yourself when in doubt: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/35016/I would also try to remember that the is no such thing a the perfect partner - but I would try to think of what is a good enough partner ? His not perfect and neither are you. When do an ambivalent typically leave a relationship; Typically after 3 months, 2 or 3 years, 5 years, 10 years. When the other person has become fully avaliable. E.g. When their partner say ˚I love you˚, when moving in together, when buying a House together, when getting married, when having children ect. To love is a daily choise jebkinnisonforum.com/post/24951/
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Post by annieb on Aug 9, 2021 19:50:59 GMT
You should relax and see how things develop, but the physical touching was your boundaries screaming that you’re not quite there with him yet. Let him know that in a conversation and see how he reacts. My roommate and I were discussing what is the most important quality in a man and we both agreed that feeling safe with them is on the top of the list. You should always feel safe with a man you’re dating, and if you’re not feeling safe or can’t quite put your finger on what it is you’re feeling, but you’re not calm and are getting avoidant or attached (anything that activates your copes) you need to get out of that relationship.
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Post by iz42 on Aug 9, 2021 19:55:50 GMT
anne12 that’s true. I think it’s that I feel like he’s prioritizing physical intimacy before the emotional closeness has really had time to develop. We met online. I had a lot of trouble finding other places to meet people during the pandemic, especially because I have been very cautious and worried about getting covid.
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Post by iz42 on Aug 9, 2021 20:00:33 GMT
You should relax and see how things develop, but the physical touching was your boundaries screaming that you’re not quite there with him yet. Let him know that in a conversation and see how he reacts. My roommate and I were discussing what is the most important quality in a man and we both agreed that feeling safe with them is on the top of the list. You should always feel safe with a man you’re dating, and if you’re not feeling safe or can’t quite put your finger on what it is you’re feeling, but you’re not calm and are getting avoidant or attached (anything that activates your copes) you need to get out of that relationship. Yeah that makes sense. I don’t want to jump ship before I fully give it a chance, especially because he’s such a nice and considerate person. Up until that point I had mostly felt calm with him and my nervous system hasn’t been activated at all. I’ll try talking to him about it.
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Post by iz42 on Aug 9, 2021 20:13:22 GMT
I should also say that so far his words and actions have been aligned and he is very reliable and consistent. He hasn't overshared or pushed me to move faster than I'm comfortable with. His parents live nearby and he has a seemingly healthy relationship with them. All of these things make me think he is probably secure.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 10, 2021 0:54:44 GMT
I should also say that so far his words and actions have been aligned and he is very reliable and consistent. He hasn't overshared or pushed me to move faster than I'm comfortable with. His parents live nearby and he has a seemingly healthy relationship with them. All of these things make me think he is probably secure. I think knowing you a month and getting touchy isn't something about attachment styles. Its kinda creepy and you are well within your rights to let him know you are not comfortable with it and would like to take things slow.
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Post by iz42 on Aug 10, 2021 1:04:08 GMT
I should also say that so far his words and actions have been aligned and he is very reliable and consistent. He hasn't overshared or pushed me to move faster than I'm comfortable with. His parents live nearby and he has a seemingly healthy relationship with them. All of these things make me think he is probably secure. I think knowing you a month and getting touchy isn't something about attachment styles. Its kinda creepy and you are well within your rights to let him know you are not comfortable with it and would like to take things slow. Maybe I didn't explain this well enough. We've been physically intimate already and that has gone well. I waited until I felt comfortable and felt like I knew him and trusted him. I know he is a good person and has good intentions, and I would rather know sooner than later about physical compatibility. So it's not about that. It was just that I spent the whole evening/night at his house and he was constantly touching me in some way - like hand around my waist or on my leg etc. the whole time. It wasn't creepy, just affectionate, but I started to feel like I needed some space.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 10, 2021 1:13:14 GMT
I think knowing you a month and getting touchy isn't something about attachment styles. Its kinda creepy and you are well within your rights to let him know you are not comfortable with it and would like to take things slow. Maybe I didn't explain this well enough. We've been physically intimate already and that has gone well. I waited until I felt comfortable and felt like I knew him and trusted him. I know he is a good person and has good intentions, and I would rather know sooner than later about physical compatibility. So it's not about that. It was just that I spent the whole evening/night at his house and he was constantly touching me in some way - like hand around my waist or on my leg etc. the whole time. It wasn't creepy, just affectionate, but I started to feel like I needed some space. Have you discussed the 5 love languages? Mine is physical touch…I am very huggy and like to touch my partner because it comforts me. It doesn’t have to be a guy thing…it could just be his love language.
