|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 4:06:41 GMT
Yeah you said that before. I don’t ever remember shutting down or running away. I never remember feeling suffocated. I’ve never been afraid of commitment. I’ve always attached strongly. I am not disagreeing. And you all have been so kind in helping me. So please don’t think I am being argumentative. I have no idea what I am. I just assumed cause I am always chasing. Never pushing away. I would like to know what style I have cause there’s definitely something off with me. Thank you. I don't think you're being argumentative! This can be a big question on the forum. There's a bunch of links to other people wondering if they are AP or FA. Here's the trick. FA are reactive to those to whom they are attracted. If you have primarily dated avoidant or personality disordered or abusive women, their distancing and abuse would make you swing anxious. But if you are actually FA, and you ever dated someone less avoidant and more anxious than you, you would swing avoidant! Have you ever dated someone more anxious than you or have you always been attracted to more avoidant than you? If you always have chosen only one type, you may not have been conscious of experiencing avoidant deactivation. I cannot diagnose you though, I am not a professional and you know yourself much better than I do. I'm putting it out there to consider. Will find some of the other threads about this to paste here. Either way, you know you have an insecure attachment style and want to get more secure, so the only difference between AP and FA is FA has an underlying distrust for both other people and self, and may experience a conscious fear of engulfment. AP always trusts others more than self and never experience a conscious fear of engulfment, only unconscious. So the difference is, for FA you need to work out learning to trust others in a healthy way in addition to self instead of AP only needing to work out trusting self. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 4:07:42 GMT
But here’s mine 51% secure 39% anxious 11% disorganized 0% avoidant I will take it again tomorrow on my computer at work. Like you said maybe I’m cheating the system by answering like I think I should. I believe that may be true. I’m a cheater. Hahahaha Lol. Now this one is a solidly AP score! |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 4:18:23 GMT
I know there's been more threads with people assuming they were AP based on being the one chasing in relationships then questioning if they're actually FA than this, but here's the one I could find for now: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1335/floored-fa |
|
|
|
Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 4:19:25 GMT
Yeah you said that before. I don’t ever remember shutting down or running away. I never remember feeling suffocated. I’ve never been afraid of commitment. I’ve always attached strongly. I am not disagreeing. And you all have been so kind in helping me. So please don’t think I am being argumentative. I have no idea what I am. I just assumed cause I am always chasing. Never pushing away. I would like to know what style I have cause there’s definitely something off with me. Thank you. I don't think you're being argumentative! This can be a big question on the forum. There's a bunch of links to other people wondering if they are AP or FA. Here's the trick. FA are reactive to those to whom they are attracted. If you have primarily dated avoidant or personality disordered or abusive women, their distancing and abuse would make you swing anxious. But if you are actually FA, and you ever dated someone less avoidant and more anxious than you, you would swing avoidant! Have you ever dated someone more anxious than you or have you always been attracted to more avoidant than you? If you always have chosen only one type, you may not have been conscious of experiencing avoidant deactivation. I cannot diagnose you though, I am not a professional and you know yourself much better than I do. I'm putting it out there to consider. Will find some of the other threads about this to paste here. Either way, you know you have an insecure attachment style and want to get more secure, so the only difference between AP and FA is FA has an underlying distrust for both other people and self, and may experience a conscious fear of engulfment. AP always trusts others more than self and never experience a conscious fear of engulfment, only unconscious. So the difference is, for FA you need to work out learning to trust others in a healthy way in addition to self instead of AP only needing to work out trusting self. Only one woman was more anxious than me(at least on the surface). She was the borderline personality disordered women that I mentioned before I allowed her to destroy my life. She was not mentally healthy. Suicidal if I didn’t respond. massive games. Try and make me jealous. I was very avoidant. But with full disclosure😬. It was an affair at my place of business. So I had to be dismissive avoidant. Once I divorced and she could have me if she wanted. She went full avoidant on me and I was putty in her hands. I chased her for two years and destroyed my family. My career. And my mental health. I became an alcoholic. I was under so much stress that I became suicidal. She got people to come after me everyday at my work. She was blackmailing. Gaslighting. It was a living hell. I am attracted to strong independent women. I have a feeling I dated one secure woman but I could be wrong. She was damaged by abusive men. I got bored of her quickly. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 4:23:38 GMT
