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Post by tnr9 on Aug 17, 2021 13:56:56 GMT
Hi all, I'm new here. In 2017 I found out that I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and after a really painful breakup with someone I suspect has NPD, that's where my journey towards secure attachment started. We were together for 7 years. Eight months later I met my last ex-boyfriend who turned out to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which was again a very painful experience and I decided to stay single for a while. After 3 years of being single, attending psychotherapy and reading all the books out there about attachment theory, I started dating again. And again, even after all the work I've done, dating feels very painful to me. I'm 31 years old right now and more than ever I just want to meet the love of my life I can build a family with. All my friends are settling down and I'm still here figuring out how to navigate the dating world, which is in my experience filled with men with insecure attachment styles at this age. After one year of dating I met someone I really liked, I felt very comfortable and safe around him, we were taking things slow and then all of a sudden he started to withdraw without any explanation, so I ended things with him. And now I'm just so tired. Tired of not feeling secure, tired of this fear that maybe I'll never meet someone who's compatible or emotionally available. Does anyone recognize this? Thanks in advance! Hi there and welcome…I definitely relate to what you are saying because I too would love to find a person who is a good match for me and I haven’t gotten back into the dating scene in a while because of the fear that I will have to again, wade through a bunch of incompatible partners. It must be really tough when all your friends are married….are there any activities or social events you could join to meet some other single women? I have several friends who are still single so it takes some of the pressure off. Also….healing from attachment wounds is a journey….and each person here has different challenges from their childhoods that they needed to overcome. The good news is that we do have a few earned secures on this board. Right now….the most important thing you can do is be kind to yourself because you are doing the work. 🙂
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Post by annieb on Aug 17, 2021 18:29:11 GMT
Ah yes, stevie, I've definitely felt like this several times after breakups, etc. But the successful daters and relationship people will tell you that if you want to find a relationship, you have to be prepared to get rejected and be ok with it. That is part of dating. BTW I am glad you ended things with the guy instead of waiting for him to fade out and waste more of your time. Along with the rejection, we have to be able to cut people off quickly as well. This is all good and natural what you're describing and at 31 you are hardly behind the curve. So keep on chugging and be as discerning as possible. This is your future life partner we are talking, be picky!
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Post by alexandra on Aug 17, 2021 18:39:15 GMT
Hi stevie, welcome. Yes, your concerns are shared with many and we get posts about it from different people, so you're not alone! While this link (for example) starts with the same concerns but adds in being a bit older, if you read most people started having the concern younger. Because it's about underlying AP fears and not actually about age. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/2945/dating-after-35My best advice for what helped me get over a scarcity mentality is see if you can change your perspective and expectations going into dating. Instead of leading with, I really want to find the love of my life and start a family -- lead with, I'm curious about getting to know this person and will decide if I'm interested enough in continuing to learn more to want a second date (and then a third, then a fourth). That's it. If you're looking for a great love on every first date, you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment on most of them, which will both exhaust and frustrate you faster and will put unconscious pressure on the date whether or not you think it's being communicated. This doesn't mean settle, as love and security are both out there! (Even if it takes a bunch of filtering through insecure guys to find it... and don't get me wrong, there are plenty of those, but there's also absolutely secure guys around, too.) It just means, there's a lot you need to learn about another person and your compatibility before trust and sustainable love develop, so don't rush yourself or beat yourself up if it's not happening on your most preferred schedule. Definitely take breaks when you have had a string of bad dates, I had to take a lot of couple month breaks when I got frustrated and needed to recharge having enough emotional energy to show up with an open mind and a good attitude. But see if you can approach first dates with curiosity and take them as an opportunity to socialize instead of every one stoking that fear that you may never meet "the one." The attitude I'm describing will actually attract more secure men so will help you filter for those as they'll be more likely to ask you on a second date (assuming some attraction and personality match are also there).
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Post by amber on Aug 18, 2021 23:14:02 GMT
I know exactly how you feel. I’m 37 and feel the same way, similar experiences. Recently I read an article in a magazine about an Australian woman who was single for ten years and the age of 34 decided she wanted kids and marriage. So she went on 128 dates and finally found her husband. She wrote a book about it called “128 dates”. I plan to buy it! There is hope! You really do just have to have grit and tenacity, be realistic and not expect it to just happen, and like Alexandra said give yourself breaks so you don’t overwhelm your nervous system too much. Perseverance is key, and keep doing the inner work!!