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Post by krolle on Aug 10, 2021 1:18:18 GMT
Are you actually attracted to him? I feel like when we embark on this journey of Attachment styled secure is the holy trail. But I woukd imagine it's all too easy to seek secure at the expense of actual attraction.
There's probably a healthy balance between addictive fireworks and no spark at all.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 10, 2021 1:33:09 GMT
I think knowing you a month and getting touchy isn't something about attachment styles. Its kinda creepy and you are well within your rights to let him know you are not comfortable with it and would like to take things slow. Maybe I didn't explain this well enough. We've been physically intimate already and that has gone well. I waited until I felt comfortable and felt like I knew him and trusted him. I know he is a good person and has good intentions, and I would rather know sooner than later about physical compatibility. So it's not about that. It was just that I spent the whole evening/night at his house and he was constantly touching me in some way - like hand around my waist or on my leg etc. the whole time. It wasn't creepy, just affectionate, but I started to feel like I needed some space. Ah yes I understand now and that reminded me of my avoidant ex. My love language is touch and I like to touch her whereby she played that part for a while but after the mask comes off, she would be very stingy with her physical affection. I would tell her that I would love for her to touch me more, even putting her arms around me while watching TV. That would last 2 hours before she goes back to her cold, avoidant self again. I would touch her and hug her, only to be told off "I'm not your squishy toy". Together with her other distancing behaviours, those subliminally made me feel that I'm not good enough. IMO, hand around your waist or leg etc is the BARE MINIMUM of a loving relationship. Wanting space from simple things like that isn't normal and it would make people feel alienated. Perhaps one way of overcoming this and finding a happy middle ground is telling him don't touch you so often but you need to be proactive perhaps by giving him a peck on the cheeks here and there. Or even telling him you don't want to verbalise affection, you show it by tapping on his legs twice and smile at him to let him know. Whatever you both are comfortable with. Be creative!
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Post by iz42 on Aug 10, 2021 2:24:19 GMT
Maybe I didn't explain this well enough. We've been physically intimate already and that has gone well. I waited until I felt comfortable and felt like I knew him and trusted him. I know he is a good person and has good intentions, and I would rather know sooner than later about physical compatibility. So it's not about that. It was just that I spent the whole evening/night at his house and he was constantly touching me in some way - like hand around my waist or on my leg etc. the whole time. It wasn't creepy, just affectionate, but I started to feel like I needed some space. Have you discussed the 5 love languages? Mine is physical touch…I am very huggy and like to touch my partner because it comforts me. It doesn’t have to be a guy thing…it could just be his love language. That is a really good point! I’m going to bring up love languages and see what he says.
