Post by kerryireland on Sept 22, 2021 13:36:57 GMT
Hi all, I’ve just come across this board after reading “Attached” and doing more research on attachment styles. I am AP and my ex is either Avoidant or Anxious Avoidant, not sure which.
I say that because some of his behaviour seems AP, like if I don’t reply he texts again, if he feels I’m pulling away, he chases, but in the lead up to the breakup, he was definitely avoidant- refusing to make plans, withholding sex, needing “space”. We’ve had one breakup before, it only lasted a week. I am his 7th serious gf (he’s 32), most of his relationships last about 2 years and he moves on quickly.
Everything in the relationship was perfect for the first 9 months or so, but he had an ex he wouldn’t let go of, despite their clear incompatibility and it triggered my anxiety and cracks started to show.
We stayed together another year (19 months total) and he ended it three weeks ago today. He says it’s to focus on himself, to try and be single and self sufficient and that he realises he could be messing up the best relationship he had but he needs some time alone. I thought he’d come back after a few days but no, he’s being strong and that’s fair enough.
Anyway the reason I’m writing this is because I think he was AP in his earlier life, but a couple of his ex’s didn’t treat him so well and now he has a wall up. I am AP but after 10 years of therapy I manage it pretty well and rarely let it get the better of me. I don’t beg or plead or text a lot etc. If he needs space I give it to him. I feel the relationship had potential if he could let me in a bit more but it just didn’t happen.
I don’t know what I’m asking really, just need to get this out there. We’re still in touch the odd text here and there but haven’t seen him for a week and a half. I am not trying to “get him back”, I know it won’t work, but I also don’t feel ready to cut all ties.
Feeling very confused and just sad about it all.
I say that because some of his behaviour seems AP, like if I don’t reply he texts again, if he feels I’m pulling away, he chases, but in the lead up to the breakup, he was definitely avoidant- refusing to make plans, withholding sex, needing “space”. We’ve had one breakup before, it only lasted a week. I am his 7th serious gf (he’s 32), most of his relationships last about 2 years and he moves on quickly.
Everything in the relationship was perfect for the first 9 months or so, but he had an ex he wouldn’t let go of, despite their clear incompatibility and it triggered my anxiety and cracks started to show.
We stayed together another year (19 months total) and he ended it three weeks ago today. He says it’s to focus on himself, to try and be single and self sufficient and that he realises he could be messing up the best relationship he had but he needs some time alone. I thought he’d come back after a few days but no, he’s being strong and that’s fair enough.
Anyway the reason I’m writing this is because I think he was AP in his earlier life, but a couple of his ex’s didn’t treat him so well and now he has a wall up. I am AP but after 10 years of therapy I manage it pretty well and rarely let it get the better of me. I don’t beg or plead or text a lot etc. If he needs space I give it to him. I feel the relationship had potential if he could let me in a bit more but it just didn’t happen.
I don’t know what I’m asking really, just need to get this out there. We’re still in touch the odd text here and there but haven’t seen him for a week and a half. I am not trying to “get him back”, I know it won’t work, but I also don’t feel ready to cut all ties.
Feeling very confused and just sad about it all.