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 19, 2021 2:52:25 GMT
I know exactly how you feel. I’m 37 and feel the same way, similar experiences. Recently I read an article in a magazine about an Australian woman who was single for ten years and the age of 34 decided she wanted kids and marriage. So she went on 128 dates and finally found her husband. She wrote a book about it called “128 dates”. I plan to buy it! There is hope! You really do just have to have grit and tenacity, be realistic and not expect it to just happen, and like Alexandra said give yourself breaks so you don’t overwhelm your nervous system too much. Perseverance is key, and keep doing the inner work!! I find that laughable regarding the Australian woman being single for 10 years. I'm here in Australia and ladies are one of the most racist in the world when it comes to dating. 99.999% only dates white men, then turn around and either (1) say's there's a men drought (2) says ALL men are shitty when they've only dated white men. Australia, if you don't know, is a migrant nation. The amount of vetting we had to go through is nothing but strenuous. Thus the MAJORITY of us are highly skilled professionals, earning a decent wage and have our lives in order (or else we'll be deported). But no, Aussie ladies just want the "dreamy" white guy they see on TV (Oh the tv and media here is extremely and absurdly white), which turned out to be entitled prudes and abuse them (an explosion in domestic violence cases). But they turn around and say "All men are nothing but bastards". Personally, I am building my house atm, have a good career earning 6 figures, hardworking, plays drums, read, don't gamble, don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't drink like the locals do, gym, swims.......yet I literally have ZERO likes on Tinder, bumble, Hinge, eHarmony, you name it. ZERO. I am not hideous looking or have any disability. Its just my skin colour, pure and simple.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 19, 2021 4:33:40 GMT
Hi all, I'm new here. In 2017 I found out that I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and after a really painful breakup with someone I suspect has NPD, that's where my journey towards secure attachment started. We were together for 7 years. Eight months later I met my last ex-boyfriend who turned out to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which was again a very painful experience and I decided to stay single for a while. After 3 years of being single, attending psychotherapy and reading all the books out there about attachment theory, I started dating again. And again, even after all the work I've done, dating feels very painful to me. I'm 31 years old right now and more than ever I just want to meet the love of my life I can build a family with. All my friends are settling down and I'm still here figuring out how to navigate the dating world, which is in my experience filled with men with insecure attachment styles at this age. After one year of dating I met someone I really liked, I felt very comfortable and safe around him, we were taking things slow and then all of a sudden he started to withdraw without any explanation, so I ended things with him. And now I'm just so tired. Tired of not feeling secure, tired of this fear that maybe I'll never meet someone who's compatible or emotionally available. Does anyone recognize this? Thanks in advance! Have you tried dating outside your race? That opens up a whole lot more opportunities.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 19, 2021 4:44:20 GMT
The book author hadn't gone a date for 10 years because her boyfriend died and she decided to throw herself into work instead, until she was ready to heal, move on, and start a family. Then looked for a systemic approach to be efficient in dating that worked for her, since she was concerned about getting too old to have children but was still suffering from fear around dating.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 19, 2021 5:08:54 GMT
She went on 138 (not 128) dates. I'm pretty sure if she even consider dating outside her race, 138 could be halved.
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Post by amber on Aug 19, 2021 10:02:29 GMT
Hi all, I'm new here. In 2017 I found out that I have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and after a really painful breakup with someone I suspect has NPD, that's where my journey towards secure attachment started. We were together for 7 years. Eight months later I met my last ex-boyfriend who turned out to have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which was again a very painful experience and I decided to stay single for a while. After 3 years of being single, attending psychotherapy and reading all the books out there about attachment theory, I started dating again. And again, even after all the work I've done, dating feels very painful to me. I'm 31 years old right now and more than ever I just want to meet the love of my life I can build a family with. All my friends are settling down and I'm still here figuring out how to navigate the dating world, which is in my experience filled with men with insecure attachment styles at this age. After one year of dating I met someone I really liked, I felt very comfortable and safe around him, we were taking things slow and then all of a sudden he started to withdraw without any explanation, so I ended things with him. And now I'm just so tired. Tired of not feeling secure, tired of this fear that maybe I'll never meet someone who's compatible or emotionally available. Does anyone recognize this? Thanks in advance! Have you tried dating outside your race? That opens up a whole lot more opportunities. I hear your frustration. Tbh I think internet dating for anyone is pretty darn hard. I’ve dated lots of guys, regardless of skin colour or race and Havnt found anyone I’m compatible with. I do think your attitude matters…you sound a little bitter. If that comes across to women it may put them off. For me looks arnt that important, as long as someone is not super overweight I personally go more by what’s written in the profile that someone’s appearance.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 19, 2021 12:11:51 GMT