john1234, well as I said, the primary benefit of knowing for sure if you lean AP or FA is in properly balancing out what you need to work on in regards to trusting others. But you don't need to be sure to examine your trauma and learn to fully process your emotions. You've got plenty of good starting points already in just knowing you're insecure and lean anxious. I pasted a link where someone else discusses this very same topic in my comment above 
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Aug 17, 2021 4:25:51 GMT
john1234 Sorry but my honest opinion and from what I have learned is, that you cant just take a test to tell you your attatmentstyle. It’s a split second overview and it can give you a hint. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/29827/ *Tests: Why you often Can not rely on an attatchment style test. It is more complicated. In the UK people can take a special 1 year education to be able to test people's attatchment styles. The test itself takes 3 days with subsequent analysis. When they test they use video recording so they can see how does the client respond not only on paper but they look at how you reply, the way you talk, your body language and your facial expressions, what you do with your hands and your feet, your tone of voice, the words you use ect. We also develop from our first experiences in life until now. We can't remember what has happend to us before we were around 2-3 years old, we dident have a language then and the cognitive part of our brain wasn't developed yet. On good days you will often get a more secure answer, on bad days a more insecure test result. If you are in a good mood you will often remember more of the good things and if you are in a bad mood you will have a tendencie to remember the bad stuff. Are you stressed out when taking the test you can get one answer and another answer when you are less stressed when taking the test You can go from secure from birth and then something bad has happend to you later in life, so that you will become more insecure or the other way around. Are you in a relationship or not. Are you with a more secure person or are you in a relationship with an insecure person. Your relationship with your mother then and now. Your relationship with your dad then and now. Other relationships in your life. Has there been a brake in the bond because of different reasons - expecially with your mother Your relationship history and the length of your relationships. Who broke up, why and when. Other traumatic experiences in your life. Accidents,bullying ect. Chock trauma Your physical health Your mental health Do you have a pinched vagus nerve from a place in your neck, in your spine so that there is problem with the flow in your body Is your head tilted forward, backwards Your gums, your teeth Your psoas What are your Main problem You want the therapist to help you get fixed ? Ex if you always meet the wrong ones - then the therapist will think that you proberly got some ap attatchmentstyle and maybe also some desorganised attatchment style. If you are or you have been in relationships with dramas, underdog/overdog dynamics, powerstrugles, crossed boundaries then the therapist can be aware of some trauma/desorganised attatchment style If you almost never get into relationships the therapist can be aware of some dismissive avoidant attatchment style - the early one or the one developed later in life (given up state” jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-theresasjebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - shock trauma ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3040/bodylanguage-speachpatterns-voicetone-attatchmentstylesYour body posture ect. can also give a hint on where you got stuck in your childhood. You will regress to this stage when stressed or triggered and your body will often show. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3059/stages-heroes-journey-enagram-dragonsOnly 5% desorganised attatchmentstyle / shok trauma can cause problems in your lovelife.
|
|
|
|
Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 4:27:47 GMT
john1234, well as I said, the primary benefit of knowing for sure if you lean AP or FA is in properly balancing out what you need to work on in regards to trusting others. But you don't need to be sure to examine your trauma and learn to fully process your emotions. You've got plenty of good starting points already in just knowing you're insecure and lean anxious. I pasted a link where someone else discusses this very same topic in my comment above I can’t tell you enough how thankful I am for your help. So nice. I just don’t want to be this way if I have issues in my relationships. I know this about me but I do admit I want the girl back and she admitted to me when we spoke that she is avoidant. It is obvious. If I do move forward with her I want to be as secure as possible. If it doesn’t work out I still need this work. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 4:34:38 GMT
john1234, no problem. I help on the forum where I can because it was difficult for me to find resources when I needed help. So, I do understand what you're going through, it is very difficult. And you've endured a lot more what we can call big-T trauma than I have, and to that extent I can't even imagine.