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Post by iz42 on Aug 10, 2021 2:28:23 GMT
Are you actually attracted to him? I feel like when we embark on this journey of Attachment styled secure is the holy trail. But I woukd imagine it's all too easy to seek secure at the expense of actual attraction. There's probably a healthy balance between addictive fireworks and no spark at all. Honestly this has been my biggest issue in the past with dating (I even talked about it on here). But I am actually attracted to him and felt very attracted when we first kissed. I think it’s more that attraction also requires emotional intimacy for me and I want to make sure we’re getting to know each other on a deeper level.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2021 2:40:22 GMT
iz42, if the emotional connection is naturally there and growing, the desire for increasing intimacy will follow (even if you never get comfortable being touched all the time... as was said, you may have other love languages or different thresholds for what you each consider a comfortable amount of affection, and that's totally fine as long as you openly communicate). But it can definitely take a few months! I wasn't totally comfortable and all-in-decided how serious things would get long-term with my boyfriend for the first 3 months because I'd not spent enough time with him yet and because I'd never had a secure romantic relationship before. But I knew I liked him and found him generally attractive (even if we didn't have full on anxious-avoidant intensity), knew I didn't want to see anyone else, and he kept impressing me more and more with what an awesome (and consistent) person he is. About 5 months in, I was much more sure of my feelings and our foundation and the trust between us, as well as much more comfortable and appreciative of feeling happy, content, stable, and connected in a relationship -- and how much better and more sustainable that was than getting stuck in another stressful dance that I'm sooooo sick of. It's not immediate. But with the right person and right amount of compatibility, it will evolve organically if you give it some time. If you're continuing to want to spend time with him and seeing him and getting to know him, that's primarily what matters the first few months. Without the insecure sparks it's hard to gauge what the speed of comfort and connection should be because I'm assuming (from my own AP experience) that you're used to it happening in a RUSH when there's any chemistry [with avoidants], and add on to that the intense roller coaster of your last relationship being with an FA. If you're still feeling that way after a few months, and your physical connection is not growing either, at that point I'd reassess and it might be time to break up. That's why a lot of relationships get defined 3-6 months in: for insecure who are riding on physical chemistry, the honeymoon period is ending. For more secure, that's when they have collected enough information about the other person to decide if it's worth mutually deepening the commitment or not. But figuring this out is also what dating and not rushing head first into full, legal commitment is for! I think you're doing okay so far, you're listening to yourself, checking in with yourself, being aware of what you're feeling and connecting to yourself. Stay curious and give the guy a chance unless there are warning bells you can articulate. If you're feeling uneasy and coming off of having an insecure attachment style, trusting your gut and the uneasiness is absolutely worth paying attention to, but you need to parse out if the partnership is setting off the bells or if they're fear-based attachment issues still happening on your own side. Basically, I am a big believer in trusting your instincts, but part of overcoming insecure attachment is recognizing if you are overcoupling (ie projecting and confusing the message your body is sending you) and then connecting to yourself and sorting out what's really going on inside of you.
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Post by iz42 on Aug 10, 2021 2:45:08 GMT
Maybe I didn't explain this well enough. We've been physically intimate already and that has gone well. I waited until I felt comfortable and felt like I knew him and trusted him. I know he is a good person and has good intentions, and I would rather know sooner than later about physical compatibility. So it's not about that. It was just that I spent the whole evening/night at his house and he was constantly touching me in some way - like hand around my waist or on my leg etc. the whole time. It wasn't creepy, just affectionate, but I started to feel like I needed some space. Ah yes I understand now and that reminded me of my avoidant ex. My love language is touch and I like to touch her whereby she played that part for a while but after the mask comes off, she would be very stingy with her physical affection. I would tell her that I would love for her to touch me more, even putting her arms around me while watching TV. That would last 2 hours before she goes back to her cold, avoidant self again. I would touch her and hug her, only to be told off "I'm not your squishy toy". Together with her other distancing behaviours, those subliminally made me feel that I'm not good enough. IMO, hand around your waist or leg etc is the BARE MINIMUM of a loving relationship. Wanting space from simple things like that isn't normal and it would make people feel alienated. Perhaps one way of overcoming this and finding a happy middle ground is telling him don't touch you so often but you need to be proactive perhaps by giving him a peck on the cheeks here and there. Or even telling him you don't want to verbalise affection, you show it by tapping on his legs twice and smile at him to let him know. Whatever you both are comfortable with. Be creative! My avoidant ex also did this and I know how bad it feels. I am a very affectionate person in general and would never be cold with a partner. It’s not that I don’t want him to have his hand on my leg or my waist, it’s just that in that particular instance he never stopped touching me and it started to feel like too much. I need occasional breaks to be able to enjoy it. I didn’t push him away or even tell him I wanted space. I knew that would hurt his feelings. I think we are just getting to know each other and I’m realizing I need to have a balance between emotional and physical intimacy. If there is one and not the other, it feels off.
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