Have you tried dating outside your race? That opens up a whole lot more opportunities. I hear your frustration. Tbh I think internet dating for anyone is pretty darn hard. I’ve dated lots of guys, regardless of skin colour or race and Havnt found anyone I’m compatible with. I do think your attitude matters…you sound a little bitter. If that comes across to women it may put them off. For me looks arnt that important, as long as someone is not super overweight I personally go more by what’s written in the profile that someone’s appearance. Have you been to Australia? It is THAT racist here when it comes to dating. But they hide it with "preference". And no, your answer is almost generic. When put on the spot, every single girl will say they date regardless of skin colour. But where are they?? Why are there still so many single men of minorities? www.seattletimes.com/life/i-grew-up-thinking-being-asian-detracted-from-my-masculinity-heres-how-america-tells-me-and-other-asian-american-men-theyre-not-attractive/?amp=1Just do a search on Google. Its not about attitude, its not about bio, its not about weight. Its about skin colour and how Western world has already decided that Asian men are just unattractive.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 19, 2021 13:15:28 GMT
I hear your frustration. Tbh I think internet dating for anyone is pretty darn hard. I’ve dated lots of guys, regardless of skin colour or race and Havnt found anyone I’m compatible with. I do think your attitude matters…you sound a little bitter. If that comes across to women it may put them off. For me looks arnt that important, as long as someone is not super overweight I personally go more by what’s written in the profile that someone’s appearance. Have you been to Australia? It is THAT racist here when it comes to dating. But they hide it with "preference". And no, your answer is almost generic. When put on the spot, every single girl will say they date regardless of skin colour. But where are they?? Why are there still so many single men of minorities? www.seattletimes.com/life/i-grew-up-thinking-being-asian-detracted-from-my-masculinity-heres-how-america-tells-me-and-other-asian-american-men-theyre-not-attractive/?amp=1Just do a search on Google. Its not about attitude, its not about bio, its not about weight. Its about skin colour and how Western world has already decided that Asian men are just unattractive. What about traveling? I belong to a travel related Facebook page and lots of women speak to how they met someone on vacation. Perhaps it is worth exploring the world a bit and not getting frustrated at the local situation. I also agree with amber that it is worth looking at how you come across.
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 19, 2021 13:34:57 GMT
If it's helpful to your confidence, I am a white woman who has definitely been attracted to (certain) Asian men. My ex husband was Vietnamese, and before him I dated a half-Korean man who was just gorgeous to me. I'm in the U.S., though, not Australia.
I have read articles about how black, Asian and Indian men have trouble get ignored on dating sites, so I believe you're not imagining it. But don't give up, there ARE women out there who will find you attractive, especially if you're personality is on point.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 23, 2021 4:19:35 GMT
What about traveling? I belong to a travel related Facebook page and lots of women speak to how they met someone on vacation. Perhaps it is worth exploring the world a bit and not getting frustrated at the local situation. I also agree with amber that it is worth looking at how you come across. I think that's a great idea. However its a bit harder for me because I'm literally stuck here in Australia as my kids are here. Which means I have to find someone that doesn't have kids and is willing to move to Australia. Or else I can't see it working. Don't worry, I keep my frustrations in check during my interactions with people. Its very frustrating too, that it is an issue no one is willing to talk about. And when I bring it up, straight away people go into defence mode.
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Post by dullboat123 on Aug 23, 2021 4:24:30 GMT
If it's helpful to your confidence, I am a white woman who has definitely been attracted to (certain) Asian men. My ex husband was Vietnamese, and before him I dated a half-Korean man who was just gorgeous to me. I'm in the U.S., though, not Australia. I have read articles about how black, Asian and Indian men have trouble get ignored on dating sites, so I believe you're not imagining it. But don't give up, there ARE women out there who will find you attractive, especially if you're personality is on point. That is encouraging though I am sorry that your marriage did not work out. I do agree that the US media is starting to be quite multicultural so it is a good sign. Unfortunately, the media here in Australia is still bizarrely and absurdly white. Of course, they will include minorities but the dynamics is always - white guys/white girls, white guys/Asian girls, white guys/Indian girls, white guys/African girls. It is so blatant it is almost laughable.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 23, 2021 13:25:49 GMT
What about traveling? I belong to a travel related Facebook page and lots of women speak to how they met someone on vacation. Perhaps it is worth exploring the world a bit and not getting frustrated at the local situation. I also agree with amber that it is worth looking at how you come across. I think that's a great idea. However its a bit harder for me because I'm literally stuck here in Australia as my kids are here. Which means I have to find someone that doesn't have kids and is willing to move to Australia. Or else I can't see it working. Don't worry, I keep my frustrations in check during my interactions with people. Its very frustrating too, that it is an issue no one is willing to talk about. And when I bring it up, straight away people go into defence mode. A lot of time…it is the way a topic is presented that causes people to get defensive. Presenting a concern from an inquiry perspective is usually better. Such as…I have found it incredibly challenging as someone with an Asian background to find a suitable partner. I have read that other Asian and minority men are experiencing the same challenge. What are your thoughts? This opens dialogue….if they disagree, then ask more questions….but I think it might serve you best to find a group of single Asian/minority men who you can share life stories with. I do think there are women who are single and willing to travel and would love to be a step mom….I think it requires you being open and taking a leap of faith so to speak.
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