|
|
|
|
Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 4:46:37 GMT
john1234, no problem. I help on the forum where I can because it was difficult for me to find resources when I needed help. So, I do understand what you're going through, it is very difficult. And you've endured a lot more what we can call big-T trauma than I have, and to that extent I can't even imagine. I’m thinking I need to stop using that trauma as a young man as a crutch. I want to figure out how to face it then try and let it go. I hope I can get help from the therapist for that, because none of the others have been able to figure it out. It’s been a couple years since I’ve been and I start on Thursday. Thanks again. |
|
|
|
Post by john1234 on Aug 17, 2021 5:18:12 GMT
john1234 Sorry but my honest opinion and from what I have learned is, that you cant just take a test to tell you your attatmentstyle. It’s a split second overwie and it can give you a hint. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/29827/ *Tests: Why you often Can not rely on an attatchment style test. It is more complicated. In the UK people can take a special 1 year education to be able to test people's attatchment styles. The test itself takes 3 days with subsequent analysis. When they test they use video recording so they can see how does the client respond not only on paper but they look at how you reply, the way you talk, your body language and your facial expressions, what you do with your hands and your feet, your tone of voice, the words you use ect. We also develop from our first experiences in life until now. We can't remember what has happend to us before we were around 2-3 years old, we dident have a language then and the cognitive part of our brain wasn't developed yet. On good days you will often get a more secure answer, on bad days a more insecure test result. If you are in a good mood you will often remember more of the good things and if you are in a bad mood you will have a tendencie to remember the bad stuff. You can go from secure from birth and then something bad has happend to you later in life, so that you will become more insecure or the other way around. Are you in a relationship or not. Are you with a more secure person or are you in a relationship with an insecure person. Your relationship with your mother then and now. Your relationship with your dad then and now. Other relationships in your life. Has there been a brake in the bond because of different reasons - expecially with your mother Your relationship history and the length of your relationships. Who broke up, why and when. Other traumatic experiences in your life. Accidents,bullying ect. Chock trauma Your physical health Your mental health Do you have a pinched vagus nerve from a place in your neck, in your spine so that there is problem with the flow in your body Is your head tilted forward, backwards Your gums, your teeth Your psoas What are your Main problem You want the therapist to help you get fixed ? Ex if you always meet the wrong ones - then the therapist will think that you proberly got some ap attatchmentstyle and maybe also some desorganised attatchment style. If you are or you have been in relationships with dramas, underdog/overdog dynamics, powerstrugles, crossed boundaries then the therapist can be aware of some trauma/desorganised attatchment style If you almost never get into relationships the therapist can be aware of some dismissive avoidant attatchment style - the early one or the one developed later in life (given up state” jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-theresasjebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - shock trauma ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3040/bodylanguage-speachpatterns-voicetone-attatchmentstylesBody postyret ect Only 5% desotganised attatchmentstyle / shok trauma can cause problems in your lovelife. Hi Anne12. Thanks for the response and the links. I would agree that there is no way you can tell from an online test. I actually think I know myself the best and though not a therapist I definitely have a lot of anxiousness in relationships. I know that when I get “abandoned” I do not know how to process the emotions I feel. I know that I don’t react to these breakups in a healthy adult manner. So it doesn’t totally matter what an online test even says. I do know I’ve never been totally secure in a relationship. I haven’t been able to communicate my needs correctly without it causing some sort of problem in the relationship. And I’ve never been totally happy in a relationship either and I would think that is probably caused by the communication breakdowns. Hopefully some of the links that you and others have provided can help. Also I am looking forward to what the therapist says when I see him this week. Once again. Thank you for responding and lending your thoughts. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2021 1:45:02 GMT
hey hey, i got tagged. I came on here as an AP, 3-ish years ago? There were times I wondered if I was FA instead, just that I never noticed my avoidant times because those are not salient the way anxious is.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what the label is. IMO, insecure is insecure, it just manifests in different ways. There are differences in style, but the fundaments are really similar in nature - we are all just looking for some love, kindness, acceptance, and connection because we fundamentally don't know how to find it within ourselves.
