annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on Oct 1, 2021 0:20:32 GMT
So I am actually enjoying the nice results of over a year of "work on myself". I have learnt to enjoy my own company and no longer seek validation from potential romantic partners. I currently cut off people pretty easily. This is a major success, as I used to cling to people and to feel restless in the absence of romantic attention. That was bad because in that way I was constantly at the mercy of other people. After a major disappointment I needed to regain power and control, to become more self-centered and I gotta say, I slowly succeded. The overall quality of my emotional world has definitely improved, and being free from the turmoil of anxiety is honestly such a bliss. So this is absolute progress and I'm kinda proud of myself. Life is so much better.
However sometimes a thought pops up in my mind, like, am I maybe avoidant? I've thought this as I find myself enjoying my own company so much that now the only people I reach out to are friends. I used to set up one, two or even three days per weekend (I know, exhausting at some point) and now I've completely lost interest in this and only hang out with friends. Usually my sex drive is pretty high but I feel like my libido is now zero. I mean, wth? So out of curiosity I did the test and here are the new results:
Secure 19%
Anxious 9%
Avoidant 13%
Disorganized 12%
I used to score way higher on anxiety (don't remember exactly, but something around 35/40%).
😳 I know tests are to be taken with a grain of salt, but a part of me feels represented by this score, this mixed bag where I'm basically a bit of everything at once and anxiety is low. I'm sure I'm not the first ex AP here finding herself switching to the opposite after some selfwork. Point is, I feel like the idea of love now sounds just remotely nice but not part of what I am interested in right now, it's like I truly don't care. It feels like I could go years like this. For example I've had former dates reaching out and I can't even bother to respond. A guy I used to see wants to set up a date, honestly I like him but something stops me, its like I feel lazy or something, just not in a "sexy" mood or whatever and I'm thinking of declining the invite.
So I'm curious: Is it security or am I just subconsciously shutting down the need for connection? Has any former AP experienced this? Most importantly, how has this evolved in your experience?
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Post by alexandra on Oct 1, 2021 0:43:09 GMT
There could be a couple things going on here. But first, I have a question. Do you know if your disorganized number has changed much?
When reading these tests btw, the numbers aren't a percentage because they don't add up to 100. I believe you need to add them together to get an indexed score and then divide to get the percentage. Ie:
19 + 9 + 13 + 12 = 53
19 secure / 53 total index = 36%
Secure 19 (35.9%)
Anxious 9 (17.0%)
Avoidant 13 (24.5%)
Disorganized 12 (22.6%)
What this would look like to me based on what you're saying is that you are FA, and you've done a lot of work on the anxious-leaning side of FA, which in part involves improving trust in self and healthy boundaries. As a result, your anxious side / fear of abandonment side is improving. Some of that is hopefully growing more secure, though some may (as you've noted) also be shifting into avoidance. I think this is okay. Because, for one thing, FA involves two sides that both need to be confronted if you're aiming to get fully secure. The anxious side, where you don't trust yourself and fear abandonment. And the avoidant side, where you don't trust others and fear engulfment. If you leaned heavily in one direction and tended to date people who brought out the AP, then you had a conscious fear of abandonment but an unconscious fear of engulfment. If you're used to feeling anxious, then getting triggered avoidant is a lot more subtle because it's a numbing shut down instead of an overactive need to connect.
That all being said, when you become more secure over time, you stop being able to predict your own responses because you're no longer running on an insecure script or set of patterns. Which means it can be difficult to identify exactly what you are feeling at first because you're not used to it. It can feel like an increase in avoidance to have a healthier relationship with your anxious side, even though it may actually be things feel calm and are less dysfunctional and it's unfamiliar.
In your case, I'm inclined to think it's a combination of the two things I'm describing. On the one hand, you are happier, so you're making progress and getting to where you want to go. Maybe you want more time in this new headspace and aren't looking for a relationship yet, and there's nothing wrong with that. Or maybe you're encountering other extreme insecures who you were attracted to in the past but now grew out of, so you don't want to start anything with the people you've been encountering because your instinct is not to repeat the past when you feel better now.
On the other hand, are you shutting down out of fear and self-protection? Are you making excuses to push away available and appropriate potential partners? Secure attachment means your feelings and behaviors are not guided by fear of abandonment or engulfment, and you are comfortable with both independence and inter-dependence. You don't necessarily need to be in a relationship, but you may still want one... but you'll feel okay whether you have a partner of some sort or not.
It may be tough to sort through but what, if any of this, is ringing true for you? And where do you want to go from here?
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annes
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by annes on Oct 5, 2021 20:13:50 GMT
Hi alexandra, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I like the way you've framed it. To be honest it's not the first time I end up thinking I might be FA (no, unfortunately I've lost my previous scores!), so I think what you're saying makes sense. My first guess is that you're right that I've somehow managed to calm down the abandonment side, but there is still work to do on the fearful & self-protective side. It rings true to me, to answer your question, that there are those two sides and that at least one of them has remained completely unaddressed. Probably it's like you say, I am "making excuses to push away available partners". It's like after all the turmoil I've been in the past, I am somehow reluctant to let someone mess me up because I know that I've paid a price for that, which I am no longer willing to pay (e.g., internal peace). So on the one hand I do feel more secure, because I've developed some self-reliance muscles so to speak, which is pretty new for an (ex) AP. On the other hand, you're right that fear and self-protection may play a role. For example, I used to be particularly prone to limerence and I was extremely annoyed by the "invasion" of my emotional space by someone. Something like, "I want to control my headspace and won't let anyone invade it anymore". Uh - now that I am writing this down, that sounds definitely avoidant (I mean, FA). I wanted to ask you how did it feel for you to transition into secure, and you've already somehow answered that question. The idea of not following anymore a sort of blind script makes sense. It sounds like becoming "full agents". No longer blind triggers but free choices. Any suggestions about what should I do now? I still somehow don't feel ready for a relationship, and yet, I am determined into becoming secure so that I can experience healthy connections in the future. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 6, 2021 2:37:53 GMT
annes , I know you've read my thread about dating as earned secure before, and I definitely talk about my experience and processing in there between dating updates. Plus it tracks like 2 years of the process: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1723/trying-date-first-earned-secureIn my opinion, a good next step for you would be learning more about avoidant behaviors and looking through some of the DA and FA healing threads that anne12 posts. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstylejebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-traumaAvoidance is tied to distrust of others / fear of engulfment, while anxious is tied to distrust of self / fear of abandonment. So there's probably stuff in your past that led to avoidant maladaptive patterns, and frankly probably some trauma that still needs to be reckoned with. Learning more about how that looks, and exercises to re-wire your nervous system, will help. Are you in therapy right now? There's also the question it took me basically decades to ask: what do secure behaviors and healthy relationships actually look like? Additionally for you, it may be helpful to learn more about what healthy boundaries look like. I can't find the thread, but I do remember there was another that had multiple forum posters describe a step in becoming secure that can be summarized as choosing to experience as much as you can and be really open to connecting with yourself and exploring who you actually are and what you like.
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