Here we go again.

You're not annoying! I think you're doing great just to be able to recognize and articulate it all in real time.

Thankyou so much for the wise words....And making me take a step back to try calm down...

I'm wildly manic today. It doesn't even feel like anxiety. It feels like being energized and impulsive. 'Almost' a positive feeling. My resting heart rate is 30 above normal. I feel the urge to laugh and have been talking to everyone. Louder than seems to be appropriate too. It's quiet strange.

I am going to lay down and do some deep breathing stuff and forget about this for a while...

krolle, but there also are consequences IF she flakes or doesn't answer again.

Next time she reaches out after, you tell her you felt disrespected about how she responded to you and by the actions she's taken to end things. If you're not going to be working together to reconcile at this time then you're going to take some distance and will decide later on if you are in a place to be just friends.

And then you back up with actions by not responding to or accepting her crumbs. And stick with it unless she comes back willing to really show up OR you're over it and talking to her wouldn't be devastating.

But you don't do this preemptively in anticipation of her unknown response or with manipulation in mind, even if you have good intentions in attempting to "influence." Better boundaries are about being more you-focused, stating your needs, while still being respectful of hers, and eventually taking a teamwork approach if she shows you she's in enough to start building trust together.

Also remember, all insecure types do better with secure behavior modeling and people around them. Though it is true security won't build anxious attraction, but that's not something sustainable in a healthy attachment anyway.

Thankyou for offering a sane place to vent my internal madness.

She actually beat me to the punch. While I was over analyzing and in some kind of manic state she suggested a day to get together next week.

I'm still unconvinced it's anything more than a delaying/ breadcrumbing tactic.

But I'll try my best to be patient until then and see what unfolds. I'm still wildly dysregulated.

The deregulation periods are somewhat unpredictable. there is probably a trigger, but I'm unaware of it. But like everything in me, it is extreme. one of the reasons I have surpressed my emotions for so long is because the are so all encompassing, turbulent and extreme.

If I let the usual reserved cerebral me be taken over by them it's madness. I don't just get a little mad, I feel wild violent rage where my teeth are clenched for hours, and I'v been known to break my fingers from hitting the punch bag in my basement bareknuckled until they bleed.

Similarly if I'm down I dont just get a little bummed, I'm utterly despondent, teary. barely able to move.

I'm really glad connection helps you. It sounds healthy. The only things that help for me are booze and sex, also adrenaline. I try the healthy option. But it sometimes makes me feel worse for some reason. I find people exhausting to be around when I'm down because I know I'm being a bummer. being around people often exhausts me. The one slightly healthier version of full on sex is physical intimacy. But I can feel pretty good with just kissing and hugging etc.

But just being around people....meh. hard work. 1 or 3 drinks though and Feel calm and confident. optimistic. it's short lived of course. And bad for my physical health.

Working out is pretty good. But it has to be intense and with weights. usually to the background of Judas priest or ACDC or something. Testosterone boosting stuff. Testosterone is very powerful for guys because it just diminishes the difficult softer feelings. And amplifies the anger, energy and self confidence.

Actually asmr audio can have a mild calming effect on me, and I will sometimes use it to fall asleep. But it can go the other way too. depending on the specific person in the video. And make me angry.

I'm also really tired of the same massive psychological discouragements to improving.
It's so hard to come out of my shell and actually heal because my cynical bias keeps getting proven to be right. For example one of the things in the Thais Gibson realm of healing advice for FA's is to question your hypervigilant negative stories. And also to communicate honestly and openly. But I'm really trying to do things like that for a while now and every time it gets punished.

The hypervigilant stories and automatically assigning negative stories to them has proven to be correct on so many occasions. And when I question them and say, oh well they were just home from work half hour late because of delay, try not to worry about it. 3 weeks later it comes out they were banging a bunch of dudes and I'm left with an STD and a broken heart.
Similarly I communicate my feelings and needs in an open and honest way and then it ends up in people running or saying you're too needy, or ghosting, or attacking me. And I never said anything too crazy. Just things like "oh I'm feeling a little exhausted lately. Do you think you could help me with the dishes tonight?" Or I'm feeling nervous that you have suddenly become distant, is everything ok?"
And then burn. Nervous system dug deeper into self protection with new scars and traumas piled on top of the others.
I can't seem to discern who can be trusted and who can't. it can take as little as days or as long as several years for people's real sides to come out and I find it hard to to stay emotionally un-invested for that long. And it's usually as soon as my defences break, and I let out a sigh of relief, allow the feelings in and really start to enjoy the person, some betrayal or ghosting or disinterest in return. It's almost like clockwork every time. The second I become available disaster strikes.
And it's a massive driver to feel fearfully avoidant.