I'd like to think I'm a lot more secure now - I stopped testing a long time ago because it doesn't matter what the test says and it's confusing how to interpret it. Also, I'm a trained researcher so occupational hazards make it difficult for me to have faith in tests lol.
The bottomline was that I didn't like the way my life was, nor how people treated me, nor how I allow myself to be treated, nor how I treat some people. You are right that past trauma shouldn't be used as a crutch to explain and justify your behaviors - they are useful information to sensemake and actual experiences that you can use to reflect on. For me, past processing the trauma, they were little stories that I used as material for reflecting (you know like fables and such?), rather than be immersed and attached to these life events as deep parts of myself. When you hold them too closely to your sense of self, you aren't making space in your core to develop new parts of yourself that will help you grow bigger and better. So, process them but also learn not to hold onto those narratives as part of your identity/core.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 18, 2021 2:10:11 GMT
I came to these boards swearing I was AP and testing as AP….it did not even occur to me that I could have any avoidant what so ever….that is until I was in a class about attachment theory and our relationship to Jesus. I had this moment where it was like….Jesus, you stay way over there and I will stand way over here….and I felt these huge walls come up and this sensation of distrust…which I had never acknowledged before. It was only then that people here were suggesting that I was an AP leaning FA. And it truly does fit…because I don’t trust others….especially those who are AP….because I don’t trust their intentions or motives…..and yet…it is exactly the same stuff I do when I fall for an avoidant FA. So there is this whole distrust of others and self thing. I tend not to distrust those I am attracted to…but boy do I put up walls and moats when I am not attracted to someone but he is attracted to me.
I do hope that your therapy is successful….it is good to find someone who can help you on this journey.
|
|
|
|
Post by john1234 on Aug 18, 2021 12:28:17 GMT
I came to these boards swearing I was AP and testing as AP….it did not even occur to me that I could have any avoidant what so ever….that is until I was in a class about attachment theory and our relationship to Jesus. I had this moment where it was like….Jesus, you stay way over there and I will stand way over here….and I felt these huge walls come up and this sensation of distrust…which I had never acknowledged before. It was only then that people here were suggesting that I was an AP leaning FA. And it truly does fit…because I don’t trust others….especially those who are AP….because I don’t trust their intentions or motives…..and yet…it is exactly the same stuff I do when I fall for an avoidant FA. So there is this whole distrust of others and self thing. I tend not to distrust those I am attracted to…but boy do I put up walls and moats when I am not attracted to someone but he is attracted to me. I do hope that your therapy is successful….it is good to find someone who can help you on this journey. I agree I have no idea what my attachment style really is as I believe anne12 said to be really tested it takes a professional and lots of testing. I do know that I never ghost. Never runaway. I always want to fix a problem immediately if there is one. I have never deactivated. I believe I do push people away when I feel disrespected but not like you would imagine. More like with words. Passive aggressive words that I think cut deep and maybe that has some avoidant in it. But I don’t want them to go away. I’m don’t feel weak by being vulnerable. But I do feel weak that I put more effort in almost all of my relationships. So then I do back off and try and not show too much effort. Is that avoidant? Maybe it is. As I stated above when the breakup happens I fall apart. I obsess. I will do anything short of stalking. I will write long mushy letters. Reading them from an outside perspective one might say the letter is mixed a sort of push pull as I tell the partner how great they are but also how they don’t try hard enough or as hard as me. So maybe you are right. I do know this. I wish more than anything that she would come back. She seems fine not being in the relationship. But maybe that is all an act from her I don’t think it is tho. See I feel even obsessing in my brain if she is hurting is anxious. I shouldn’t even care. She broke it off with me. But I’m still pining away in my head and not to her as I don’t want to look pitiful. I hope that makes sense or not I’m rambling it’s early where I live. Thanks for the insight. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 18, 2021 13:34:20 GMT
I came to these boards swearing I was AP and testing as AP….it did not even occur to me that I could have any avoidant what so ever….that is until I was in a class about attachment theory and our relationship to Jesus. I had this moment where it was like….Jesus, you stay way over there and I will stand way over here….and I felt these huge walls come up and this sensation of distrust…which I had never acknowledged before. It was only then that people here were suggesting that I was an AP leaning FA. And it truly does fit…because I don’t trust others….especially those who are AP….because I don’t trust their intentions or motives…..and yet…it is exactly the same stuff I do when I fall for an avoidant FA. So there is this whole distrust of others and self thing. I tend not to distrust those I am attracted to…but boy do I put up walls and moats when I am not attracted to someone but he is attracted to me. I do hope that your therapy is successful….it is good to find someone who can help you on this journey. I agree I have no idea what my attachment style really is as I believe anne12 said to be really tested it takes a professional and lots of testing. I do know that I never ghost. Never runaway. I always want to fix a problem immediately if there is one. I have never deactivated. I believe I do push people away when I feel disrespected but not like you would imagine. More like with words. Passive aggressive words that I think cut deep and maybe that has some avoidant in it. But I don’t want them to go away. I’m don’t feel weak by being vulnerable. But I do feel weak that I put more effort in almost all of my relationships. So then I do back off and try and not show too much effort. Is that avoidant? Maybe it is. As I stated above when the breakup happens I fall apart. I obsess. I will do anything short of stalking. I will write long mushy letters. Reading them from an outside perspective one might say the letter is mixed a sort of push pull as I tell the partner how great they are but also how they don’t try hard enough or as hard as me. So maybe you are right. I do know this. I wish more than anything that she would come back. She seems fine not being in the relationship. But maybe that is all an act from her I don’t think it is tho. See I feel even obsessing in my brain if she is hurting is anxious. I shouldn’t even care. She broke it off with me. But I’m still pining away in my head and not to her as I don’t want to look pitiful. I hope that makes sense or not I’m rambling it’s early where I live. Thanks for the insight. Hey John…..I am not a therapist…..but, what you are describing sounds like AP protest behaviors to me. There is a difference between protest behaviors and avoidance. In my case, I truly do not want the other person’s attention because of distrust and feel like they will engulf me with their needs. Because I tend to chose men who are avoidant leaning men, I tend to do all the behaviors you talk about. In fact, when the last guy I dated broke up with me and then he started to come back to the community we met at, I went so far as befriending all the women he would talk to….telling them how much I still loved him etc in a desperate ploy to win him back. Caring is not the issue John…it is a lovely trait and I hope you view it that way. I still care about B, but I realize that all the stories that I have obsessed over are just that…..stories that I created. Truthfully I had and have no idea what is going on with B and I have decided that is best because his life, his choices etc have no reflection on me. It hurts when someone you invest love in decides that you are not the right fit…and even though people say it isn’t personal…it sure feels that way. Question for you…..was there ever a time in your childhood that you invested love in either or both parents and felt that they rejected that love (did not reciprocate it)? Perhaps you could spend some time with that question. Write down any event that comes to mind regardless of trivial or small it seems. |
|
|
|
Post by annieb on Aug 18, 2021 14:03:52 GMT
I’ve probably taken probably 300 tests over the years; and I’m always amazed that I’ve stayed squarely in the FA quadrant and moved out of it only by a few points towards secure and DA. So while it’s not helpful to put yourself in a box it’s always humbling for me to see where I’m at and how much work there is still to be done. 😳
|
|
dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/
